lavenderlove Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 It has been over a week since we said the words, he goes one way I go the other. That day and the next and the one after that I felt so deeply hurt, full of pain of having lost him and fear of how I am going to stand on my own. Both financially, and emotionally. What has actually happened to me was very surprising to me. 0. I discovered this site, and took an active part in it since, which is so new to me, I never ever posted staff on forums. 1. I realised that to some extent I have been lying to myself, and it is not only his fault that we broke up, initially because he didn't want to marry me after 8 years. I looked very deep inside me, and uncovered moments during those years when I felt, that this relationship is not IT, I don't feel what I should, and frankly I was a coward to end it. I uncovered moments of amazing happiness and love also, but you can only put the = on the end of the equation, once it is really the end, you know there won't be anything else added or taken. So now I know he wasn't the "one". And the lesson is, that no matter how absurd, and unsettling it is at the time, those inklings that make you question your whole life should be always taken seriously. 2. I got my act together and entered a national competition with my creative work on day 4. That was very very hard, and I have done it. 3. With my new job/job, I got extra hours because my boss is happy, and because someone left, Sheer luck. 4. I found a place to live- with a lovely person I met recently. 5. I realised I fit into my old jeans because I lost so much weight due to having no appetite and feeling miserable. 6. I enjoyed working on my creative staff so much on day 6, I haven't done so for years. 7. I discovered an absolutely amazing love poem. 8.I managed to drag myself to gym two times, when I woke up in the morning and felt like crying my heart out. 9. I went dancing with a friend, got tipsy and felt awesome being single. (my ex is a super jealous type, we could never go out, and I could never just dance like that freely) 10. Friends I haven't heard of for ages messaged me out of the blue, without knowing what happened. And I have been speaking with my family nearly every day. 11. And I purchased the first item of clothing post breakup, a T-shirt that is organic, fair trade and carbon neutral, fits very nicely and is the kind of thing I always wanted, but settled for the nasty more fashionable counterpart. Not today. And this brings me to day 8. I know a lot of you will now think I didn't really love him, because how could I be so happy right now.....it beats me too.
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Nope I don't doubt for a second that you loved him! You are just looking at things from the most logical, intelligent view point! Inspirational! hope you continue to heal and each day gets even better
Author lavenderlove Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Hi Dreamer, Well, thanks for thinking so, I do feel tired though. So much has happened to me, and I feel like I have to just do do do. The thing is, whenever I had some major problem I had to deal with, I went really deep inside to poke those monsters, and release myself and learn whatever had to be learnt. I guess the difference now is, that my actions, and my x's actions don't leave me any unanswered questions. So there is no point thinking about it, and I did try everything while I was with him to make him, and myself happy, and nothing worked. So there is no 'what if's either. So this approach is very new to me. And I feel like I love living again, no matter how much it hurts. An other thing, I went to yoga. I never did a class before, even though I studied and practised yoga from books for years. Now I feel light headed and sleepy, and kind of soft. Maybe I will be able to take some rest from the doing too.
Author lavenderlove Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 It is a Hungarian one by the poet called József Attila and there is part that I can KIND OF translate into english....note, hungarian is one of the most ancient languages, so the translation is very hard and may come off a bit flat. ...I love you like the silent caves love their depth like the dance halls love their light like the soul loves fire, and the body loves rest I love you the way mortals love to live until they die Every gesture and smile of yours I hold like the ground holds objects that fall down upon it into my mind as acids mark metal I have carved you in with my instincts, you beautiful lovely creature your presence there fills every meaning. A professional translation can be found here ATTILA JZSEF: POEMS I hope it touches you the way it touched me.
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