BrokenWingsCanFly Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I am sorry this will be kinda long. But I really, really need opinions, most of all from men. And I know I am overthinking waaaay too much. A couple months ago I was in a different city for work. I saw a guy and was instantly attracted to him. I didn’t talk to him but found out his name and messaged+added him on Facebook. He was polite but I kinda got the impression he was reserved (well, who wouldn’t be if a stranger messaged them lol) so I backed off. One night I got drunk and messaged him telling him that I kinda thought he was hot. He was cute about it and thanked me telling me he doesn’t get to hear it that often (I doubt it, because he is hot and he has like tons of pretty girls as FB friends!...I am really just average looking or even less). The next morning I apologized for it and again he said that I shouldn’t worry about it, there’s nothing wrong in a compliment. Anyways, I was kinda embarrassed (never drunk messaged a guy lol) and still thought I was annoying him so I backed off again…well, till he posted this depressing status on FB. To make it short ever since that day we’ve been messaging each other almost every day. We had a couple of interesting/deep conversations about life, our goals and whatnot. He is really a sweet guy, funny, polite and just incredibly nice. I kinda think of him like the male version of myself (well not 100% but we have a lot in common when it comes to our personality). While I am obviously interested in more I always thought he was only being nice and wanted friendship. After that drunk incident I never really made it obvious again that I was interested. Well, I guess here and there I was trying to flirt but nothing too obvious I suppose. Most of the time it was me initiating the messages but rarely he did too (for me the most significant was shortly after midnight on New Years Eve where he wished me a happy new year. We then messaged each other for three hours till he fell asleep). He always replies to all messages and usually as soon as he sees them (so it’s not like I have to wait hours or days for it). Also he has told me that he likes my intellect (honestly the nicest compliment I have ever gotten..not that I would get that many but ya, this means more than any stupid remark about someone’s look) and thought that I was a really nice girl so I shouldn’t worry about annoying him because I wasn’t (I kinda asked him if I was lol). One day I told him (I don’t remember what exactly we were talking about so that it came up) that I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better to which he said that there was plenty of time for that but that it usually takes some time for him to open up. I told him I was fine with that (because I already figured that…as I said I kinda had the impression from the beginning that we had similar personalities). Aaaanyways, after about 6 weeks of messaging each other I went back to that city to go to two concerts and was kinda hoping to be able to hang out with him. Well to make it short: We went out together (the two of us and his friends), got drunk, hooked up and spent the night together (apparently I made the first move). This lead to me staying the whole weekend at his place and hanging out with him and his friends. Everyone was freaking nice to me and he took care that I had a great time. We didn’t have sex (I’m a virgin) but well, everything else. He paid for my lunch both days and always made sure to introduced me to everyone we met when we were out. Both nights we hooked up we were kinda drunk (though not that much on the second night and we had agreed that I was staying at his place while we were sober so it didn’t happen just because of the alcohol lol). I don’t remember if we had any “serious” talk on the first night but on the second I think it was me who kinda brought up the question why he was single since he had all those pretty female friends etc. (yeah, I love bringing up awkward questions/situations but every time I do he is cool about it lol). He told me they are just friends and FB friend numbers don’t matter. The only woman who has slept in his bed since November was his bff (this weekend was in February). He had been single by choice for 4 years. He told me that since I had started messaging him in December I have been one of the few constants in his life and that he talked with me about stuff he usually never does with his friend. I also brought up a couple other things that where bugging me like if I was annoying to him because I thought he kinda had given me that feeling after I wished him a Happy Birthday but he said no and that it actually just showed that I cared (I was one of four who actually remembered his bday)…I don’t know what to think about all of that because we were both drunk and naked so he could have just tried to be “nice”. He is very sensitive (his friends joked about it when he wasn’t around), shy (I never would have thought that but this came up way before we made out or even started drinking. I overheard him talking to his friend about it) and never does the first move….so anyways, the weekend with him and his friends went great though we kept our distance during the day (first day because he thought I didn’t remember and he wasn’t sure if I thought that he took advantage of me or not and second day because I had told him that I was too shy to be all over him in front of his friends) but were all over each other at night. He even cuddled a bit with me. The second night after I had asked him who had made the first move the night before we started texting each other because his friends were around and I kinda told him that I liked him and not just because of the alcohol and that I didn’t know what he was thinking about the whole situation and of me making the first move and he replied that I got nothing to worry about because I was an awesome girl and he enjoyed hanging with me. This weekend was a month ago. Since then we have been messaging each other like before, sometimes every day, sometimes every other day. What I noticed is that he now uses more smileys than before (in 6 weeks he used 10 smileys – yes I am pathetic for counting lol – after that weekend he used 12 in 2 weeks lol). We haven’t really talked about what happened because in the end we live in different cities (and states). Also, and this is my huge issue, I know that he has trust and commitment issues so I am not even trying to put pressure on me. My problem is how do I find out if that weekend meant anything to him besides just fun? I am really, really falling for him. Actually I fell for him from the moment I saw him but after talking for him for weeks I just realize that he is (for me) the perfect guy. The huge problem is I don’t know how to win his trust. I mean that he told me that he talks about stuff with me he doesn’t talk about with his friends is a first good sign but that’s pretty much it. We have talked for weeks and I still know so little about him. Once in a while he throws in tiny little things about himself and he also mentioned that he doesn’t talk much about what is going on in his head because he learned his lesson from the few times he did. I try to win his trust by telling him certain personal stuff about myself that I usually wouldn’t tell anybody. My problem is that I am making myself very vulnerable with this. I know to everyone else there would be huge red flags when they hear trust and commitment issues but to me they mean only that he was hurt before and needs someone who is willing to stick around till he is able to open up. I am willing to do this because I honestly believe that he is a great guy and would be worth it. My problem is just that as I mentioned before we kinda have similar personalities. I too have trust and commitment issues. I never was in a relationship before (I am 27…he is 30) not just because of my trust and commitment issues but also because I have different goals in life and I think a “normal” guy just wouldn’t understand that (and he does!). Also I have never been this attracted to a man before. And it’s scaring the hell out of me because I do things I never thought I would do (making first moves and seriously sticking around and openly showing that I am interested (telling him I like him and that I care about him..always initiating conversations, cheering him up whenever I know that he is in a bad mood)…but as I said it scares me because it makes me vulnerable and I know that the longer I stick around the more I will get hurt in the end….but I don’t want to give up on him yet. Just a couple days ago he posted lyrics on his FB saying “I’m scared to get close but I don’t want to be alone” which again tells me that all he needs is time and someone showing him that not everyone is out there to hurt him. I know the whole situation is just terrible with us being in different states. I know it would be much easier to get to know him if I was around…but I am not. What can I do to find out if I mean anything to him without confronting him directly? The best would probably just go back and see if anything happens again but I can’t afford that at the moment. How can I make him open up to me and show him that he can trust me? I try to avoid asking too many personal questions or when I do I always tell him that it’s ok if he doesn’t want to answer it. I just really want him to know that no matter what I am actually not someone who runs when it gets difficult. Ok, so I really need to know how this looks from the outside. Especially to the guys here: Is it possible that a man is so shy/insecure/hurt/whatever that he would never make the first move? Does he seem interested at all? After that weekend I had another drunk night where I told him that I didn’t understand why he was so nice to me because I wasn’t one of those hot chicks every guy would be so eager to be friends with. He told me that I am maybe overthinking a bit and that he happens to enjoy our conversations and that it’s been refreshing since he doesn’t meet a lot of new people these days. This was the only comment that really kinda made me question everything (maybe I am misinterpreting again)…I don’t want to be just a “refreshing” distraction to him. I wonder if anything he does or says shows that he actually cares about me or not. As I said I never had a rs therefore I really suck at figuring that out. I mean to me everything sounds okay-ish but well, I could be totally wrong. I am driving myself crazy. I am starting to care way too much about him and I just don’t know how to figure out if it makes sense to stick around or not. Am I stupid to believe that there are men who would appreciate what I am doing? Thank you if you actually made it till the end of this post. I know I suck at keeping it short (that's another thing I love about him lol He doesn't get annoyed by them like most people do lol)
creighton0123 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 No one is going to read this. It is a wall of text with way too much detail and impossible to follow. Anyhow. I did read it. For the most part. And here are some recommendations: 1. Stop texting so much. It isn't a way to have a friendship or a relationship. Pick up the phone and call. Texting is so incredibly impersonal. 2. Next time you get to know him, do it with minimal alcohol. You'll get a better idea of his personality without alcohol involved. 3. Go out on a good and proper date. None of this spending time with him and his friends all day whilst naked in his bed. 4. Ask him outright. If he isn't making a move towards a relationship and you're interested in having one, ask him "What do you feel about being in a relationship with me? I'm very interested." 5. What's this whole "trust and commitment" issues thing? Relationships are so much more simple than that. Either you are in one and it works or you're in one and it doesn't work.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Go after guys more for their personalities than their looks. Then you'll find yourself in better situations, in terms of what you're looking for in a partner.
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