crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Hey guys, So here's my situation, sorry if it's long: My ex and I were together for 2 and a half years. I'm 22, currently working full-time, and she's 19 currently in her first year of college. I was a big flirt when I met her and she slowly changed me from that. We had an amazing relationship and treated each other well. Things got messy when she caught me flirting with a coworker, it ruined her trust. She was convinced that I was falling for my coworker and she wanted to break up. I pleaded and begged for forgiveness and she eventually decided to forgive me. Since then, I've been slowly regaining her trust back. Our relationship was amazing, she was my first Serious relationship as most of my past ones didn't last over a year. I was also her first. She would knit me clothes, be there for me when I'm having a bad day, always keeping a smile on my face, and most importantly she was my best friend. After the "honeymoon" stage, I became more and more comfortable being around her and I think that may be my mistake. I started doing things that I liked and I haven't done anything romantic recently. I'm very impatient and she doesn't like that (been trying to change but it's hard as I got this from my dad =/ ). We've also been arguing a lot throughout this stage, whether it's because I wanted to spend more time with her, or she's too busy to talk at all. I made sure she had a wonderful valentines day but the following we had The Talk. She wanted to either take a break or break up because she felt that things were different. She claimed that she lost feelings for me and she doesn't love me anymore, only as a close friend. I pleaded and tried to convince her to change her mind, even offered to move in with her and maybe that would solve things as we only see each other maybe once or twice a week. Eventually I decided to take a break. Two weeks later, I called her and reminded her about a NY trip that I wanted to take her for her spring break. She say she couldn't take time off at work as she is not allowed to take 3 days off in a row. She's apparently taking Friday off to go watch a basketball game with a friend (wouldn't tell me the name of the friend but if it's a guy, I should be mad-No?). Anyways, I then proceeded to ask her to meet up sometime during her break to talk about us. She replied "No, I don't want to. What's there to talk about?" We talked and talked and eventually broke up. I mentioned that I hope we can still be friends -is this a mistake? Anyways, she told me the reason she wanted to break up is because of the stress from school, money, work, and stress I'm causing her cause of how I want to spend time with her. Now it's been nearly 3 weeks since the weekend we decided to take a break and I've been re-evaluating the relationship and myself. I realized that I took her for granted and I shouldn't have done that. She made me feel so special and treated me so well while I was a total jerk to her. I really love her, she definitely changed me to be a better person. I did NC during the break and NC since the breakup. What's the best chance to get her back?Should I continue NC to get her back or stay in her current lives? She hangs out with my friends occasionally. Thanks for spending the time reading and helping me out, thank you so much.
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Hate to say it, but its over. My best guess is that she left you for someone else. She probably had more incentive to open up to other men after you flirted with someone else. You may as well go NC forever and nip it in the bud OR go through these very predictable steps that most people on here have gone through and still grieving. Dumper dumps dumpeeDumper says wants to be friends, Dumpee says "no friends" and vows to go NCDumper all of sudden indecisive, throws breadcrumbs at dumpeeDumpee wonders if this is IT, they are coming back?... YAY!! Breaks NCDumper never follows through and fades...Dumpee starts to grieve all over again from step oneDumpee vows to go NCProcess starts over again, but less intense starting from #3Until either Dumper fades OR Dumpee truly follows NC and Dumper fades anyway Then MAYBE, and Highly Unlikely......... Dumper reaches out Months laterDumpee breaks NCDumpee regains hopeRomance rekindled for a few weeksDumper AGAIN becomes indecisive and fades againDumpee starts grieving process again....this time its shorter and Dumpee buries any hope left.NC forever begins. Any route you decide to go, the results are the same.You have to lose all hope that IT IS OVER and they are NEVER coming back. Some people have to take the long route to convince themselves that it is over. It is okay...but fact remains it they are NEVER coming back.......so might as well just start NC now and save some drama and stress. Edited March 8, 2013 by destroyed4sho
Author crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hate to say it, but its over. My best guess is that she left you for someone else. She probably had more incentive to open up to other men after you flirted with someone else. You may as well go NC forever and nip it in the bud OR go through these very predictable steps that most people on here have gone through and still grieving. Dumper dumps dumpeeDumper says wants to be friends, Dumpee says "no friends" and vows to go NCDumper all of sudden indecisive, throws breadcrumbs at dumpeeDumpee wonders if this is IT, they are coming back?... YAY!! Breaks NCDumper never follows through and fades...Dumpee starts to grieve all over again from step oneDumpee vows to go NCProcess starts over again, but less intense starting from #3Until either Dumper fades OR Dumpee truly follows NC and Dumper fades anyway Then MAYBE, and Highly Unlikely......... Dumper reaches out Months laterDumpee breaks NCDumpee regains hopeRomance rekindled for a few weeksDumper AGAIN becomes indecisive and fades againDumpee starts grieving process again....this time its shorter and Dumpee buries any hope left.NC forever begins. Any route you decide to go, the results are the same.You have to lose all hope that IT IS OVER and they are NEVER coming back. Some people have to take the long route to convince themselves that it is over. It is okay...but fact remains it they are NEVER coming back.......so might as well just start NC now and save some drama and stress. Thank you for your feedback/advice. Yeah my close friend went through the same thing as I'm going through right now. He went NC for a month and now they're together again and considering marriage. -Congratz to him. But yes, many people are telling me its over. I'm considering moving on but I wanted to at least try, hope for the best while expecting the worst. Just thinking if it's for love, its okay to at least try my best one last time right?
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I know people don't want to believe this could be true because they are in DENIAL....there relationship is "special", their ex is a "weird duck", their ex is different, they are different, "I can get my ex back if I do this".....aghhh plahease.... The only way you MAY be able to get an ex back is if you did 1 thing that forced them to break up with you that was not really that significant and can be fixed with an apology. Other than that one exception, it is OVER.....FINISHED.
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Thank you for your feedback/advice. Yeah my close friend went through the same thing as I'm going through right now. He went NC for a month and now they're together again and considering marriage. -Congratz to him. But yes, many people are telling me its over. I'm considering moving on but I wanted to at least try, hope for the best while expecting the worst. Just thinking if it's for love, its okay to at least try my best one last time right? Sure go for it..It may help destroy some of the hope that you have left.
Author crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Sure go for it..It may help destroy some of the hope that you have left. Haha thanks for your help, I really appreciate it. If anyone else have any suggestions that would be great! I'm trying to see views from many people so I can either get her back or learn from this.
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 No you don't appreciate my post. Nothing I wrote sunk in and your trying to find someone on here that will feed into your hope a little. I am so sorry about your situation, I know the pain you feel. I have been through this myself. The faster you let go of false hope the faster you will heal and find a BRAND NEW gf. I don't know the details of your friends recently rekindled relationship, but don't try to find hope in your in that. It is so rare that this happens and will probably not last.
Sososad Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Hey sorry to hear your story .. Sounds rough.. It seems you had some issues that may need to be addressed yourself . I'm not saying fix all these and she comes back but maybe if u learn from them your better prepared in the next relationship . Think the previous posters words where harsh but very true and some people need that to see the logic. (No offense) I Agree with him too unfortunately that it is over . To say its over for ever is hard to say never is along time .. You need to realize and I'm in the same boat . We both got dumped .. We both realized we messed . We both know we want them back .. But The facts are they don't want us back . We did try . We can't do anymore . You can't keep texting , calling or whatever that drives her further away . You gotta try accept yes it's over (Believe me it's hard I'm Really struggling ) but its that hope there coming back that hurts you all over again if they don't .. I guess time will tell .. Maybe I sugar coated it more as its hard to hear the other way but I do agree with them.. It will get easier in time ... Look after yourself and try heal ... Edited March 8, 2013 by Sososad
Darren Steez Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 There is no magical formula for "getting her back". No one knows why she really broke up with you.. could be A) She's tired of you B) She's got her head turned by someone else or C) What she said So someone has made a decision, tough as it is, to break up with you, it's for a reason. She's gone ahead and taken the difficult action, for a reason. There is nothing you can do to affect that reason because it has nothing to do with you. It's all about her, her choice, her life. So the best thing you can do and stop clinging to hope. Hope will get you all kinds of heartache because ultimately if she doesn't want to be with you then no matter what you do, beg, buy her flowers, sing under her bedroom window, isn't going to change her mind if her mind is that made up *especially if there is another dude on the side* Let her go. Move on. If your roads cross in the future then fine but don't cling onto false hope, especially when you've been told what's up. 1
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Sorry to sound harsh. I hate to see people go through the painful roller-coaster ride I have been on that let me off at the exact the same spot I boarded. I am just warning you, don't go on this roller-coaster ride..its not worth it...it doesn't take you anywhere different! Your going to end up in the same place you are right now at this very minute. 1
Author crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hey sorry to hear your story .. Sounds rough.. It seems you had some issues that may need to be addressed yourself . I'm not saying fix all these and she comes back but maybe if u learn from them your better prepared in the next relationship . Think the previous posters words where harsh but very true and some people need that to see the logic. (No offense) I Agree with him too unfortunately that it is over . To say its over for ever is hard to say never is along time .. You need to realize and I'm in the same boat . We both got dumped .. We both realized we messed . We both know we want them back .. But The facts are they don't want us back . We did try . We can't do anymore . You can't keep texting , calling or whatever that drives her further away . You gotta try accept yes it's over (Believe me it's hard I'm Really struggling ) but its that hope there coming back that hurts you all over again if they don't .. I guess time will tell .. Maybe I sugar coated it more as its hard to hear the other way but I do agree with them.. It will get easier in time ... Look after yourself and try heal ... Thanks for your feedback. Curious, how long did it take you to get over your ex? How are things with you now? Just hanging out and enjoying the single life, found a rebound (not to be mean but its a possiblity), or did you find another already? Just curious, not trying to offend you in anyway.
Author crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 There is no magical formula for "getting her back". No one knows why she really broke up with you.. could be A) She's tired of you B) She's got her head turned by someone else or C) What she said So someone has made a decision, tough as it is, to break up with you, it's for a reason. She's gone ahead and taken the difficult action, for a reason. There is nothing you can do to affect that reason because it has nothing to do with you. It's all about her, her choice, her life. So the best thing you can do and stop clinging to hope. Hope will get you all kinds of heartache because ultimately if she doesn't want to be with you then no matter what you do, beg, buy her flowers, sing under her bedroom window, isn't going to change her mind if her mind is that made up *especially if there is another dude on the side* Let her go. Move on. If your roads cross in the future then fine but don't cling onto false hope, especially when you've been told what's up. I really hope theres no other guy..I asked if there was and she specifically said "no theres no other guy, and I don't have the time to balance school, work, and relationship." But you're right, I shouldn't hang around and if shes the One, it'll work out in the end.
Author crimsonite Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Sorry to sound harsh. I hate to see people go through the painful roller-coaster ride I have been on that let me off at the exact the same spot I boarded. I am just warning you, don't go on this roller-coaster ride..its not worth it...it doesn't take you anywhere different! Your going to end up in the same place you are right now at this very minute. Just curious, how's your love life now? Did you find another or are you just enjoying the single life? How long did it take you to move on (yes, I know that its different for everyone but just curious).
Sososad Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Thanks for your feedback. Curious, how long did it take you to get over your ex? How are things with you now? Just hanging out and enjoying the single life, found a rebound (not to be mean but its a possiblity), or did you find another already? Just curious, not trying to offend you in anyway. I'm not that long outta break up to be honest just over a month So I'm nowhere near ok.. But I can tell you i spent 3 weeks thinking she will be back this is just her sulking or whatever but by god when I realized she wasn't coming back !! Back to square one it hurt like u wouldn't believe . No one here can give u answers we can all only advise on our experiences . She told me she didnt want me as much as I don't like that what can I do.. I've gone full no contact .. For a couple of reasons to help me heal .. Give her what she wants ... I can't change her mind so I know in time ill fully accept the breakup and she's gone ... It gets easier day by day tho .. Give yourself some time tho to try process the whole lot ..
Author crimsonite Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 One of our mutual friend's birthday is coming up. I'm pretty sure she will go and may even contact me to see if I can give her a ride. None of our mutual friends are aware that we broke up by the way. How should I handle this situation? First, at the event, how would I handle it with her there and all. Second, if she askes for a ride, should I turn her down or be nice and give her a ride. (I used to open and close the door for her, EVERY time she gets into my car). Might help to know that she does not drive and may have trouble arriving at the location of the event without a car ride.
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Crimsonite, As a woman and as a person who has had their heart broken AND broken a heart or two: it is over. Unequivocally. She is not coming back now and you need to move on. But a few other pieces of advice on HOW to move on: 1) Understand that people do fall in and out of love. You didn't necessarily do anything wrong and neither did she. But you also couldn't have changed this outcome. You are both at an age where you change significantly - school and work experiences drive that - and she has lost those feelings. She's not a bad person; you're not at fault; but you need to accept it. 2) Get active. When you sit around and think and brood and mourn and plan on when you will "see her" or how you could "run into her," you stop living. You go to a dark, desperate place where you are trying to change fate and the futility of that is that she won't respond the way you want to and it will only make you more sad. Instead, start living and don't focus on your hurt. It's still there but YOU are the only one who can make it better. And that means not giving it constant legs. 3) Go no contact. That forces you out of the cycle. When you contact, you emotionally live off of the potential for that contact. You cognitively accept the low, but you believe the high - the best possible outcome. What you will get is something in-between. It's never enough and the feeling of sadness, depression and loneliness that happens when the contact is over isn't worth the anticipation or the contact itself. 4) Don't read into any contact she gives you. Stay off that merry-go-round. If she comes to you and says she made a mistake and she wants you back and these are the things she's planning on doing to make sure that you guys never get into the situation again, then she wants you back. If she responds to a text, or drunk emails you, or talks to you at a party, she is just responding, drunk or being friendly. You were in a relationship for a long-time. She knows how to state what she wants. Reading more into casual contact sets you up for more hurt. 5) Avoid the party. It's empowering to start taking back your life and one step is to go no contact. You can enforce that by avoiding the party. Own your own life and make it as happy as you can. 6) Recognize that no one ever dies of a broken heart and life isn't going to stop. It's a sad time, but you do heal - even against your own will. Best of luck. You will live to love again. 1
Author crimsonite Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Today marks 1 week since break up, I've also gone NC since the break up. The only time I think about her is the time I spend laying on my bed trying to fall asleep. I think that's pretty good right? Anyways, georgia girl, what do you strongly believe she is not coming back? You don't believe that going NC will make her miss me and come back? The event that's coming up is my close friend's wife's birthday so I think I must attend this event unfortunately. Any advice as to how I should act?
Amelie1980 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I know people don't want to believe this could be true because they are in DENIAL....there relationship is "special", their ex is a "weird duck", their ex is different, they are different, "I can get my ex back if I do this".....aghhh plahease.... The only way you MAY be able to get an ex back is if you did 1 thing that forced them to break up with you that was not really that significant and can be fixed with an apology. Other than that one exception, it is OVER.....FINISHED. See I did 1 insignificant thing that forced him to bu with me and an apology should have fixed it...... So what do I do....
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 It's over because she has said her feelings have changed and because you made plans for a trip and she's now cancelled them. It's also over because she has told you she needs space. She is trying to tell you gently that it is over, but you are not wanting to hear it. A woman still in love with you would want to try and she would want the "mini vacation" that a few days in the city would create. A little chance to recreate the magic. She's not taking you up on the offer. Go to the party if you have to, but don't seek her out. And between here and there, really focus on your life and what makes you happy. I realize I am a bad, bad example. My history is that my significant other broke up with me and we did get back together (and we're married now). BUT and this is a huge but, I just walked away. I really did. I got on with my life. I ignored him and surrounded myself with my friends and new activities. Nearly immediately, he reversed course and wanted me back. I said no. And I said no for awhile. He eventually earned my trust and we did get back together. But we're older and we also committed to therapy. My situation is very, very rare. I wouldn't advise anyone to count on that type of reconciliation. So, please don't do no contact as a way to get her back. I didn't. I really didn't want to hear from the dirtbag. He played absolutely h*ll getting me back and I didn't care. To this day, I am so glad I put myself first then and really focused on me. When I could finally trust him, it worked so well for both of us. But I never did no contact as a way to get him back. I was out. And by the way, he's not a dirtbag to me now, either.
Author crimsonite Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 It's over because she has said her feelings have changed and because you made plans for a trip and she's now cancelled them. It's also over because she has told you she needs space. She is trying to tell you gently that it is over, but you are not wanting to hear it. A woman still in love with you would want to try and she would want the "mini vacation" that a few days in the city would create. A little chance to recreate the magic. She's not taking you up on the offer. Go to the party if you have to, but don't seek her out. And between here and there, really focus on your life and what makes you happy. I realize I am a bad, bad example. My history is that my significant other broke up with me and we did get back together (and we're married now). BUT and this is a huge but, I just walked away. I really did. I got on with my life. I ignored him and surrounded myself with my friends and new activities. Nearly immediately, he reversed course and wanted me back. I said no. And I said no for awhile. He eventually earned my trust and we did get back together. But we're older and we also committed to therapy. My situation is very, very rare. I wouldn't advise anyone to count on that type of reconciliation. So, please don't do no contact as a way to get her back. I didn't. I really didn't want to hear from the dirtbag. He played absolutely h*ll getting me back and I didn't care. To this day, I am so glad I put myself first then and really focused on me. When I could finally trust him, it worked so well for both of us. But I never did no contact as a way to get him back. I was out. And by the way, he's not a dirtbag to me now, either. Congratz to you, I need to learn your secret lol. I understand that I should move on. I have a question though, I've been reading around LS and listening to music every now and then, how do you feel about fighting for love? It seems to me there a some, or few people who feels very strongly about fighting for love and/or they will wait until shes ready, etc. I hope you understand where I'm going with this, feel free to let me know if you would like me to clarify it. I'd like to hear what your opinion on this.
Cogee Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It's been 5 weeks since she told you she doesn't love you any more. That right there was the end, not when you talked 2 weeks later. crimsonite, your posts honestly come across to me as a very desperate and needy person right now. You are not in a good place mentally and I think you should tell your good friend that you don't think it's a good idea for you to attend that party. I'm sure both he and his wife will understand if they are really close to you. As hard as it is, you have to let go otherwise you will keep finding excuses and ways to justify contacting, pleading, and eventually ending up in a weak pathetic state of mind with no choice but to do what you should have done from the start.
georgia girl Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I know you want me to tell you that it's worth the shot to fight for love, but I can't. I was so afraid that my story would give you hope as well, so I nearly didn't tell you. (But, I was afraid you'd look it up, think I'm a hypocrite and discount what I'd said.) Crimsonite, you are not fighting for love. You are chasing feelings that are gone and you are only delaying your own healing. At this point, I would argue that you don't even love her anymore, but you are obsessed with the idea of being in love with her. Start taking control of your thoughts and begin healing. Don't keep letting yourself go to that dark, desperate place. Instead, make one small change everyday to start getting on with your life. It is over. It is sad, but broken hearts heal. Before my husband, I had one other great love in my life. He was - I thought - my best friend and soul mate. We spent five years together. I am so incredibly grateful that he broke my heart. I have the love of my life and I would never have found him had I not gotten my heart broken. Take care. You will heal from this... once you allow yourself to. 1
Author crimsonite Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Cogee and Georgia girl, thank you for your opinions. Guess it's time to move on. I will still be around, seeing if I can help anyone that's in my situation. Hopefully I won't let you guys down and I can update my situation in a few months from now. Once again, Thanks for everything!
georgia girl Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Actually, the last thing I want to do is chase you away. Stay here and stay posting. Continue to share your thoughts. Where I post strongly is because I don't want you to hurt yourself by deceiving yourself. You do need time to mourn and this forum is a great opportunity to share with others in the same position. There used to be a great post here about what you'd like to say to your ex. It was incredibly therapeutic. Find threads like that and find ways to work through the disconnect between what you think you want so much and what you have. And I really promise you that you will find the right person to love and that love will be phenomenal. You seem like a warm, caring guy who is unafraid of commitment. You'll find her and she'll be amazing. But to find her, you have to put yourself back together. Stay here. It helps. And you'll be fine. 1
travelonic Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I know people don't want to believe this could be true because they are in DENIAL....there relationship is "special", their ex is a "weird duck", their ex is different, they are different, "I can get my ex back if I do this".....aghhh plahease.... Well, TBH, just because it is true in a lot of cases doesn't mean it is true ALL the time - and to act like [situation] is always [some particular way]/others who disagree are necessarily in denial, or wrong, well, I can't exactly find advice from somebody who believes in one extreme [OR THE OTHER, so I'm clear] seriously, but that's just me.
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