9Lives Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Dont talk to him. That will hurt him. He is too comfortable. He is not worried about losing you. He needs to understand how valuable you are too. Do it!
Author Quilly Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 I don't want to feel like this anymore... but I just can't imagine my life without MM in it. I think I'm scared that if I stop all contact with him that he won't be affected by it because he's emotionally stronger than I am and has a nice, conflict-free life to distract him... and then I'll just be even more miserable without him, knowing with even more certainty that I didn't mean as much to him as he does to me. I think it's also about holding on to hope... as long as I cling to him and play by his rules, I can still hold on to a thread of hope that he might someday be with me. I'm also realizing that I may have some dependency issues with men. I've always gone from one relationship right into another. There has been very little time in my life that I've been alone. It's like I've always needed to have a man in my life or I've felt lost. Oh, lucky me! I have more issues that I can work on! This self-improvement stuff is really so much fun! (Well... at least I still have my sense of humor to fall back on when I want to hide from my emotions.) I'm sure all of you are tired of telling me what we all agree is the right thing to do... I really do appreciate hearing it. Unfortunately, I just can't seem to make myself let go yet and stop all contact with MM. Love is truly is blind... and in my case deaf and dumb too!
sinner Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 You make some fine points, Quilly. First, in asymmetric affairs (eg, a MM and single woman) , the MM has a support system in place when matters start to go down hill: namely, the wife. The wife functions as relationship insurance, a safety net if you will, when the affair burns out or heads South. The OW, on the other hand, usually lacks a comparable default companion. She is at a tremendous emotional disadvantage as compared to her MM. The OW has placed all her eggs in the MM's basket, the MM has not done so with his OW. The rich irony is that the OW is not only more dependent, vulnerable and needy because of the affair's geometry, but by acting as her MM's romantic/erotic safety valve, she actually makes it easier for him to coast in a sub-optimum marriage. The MM makes out like a bandit in these asymmetric affairs. His OW helps him cope and continue in a bad marriage. Next, I've also noticed a tremendous chasm on LS between the Co-Dependents (ie, people in deep, addictive relationships) and the Independents (ie, people who are not in such quicksand relationships). The Dependents are often the unmarried OW on these Boards. The Independents provide great textual counsel for their Co-Dependent brethren, but words are not enough. All the word wisdom in all the message boards in all the world will not liberate a Dependent from a hard running addictive relationship. Usually, the relationship must play itself out. We mammals form neuro-physiological attachments and love is sometimes psychotic, or at least irrational and therefore text-proof. There are limits to advice.
Author Quilly Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Gee Sinner... are you saying I'm a lost cause? No need to beat around the bush... you can give it to me straight!
brandx Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by Quilly Gee Sinner... are you saying I'm a lost cause? No need to beat around the bush... you can give it to me straight! LOL, very nice Quilly. Never a lost cause. How about a work in progress. Even a masterpiece takes time and hard work to complete. We are all masterpieces in our own right, being worked on from inside and out. You are no exception
sinner Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 You're not a lost cause, Quilly. You're human. You will weather this. You appear to have the psychological grit and resources to deal. I was speaking, not just about you, but of the many of us who have entered, and continued, imprudent or even harmful relationships, all-the-while knowing that the relationship was hazardous to ourself or others, yet were powerless, at least in the early stages, to exit. I call this "relationship paralysis." The best message board advice in the world, no matter how "virtuous," is usually powerless to dispel this person-addiction. In fact, reliance on a message board may be harmful by steering the relationship addict away from much more effective one-on-one therapy/counseling. Message boards dispense opinions; clinical therapy dispenses effective treatment (assuming one's therapist is competent). (I want to thank my good friend, meanon, for reminding me of this distinction.). Sometimes you get what you pay for. Once the wrong lover gets our brain juices/pleasure hormones flowing, the emotional, neuro-chemical attachment is next-to-impossible to break especially early in the lust/attachment phase. We are, at least for a time, struck dumb by love. I have every reason to believe that, over time, you'll break the spell.
Author Quilly Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Sinner and Brand X, Thank you for the posts... I have to tell you, there's nothing like a little charm and flattery from an intelligent and sensitive man to make a girl start to forget all about "what's his name"... you might be on to something here.
Cis Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Great Idea Quilly - enter a credit card number and Sinner and Brand X will help you forget about your bad, bad lover!
Author Quilly Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 And their rates are cheaper than those 900 numbers!
cateinaus Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Ok, well I haven't read everyone else's replies-too long. But what I would like to know is......you respect this guy???? For what???? He has ended it with you, at a very convenient time may I add, just when you leave your husband and might start asking him to actually come clean and commit to a life with you. Make some decisions my friend and STICK with them. Of course the decision I would like you to make is not to see this guy anymore. What's in it for you, where is it going to get you? Do you feel you deserve second best. Don't fool yourself about his marriage, he wouldn't be hanging in there if it wasn't paying off for him. You honestly will gain strength from not seeing him. Yes it may hurt and yes it may take a while. Take control of your own life for your sake and your kids!
Author Quilly Posted September 13, 2004 Author Posted September 13, 2004 I do respect him a great deal and always will... yes, I hate that he's breaking it off with me, but at least he cares enough not to use me by making empty promises about leaving his wife when he knows he won't. Plus I truly do value our friendship and I don't want to just throw that away. Ending all contact with him may make me a stronger person in my ability to internally cope and get past the pain, but working it through with him may also make me a stronger person in my ability to communicate and process through difficult issues. Which strength is going to benefit me more in future relationships? Probably both, but I'm hoping the the latter will eliminate the need for the first. It may not make sense... but I know if it doesn't work, I can always stop having contact with him.
Tracy Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Hey Quilly.....read Sinner's posts carefully. There is SO MUCH truth in that. And, you have to look kinda deep, but one of these days what he wrote will really make sense. I am definitely the typical "dependent". Just like Sinner said, I wasn't able to break it off with OM because I was struck dumb by love, and my emotional "deficiences" weakened me. Remember, I was married at the time also. In the end, I wasn't able to do what I knew was right, things just had to run their course. I guess I was a "lost cause" in a sense. Now that I've reached the point that things have run their course, I can look back and see things more clearly. And, if put in a similar situation again, I am equipped to make different, more firm decisions. I wasn't able to do that before. So....be careful about telling yourself you're a lost cause, and because you're a dependent, you can't control things. If you try, regardless of your depency/co-dependency.....you CAN change your behaviors. Really, you should think about counseling, as Sinner said. The "advice" here is great, but it's more of just a sound-board. You would be more likely to put a counselor's advice into action. Do you have insurance at your work that would help?
Author Quilly Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 Actually, I did see a therapist just prior to separating from my husband and didn't find it particularly helpful. I had already processed through the issues. I basically went to the therapist to see if there was something I was overlooking. I guess I feel pretty confident in my own abilities. This forum just helps me to organize my thoughts and process through my feelings, particularly with issues related to MM as I haven't told anyone about the relationship. I know that I can get through the loss of MM, I'm just not ready to yet. It took me two years to fall this in love with him... it stands to reason that it will take me more than a week to stop loving him.
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