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Probably one of the most complicated situations you'll ever hear about

subliminalthoughts

By subliminalthoughts
in Second Chances

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subliminalthoughts New Member

subliminalthoughts

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I apologize in advance about the length, and for how confusing this may get, but this has been my life for the past year and I'm really not sure what to do. So I definitely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through all of this & offer me advice! :)

So, I'm 19, almost 20. When I was 15, I met this guy, I'll call him Alex in here. (Not his real name.) He was a grade ahead of me & 6 months older than me. We dated for the rest of highschool and into college. (Totaling 3 years and some odd months.) We were each others' firsts for everything. Kiss, sex, bf/gf, etc. (We both stayed living at home for college, so no LDR here, and we live about 20 mins from each other.) But about a year ago we broke up. (Not to get too into the details of the breakup bc I don't think that's as what's important here, but over the last 6 months of our relationship it had just gotten less...fun. It felt like it had become more of a routine, and we fought almost all the time.) He was the one to technically break up with me, although to be fair (and I told him this) there were times when I'd thought of ending it first. I just didn't for whatever reason, I don't remember.

When we first broke up, we didn't talk for about 3 months. We went our separate ways, but for the most part there weren't any hard feelings. We just needed our own space for a while. I started dating someone new (rebound relationship, didn't last very long) and he tried seeing another girl, but she moved away and that didn't work out.

Then one day in May we randomly decided to hang out. We briefly talked and agreed that although our relationship hadn't worked out, we still enjoyed each others' company as friends and agreed to try that. Everything went well, we talked, caught up, etc, but at the end of that day, he randomly kissed me. This started an entire friends-with-benefits (I know, I know) for the rest of the summer. We would take brief breaks from our FWB situation when we would decide to see someone else, but it never lasted beyond a couple months and we would always end up hooking up again.

At one point we even considered getting back together, we both admitted we still had feelings & even told each other "I love you" again. (This was in November, right around the time our 4 year anniversary would have been if we'd been official.) But for various reasons we decided not to risk it. I had actually liked another guy at that point, and Alex was upset about that so I guess it "scared him off" for lack of a better word. But the whole reason I had become interested in the other guy, was because I felt that things would never progress beyond a FWB with Alex, and at that point I was looking for a legitimate relationship. Alex hadn't told me he'd started having feelings for me again until too late.

That stopped the FWB for a while, I dated the other guy and Alex met this other girl. We resumed being just friends and everything was copasetic. (and he has become one of my best friends despite everything, he's the one person who has come to rescue me/get me out of jams/etc when I've really needed someone, even when we weren't hooking up.)

In December, when Alex and this new girl had only hung out a few times, we hooked up one last time, and then after that everything sexual stopped and we went back to being just friends.

Until a few days ago that is. I've been on the outs with the other guy (he has to go away for a long time for his job so we're on a break for now) and Alex's new girl (they aren't official, but they've been talking/hanging out/etc) is in Alaska for a few months to visit her sister. We've hung out a couple times over the past week and each time has been flirtier than the last. He kept tickling/finding excuses to touch me and then we ended up making out for a while. (again, HE initiated all of this, but I did go along with it, it's not like I told him to stop.)

I don't even know how I feel about this anymore. I still have feelings for him, but at the same time, I don't know where this is going. If I had to guess I would say that he still has feelings, because he's NEVER been the type of guy to fool around with another girl while talking to/interested in another. And he's done this TWICE with me in the time that he's been talking to this other girl. (I've known the guy since I was 15, trust me he's not normally like that.) He's even admitted that when he's with me sometimes he "forgets about everything else" and things just happen. I'm the first person he tells things to, like I know all the details about him and this new girl, his family drama, etc and he goes out of his way to be there for me if I need him. And I know he genuinely cares for me, I just don't know in what way. Plus now I feel guilty, because he's down here flirting with/making out with me while the girl he supposedly has a thing for is up in Alaska, and I'm on the outs/taking a break with my current boyfriend.

Is there anything I can say to him? Basically I just would like to know what the heck is going on. This is so confusing, and I don't even know what to think/do/say anymore.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted

Your situation is actually pretty typical. You and Alex are comfortable with each other, its natural to gravitate towards something you are familiar with.

 

What is it you want? Obviously not FWB because you are confused with that, so a relationship? Just friendship?

briansprincess Member

briansprincess

Posted
Posted
I apologize in advance about the length, and for how confusing this may get, but this has been my life for the past year and I'm really not sure what to do. So I definitely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through all of this & offer me advice! :)

So, I'm 19, almost 20. When I was 15, I met this guy, I'll call him Alex in here. (Not his real name.) He was a grade ahead of me & 6 months older than me. We dated for the rest of highschool and into college. (Totaling 3 years and some odd months.) We were each others' firsts for everything. Kiss, sex, bf/gf, etc. (We both stayed living at home for college, so no LDR here, and we live about 20 mins from each other.) But about a year ago we broke up. (Not to get too into the details of the breakup bc I don't think that's as what's important here, but over the last 6 months of our relationship it had just gotten less...fun. It felt like it had become more of a routine, and we fought almost all the time.) He was the one to technically break up with me, although to be fair (and I told him this) there were times when I'd thought of ending it first. I just didn't for whatever reason, I don't remember.

When we first broke up, we didn't talk for about 3 months. We went our separate ways, but for the most part there weren't any hard feelings. We just needed our own space for a while. I started dating someone new (rebound relationship, didn't last very long) and he tried seeing another girl, but she moved away and that didn't work out.

Then one day in May we randomly decided to hang out. We briefly talked and agreed that although our relationship hadn't worked out, we still enjoyed each others' company as friends and agreed to try that. Everything went well, we talked, caught up, etc, but at the end of that day, he randomly kissed me. This started an entire friends-with-benefits (I know, I know) for the rest of the summer. We would take brief breaks from our FWB situation when we would decide to see someone else, but it never lasted beyond a couple months and we would always end up hooking up again.

At one point we even considered getting back together, we both admitted we still had feelings & even told each other "I love you" again. (This was in November, right around the time our 4 year anniversary would have been if we'd been official.) But for various reasons we decided not to risk it. I had actually liked another guy at that point, and Alex was upset about that so I guess it "scared him off" for lack of a better word. But the whole reason I had become interested in the other guy, was because I felt that things would never progress beyond a FWB with Alex, and at that point I was looking for a legitimate relationship. Alex hadn't told me he'd started having feelings for me again until too late.

That stopped the FWB for a while, I dated the other guy and Alex met this other girl. We resumed being just friends and everything was copasetic. (and he has become one of my best friends despite everything, he's the one person who has come to rescue me/get me out of jams/etc when I've really needed someone, even when we weren't hooking up.)

In December, when Alex and this new girl had only hung out a few times, we hooked up one last time, and then after that everything sexual stopped and we went back to being just friends.

Until a few days ago that is. I've been on the outs with the other guy (he has to go away for a long time for his job so we're on a break for now) and Alex's new girl (they aren't official, but they've been talking/hanging out/etc) is in Alaska for a few months to visit her sister. We've hung out a couple times over the past week and each time has been flirtier than the last. He kept tickling/finding excuses to touch me and then we ended up making out for a while. (again, HE initiated all of this, but I did go along with it, it's not like I told him to stop.)

I don't even know how I feel about this anymore. I still have feelings for him, but at the same time, I don't know where this is going. If I had to guess I would say that he still has feelings, because he's NEVER been the type of guy to fool around with another girl while talking to/interested in another. And he's done this TWICE with me in the time that he's been talking to this other girl. (I've known the guy since I was 15, trust me he's not normally like that.) He's even admitted that when he's with me sometimes he "forgets about everything else" and things just happen. I'm the first person he tells things to, like I know all the details about him and this new girl, his family drama, etc and he goes out of his way to be there for me if I need him. And I know he genuinely cares for me, I just don't know in what way. Plus now I feel guilty, because he's down here flirting with/making out with me while the girl he supposedly has a thing for is up in Alaska, and I'm on the outs/taking a break with my current boyfriend.

Is there anything I can say to him? Basically I just would like to know what the heck is going on. This is so confusing, and I don't even know what to think/do/say anymore.

 

Wow that was a lot to read. Lol. Well I'm 19 as well and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years so I think I know where you are coming from. My boyfriend and I broke up in September. We tried to remain friends but trust me it never works. We realized this and got back together in a week. Lol. You can't go from being in love, having sex, sharing everything to just buddies. As for the whole " friends with benefits" that's not good either. You obviously still love and care and are attracted to one another, maybe you should give your relationship another try. You have two opinions to get out of this situation. Move on. Have no contact, physical or anything like texting or calls. Even if it's just an occasional text. You must get over each other, plus it isn't fair to the other person in your life. That or, you try again. Break up with your SO and give it another try. To me, you guys should. You still seem in love so go for it. As for what you should tell him or do. Sit down with him and talk about your feelings. Tell him how you feel. That you guys either need to be together or move on.. Once you have this talk you should either end up together or finally have closer. Good luck !!! :)

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted

Just date him already

You both want it.

  • Like 1
fungusamungus Established Member

fungusamungus

Posted
Posted
Just date him already

You both want it.

This.

 

As long as you continue to play this little game, you're both going to be emotionally unavailable to new people. It's very hard to hook up with an ex without strings attached.

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subliminalthoughts New Member

subliminalthoughts

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Your situation is actually pretty typical. You and Alex are comfortable with each other, its natural to gravitate towards something you are familiar with.

 

What is it you want? Obviously not FWB because you are confused with that, so a relationship? Just friendship?

 

I'd like to try a relationship again with him, but I'm not sure if he feels the same and I don't know how to go about asking. Honestly I'm afraid of putting it all out there and having him turn me down and completely crush me.

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

Posted
Posted

Have you ever considered just not being in a relationship with anyone for a while? Although it does sounds as though you do have feelings for each other, it is possible that you are simply relying on each other as "placeholders" for when there is a "lull" in other relationships because it feels "comfortable".

 

My advice is to take a break from relationships--with others and each other--and give yourself a chance to experience life on your own for a while. Believe it or not, being single is not a bad thing and can actually be a lot of fun.

 

For the record, I gave my son the same advice when he was in college after a breakup with a girl who he began dating soon after he and his former gf of 4 years broke up. He was single for about 3 years before meeting the woman who is now his wife. During that time, he met a lot of new people, formed some terrific friendships and really had a chance to discover what his priorities were without being influenced by someone else's desires.

 

Just something to consider.

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