TT25 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 So i have been casually dating this guy i met online for about a month now. Up until now, he is the one who has been pursuing me, texting me and we have gone on dates twice per week for the last month and he has always asked me out. So he asked me the day before to hangout yesterday and i suggested Friday because Thursday did not work out for me. So we do have plans to hangout today. Anyways, so last night he texted me something and i was busy so it took me an hour to reply his text. After i had replied he texted "daaang! A whole hour. Are you on a date!?" At that point i called him because i thought it was kinda funny and i didn't want to have the conversation via text. Now it seems like we hangout all the time, there is chemistry and we have had several deep and meaningful conversations and our values mesh. But we have not had the monogamy conversation. So as far as i am concerned i assume we both have the option to be casually dating other people until we decide to be exclusive. Anyways, so after i called him, he did not pick up then texted me an hour later and said he had been talking to his mom. I didn't reply then ten minutes later he texted again and said "sorry i missed your call i hope i didn't interrupt your date." At that point i sensed that maybe he was paranoid about me dating other people or trying to find out if i was dating other people in a joking manner. For the record, I have not been dating other people since we met but I feel like until we say we are exclusive then I have the option and so does he. And no, we have not slept together mainly because in my value system, that is something I reserve for a monogamous relationship. Anyways, so i replied "lol. i could say the same for you! Is this your memo that we should not be dating other people now?" to which he replied "have you been seeing other people since we have been dating?" At that point, i thought this was getting to be a more serious conversation and i hate communicating stuff like that via text because you can't infer tone in text messages. so i said "why don't you just call me when you get a moment, i don't communicate very we'll via text" An hour later, this was closer to midnight, he replied and said "I'm sorry i had some friends over. Are you still up?" I replied that i was still up but he never called. Almost an hour after that he texted me again and asked if i was still up. I was still up but i didn't respond to that text because i was annoyed. He then sent another text 15minutes later saying "i am sorry for tonight. Let me know what time works for you for our date tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing you." Now it this point i feel irritated and brushed off by his whole behavior last night. I am vacillating between not going on this date at all today. Am i being unreasonable and overly sensitive? I just feel he should not have brought it up if he didn't wanna talk about it or he should have just told me at the beginning of the night that he was hanging out with his friends and we would catch tomorrow. Especially considering that i don't call him that often. What is an appropriate reaction for a reasonable woman in this situation?
DC4 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Wow, that sounds like a whole lot of juvenile game playing on his part. He is acting like he is trying to punish you for what he views as some sort of transgression-not texting him fast enough. May I ask your ages?
Author TT25 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I know. This is very juvenile! i am 25 and he is 29. Which is was makes me even more irritated because i feel like if he is trying to have that conversation, or if he would be bothered by me dating other people then he should just come right out and say it.
DC4 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 29??? Those are the actions of a 15 year old. Clearly he likes you and but these actions show a lot of jealously and immaturity. If you like him, I'd definitely go out and see if you can have a "what gives" conversation. From your post, you seem like an up front and confident woman. Find out what the hell and definitely post back because now I'm curious as to what he has to say for himself! 2
outsidethebox Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Agreed with DC4. He is a little douchebag prick. A 15 year old would text more mature stuff than that. Half that stuff sounds like he was trying to punish you for taking an hour to text him back. You are in for more of that, even worse as it goes along, if you continue with him. I would tell him you're dating other people too, no questions answered about it, none of his business, you're evaluating others like you're evaluating him, and then go do it. Surely you can find someone nicer and more respectful of you than him at your age. Might be harder if you were 15.
salparadise Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I agree that it sounds pretty juvenile, especially the part where he asked if you're still up and then didn't call. I don't think people should have the expectation that every text message will be answered instantly, but I also think when you're trying to nurture a relationship that the overall rhythm, or lack thereof, may be an indicator of things to come. I have noticed myself, that I get along a lot better with people who are forthcoming, reliable and attentive... and this includes messaging patterns. I dropped a woman a couple of months ago, primarily because I noticed inconsistencies in things she said and decided she was a flake, and she was also inconsistent in replying to texts. That's anecdotal of course, but it was irritating and just helped confirm the other red flags I saw. On the other hand, I'm seeing someone now who seems completely genuine and she is reliable right down to the smallest details. As to whether to cancel the date tonight... you'll have to make that call for yourself of course, but I think it depends on whether or not you feel now is the time to send him a reality check. Realize though, if you're interested in moving the relationship forward this might be a setback, and you don't really know what his reaction might be. My feeling is you should keep the date and have the conversation unless you feel that he is being overtly manipulative a playing games. You really don't know the circumstances until you talk. 1
clia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Eh...I don't know. Some people aren't so suave at having the exclusivity discussion. He obviously seems to like you, and he did apologize for his behavior, so he recognized that he was acting like a tool pretty quickly. If everything is good up until this point, you have nothing to lose by going on the date tonight. I wouldn't be surprised if he brought up exclusivity tonight.
Author TT25 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Thanks for all the advise guys. It was very helpful. I think i will go on the date after all and see how it goes. Another question: is one month too soon to be talking about exclusivity? Clearly he brought it up and i didn't. My plan was to just take things slow and see how things go after two-three months. I have not brought it up at all because based on my past experiences i know guys tend to feel pressured by things like that.
outsidethebox Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 IMO it shouldn't be exclusive until you want it to be. And you should keep options open to talk and date other guys until you only want to see him because he does it for you. Just because he's the only one you've talked to in last three weeks doesn't mean he should be the only one you can talk to.
salparadise Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Thanks for all the advise guys. It was very helpful. I think i will go on the date after all and see how it goes. Another question: is one month too soon to be talking about exclusivity? Clearly he brought it up and i didn't. My plan was to just take things slow and see how things go after two-three months. I have not brought it up at all because based on my past experiences i know guys tend to feel pressured by things like that. I don't necessarily think it's too soon, but whether or not the time is right for the two of you is really the question. I suggest you go on the date and let him be the one to bring it up. He seems to be the one wanting to know what's going on and may be generating his own pressure in that he doesn't want you to be dating others. I say just play it cool and see how it goes, let him do the talking tonight and if he asks, and if you're ready, then you've got yourself an official boyfriend.
Author TT25 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 it worked out ya'll. so we went on our date yesterday and we are now official! 2
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