unsettled3 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Hi everyone, I have read these boards for a while now but am new to register. Looking for some advice and honestly maybe I will just feel better to vent. I have been with my husband for 18 years (married 4) we are mid 30's no kids. There are a lot of issues I need to deal with and I know this was wrong of me but it happened. I got into an online emotional affair. Nothing physical ever happened and we only met once for lunch. He lives 1000 miles from me. Now I know a lot of you will tell me how wrong this is and I do understand but right now I am just trying to heal... My marriage and relationship has had issues way before I met this man. We have been talking for about 2 years. At first it was a simple friendship. I knew he had feelings but he is a great guy who would never want to come between the marriage. Then my feelings started growing. It wasn't your average affair. We never spoke of me leaving to be with him.. More of I need to sort out my life, etc. He wants no part of the decison to leave or stay. I guess about 6-8 months ago it started getting strained when I started being more vocal and the OM would say I can't say the things you say. I wanted to know how much he cared for me. Ultimately we would discuss and he would be open but I know he did not want to be. He would say things like even if I do it does not and should not matter in your marriage. I understood him but guess it felt better to just know... I can't explain it. Well we have talked about how I need to really figure out what I want out of life. Not meaning him - in general, overall I am depressed. He has just been that person I would speak to daily - very inspirational. He always knew we could not keep things up the way they were. We both tried backing away some but still talked daily. Then we started taking small breaks the last few months. Well now the last 2 months or so it seems we get into it often. Me pushing him and him feeling pressure. I know this is wrong and I do not mean for it to happen but it does. It is always me putting him in uncomfortable positions. Well now I feel he is backing off more. He still sends messages and we have talked but it is totally different. I KNOW this is for the best for both of us. I guess I just feel so sad. I question how he feels etc. He has never really had a serious relationship and usually goes for what he says us unattainable. This stems from him being overweight and loosing so much weight - in the past he was a loner. Basically I know it is for the best but I just feel it is somewhat drastic although it is something that should have happened a long time ago. I am just sad as someone I shared so much with, spent so much time with on the phone and online is now missing from my life. I know I need to focus on me but I get so wrapped up in thinking things like - does he care? does he miss me? etc. I know he needs to back away to not get hurt and I never would want to hurt him. Logically I know this but I care for him deeply and it is hard to just act buddy buddy with him every once in a while after the last 2 years. I guess just knowing he backs away because it is too hard makes me feel better although I know that is a terrible thing to say/feel - it does. I also realize that people go through much worse or serious. Physical, kids, etc... and this may seem petty but my whole world feels so alone. Thanks - just wanted to sort of vent my story. NO husband does not know and I cannot tell him at this time. There are many many issues we have besides this and I understand how some of you feel but please try no to respond to tell me how unfair it was to him. I do understand and am dealing with that in another way.
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 know this is wrong and I do not mean for it to happen but it does. But you do mean for it to happen, unfortunately.. IN the heat of the moment, you're weak and can't help yourself. It happens because you let it and push it so you can get something out of it (he makes you feel good and that rush of excitement is what you're addicted to) that you are not getting from your husband. I think opening up the lines of communication with your husband has to be done now. Let him know that you are unhappy and you two need to become closer. DO let him know that you have a crush and it's made you realize what is missing in your marriage. This IS a wake up call. Anyway, back to the OM, he knows on some level you're using him, flirting with him to make yourself feel good. To him, he KNOWS it ain't going anywhere so he is probably so sick of the 'flirty game'. It isn't fair to him, and it certainly isn't fair to your husband. Fix what is broken within yourself, and sort out your marriage. Tell the OM that you love/care for him but obviously what has been happening has to stop and maybe consider ending things with him completely. It's a self serving friendship, one that interfers with what you feel towards your husband. OM knows this and has let you know this in his own way by backing off.
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You are trying to fill a void in your life and your marriage with this man. I suspect he is feeding some of his own voids with you. He isn't the answer, and the more you push, the more he is backing away, but you know this and actually it's smart of him to do so. Worrying about him and what he thinks of you, keeps that focus off of yourself and what you really need to focus on, which is your own life, deciding to stay or go in your marriage. When we look to fill holes inside of ourselves with someone else, we just create bigger holes, eventually the holes are so big, it's almost impossible to fill the bucket. End it, work on yourself, figure out what YOU want for yourself and work toward that. 2
ThatJustHappened Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 So basically, you offered to leave your marriage for him and he rejected you. You don't need this guy..you need a therapist. That's not an insult, just a fact. 1
Author unsettled3 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 no never once offered to leave. in fact said from the beginning I probably never would. You missed the whole point of my message. Thanks for the other responses.
wisernow Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) no never once offered to leave. in fact said from the beginning I probably never would. You missed the whole point of my message. Thanks for the other responses. I'm sorry, I miss the point of your thread as well. Did you just want to tell a story or are you seeking some advice? What is the "whole point of your message"? Edited March 9, 2013 by wisernow 1
ThatJustHappened Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 no never once offered to leave. in fact said from the beginning I probably never would. You missed the whole point of my message. Thanks for the other responses. So then..what are you putting pressure on him for if you don't want a relationship? You're contradicting yourself. What are you hoping to gain from this man?
Author unsettled3 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 I guess my point is that I have has issues in my marriage way prior and know I need to deal with them. Of course I have felt I would like to be in a relationship with OM but I know its not healthy. I know I need to leave not for another man but for myself and what is best for me. I know being involved with OM is putting me in a fog so to say. Make some sense? Basically I know I need to focus my energies on my marriage and what I want/need out of life without the distraction. As far as why I wrote it - partly to just get it off my chest, partly to hear what some of you have confirmed - that it is just filling a void. I know this but I guess never realized feelings can grow so strong this way. I haven't felt like this for anyone else in 18+ years and just having a hard time distancing myself and dealing with him backing off as well. I have a lot of other issues going on so right now trying to focus on me and certain things. I feel as well as therapist has felt I am ready to leave marriage but I guess part of me wants to make sure I do all I can. It doesn't make sense to me yet so I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else. I just feel sad, upset and the "friendship" I have had with OM for 2 years is going away and not dealing well I guess. It is not so black and white I guess. Thanks for listening
FightClub Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hey Unsettled, How are you? I am a former OM who was involved in a long-distance EA/PA with a MW almost three years ago. A lot of what you wrote in the original post can be seen as confusing, as if you are trying to put down all your thoughts and in the process, can be a bit hard to understand without further clarification. In a lot of ways, we have similar stories different but some similar things. If you'd like to read my original thread from the OM perspective, you can find it here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/253073-never-thought-i-d-one Some things to consider for yourself; Why am I seeking attention outside the marriage? What led me on the path to confide in another man? What can I do from this point on if the EA is over and what can I do to work on imposing strict 'No Contact' with OM? There are a lot of answers within the forums, very wonderful people who can assist you but at the end of the day you have to articulate what it is you want and the right answers are always within the details, from within yourself as you traverse this affair mystery that you have found yourself in. As for the OM, I don't buy the 'unobtainable' line he fed you, it's very possible you both had a very vulnerable parts of your life that were fed by the affair feelings, meaning each affair partner was getting something, even if it ended up being nothing sustainable. After two years with no real action on either side, it's just a cycle of in/out emotions until one of you finally backed away. So, I can relate and respect the fact that OM stepped back and slowly ended contact. Ask yourself; if you were going to have a plan to leave someday, would you really do it for yourself or for someone you've only known within a fantasy? Sometimes we build people up and when the reality hits it's not that much different than the marriage you might possibly leave. Everything comes in time, ask the questions, dig deep into the forum and yourself and things will become clear over time. Welcome to Loveshack, -FC
ThatJustHappened Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I guess my point is that I have has issues in my marriage way prior and know I need to deal with them. Of course I have felt I would like to be in a relationship with OM but I know its not healthy. I know I need to leave not for another man but for myself and what is best for me. I know being involved with OM is putting me in a fog so to say. Make some sense? Basically I know I need to focus my energies on my marriage and what I want/need out of life without the distraction. As far as why I wrote it - partly to just get it off my chest, partly to hear what some of you have confirmed - that it is just filling a void. I know this but I guess never realized feelings can grow so strong this way. I haven't felt like this for anyone else in 18+ years and just having a hard time distancing myself and dealing with him backing off as well. I have a lot of other issues going on so right now trying to focus on me and certain things. I feel as well as therapist has felt I am ready to leave marriage but I guess part of me wants to make sure I do all I can. It doesn't make sense to me yet so I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else. I just feel sad, upset and the "friendship" I have had with OM for 2 years is going away and not dealing well I guess. It is not so black and white I guess. Thanks for listening There you go..that makes a whole lot more sense. You're going through a break up. Break ups suck but you'll be ok. Actually, yours is doubly sucky because you know you're on the verge of going through another one with your husband and now you don't have your OM to cushion the fall. You're doing the right thing by backing away..having an affair is not the right way to deal with a failing marriage..but I don't think I need to tell you that. It sounds like you already know. Your therapist seems to be doing a pretty good job helping you figure everything out, so basically the only thing I can offer you is a hug. (((unsettled))) Good luck.
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