Elfie Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Last night MM rang, so I break no contact by answering. He said he wanted to see how I was (original) and could we meet for a few minutes. We live opposite and during NC I have been struggling to fit going out with when he's out and when he's not. I've done really well during NC, the only problem being missing the friendship side and not actually feeling any emotion, which is very strange, but I can't go through life on that level as far as where we live goes. A few minutes turned into an hour, he said he doesn't want to let me go, he admits he can't leave right now (said many times) and even if we just go out as friends he'd be happy (also said many times, but he always engineers a physical situation and I'm too idiotic to assert myself). His W rang constantly but he didn't answer - she gets upset if he doesn't reply when she says "Love you" at the end of the call, he starts saying things like "of course I'm OK< I'm just driving that's all" but he tells me he says "love you too" in reply out of habit, and if he does answer, he goes outside - fair enough, but he says it's because it's noisy/or some excuse. What I think is that he is cooler while talking to her if I am there, and she notices, but he doesn't want to be sweetie with her if I am sat there next to him - or he doesn't want to be nice to her as he needs to give me the impression they aren't close.....whatever, he didn't answer while we were talking, said she can wait. I think though that he knows I'll be leaving in a few minutes and he'll call her back as soon as I've gone, probably apologise for missing her calls and as he has said to her while I'm there, "I couldn't answer, I was driving". Then a few minutes later, back home, I'm in the garden and he actually walks over to talk to me, which he never does, because of the neighbours - even though he talks to all the other (both elderly and married) women in the area - just doesn't talk to me. ?? I guess he really wants to win me over, but I say "You're wife will be home soon" and he says "She's on her way, yes". Then quickly adds "I think..." so I guess he phoned her as soon as my back was turned. He says he would like to go out maybe once a week for a few hours and no physical stuff, he just likes spending time with me - but this has been said many times and either he tries for more, or I give in and give him another chance, not able to lose the contact with someone who sometimes seems to care about me. How do you believe these men when they say their marriage is empty, there is no contact or warmth, that they want to be with you but can't (he has 3 grown up kids from previous ralationships and 2 grandchildren, his W has 4 kids and about 7 grandkids, but they don't actually have any kids together). This morning I think and think and think and I text him to say I can't do this, it's wrong, it's making me cry etc etc and I've had my phone switched off since. This has been the pattern though for several months, and another weekend watching him, avoiding him or wanting him ahead. what a head mess. Thoughts welcome...
HeartWon'tHeal Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 My advice is to run; not walk; away from him. You will end up with a broken heart. Tell him he can contact you when he is divorced. 4
stevie_23 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Yes. In this case, if he REALLY wants to be with you? He HAS to be ONLY with you. I am in some ways thankful my ex-MM didn't keep playing mind games with me after he finally ended it. *sigh* At least he didn't prolong the pain.
AnotherRound Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Here are my two cents... this relationship has become unhealthy for you. Maybe it always was, I don't know, but at this point in time, it seems like it definitely is. Does he expect you to be able to "turn back time" and "just be friends"? Because I'm a pretty firm believer that this just isn't possible for people who have truly been intimate on a deep level - to change the dynamic of their relationship into "just friends". It's like dialing backwards, and I haven't ever seen it work well (and personally, I don't do it, I think it's, for lack of a better word, weird, and I have no desire to move backwards with people). It sounds like you are going to have to be the strong one here as he is unwilling or incapable of doing so. Everything else is superfluous, it doesn't really matter how anyone feels about anyone right now - it matters that you aren't comfortable, that you aren't feeling healthy - that you aren't the best you that you can be BECAUSE of this situation and this relationship. That is what needs to be focused on and dealt with, imo - not all the background noise about love and the wife and that it's an A, etc. Not that those things aren't important, but it sounds like it is time to focus on the biggest part of the fire - and that is that you don't LIKE where you are or how you are feeling - right? I hope you are able to find some sort of peace soon, but I don't think that's going to happen UNTIL you decide that your peace is worth attaining - even if it means giving up someone that you love deeply bc they aren't what you need. ???? 1
Author Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 All really really helpful replies, thank you so much. He rang last night and said he didn't receive a text (yet it showed on my phone it went) I guess he just chose to ignore my thoughts, feelings and what I want! He said he'll tell his W tomorrow he's out collecting scrap and I can meet him and we can have some fun - which I now know is in his van, in a field or layby somewhere......I have allowed myself to be so degraded. He must have realised I was upset as he left he said "I want to make love to you. Just try and be happy". Make love?? At home he rang again as I was sending him a text to say I've had enough. He said he was just ringing "to say goodnight" - keeping me on the boil I guess, making me feel real special. I've been numb for weeks, not sure what I was feeling, but last night I felt mad, and I'm not a person prone to anger. Another Round is so right, it's not about the surrounding things, though they do matter, it's how it's become incredibly unhealthy. It's hard to give up the hope that it could turn into something real, but with so much evidence I guess I finally saw the light Thank you for all your help, it's really appreciated x
AnotherRound Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 That IS hard. It is never easy to walk away from someone we love - never. In fact, it's devastating. I know that when I've had to do it (and yes, I HAD to) I couldn't focus, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat - my whole world was a hot mess because I was forcing myself to give up something that I wanted so badly. I hope that the processing time goes quickly for you - I wish for that fast forward button so much during these times - and I wish you had one right now. So you could fast forward to a more healed place - a place of peace. You don't have to give up hope necessarily - just know that right now is not the right time - and/or he may not be the "right" person. Sometimes that alone is enough to upset our world - realizing that the person we thought was right for us is no longer right for us. That sucks. Hang in there, take care of yourself - find joy where you can. It gets better - and when you free your life of things that aren't working, you make room for things that do work. 1
beenburned Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Elfie, Was his now wife his former OW before he divorced? I would find out why he is divorced from his first wife! (maybe he was a serial cheater who got kicked out) One big red flag for me is: He sure is acting very immature for a man that is old enough to have grandkids! Yuck!! How old are you? 2
Mount Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 For those kind of men, like unwanted dirty glue or mud, always sweet talking to weak women in order to get what he wants. Here is a good idea, as long as you apply, not mean to make yourself bad, but that is the only way to get rid of him, because he wants free meals all the time. Tell him pay you $850 per visit, and you say it not like a joke, and stick with it. (I know you are worthy millions, not only $800) You can make up any execuse why you have such policy, but no make it sound as a joke, I am serious. This way he will back off. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 For those kind of men, like unwanted dirty glue or mud, always sweet talking to weak women in order to get what he wants. Here is a good idea, as long as you apply, not mean to make yourself bad, but that is the only way to get rid of him, because he wants free meals all the time. Tell him pay you $850 per visit, and you say it not like a joke, and stick with it. (I know you are worthy millions, not only $800) You can make up any execuse why you have such policy, but no make it sound as a joke, I am serious. This way he will back off. So you're suggesting that she pretends to be a prostitute? And what happens if he says he wants to take her up on it? Should she actually allow him to pay her $850 in exchange for sex and a home cooked meal? This plan is juvenile and disgusting. 3
Author Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Elfie, Was his now wife his former OW before he divorced? I would find out why he is divorced from his first wife! (maybe he was a serial cheater who got kicked out) One big red flag for me is: He sure is acting very immature for a man that is old enough to have grandkids! Yuck!! How old are you? I can only tell you what he told me - it's unlikely to be the truth: With his first wife he says he was too young. I worked it out that he would be around 24, which to me isn't "too young" (I myself was 26 when I married). He was then "single but not divorced" and he met someone who was also married but "kind of single" and that led to his 2nd marriage. She cheated on him, he said he found them together, even though in another story he said they had split up by then...another time he told me he saw her kissing someone outside their home and he reacted by throwing a glass of drink at her. His son from his first marriage was estranged for years until recently, when the son had an accident, nearly died and they now see each other, but MM told me they were estranged because MM was always working (which sounds a bit of a flimsy excuse for estrangement) His son is around 32 years old. MM has 2 kids from his 2nd marraige, but doesn't see his daughter as "she went to drugs" and he doesn't want anything to do with her (which in my view he NEEDS to be there for her!), she lives in another town with her mum; his other son from his 2nd marriage is also a bit lost, has been on drugs and estranged from HIS son's mother. MM and this son see each other a little bit, but not much. In his current marriage, he said his mate set him up with her on a blind date, and after 2 years, one of HER daughters was getting marraid and he said she insisted on them being married before her daughter got wed, so he gives the impression he was dragged into marriage. He said current wife's father doesn't think he's good enough for his daughter, but MM did take on his current wife's 4 kids from a young age (they'd be around teen age when they got together around 15 years ago. He is there for one of current step kids and her partner, as they live round the corner and he says he is always being orderd around to help and do jobs for them. he tells me sometimes when his current wife is snappy, and can be nasty; neighbours have told me she wears the trousers, and one said she told them "he ony married me for my money". I'm quite fragile looking (people tell me) and girly, quiete, shy even, trust too easily. I am in my early 40's and he's 56, though when I first met him I thought he was around 49/50. Mount - now wouldn't that be a curve ball?! made me smile.
Mount Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 You know I did not mean that, I always said so in previous post. Yes it is a wierd idea, but for disgusting people (the MM across the street) you have to use more disgusting idea to get back to him. The MM already read through Elfie's mind that she is more caring and concerning about emotion, "love"...etc. I am very positive By using this way I bet the MM will swith the gear of his tricks that he used to do, instead of taking advantage of Elfie (free sex), he is not willing to pay the $$ thus back off completely. The only thing is that Elfie has to stay ground. So you're suggesting that she pretends to be a prostitute? And what happens if he says he wants to take her up on it? Should she actually allow him to pay her $850 in exchange for sex and a home cooked meal? This plan is juvenile and disgusting.
beyond Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Wow Elfie, from reading your past posts I thought you were early 20's and MM maybe in his 40's. I think the time for talking/bargaining/weighing up what you should do has long passed. You are a mature woman, who must realise this whole situation is really unhealthy in so many ways. One of my favourite sayings that I've learnt on this forum is...'time to put your big girl pants on' and for you that is what you have to do. Time for YOU to take action, rather that wait and REact to him. Elfie this is not some wonderful love story that has somehow gone a bit wrong, this is a man who from the outset has treated you as no more than a piece of meat that he can click his fingers at and have you do whatever in the back of a van with him - yuk:sick: Step 1. Block his number - if your phone can't do that then change your number - just DO IT. Step 2. One last call to him to tell him if he contacts you again you will tell his wife. ...and MEAN IT. Step 3. I believe you live in the uk? If so, go to your GP and tell them how down you are and ask for counselling (you are entitled to 6 weeks free). You need to work out what it is that makes you put up with such crap and work towards healthier relationships. Step 4. Get out and about. You work from home, but get out, walk, swim, join gym/clubs etc. No way should you feel you have to skulk indoors avoiding the maggot that lives across the road. If you truely stand up to him, he will be the one hiding from you!
Mount Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 :eek: You are in your early 40's...from your described story I thought you were only middle 20-ish, coz you sound so weak. Come on, 40's women KNOW what they want, should be very strong mindsetting and very tough. You can do it, only you can make your life better. I can only tell you what he told me - it's unlikely to be the truth: With his first wife he says he was too young. I worked it out that he would be around 24, which to me isn't "too young" (I myself was 26 when I married). He was then "single but not divorced" and he met someone who was also married but "kind of single" and that led to his 2nd marriage. She cheated on him, he said he found them together, even though in another story he said they had split up by then...another time he told me he saw her kissing someone outside their home and he reacted by throwing a glass of drink at her. His son from his first marriage was estranged for years until recently, when the son had an accident, nearly died and they now see each other, but MM told me they were estranged because MM was always working (which sounds a bit of a flimsy excuse for estrangement) His son is around 32 years old. MM has 2 kids from his 2nd marraige, but doesn't see his daughter as "she went to drugs" and he doesn't want anything to do with her (which in my view he NEEDS to be there for her!), she lives in another town with her mum; his other son from his 2nd marriage is also a bit lost, has been on drugs and estranged from HIS son's mother. MM and this son see each other a little bit, but not much. In his current marriage, he said his mate set him up with her on a blind date, and after 2 years, one of HER daughters was getting marraid and he said she insisted on them being married before her daughter got wed, so he gives the impression he was dragged into marriage. He said current wife's father doesn't think he's good enough for his daughter, but MM did take on his current wife's 4 kids from a young age (they'd be around teen age when they got together around 15 years ago. He is there for one of current step kids and her partner, as they live round the corner and he says he is always being orderd around to help and do jobs for them. he tells me sometimes when his current wife is snappy, and can be nasty; neighbours have told me she wears the trousers, and one said she told them "he ony married me for my money". I'm quite fragile looking (people tell me) and girly, quiete, shy even, trust too easily. I am in my early 40's and he's 56, though when I first met him I thought he was around 49/50. Mount - now wouldn't that be a curve ball?! made me smile.
Mount Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 :eek: Without reading your post first I just submitted almost same content below yours, thinking Elfie being very young and naive. Wow Elfie, from reading your past posts I thought you were early 20's and MM maybe in his 40's. I think the time for talking/bargaining/weighing up what you should do has long passed. You are a mature woman, who must realise this whole situation is really unhealthy in so many ways. One of my favourite sayings that I've learnt on this forum is...'time to put your big girl pants on' and for you that is what you have to do. Time for YOU to take action, rather that wait and REact to him. Elfie this is not some wonderful love story that has somehow gone a bit wrong, this is a man who from the outset has treated you as no more than a piece of meat that he can click his fingers at and have you do whatever in the back of a van with him - yuk:sick: Step 1. Block his number - if your phone can't do that then change your number - just DO IT. Step 2. One last call to him to tell him if he contacts you again you will tell his wife. ...and MEAN IT. Step 3. I believe you live in the uk? If so, go to your GP and tell them how down you are and ask for counselling (you are entitled to 6 weeks free). You need to work out what it is that makes you put up with such crap and work towards healthier relationships. Step 4. Get out and about. You work from home, but get out, walk, swim, join gym/clubs etc. No way should you feel you have to skulk indoors avoiding the maggot that lives across the road. If you truely stand up to him, he will be the one hiding from you!
Author Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 :eek: You are in your early 40's...from your described story I thought you were only middle 20-ish, coz you sound so weak. Come on, 40's women KNOW what they want, should be very strong mindsetting and very tough. You can do it, only you can make your life better. I don't believe a certain age woman should automatically know what they want, or be very strong or tough - I've met teenagers who are that, lol. Sorry I sound "so weak", but I'd to show how strong I am to have got through some of the things I have in my past...see this LS thread I also posted a reply to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/378499-other-woman-common-background-themes Pretty much gone thorugh it all alone, lost everything twice and built it all back. I ain't no weakling, lol, maybe have lately though... 1
Author Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 You know I did not mean that, I always said so in previous post. Yes it is a wierd idea, but for disgusting people (the MM across the street) you have to use more disgusting idea to get back to him. The MM already read through Elfie's mind that she is more caring and concerning about emotion, "love"...etc. I am very positive By using this way I bet the MM will swith the gear of his tricks that he used to do, instead of taking advantage of Elfie (free sex), he is not willing to pay the $$ thus back off completely. The only thing is that Elfie has to stay ground. I thought you were joking when you siggested this so I didn't pay much attention, laughed it off - but I don't think turning to a "disgusting idea" just because MM is, would make me feel better about myself, but neither would I feel good if I DID think it was a good idea to ask for payment...how'd I cope if he paid, or how'd I cope if he didn't - either way it's only going to make me feel disgusting. (Given my first ever thread on here too). Thanks for kind of trying to help, but sorry you're a bit too off the scale!
LFH Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) For those kind of men, like unwanted dirty glue or mud, always sweet talking to weak women in order to get what he wants. Here is a good idea, as long as you apply, not mean to make yourself bad, but that is the only way to get rid of him, because he wants free meals all the time. Tell him pay you $850 per visit, and you say it not like a joke, and stick with it. (I know you are worthy millions, not only $800) You can make up any execuse why you have such policy, but no make it sound as a joke, I am serious. This way he will back off. Not everyone wants to be treated like a prostitute Mount. :eek: You are in your early 40's...from your described story I thought you were only middle 20-ish, coz you sound so weak. Come on, 40's women KNOW what they want, should be very strong mindsetting and very tough. You can do it, only you can make your life better. Do you realize how demeaning and potentially damaging this post and your previous suggestion are? I don't believe a certain age woman should automatically know what they want, or be very strong or tough - I've met teenagers who are that, lol. Sorry I sound "so weak", but I'd to show how strong I am to have got through some of the things I have in my past...see this LS thread I also posted a reply to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/378499-other-woman-common-background-themes Pretty much gone thorugh it all alone, lost everything twice and built it all back. I ain't no weakling, lol, maybe have lately though... Elfie, you aren't weak. You are coping and not everyone could have made it through what you have. Life doesn't always make sense. I think you need a lot of distance from this guy, however you have to get it. He's messing with your head. Block him in any way possible. Can you get away for a couple weeks? Go visit friends/family/anyone elsewhere? Edited March 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Catplates Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hi Elfie, People here keep telling you to block this man and you keep opening your door to him. I have read your back posts so I know where you have been and what you have come through. Why don't you apply some of your strength and coping strategies to yourself now? This man is intimidating you in your own neighbourhood because you keep giving him the time of day. JUST DON'T DO IT! Cat 1
beyond Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 So Elfie....what are you going to do? Once you start taking positive action, it may stop you feeling so helpless and like he gets to call all the shots. I can see you have been through a great deal in your life - you can survive all that, so this piece of pond life should be easy (((hugs)))
Mount Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I am sure my suggestion is not as demeaning (which is totally true at all, it is just a way to get back the disgusting MM) as the MM that had done to Elfie. You are also aware that the guy is trying to mess with her mind, so nothing wrong to mess back to his mind. Not everyone wants to be treated like a prostitute Mount. Do you realize how demeaning and potentially damaging this post and your previous suggestion are? Elfie, you aren't weak. You are coping and not everyone could have made it through what you have. Life doesn't always make sense. I think you need a lot of distance from this guy, however you have to get it. He's messing with your head. Block him in any way possible. Can you get away for a couple weeks? Go visit friends/family/anyone elsewhere?
Survivor12 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 You are also aware that the guy is trying to mess with her mind, so nothing wrong to mess back to his mind. Actually, there is. Playing mind games would only serve to create more unhealthy drama and keep her embroiled in the chaos. 3
LFH Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) I am sure my suggestion is not as demeaning (which is totally true at all, it is just a way to get back the disgusting MM) as the MM that had done to Elfie. You are also aware that the guy is trying to mess with her mind, so nothing wrong to mess back to his mind. Your idea was at least as demeaning as his behavior, and even if it weren't, how is what he's done an excuse for you to be offensive? Edited March 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mount Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 It is your labelling, as I said I don't think it being offensive at all, it is just a very useful idea on the spot to resolve Elfie 's current needs to get rid of MM. Your idea was at least as demeaning as his behavior, and even if it weren't, how is what he's done an excuse for you to be offensive?
Catplates Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I am sure my suggestion is not as demeaning (which is totally true at all, it is just a way to get back the disgusting MM) as the MM that had done to Elfie. You are also aware that the guy is trying to mess with her mind, so nothing wrong to mess back to his mind. It is totally lacking dignity . "Getting back" at this man is not going to achieve anything for Elfie. It would be just playing games with him and encourage him more. 1
beach Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 It is your labelling, as I said I don't think it being offensive at all, it is just a very useful idea on the spot to resolve Elfie 's current needs to get rid of MM. Instead of demeaning tactics to get rid of him - she could just be honest. Easy to tell him - if you call again or try to see me - I'm going to tell your W everything and file a restraining order. TakeYOUR power back! Stop handing it all to him!
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