promises Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 What are some ways that those who are on the other side of the A, or now xOW/xOM feel that they have changed since the ending of the affair? How are you a different person? In what ways? What's changed about your life.
MissBee Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hmmm... This is a hard question, as my ended a while ago and my life has subsequently changed a lot, as life goes, and many changes had nothing to do with the A. For me, my A wasn't my most life-changing relationship or one that was a catalyst for a huge turn around in my life. The relationship I had after was though. When that ended, total 180. I learned so much about love, relationships, life and most importantly, myself. 5
Pierre Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hmmm... This is a hard question, as my ended a while ago and my life has subsequently changed a lot, as life goes, and many changes had nothing to do with the A. For me, my A wasn't my most life-changing relationship or one that was a catalyst for a huge turn around in my life. The relationship I had after was though. When that ended, total 180. I learned so much about love, relationships, life and most importantly, myself. Other changes will come. In the meantime I advice a simple rule of thumb that does not require any significant change in personal philosophy. Stay away from married men. It is a rather simple concept that can be conquered without IC.
Silly_Girl Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I was already on quite a long journey anyway. Still am. But in any case, my relationship with exMM was a positive one for me, despite 2 or 3 major heartbreaks. I learned that men can be gentle, that communication can be positive and that love can be tender. That relationship also sharpened my senses as to what I wanted/needed. I learned that I couldn't have a relationship without full geographical or emotional availability. Since the affair I am much more robust about seeking what I need and deserve and I am more self-aware, determined to not let circumstances 'creep up on me' as I've allowed to happen before. 3
Catplates Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I am different for many reasons.. intertwined. The MM was the first man I had been with since my husband of 35 years died. I knew very little about the world outside my marriage and was in a very black hole at the time. (Yes Pierre.. needed validation or some bloody thing). Anyway, now I know to seek help through more appropriate channels when I am in need. I am at peace with my world and happy with being just me...it was my particular lesson to be learned and I have. Cat 6
Dreamworld Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Very much along the same lines as Catplate. I got married very young at 22 to a high profile doctor in our small Asian town. It was a very emotionally abusive marriage which I got out of and my MM appeared at a very very low time in my life. People left and right were gossiping about our divorce, it was quite painful and lonely. So it was more about validation than loving him, and him being married didn't factor into my rational thinking. I never cheated on anyone in my life nor did I ever fathom I would cheat with someone but there I was in an affair. That one affair taught me quite a lesson the hard way. I narrowly escaped going to prison, for the BW had more than enough evidence to throw me behind bars but she didnt file against me nor did she mention the affair to anyone. But I was so ashamed of who I had become I cut all contact changed numbers etc and decided to start over, thankful for the fact that I had that chance. So yup, I stay away from personal relationships with married men and am much more careful in whatever interaction I do have and if I need to be in contact for whatever reason I make sure my actions and presence are all open and known to the wives. Also once I had experienced being the OW I became much less judgmental towards such people on the other side of the affair. That we all have our reasons and that we are not all one dimensional evil homewreckers. And reading this forum reconfirms that. It was a painful experience but it helped me to assess myself and become who I am now, and these days I don't mind the person staring back at me in the mirror. 2
AnotherRound Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This is an interesting question. Honestly, I don't know that I have actually changed - but I am definitely being more true to myself than I was while in the A. I feel better -emotionally and physically. I smile more, I enjoy more, I am more relaxed. I feel like a huge weight has been removed from my life and I move around more freely, with more joy. I don't want it to get mixed - I don't look back and think that he and I were just a piece for one another, we weren't. We were filling some very real needs for each other over the 7 years that we were seeing each other. At the time, it worked - and until it became unhealthy (I don't believe it was innately unhealthy just bc it was an A), it was beneficial for both of us. But then, there came a time, when it wasn't beneficial - and I ended it. It wasn't easy, as it never is to walk away from someone when you realize that love just isn't enough to carry a relationship long term. I just had to come to the point where I realized that he and I had gotten to a point where we were no longer beneficial to one another. We are both very important in the life story of one another, there is no doubt about that. But, things change, life moves on, circumstances change - and some things just aren't intended to be life long. They are there for a time, and teach us something about us, our lives, love - and then it is time to put them away and move on to something else. I don't miss him, I have wonderful memories of our times together. I give him credit for teaching me things that without him, I may not have learned in the same way. I also give him credit for allowing me to learn about myself, and what I want and need in this life. And for getting to a better understanding of myself and love and relationships and the world around me. I guess I have grown - although I would have without him too I think. But I'm glad that I grew the way I did, and that he was a part of it - even if the circumstances weren't ideal. It wasn't a bad experience for me, or for him, or even for his family as they have also become more independent and freer as a result of the A (again, I'm not acting as if we did them a favor, just stating that realistically, the A catapulted everyone into a better place).
MissBee Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Other changes will come. In the meantime I advice a simple rule of thumb that does not require any significant change in personal philosophy. Stay away from married men. It is a rather simple concept that can be conquered without IC. Is that for me or are you saying in general?
Pierre Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Is that for me or are you saying in general? For all OWs. This is just a simple rule of thumb that many women know, but apparently others don't. I always assumed that every mother taught her daughter these words "Stay away from married men". But, who knows maybe the OWs lowered their standards despite the advice form the mother. In summary, one can avoid mistakes despite mental issues by following this simple rule of thumb. 2
stevie_23 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 My mother never said this to me. Maybe because by the time I should have been interested in boys, I just was SO NOT. And then I was apparently gay. (but she never said to stay away from married women either. Lol)
Pierre Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 My mother never said this to me. Maybe because by the time I should have been interested in boys, I just was SO NOT. And then I was apparently gay. (but she never said to stay away from married women either. Lol) Really? As a boy my dad always advised me to stay away from married women. He also advised me not to chase women that were not interested. My dad also advised my sister on the way men think and why they do what they do. This was advise my sister could not get from a woman.
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