I am doing everything wrong

[tdf76]

My story...My wife and I just divorced in December after 12 years together and two children (4 and 8). We have been apart since August of last year. During our marriage I cheated 3 times and I wasnt a good communicator and I wasnt good at expressing myself emotionially. So I obviously know why she left and honestly I never thought she would. Wake up call to me when she finally did. At the time I was working two hours from home and would stay around the job during the week and would come home on the weekends but eventually stayed away due to the separation. So of course I tried really hard to talk her out of the divorce and work on "us" but it was already too late and she told me there was nothing I could do to change her mind and that she cant get passed the hurt, which I of course understand. . I bugged her for six months to work it out(begged, pleaded, cried) until the divorce was final in December, which then I kind of gave up but still continued to talk to her. Well in January I got a job close to "home" and when she found out she started texting me and having something to do with me. She would come see me with the kids and we talked about getting back together. She said she was still hurt and that she wanted to take "baby steps" well after about two weeks the baby steps turned into back tracking, calling me names, and lying. I didnt know what was going on and she would not open up to me and only said she misses her family but is confused as to what she wants and said she was afraid of going back into a rut. Like an idiot I confided in her sister and she told me I was doing good and to give it time. I asked my wife if she wanted me to move on and she kept saying "it has to be your decision" and finally the sister told me I just need to move on and be happy after weeks of her saying "don't give up, she is still considering giving it another try. Nothing was making sense, did I push too hard, what mistake did I make? All these questions were going through my head.

 

Here is where it gets interesting, come to find out she had met someone at the end of our relationship and thats what prompted the quick divorce in my opinion and I guess she is still with him. I finally put a lot of pieces together to figure it out. Her sister obviously knew everything and lied to me as well. Even after I told them I knew what was going on and I hope she is happy with him (even though I didnt know every detail) they still would not admit that she is with anybody. I don't know if its because they are very religious and don't want it getting out that she left for someone else or they were afraid of how I would react. Well last week she posted a cover photo on FB (we are not friends but she made the photo public) that said "when the cats away the mice play" which she used to tell me after I cheated on the road. Her caption said "yes, he still is 2/10/13 ;D" but she wrote it in Spanish I feel because I was with a girl from Peru during our relationship. Then 4hrs after posting it, she text me to tell me my sons principle was retiring. Why is she playing games? I told her I was going to date and that she wasnt going to keep me being the only one trying to fix our marriage. Her response was "good", what is she trying to do by doing this. Is she trying to get back at me and if so, why? The damage is done and she divorced me, why more. Is this type action screaming, I want you to feel more pain and is it a sign that she still cares about what we had that ended so badly?

 

Eitherway I finally decided to do NC and I am on day 10 and I only talk about the kids with her.So here is my question, I do not want to throw away 12 years and I do love her and want to reconcile, she was a wonderful wife but I took her for granted. I know what she did was bad but I feel I gave her no choice, she met someone who gave her what I wasnt but I still feel like I have to be doing the footwork. Any advise on if I should continue NC to help her get through the pain I caused her or should I start putting a plan I have worked on for six months into action. Having this time alone has made me appreciate so much that I had. I have worked on finding me and changing. I have been to therapy, the whole nine yards to understand why I was doing those bad things to her and she saw it when she came around in January, her sister told me that my ex saw the changes and believes that I have. What do I need to do. I am not at the point of letting go yet, I want to give this one more shot and to be committed to it.

Edited March 8, 2013 by tdf76

[tdf76]

Also. I never gave any negative emotion toward her after I found out. I smile and act like im great when I am around her to swap the kids. And the FB post is still there 9 days later