D-Day - how would you have wanted it handled?

[cocorico]

Those familiar with my story will know that my partner told his xW about the A, and that he planned to leave once he found suitable accommodation, and she chose not to believe him. It led, in turn, to much begging and pleading once she realised he was not going back, and great bitterness during the D.

 

Anyone living in the UK, who hasn't been in a coma for the last few years, will be familiar with the recent verdict on Vicky Pryce, the BW whose bitterness led to the destruction of two brilliant careers and the acrimonious break-up of a family. Some people have commented that, had the Press not forced a premature D-Day, the MM could have handled the breaking of the news of his proposed leaving to his BW more sensitively, with a better outcome.

 

I'm interested particularly in the views of APs where the MAP left for the OW/ OM, or those APs where that possibility is still in prospect, what the "ideal" D-Day scenario would look like; or from those BSs whose fWSs left (ie those who were not "kicked out") how they would have preferred D-Day to have gone down - accepting that there was an A, rather than the obvious "I wish s/he had had the decency to leave before the A"... And accepting that it does happen, whatever percent of the time.

 

Others are welcome to add their views, on the topic - given that an A exists, what is the "ideal" D-Day scenario for a MAP intent on leaving the M to be with the AP?

[eleanorrigby]

The "ideal" d-day for me would be for the WS to come and admit what he/she has done and clearly explain their intentions for the future. If the WS is leaving, LEAVE. Don't hang around trying to make things better or soften the blow.

 

NOT saying to be an ********* about it, but if he's leaving. Do it.

[TaraMaiden]

D-Day - how would you have wanted it handled?

 

A lot earlier.

[waterwoman]

If I had the misfortune to be married to Chris huhne I'd want d-day to come as quickly as possible!

[ThatJustHappened]

Well..it would have been nice if my ex hadn't been sleeping around behind my back. But barring that, I think both the wandering spouse and the affair partner should apologize and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, and then the affair partner should disappear and let the betrayed spouse handle things his or her own way. If the wandering spouse is going to leave, the affair partner should let him or her do it without inserting themselves into the situation. If the wandering spouse is not going to leave (and the betrayed spouse still wants to work things out), the affair partner should accept that and leave them alone..and if the wandering spouse contacts them again after agreeing not to, they should let the betrayed spouse know (kindly..not nastily).

[BetrayedH]

A lot earlier.

 

In my situation? Yeah, somewhere before the 70th hotel stay would have been good.

[spice4life]

In response to cocorico's opening post and as someone who went through a divorce, if there is nothing in this world that can save the marriage, no, I would not tell.

[RainDown]

My MAP sat down with his wife, told her he was not happy and wanted a divorce. Then he left. BW knew nothing about me. In my mind that was probably as ideal as it gets. She wasn't exactly happy about it, but she couldn't forcibly drag him back home.

 

Unfortunately, she hacked his e-mail and phone records and there I was - all over the place. Things went to hell after that, even though he was long gone (he and I were both in a different country by then). She didn't really hassle him too much, but she seemed to have a lot of angst towards me. In her version of events I was a homewrecker, etc etc, and it was my fault her husband left her.

 

That was actually not true. I had already left him months prior to his divorce action. I moved away, told him I was not going to continue the affair, and for him to look me up if he was ever free to do so. Six months later is when he sat her down for the divorce talk and left her. He came to where I was and, like I said previously, things were fairly ideal - until she found out about me and went ballistic.

 

I do understand her perspective. I did have an affair with her husband. He did land on my doorstep after he announced he was divorcing her. I suppose it's logical for her to think I was the reason he divorced her. But I think the divorce would have happened either way, and I believe I was an exit affair. I think it was easier for her to simply blame me than to acknowledge her marriage simply didn't work out because they were basically incompatible and he just no longer loved her.

 

Ironically, I think the way it ultimately unfolded was ideal for her and less than ideal for MAP and me. She found a "reason" for the demise of her marriage that did not require her to think very hard, and we gained the wrath of an xBW on the warpath.

 

I don't believe there is any "ideal" way for a MAP to gracefully slip out of a marriage. It is not a pleasant action even when an AP is not in the picture, and if an AP is revealed at some point, things go to sh*t in pretty short order.

[Got it]

What I would have found to be ideal? No dday.

[White Flower]

 

I'm interested particularly in the views of APs where the MAP left for the OW/ OM, or those APs where that possibility is still in prospect, what the "ideal" D-Day scenario would look like; or from those BSs whose fWSs left (ie those who were not "kicked out") how they would have preferred D-Day to have gone down - accepting that there was an A, rather than the obvious "I wish s/he had had the decency to leave before the A"... And accepting that it does happen, whatever percent of the time.

 

As a fOW who has experienced over 18 Ddays that I am aware of and several quasi move-ins, and one formal move-in which the BW was informed of, looking back I'd prefer that the confrontation to D be done with the support of a counselor because in this case the drama between xMM and his BW was unbelievable. Having experienced this with him and witnessed a lot I can see the answers to so many things including the cheating, the fear to leave, the constant waffling, and the defeat of making it to a healthier R full time. Codependency is their problem and since they are so enmeshed in that toxic kind of R neither is likely to break free from it to experience a freer, more functioning R. Having said that, professional support during The Talk would have been preferable.

 

The first confrontation to separate/D was done well except for when she called in the troops. He packed some bags and had them ready, then told her. She cried, then chased him all over the house until he locked himself in their room. While there she called her adult kids. He then went into the garage but his daughter pulled up just then. He should have driven off but being codependent as he is he engaged with her, challenged to stay and defend his choice, then was guilted into staying. You all may remember the famous baseball bat incident I shared at the time; if the Intervention on Dad didn't work then perhaps the baseball bat would.

 

6 months later she filed for D and asked him to move out, but she didn't really mean it. She wanted to get even for his confrontation and for seeing him pining for me all the time. She filed because "the M is a façade" and they were "living like roommates" and she no longer loved him the way a wife should love her H, throwing back the very same words xMM gave as his reason for D 6 months prior.

 

When he came to me it wasn't the overwhelmingly happy beginning it should have been for me. He didn't leave with his own purpose, so I knew it wasn't well thought out. I suggested he get a place and let's think about this.

 

During that time xMM had weekly therapy sessions with one IC, and saw his prior IC four times for hypnotherapy to break his codependent issues. I sat in on his therapy and heard the IC say that our R was the healthier R without question. But what I began to see over the months was, like an alcoholic, could he overcome the toxicity and the temporary rushes of the long term codependent R that seemed woven into the fabric of his very skin? Near the end of the separation I told him I saw a lack of growth in him and that I was losing hope that a sustainable R with us was less and less achievable. I suggested he just call BW and try to reconcile. She must have read my mind because shortly after that talk she asked him to move back in.

 

Two months later he was desperate to leave her again and sensing this she called for a sit-down talk and they mutually agreed to split up again. He called me and said he was finally done, ready to begin our life and he didn't want to waste time renting an apartment, he wanted to move in with me.

 

I was dumbfounded and wasn't ready for him after everything. I didn't want to tell my kids he was moving in because I frankly didn't know if it would last so I just explained he was staying a few days. I'm so glad I played it this way because after five days I'd had enough. There were things about xMM I did not know, things that were revealed in those five days. BW called incessantly on top of all that and seeing how they interacted on the phone to each other was astonishing. Façade really was the correct word for their "happy M", and I admonished xMM not to allow that kind of toxicity in my home in front of my kids. His normal was chaotic and my normal is peaceful and the way a home should be. I did enjoy a lot of the together time we shared during those five days but there were parts of him revealed to me for the first time which I wasn't sure I could accept unless I was retired and available to devote full time attention to those issues. We could have worked through that together of course, but the toxic scars left from his M seemed too daunting a chore for him to completely sever.

 

So, as the OW, I'd prefer he did the confronting, break it to her with the help of a counselor, and completely sever the past R, drama and all.

 

When I was the MAP, I filed for D 9 months before I confronted and when I confronted the M was already dead to me. Heck, the M was dead to me before I sent my xH to the couch, before I fell for and slept with xMM, and in that order. I never said it was about a new man in my life (and for the most part it wasn't) and he never asked because I must have told him a thousand times long before I met xMM that I wasn't happy. He knew a D was eminent and so did I so when xMM came along, we'll, it was a no-brainer.

 

My xH reM before the ink was dry so I guess I did him a favor, though he did beg me to save the M, so I would gather that he was happy with the way I confronted him about D.

[Silly_Girl]

Given his lack of assertiveness he should have done as his brother suggested at the time and packed and left then gone back to tell her this had happened. It wasn't a nice scenario for either of them, she was physically abusive and his behaviour was dictated by the level of guilt he was feeling/she helped him to feel. She refused to acknowledge my existence at first, then wanted to go back over ancient issues to make things better but cherry-picked some and not others. She expected him to stay and the situation hampered his level of action in terms of moving out, although he eventually did.

 

However, his internal troubles notwithstanding, my ideal would have been that he told her sooner and was very clear about the divorce aspect.

[Dreamworld]

Hello. I am a new member who has been reading the board for awhile. This is my first post, I hope it is alright to jump right in with a reply.

 

ThatJustHappened pretty much summed up what I did as the OW when my affair with a MM was uncovered by his wife. She wanted to meet me directly to hear the truth bc apparently her husband was being vague. Later I found out he had told her I had seduced him and he had just gone along with it because I had just gotten out of an ugly divorce and he felt bad. sigh. nice.

 

Anyway when I met her her belly was swollen; she was eight months pregnant. The remorse and guilt I felt when I saw her was gargantuan. I had engaged in an affair with a married man just because he made me feel desired and sexy after a horrible divorce that had made me feel so low about myself. Just for that selfish validation I had hurt this woman. I got down on my knees and apologized for the pain I put her through. I think we ended up talking for like 4 hours or something and her side of the story was nothing at all the story her husband had been telling me. This was also not the first time her husband had done this but she told me I was the first OW who actually apologized and didnt angrily throw the blame back at her about how if she had been doing her job her husband wouldnt have strayed etc. And I believed her.

 

Also the fact that MM suddenly dropped off the face of the earth when the affair was uncovered and during my interaction with his wife was a hard wake up call to how delusional desperate lonely and selfish I had been to get involved in an affair with this cowardly lying man in the first place. leaving his pregnant wife to clean up the mess. Not cool at all. I told her this would be the last of me and I kept my word. I changed my email and number and disappeared and never looked back.

 

To answer the original thread, it would have been ideal during Dday and its aftermath if that cowardly MM had taken responsibility for his part in the whole thing instead of pulling a Houdini so I did wonder briefly how he and his wife sorted things out. But left it at that.

 

I found out later his wife filed legal action against him and all the other women with whom he engaged in affairs. Interestingly, she didn't file against me. In the country where I am from, a law similar to that of The Alienation of Affection laws that are applicable in some U.S states exists.Basically you can file a legal complaint against all parties involved in adultery but you have to involve the cheating spouse. You cant just file against the OW/OM. If convicted, you get a jail sentence.

 

I was stupid, selfish, undignified and desperate. Sure it had to be the uncovering of the affair to get me to come to my senses but I view this experience as a huge wake up call and chance to better my life. I never engaged in such an affair again nor do I even get remotely chummy with married men.

 

The many posts in this section have been very enlightening. Thank you for reading.

[White Flower]

Welcome Dreamworld!

 

Interesting assessment about yourself, needing a MM for attention, self-worth, and whatever else you listed. I was much older, I presume, when I met xMM so I already possessed enough esteem and character. I didn't need nor gain those things from him.

 

You actually got on your knees? I'm very curious about that. Again, perhaps it's an age thing or even a cultural thing, idk, but I'm fairly certain that had you lived in a no-fault state you wouldn't feel the need.

 

In the early stage of my A I did have sentiments of remorse because it was new to me and something I never thought I would do, but as I evolved and looked at all facets with a microscope I realized that I did what I had to do, as did xMM, as did his W. it was all supposed to happen and if anyone here believes in God, well, they can argue with him because isn't He the One who is in control?

Edited March 9, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[beenburned]

My sister fell in love and had a very brief affair with a co-worker. They both left their spouses to be with each other without telling either of them about the affair.

 

Between the 2 of them they had 3 very young children to think about. Since our state is a fault state, adultery can affect everything.(assets, custody of children, alimony, etc)

 

After they had left their spouses, they moved in together. His XW started digging for evidence of adultery and found it. He lost a lot more of everything because of the adultery. Plus his wife moved away to her parent's hometown to have help with the kids.

 

My sister's XH didn't find out about her cheating until almost a year after their divorce. It wasn't a pretty sight at all!! It led to him being unwilling to compromise about anything having to do with their young child for many years.(and MM's wife too)

 

The reason I feel like telling is best for everyone involved is because the BS's that are left do NOT have to wonder what they did wrong to cause this divorce.(since they have the truth of what happened)

 

My former BIL was a good honest kind man who loved my sister totally! She happened to fall in love with someone else enough to want to marry them.(and quickly followed through with it)

 

But I personally watched him suffer and question family members constantly trying to figure out what he did wrong!(before he knew the truth) I'm sure my new BIL's XW probably felt the same way!

 

The end result was the same, a new marriage, but it could have been less hurtful for the BS's if they had not been lied to.

[ThatJustHappened]

Welcome Dreamworld!

 

Interesting assessment about yourself, needing a MM for attention, self-worth, and whatever else you listed. I was much older, I presume, when I met xMM so I already possessed enough esteem and character. I didn't need nor gain those things from him.

 

You actually got on your knees? I'm very curious about that. Again, perhaps it's an age thing or even a cultural thing, idk, but I'm fairly certain that had you lived in a no-fault state you wouldn't feel the need.

 

In the early stage of my A I did have sentiments of remorse because it was new to me and something I never thought I would do, but as I evolved and looked at all facets with a microscope I realized that I did what I had to do, as did xMM, as did his W. it was all supposed to happen and if anyone here believes in God, well, they can argue with him because isn't He the One who is in control?

 

Maybe she got on her knees because she felt remorseful.

[MissBee]

My situation had no dday, that I was aware of or a part of, so I guess that was the "perfect" scenario.