My ****-storm of a relationship with a child-porn addict sociopath.

[whirl3daway]

This is my first post... so, hello! This will be long... apologies in advance!

 

I'm a 25F who started dating my ex-fiancee (29M) about 3 years ago. We met at work and hit it off really well (both only children w/ horrendous childhoods, internet dorks who love music and UFC) and started dating after he invited me to a concert. Things were good for awhile, but then his true colors started showing:

 

- Kept telling me he didn't want to be in a serious relationship (this made me chase him harder, apparently a big sign of codependency according to my therapist).

 

- After we got serious, had boundary issues with a girl we work with. She kept chasing him and texting him inappropriate things, as well as yelling at him in public for leading her on etc. He wouldn't cut her off, but also refused to acknowledge that he did anything wrong (kept hanging out with her and talking to her after she revealed she had feelings for him, showed enough interest to keep her hanging). We dealt with that.

 

- He made me cut off a few friends of mine that he was uncomfortable with for various reasons (prior history, etc). I understood this, and did so. Later found out that every single female acquaintance that he cared about keeping was someone he had feelings for (one in particular, an unrequited love of his of over 10 years who he deleted text messages to/from on a regular basis). We dealt with that.

 

- He never gave me compliments, or told me I look nice. I expressed a desire to hear this from him because it makes me happy (one of my love languages), he told me that he has never been able to do this before for any gf, etc etc. Later found out this was a lie; he was head over heels in love with his ex-gf who was "out of his league" according to him, complimented her constantly etc. We dealt with that.

 

- He mentioned that he didn't give me compliments because I was the "biggest and least attractive woman" he'd ever dated. I'm 5'6, 150lbs, size 8. I'm built thick. He likes tiny, short petite women because he said he feels like he has control over them. (should have been warning sign 1). He also said he likes me shaved because of "the young look" (warning sign 2).

 

- I asked him to get STD tested after he told me that he had a thing for trying to hook up with people from craigslist. He said he never hooked up with anyone. After all of the other trust breakers, I was growing suspicious of what he said vs. the truth. I decided to look through his email (people may hate on me for this, but I really don't care. It was worth it), found out that was a lie and he had hooked up with numerous girls. Also, at this point, I found emails between him and his ex-gf (mentioned above) which revealed that he had lied about never complimenting anyone etc.

 

- Our sex life began to die after the natural honeymoon period (which lasted about 6 months for us). He began to use porn and masturbation pretty much constantly, while rejecting me sexually (too tired, too full, too sleepy, not in the mood, stressed at work, I've heard em all). This hurt my feelings and I started getting very depressed and resentful towards him.

 

- He is a video game addict, who drinks a 6 pack a night and smokes 4-5 bowls a night. He has no friends, so he spends every night playing video games and drinking. I have codependency issues as stated previously, and started drinking a lot and stopped hanging out with my friends because he hated going out.

 

- He complained that he didn't like the way I dressed because it was too revealing (normal dresses/etc, I'm not into super revealing clothing), and he would ask me to change clothes a lot because he felt like I was "dressed too well" for him and he would worry about what people would think about him next to me. He is EXTREMELY concerned with the view others have of him.

 

- I would ask him to plan dates, etc for us. He didn't do anything. Basically anything I asked of him, he wouldn't do. He said he "forgot" or that he "didn't think about doing it". I ignored what this really meant for awhile and kept trying to force him to work on our relationship ( pathetic). He would tell me about how beautiful his ex is, and how she was so perfect except for cheating on him, and he tried to kill himself after she left him and he basically gave up on life after that. Lived in his mom's basement, no friends, no girlfriends, drinking/smoking/online poker.

 

- July 2012: looking through a laptop of his in the basement in order to see if we could sell it on ebay, I found a lot of files with child porn names. "Nine year old..."; "six year old..."; "14 year old lolita...". It disgusted me, and I confronted him ASAP. He said that he went through a dark period in his life when his ex left him, and he spent about 1.5 years watching child porn. He never saw the children as victims, he didn't see them as being raped, he loved the idea of grooming a sex slave. I didn't know what to do. He manipulated the **** out of me, by saying I wouldn't call the cops if I really loved him, that he was over this, please don't ruin his life over something he's learned his lesson about... etc. Stupidly, I believed him.

 

- Through every fight we've had, he shows no emotion unless I start getting angry. He doesn't talk, doesn't respond, doesn't say anything until I start to get pissed. Then, he turns it around on me and says he would communicate with me better if I just brought it up to him in a different, peaceful way. So I did my best with this for awhile... big surprise! Didn't change ****.

 

- I've also found more emails with his other behavior: groping his mom while she was passed out drunk; taking pictures of his roomie and her bf together and putting them on the internet; watching women changing and sunbathing nude and masturbating; masturbating at work; masturbating at my parents house; blah blah blah blah blahb lahkadfkhsdfjk.

 

- We started going to therapy on my insistence, he was very hesitant to go and I basically made him do it by finding a therapist. I have my issues too so I started seeing one and started fixing my life up. He was TERRIBLE with the therapist... as one can imagine. He didn't tell them the truth about anything, didn't open up... basically as one can imagine. One night we started talking, we had been discussing getting engaged before this and he basically said "well now you know the deepest secrets of my life, let's pick out a ring." and I was so happy. because this is of course what I wanted, him to be normal and loving and appreciate of me. (codependent! I fixed him yay!).

 

- We picked out and bought a ring. Then he started hemming and hawing about all the different reasons he couldn't propose yet. (money issues, his grandma didn't like that I'm an atheist, his mom has cancer, he isn't happy with the fact that he has $500 in debt, etc). I was basically like, a marriage is not about having the perfect time. It's about going through tough **** together and still liking each other at the end of it enough to work on things. He proposed to me one night after drinking, while sitting outside on our front step. He also kept saying that he wanted to propose all romantic blah blah blah. Basically everything this guy says is a lie, so it was all a lie. Not that I really care, but he didn't even get down on one knee. It made me a bit sad. IDIOT. I found CP and I was ignoring that because he didn't propose right. Jesus christ.

 

- Things keep going downhill. Sex dwindles down to 1-2x a month. He mentions that he doesn't want it more than that. I look at his phone. Porn every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. No CP, but lots of jailbait girls and whatever else.

 

- He finally breaks it to me that he's never been attracted to me, that my body is a huge turn off, he doesn't like my skin (I'm indian, he's colorblind, apparently I'm green to him), he doesn't like that I'm 5'6 and he's 5'10, he doesn't like that I'm 150 lbs and would like me better at 100-110, that he's with me because he likes my personality and thinks we get along well but would be fine if we never had sex. Blah blah blah.

 

- Basically, things go further down until I finally start breaking down and telling my friends about what I found. I had kept everything a secret so far because he said that's what I should do if I really loved him. I told a few friends (some of whom we work with, uncalled for yes, but couldn't keep it in anymore). They convinced me that I need to do better and call the cops on him. I did call the cops, they came to my house and looked at all my computer stuff but apparently didn't find anything. (he destroyed the original CP laptop while I was asleep). I tell my fiance, he is more upset that I broke his trust and told people.

 

- He tells me that he can't be with me anymore because he can't trust me. He has fallen out of love with me because of this. He's never been attracted to me anyway, but now he has very little urge to have sex with me because he finds me repulsive.

 

- We break up because I find this an atrocious response after everything he's put me through. This was about a month ago (finally finding my spine). I start doing therapy, I start going out with my friends more, I go on a few dates. He is supremely unaffected by everything, just sitting on his ass playing Black Ops 2 and drinking and smoking.

 

So here I am today.... dealing with the aftermath of the most destructive and unhappy relationship I've ever been in. I'm understanding that I was attracted to him very much because his personality is very similar to my dad's (emotionally robot droid types who smoke/drink/play pool/suck at interacting with humans), and I'm trying to fix my childhood issues through relationships.

 

The issues I'm now left with: I feel like I am really hideous and no one would ever want to have sex with me because I am ugly and obese. I feel like I'm never going to find someone real. I feel like I may never be able to trust another human. I feel lonely and sad as **** because I thought I was going to get married and have kids with the love of my life... but it turns out that that "love" of mine is completely nuts.

 

We went back to the therapist a few times after we broke up - the therapist finally pulled me aside and told me that my ex is completely emotionally empty. He has nothing more to give than what's on the surface. He only wants someone to sleep next to at night and share bills with... everything else is too much intimacy. It made it a bit easier for me to deal with, but for now we are still living together and of course, we work together so that sucks. It's weird seeing him be so happy with our interactions now. He's totally blissed out now that all he has to do is play video games and work haha.

 

This has been an incredibly damaging experience, but also a good life lesson. I'm doing a lot of introspective work and therapy and I'm going to start working out and have been doing good things for myself so I am in the process of healing.

 

BUT.

 

This still sucks, a lot. I just wanted to ask if anyone else has ever had an experience re: child porn in a relationship. It's incredibly hard to find resources out there.

 

Sorry for the epic novel.

[pteromom]

This still sucks, a lot. I just wanted to ask if anyone else has ever had an experience re: child porn in a relationship. It's incredibly hard to find resources out there.

 

Sorry for the epic novel.

 

Why are you looking for resources anyway? Your ex is obviously VERY disturbed and mentally unbalanced. He has a lot of issues, and you should be glad to be rid of him.

 

NOW - let him go and work on yourself. If that child porn is still on his computer, you may want to call an authority and report him (if you think he is really a threat to children, which it sounds like he might be).

 

Other than that, don't worry about fixing him, or finding a label to put on him, or trying to figure out what his deal is. Now, it's about healing yourself so you can move on to a new relationship.

 

Work on your self-esteem. If you are obese, work on that. Work on finding a life that makes you happy.

 

Let him go, and don't look back.

[whirl3daway]

Why are you looking for resources anyway? Your ex is obviously VERY disturbed and mentally unbalanced. He has a lot of issues, and you should be glad to be rid of him.

 

NOW - let him go and work on yourself. If that child porn is still on his computer, you may want to call an authority and report him (if you think he is really a threat to children, which it sounds like he might be).

 

Other than that, don't worry about fixing him, or finding a label to put on him, or trying to figure out what his deal is. Now, it's about healing yourself so you can move on to a new relationship.

 

Work on your self-esteem. If you are obese, work on that. Work on finding a life that makes you happy.

 

Let him go, and don't look back.

 

Oh, I've definitely already let him go and I have no desire to work on things. I'm just struggling a bit because I haven't met anyone else who has had an issue with their ex-fiance looking at CP and being completely insane, so thought that it would be nice to have resources in coping with the aftermath of that.

 

And I'm definitely not obese - I'm actually fairly thin!

[TigerCub]

" I thought I was going to get married and have kids with the love of my life."

 

 

It is extremely sad that your idea of "love of my life" is someone that's into child porn and doesn't view those poor kids as victims and thinks it would be great to groom a sex slave.

 

What went so wrong in your life that THIS is what you hope to end up with - would you really want to have kids with this monster - just putting them at risk to who knows what?!

 

I'm sorry that you are hurt and in CLEAR need of therapy. But I'm not sorry that you're not with this ass-hole any more.

 

Don't waste your time trying to figure out how to "save" him.

 

Look after yourself, get the help you need, build some sense of self esteem.

 

You mentioned that you have started therapy - that's good stick with it.

 

Good luck

[Lost Fish]

whirl3daway,

 

There is so much dysfunction and there are so many bad things going on with both of you that I don't even know where to begin.

 

First off, great job writing everything out - you do show that you recognize just how f*cked up this situation has been, and that's a start.

 

The very first thing I would do if I were you is GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT LIVING SITUATION. ASAP. Do not pass GO. Move home or with a friend if you have to. Break your lease if you have to, whatever it takes. Every single minute you spend in proximity to this guy is going to hold you back and is literally damaging you as a person.

 

Secondly. You are not fat. You are not unattractive (hey nice pic), you are far better than this man will ever be. Start living for yourself. Keep going to therapy. Start working on your own issues that made you so attracted to this demon. Do you see that it is a bit insane that you wanted to marry someone so horrible? I think I'd rather be paralyzed for life than be stuck in such a torturous poisonous relationship.

 

You show a lot of growth already, and I think even just writing all that horrible-ness out was cathartic to you. I encourage you to go back and re-read everything you wrote over the next few weeks (and months). And keep reminding yourself just how messed up it is. It will help your healing process.

 

Stick around LoveShack. You will find a lot of insight and help here.

 

Big hugs to you whirl3daway. You deserve so much better than he will ever give. There are normal dudes out there who don't look at child porn (disgusting), grope their mothers, and even tell you that you are beautiful, and get on their knee when they propose.

 

It's obvious that this dude had a lot of abuse in his life, probably sexual as well, and he will always be toxic until he hits a point where he realizes he can't live that way. And you enabling that kind of behavior by standing by only held his journey back as well.

 

Start forgiving yourself and letting him go.

 

Be strong. You got this. And you're only 25, jeez - you have so much living to do darlin.

[whirl3daway]

" I thought I was going to get married and have kids with the love of my life."

 

 

It is extremely sad that your idea of "love of my life" is someone that's into child porn and doesn't view those poor kids as victims and think it would be great to groom a sex slave.

 

What went so wrong in your life that THIS is what you hope to end up with - would you really want to have kids with this monster - just putting them at risk to who knows what?!

 

I'm sorry that you are hurt and in CLEAR need of therapy. But I'm not sorry that you're not with this ass-hole any more.

 

Don't waste your time trying to figure out how to "save" him.

 

Look after yourself, get the help you need, build some sense of self esteem.

 

You mentioned that you have started therapy - that's good stick with it.

 

Good luck

 

I'm wondering if I worded things weird, because I'm definitely not trying to save him or anything anymore. I couldn't care less what he does with his life as long as it doesn't effect me. I certainly don't consider him the love of my life anymore (god that WOULD be sad), but I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of thinking that's what I had, and learning that it's the complete opposite!

[Toddbt12y1]

That is one disgusting piece of scum!

Seriously? Children, not a victim? Yeah...I am sure Nine-year-olds, where all up for sexual actions. Clearly, this scum is deranged. If I were you, I would be glad to have gotten rid of such a low-life. He was not only a child-pedo, he was abusive towards you.

 

Apparently, he wanted you to be groomed to be his sex slave; be a certain weight, and etc. He has issues where he wishes to express a dominating power over the weak; i.e. children, small women. He is like a Ted-Bundy, but without the serial murders.

 

I would run. Run fast. Run hard. Not cry, not worry over something - someone like this. He needs his ass kicked, royally.

[TigerCub]

I'm wondering if I worded things weird, because I'm definitely not trying to save him or anything anymore. I couldn't care less what he does with his life as long as it doesn't effect me. I certainly don't consider him the love of my life anymore (god that WOULD be sad), but I'm having trouble dealing with the repercussions of thinking that's what I had, and learning that it's the complete opposite!

 

 

That's where a good therapist can do wonders.

 

Thanks for explaining things further.

 

I hope you look after yourself.

 

Just because you haven't found someone else to date now - doesn't mean that you never will. Work on you, set clear and high standards for yourself and I'm sure you will find someone that's actually good (FOR REAL) in the future - but honestly, I'd just advise that you work on you first.

 

Good luck

[whirl3daway]

but honestly, I'd just advise that you work on you first.

 

Absolutely! I have an excellent therapist and am seeing why I was so drawn to his destructive personality. I'm not planning on dating anyone seriously for awhile. I don't have anything left in me right now to be a good, healthy partner for someone good.

[destroyed4sho]

The issues I'm now left with: I feel like I am really hideous and no one would ever want to have sex with me because I am ugly and obese. I feel like I'm never going to find someone real. I feel like I may never be able to trust another human. I feel lonely and sad as **** because I thought I was going to get married and have kids with the love of my life... but it turns out that that "love" of mine is completely nuts.

 

 

He likes children not women. Why should you feel offended or hideous?

 

Oh goodness, were you really thinking of having children with this man? You have major issues....you need help, your therapist is obviously not helping, his/her only diagnosis of you is co-dependent, you need another therapist. because you have A LOT of other issues going on!! The whole child porn thing should of been a deal breaker.

Edited March 8, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[whirl3daway]

 

He likes children not women. Why should you feel offended or hideous?

 

Oh goodness, where you really thinking of having children with this man? You have major issues....you need help. The whole child porn thing should of been a deal breaker.

 

Well, I did not realize he was into children til about 8 months ago, after we had been together and I had been in love with him for awhile. It was very difficult for me to accept that the man I love was actually this person on the inside. He is also an EXCELLENT actor and manipulator, so he made it seem like he really understood why what he did was wrong, and how he didn't feel like that etc.

 

In retrospect and in the future, OBVIOUSLY this is a deal breaker. But it's the first time I've had to deal with something like this, and I come from a very abusive childhood myself. Abandonment is a real fear for me (as I'm seeing now), and I was more than willing to try and excuse this away. I'm obviously seeing now that this is part of my own mental well being problem, and I am working on it.

[Toddbt12y1]

Judging from your profile picture, you shouldn't think of yourself as ugly. You have a very pretty face, and you do not look at all bad. You look lovely, like a respectable Woman. That is key, he wanted children, not a woman.

 

I'm glad you did find this out, and left him. Before having kids. No telling what hell he would put them through. Either-way, Tigercub said it all, and cannot really add too that....

 

You are very pretty though; he was just a nasty scum.

[geegirl]

Dreaming of having kids with a man that preys on children. Thank your lucky stars you didn't get married to this man because I shudder to think about what he would have done to your children.

 

My gf was married to a man like this. She called the authorities on him and there is now a court case pending. He took it a step further and started seeing an underage girl.

 

It's pretty sad your ex gets to walk away and may possibly harm a child at some point.

[whirl3daway]

Do you see that it is a bit insane that you wanted to marry someone so horrible? I think I'd rather be paralyzed for life than be stuck in such a torturous poisonous relationship.

 

Heck yes I see this now. Hindsight is 20/20, right? When I was in the relationship, I had myself convinced that this is what I deserved, that he was good and he was right about how ugly and worthless I am. He didn't have any problems, it was just me blowing them out of proportion.

 

This is what he is really good at... turning things around so that he is never at blame for anything. I think he recognized how broken I am and zeroed in on me because of it.

 

I personally find CP to be appalling and horrendous. When I found the files, I couldn't even make myself look at them to make sure. I love kids, and I really want some of my own. It kills me to think that he might have (probably would have) abused them. When we first got together, he kept telling me how much he wanted kids and how he would be a great father.

 

Well, obviously I see why he wants kids so much now. I can't tell you guys how earth-shattering it was to find this out about him. A friend of mine who posts on this forum said it was like I was in this crazy fog state, stockholm-syndromed basically. That's exactly what it felt like. He made me feel crazy for having a problem, he made me feel like if I loved him, I would understand that he's not a pedophile.

 

It makes me want to slap myself in retrospect.

Edited March 8, 2013 by whirl3daway

[Sunshine87]

I don't know how you could ever look at him the same way after discovering that he likes children.

 

You don't believe in God but I believe that God exposed everything for your good. Ugh. What a sick man.

 

Ps- You are not fat. You are simply not skinny. I'm sure you're very attractive. Is Beyonce fat? Is scarlet johanson fat? Is Christina Hendricks fat? Was Marilyn Monroe fat? I don't know why you are affected by this man's opinion anyway. He isn't normal!!!!! He is mentally disturbed.

[whirl3daway]

Your ex is NPD, I KNOW he is because my ex is clinically NPD diagnosed and is EXACTLY like him (exactly, it would blow your mind how similar) I lived it seven years, thank your lucky stars you got away.

 

Look up "Cerebral Narcissist". You will find this is your ex primarily with a somatic phase. EVERYTHING will make sense once you start to research it and the healing will come very quick once you realize him for what he is.

 

I do now feel very lucky that it is over. Marrying him would have been the worst mistake of my life.

 

I am researching this... it's interesting that you say this, because my father is also very much an NPD. It appears NPD kids tend to be codependent (along with their other issues), and also tend to date other NPD persons. The book I am reading now mentions that people of my nature tend to be drawn towards NPD types very frequently.

[Mack05]

Whirl3 there is not more I can add which hasn't been added already. Obviously you need to make sure you never speak to this man again let alone anything else. I could comment on him, but it's best I don't.

 

This going forward has to be about you. Hopefully you are still going to regular therapy to help you resolve your issues. Think these book(s) will help you also -> Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life and codependency no more

Edited March 8, 2013 by Mack05

[whirl3daway]

Look up "Cerebral Narcissist". You will find this is your ex primarily with a somatic phase. EVERYTHING will make sense once you start to research it and the healing will come very quick once you realize him for what he is.

 

Holy wow, this sounds just like him. Thanks for this.

[Logan oO]

I haven't been in your situation but i was in a relationship with someone who was completely content bullying me into not talking to members of the opposite sex, and not doing the things i enjoyed. ~ She suffered from Depression ~

 

The thing you need to realize is that us guys aren't ALL bad, there are some genuinely good ones out there and the ONE piece of advice i will give you is that;

 

- Are you going to let that waste of oxygen / piece of disgusting trash stop you from living your life and finding the ONE for you. -

 

Believe me you WILL meet the guy perfect for you, as i believe i will meet the girl perfect for me.

 

The one thing you can be grateful to that walking rodent for is that he didn't try to force you to be with him, so now you truly can go on and find the man who will treat you as you treat him and love you as much as you love him.

 

Get as far away from that sick demented freak as you can. Don't ever accept excuses for being treated in ANY of the ways you were. You deserve much better.

 

For the record, us men generally prefer women who have some curves, as opposed to the Anorexic kind that social media has drilled into the minds of many women as being the pinnacle of perfection.

 

First Love YourSelf. Then Find Someone To Love You

 

Best of Luck - Just wanted to say, The World is now truly your oyster

[whirl3daway]

Understand: he ONLY insulted you to hurt you. NPDs are rarely with unattractive people because they NEED the external validation yet will destroy you in private for their own pleasure.

 

this is very helpful. I have felt like this about him many times. sorry you had to go through it, but thank you for sharing your experience. it really resonated with me.

[CarboniteCammy]

Welcome welcome!

 

I like AthiestScholar's post, too. Makes loads of sense.

 

I can't wait until you move out!

 

And...I hate the fact that he's walking around free as a bird. He should come with a warning label.

[whirl3daway]

Welcome welcome!

 

I like AthiestScholar's post, too. Makes loads of sense.

 

I can't wait until you move out!

 

And...I hate the fact that he's walking around free as a bird. He should come with a warning label.

 

Agreed. I can't wait either. Isn't it crazy how similar B seems to AtheistScholar's ex??