irc333 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 The one thing I find most frustatrating at times....is when I feel I have A LOT in common with a woman, esp. when we have the SAME oddball sense of humor, even of the most obscure variety. Same values and pretty much everything else....I get DEEPLY attracted. It's like chemistry is happening, but it's only one-sided. I usually found it odd how women just LOVE a man with a sense of humor and believe me, I had made some women laugh pretty hard at time, but only they wouldn't date me. "You're so hilarious, IRC....what? You wanna date me? Ummmmmm...." Then there goes that. Can anyone explain this?
soccerrprp Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 The one thing I find most frustatrating at times....is when I feel I have A LOT in common with a woman, esp. when we have the SAME oddball sense of humor, even of the most obscure variety. Same values and pretty much everything else....I get DEEPLY attracted. It's like chemistry is happening, but it's only one-sided. I usually found it odd how women just LOVE a man with a sense of humor and believe me, I had made some women laugh pretty hard at time, but only they wouldn't date me. "You're so hilarious, IRC....what? You wanna date me? Ummmmmm...." Then there goes that. Can anyone explain this? Hey, people are WAY more complicated than the attributes they state that are desirable in a mate. Much more... Chemistry is much more than a list of wants/needs. It's also very (I think more than stated wants and needs) much the "feelings" you have, the emotional quotients that defies logic and reason. When people say "chemistry" they mean all of the inexplicable feelings AND obvious characteristics that come into play. Having a lot in common IS NOT ENOUGH. The other thing is the obvious physical attraction. As much as people would like to claim that they are "more" interested in one's character, personality or that looks matter less, the truth is that IT DOES MATTER. A LOT. 2
xxoo Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You can have a lot in common with someone who feels like a brother. Are you treating them like a sister?
CudLRoo Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Loving the spam post at #2 - sage advice there, lad! 1
Mr_Flay Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Compatibility doesn't equal attraction. There's some correlation between the two, but you get so many opposite examples that you can't form any rule from it. 2
lakerman34 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I'm actually quite interested in this topic as well. I just had a girl essentially tell me she didn't want a relationship with me and that we were "incompatible." We have the same weird interests, same sense of humor, same beliefs, the same idea of "the perfect relationship," go as well together as white on rice, she claims to want a relationship, we've hooked up, I flirt with her, she (used to) reciprocate, yet, in her mind, we are incompatible. Clearly I'm missing something here. Now I am subscribed to this thread for educational purposes.
normal person Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Attraction isn't very rational. You can create a list of supposed qualities you want in a partner. Even if they have all of them, at the end of the day if you aren't attracted to them, no amount of rationalization or "things in common" will make you become so or vice versa. It's an indomitable emotion and there's no logical way around it. That's probably why you see so many threads where people complain that others say they want X but end up dating Y. 1
dasein Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 At some point in determining all that commonality, as opposed to approaching things from a more blunt, but measured, perspective of sexual commonality and seduction, she decided you were a tryhard and so sexually uninteresting. Based on all the misinformation men are fed about women and what they want, that's unfair, but it's just another given reality one must discover and work with. There's nothing wrong with getting to know about all facets of someone, but when seeking success with women, we must always keep the sexual aspect in the forefront, and measure our success by how sexually receptive they are, not whether they laugh at our jokes. Whenever you hear a woman say, "I like men who make me laugh, I like men with integrity, I like men who are kind," insert "who I want to f-ck" on the back end, because it's always implied in the equation, and the "who I want to f-ck" part is independent of all or almost all of the other factors they mention. Men have been lectured, scolded, screamed at for several decades now that we need to get a grip on and subdue our powerful male sexuality, but almost all of that is politics and cultural manipulation. Then when we take it as sincerity, and try to comply, they turn around and write songs lamenting, "where have all the cowboys gone?" Don't comply. Never be ashamed of expressing your natural male sexuality in acceptable ways. Any harsh or petulant reaction to that is mostly gender politics and manipulation also, to be ignored as noise. In essence it's achieving a balance between "what you want" and "socially acceptable ways of achieving it." Notice, what "they" want is nowhere in that equation. Leave that up to them, as they are perfectly capable of figuring that out on their own. You aren't their protector, you are your protector. They want us more as a function of our being clear about what we want, and the surest expression of that is sexual. 3
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 The one thing I find most frustatrating at times....is when I feel I have A LOT in common with a woman, esp. when we have the SAME oddball sense of humor, even of the most obscure variety. Same values and pretty much everything else....I get DEEPLY attracted. It's like chemistry is happening, but it's only one-sided. I usually found it odd how women just LOVE a man with a sense of humor and believe me, I had made some women laugh pretty hard at time, but only they wouldn't date me. "You're so hilarious, IRC....what? You wanna date me? Ummmmmm...." Then there goes that. Can anyone explain this? Looks. People say emotional attraction, but if the looks were there, they wouldn't need that. So looks.
grkBoy Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 We can try to rationalize or explain this, or assume it's just a woman saying she wants the good kind loyal family man (but neglecting to mention he must be tall, athletic, good looking, fun, and rich)... ...or we just accept that attraction, no matter how much dating sites try to change this, is merely about "how one feels" with the other person. It isn't about shared interests, comparable incomes, who made who laugh, etc. It unfortunately comes down to whether or not both sides feel warm and wet in the crotch area and if their hearts beat faster when they see one another. Regrettably, many times it'll be one person feeling that way...and gaining those feelings easily because he/she isn't the person who normally gets the boyfriend or girlfriend easily. The other person might be the one with plenty of options or some emotional barrier that keeps them from feeling something. Thus we end up with this situation. This is also a big reason why I tell guys and even women to reject the friendzone and walk. I know we see bloggers and others proclaim it's foolish to see the friendzone as a "punishment", but I more see it as standing your ground. If this man or woman wants the pleasures of your mind, heart, and company...then they should also be prepared to partake in the pleasures of your flesh, love, etc. Too many men and women friendzone people that might be ideal for them (even in the back of their minds they know this person is ideal) because they didn't feel the heat and "flutter". No sparks or chemistry in their minds...regardless of how many obstacles they put up to prevent any feelings from happening in the first place. It's why many men chase shallow b!tches and complain how there's no good women, or why many women chase jerks and complain the same...but they both pass up what society deems as the "good people". Loads of them simply are more scared of real love, so they dive into many bad RLs that seem familiar. Yet they treat their friendzoned people as the emotional/intellectual part of a RL they so desperately want...while someone else gets the other benefits (sex, intimacy, status, etc) ANYWAY, we could scientifically examine this all day. This is why though I tell men and women to only do "just friends" if they 100% write off this person as a potential SO...even if he/she suddenly "comes around". Move on, date other people, it's their loss. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 ...or we just accept that attraction, no matter how much dating sites try to change this, is merely about "how one feels" with the other person. It isn't about shared interests, comparable incomes, who made who laugh, etc. It unfortunately comes down to whether or not both sides feel warm and wet in the crotch area and if their hearts beat faster when they see one another. Big disagree. That is exactly what I look for. Logical compatibility.
Dangraystyle Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 You need to dedicate a part of your life to make you look as aesthetic as possible. Then this would no longer be a problem 1
PJKino Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 ... The other thing is the obvious physical attraction. As much as people would like to claim that they are "more" interested in one's character, personality or that looks matter less, the truth is that IT DOES MATTER. A LOT. You could have just written this..if they had a lot in comon he made her laugh and she was physically attracted hed have a date
normal person Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Big disagree. That is exactly what I look for. Logical compatibility. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but maybe looking for logical compatibility in something that's inherently illogical is why you're having problems. Attraction is not logical. It's a chemical reaction in the brain you can't control. You can't rationalize your way into a relationship. It's like saying: "Look, I know you don't have any physical desire to be with me... but we both play in an ironic kickball league and listen to Mumford and Sons. Therefore, we're a good match and should date." 'Not gonna happen. Someone's either attracted to you or they're not. Shared interests are usually supplementary to attraction that's already there. That's why people dress nice and do their hair rather than tape a list of their interests to their shirt for everyone to read. Edited March 8, 2013 by normal person 5
Author irc333 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Then how come my DRIVING force of my OWN attraction to these women, is based on compatiblity and how well we get along? I have ALWAYS developed genuine feelings for women where I felt we were compatible....even though it may seem "sisterly" to those on LS?? I have never developed an attachment to a woman ANY other way. I'm actually quite interested in this topic as well. I just had a girl essentially tell me she didn't want a relationship with me and that we were "incompatible." We have the same weird interests, same sense of humor, same beliefs, the same idea of "the perfect relationship," go as well together as white on rice, she claims to want a relationship, we've hooked up, I flirt with her, she (used to) reciprocate, yet, in her mind, we are incompatible. Clearly I'm missing something here. Now I am subscribed to this thread for educational purposes.
Author irc333 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Attraction isn't very rational. You can create a list of supposed qualities you want in a partner. Even if they have all of them, at the end of the day if you aren't attracted to them, no amount of rationalization or "things in common" will make you become so or vice versa. It's an indomitable emotion and there's no logical way around it. That's probably why you see so many threads where people complain that others say they want X but end up dating Y. What's sad is ALL your friends and family think you 2 SHOULD be together, even YOU do....EVERYONE but her though, unfortunately..
Kamille Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 "You're so hilarious, IRC....what? You wanna date me? Ummmmmm...." What about them. Do they crack you up?
Author irc333 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 because he/she isn't the person who normally gets the boyfriend or girlfriend easily. I often wonder if these kind of people...tend to fall harder for the person than the one who has so many options? They also tend to be less superficial/shallow because they realize their physical limitations as well. They also tend to gravitate, physically to the ones that are equal to them in physical appearance.
xxoo Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Then how come my DRIVING force of my OWN attraction to these women, is based on compatiblity and how well we get along? I have ALWAYS developed genuine feelings for women where I felt we were compatible....even though it may seem "sisterly" to those on LS?? I have never developed an attachment to a woman ANY other way. Attachment and attraction are different. Attraction + compatibility will create attachment. Were you not attracted to these women initially?
Author irc333 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 I had meant to add...I'm thinking that's why dating relationships have been short lived or divorces are on the rise....people aren't taking the path of the reasonable/logical, and just going on feeling or a whim....but as soon as it passes....there it goes, out the window....and the "I feel we've grown apart" happens.
xxoo Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I had meant to add...I'm thinking that's why dating relationships have been short lived or divorces are on the rise....people aren't taking the path of the reasonable/logical, and just going on feeling or a whim....but as soon as it passes....there it goes, out the window....and the "I feel we've grown apart" happens. Attraction is not logical. And marriages with no attraction are not logical or reasonable, regardless. Divorce has risen because availability has risen, not because marriages have gotten worse. 1
somedude81 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Ah it doesn't matter how much you think you have in common or how compatible you are. All that matters is how compatible she thinks you are. Then it's absolutely funny when she ends up with a man that has absolutely nothing in common with her. 1
JourneyLady Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 My current ex-boyfriend was NOT my type when I met him (OLD). But we ended up having enough in common to talk about for six hours the first time we met... and then he wanted to look at my palm and very gently took my hand in his and traced the lines... Suddenly, he was my type. I had to see one other person on "the list", but quite honestly, anyone I met would have had to have been off the scale to interest me at that point. When I first saw him, I didn't think there'd be anything there to interest me. Nope, definitely got to have chemistry. Because the sizzle is what gets you through the difficulties. Unfortunately in this case there were just too many difficulties. But that's why NC - knowing the chemistry would still be there, until I'm fully bonded to someone else. He'd take advantage of that, and I am certain of it. So my vote is for enough in common AND chemistry - that undefinable attraction.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 The one thing I find most frustatrating at times....is when I feel I have A LOT in common with a woman, esp. when we have the SAME oddball sense of humor, even of the most obscure variety. Same values and pretty much everything else....I get DEEPLY attracted. It's like chemistry is happening, but it's only one-sided. I usually found it odd how women just LOVE a man with a sense of humor and believe me, I had made some women laugh pretty hard at time, but only they wouldn't date me. "You're so hilarious, IRC....what? You wanna date me? Ummmmmm...." Then there goes that. Can anyone explain this? This is actually really simple. You didn't make a move, didn't get her panties wet. This thread is a perfect example of how people over-analyze things that are actually VERY simple.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I'm actually quite interested in this topic as well. I just had a girl essentially tell me she didn't want a relationship with me and that we were "incompatible." We have the same weird interests, same sense of humor, same beliefs, the same idea of "the perfect relationship," go as well together as white on rice, she claims to want a relationship, we've hooked up, I flirt with her, she (used to) reciprocate, yet, in her mind, we are incompatible. Clearly I'm missing something here. Now I am subscribed to this thread for educational purposes. You did something that REALLY turned her off somewhere along the line. You didn't detail it nearly enough here so there's no way random internet people could possibly know what that is. Women tend to have very similar triggers and very similar turn-offs (people are people, after all).
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