promises Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 There is a huge part of me that wants to tell the BS everything. I will never do this. In fact I'll never speak to her. Yet, there is a part of me that has a great deal of hurt and anger at the lies he told me. I'm sure that some of this is a jealousy thing. He didn't live up to promises with me, and he ran back to her and threw me and his mistake of love for me under the bus. I wish sometimes though that I could tell her. Maybe it's just in my mind, but, I wish I could tell her all of the things he said, all of the moments we had, all of the times he still has reached out to me all the while she thinks she is now his queen. I'm venting, I realize, but, I am the secret. I'm his little secret and I have never lived that way, as a secret. No part of my life has ever been held down and under cover. It is absolutely the wrong thing to do, tell her, but, I do wish that I could at times. 2
eleanorrigby Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 One of the best ways to get back at the WS is to hurt the BS. I can understand that feeling.
stevie_23 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I can understand this too, in your case. I never wanted to hurt or get back at my ex-MM, and his wife already knew about us a billion times over anyway, so there'd be no point but for you, I get it. Also, in a way, having the urge to show her everything, exactly what he said, how REAL it seemed, how he really seemed to feel...for me, it'd be almost as if I was trying to say "Look...how can he TRULY love you if he REALLY felt this way for ME? How can he love EITHER of us for him to do this? THIS is the man we were both with and you are STILL with. Do you KNOW that? Wasn't what we had REAL at ALL?" 1
Author promises Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I've never been a vengeful person. But, this certainly has its moments. 1
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Promises..........the "reasons" you want to tell her are all self serving and angry. You want to hand her a shyte sandwich and say....... eat it now... damn it. It's all about you and your anger. I think every woman ought to have the truth, but that hasn't nothing to do with why you are thinking about it. Maybe someday........you'll feel differently. 4
Lillyfree Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 i've thought of it too. a couple of times. partly because i was angry, because i know i wasn't first or the last. mostly because i feel really sorry for her. he told me things about himself, and i have since found out more. things she wouldn't approve of and therefore doesn't know. a side to him she's not aware of. also, he has no respect for her. she wants to have kids. she's younger than us, but still at an age where she shouldn't leave it for much longer. so to her he's it - and he's not the basket i would want to put all my eggs in.... but at the end of the day, i'll just keep quiet and hope that she finds out for herself. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 It's actually the right thing to do on almost every level. But I would certainly advise doing it out of another motivation than revenge or it will have more negative consequences than are necessary. Time may very well change your perspective. 4
Furious Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) It's actually the right thing to do on almost every level. But I would certainly advise doing it out of another motivation than revenge or it will have more negative consequences than are necessary. Time may very well change your perspective. I agree if you were to tell the spouse in a kind and thoughtful manner, you may be surprised that you both will empathize with each other. I kind of wish you two could get together and kick that lying man's ass. Edited March 8, 2013 by Furious 5
Catplates Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Give it at least 6 months so that you can distance yourself from the situation emotionally. THEN reflect on your true motives. If you still feel you want to enlighten her, perhaps you should. Don't do out of jealousy or to seek revenge. After all it was not the wife who hurt you . Always remember that Karma is out there in the universe. Cat. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I agree, if you tell her do it because you feel remorseful and are ready to apologize to her for your part in the A, own it all, and answer her questions etc.. To tell to make her feel bad on purpose out of revenge to hurt him just isn't a nice thing to do and I think if you tell in the frame of mind you're in and the intention of it all, you'll deeply regret it..And regret hurting her in a cruel way to get back at him. 4
Pierre Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 There is a huge part of me that wants to tell the BS everything. I will never do this. In fact I'll never speak to her. Yet, there is a part of me that has a great deal of hurt and anger at the lies he told me. I'm sure that some of this is a jealousy thing. He didn't live up to promises with me, and he ran back to her and threw me and his mistake of love for me under the bus. I wish sometimes though that I could tell her. Maybe it's just in my mind, but, I wish I could tell her all of the things he said, all of the moments we had, all of the times he still has reached out to me all the while she thinks she is now his queen. I'm venting, I realize, but, I am the secret. I'm his little secret and I have never lived that way, as a secret. No part of my life has ever been held down and under cover. It is absolutely the wrong thing to do, tell her, but, I do wish that I could at times. Don't do it. She will think you are a crazy scorned woman. Just walk away as you are doing. You will be better off in the long run.
neveragain34 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Tell her because she deserves to know, not out of vengance. 3
Author promises Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Why wish you could? What's stopping you? It's absolutely wrong thing to do. Why? You will never tell her. Why continue to think about it then? She's ill. That's what is stopping me. I think about it because he continues to contact me.
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Since she is ill, don't tell. No point in ruining her life as being positive and focused on getting well right now is more than likely her first concern.
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She's ill. That's what is stopping me. I think about it because he continues to contact me. I'm glad that is what is stopping you. He and yourself is who you are really angry at promises, you are transferring some of that anger toward her. It's common, but not fair, as she isn't the one you should be angry at. What are you doing to stop him from contacting you? 2
Author promises Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I'm glad that is what is stopping you. He and yourself is who you are really angry at promises, you are transferring some of that anger toward her. It's common, but not fair, as she isn't the one you should be angry at. What are you doing to stop him from contacting you? I'm actually no longer mad at myself. I don't believe in hanging on to shame. She's in denial but, that is her issue. He is never going to change.
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I'm actually no longer mad at myself. I don't believe in hanging on to shame. Shame can serve a purpose, motivate us, but no it's not good to hang on to it on and on. Being mad and shame are two different things promises. You are mad, I think it would help you to acknowledge it and deal with it. Hell.........it's OK to be mad. She's in denial but, that is her issue. He is never going to change. Yes it is her problem......and he is her problem. Be thankful he isn't your problem and maybe be sad he is hers. Why didn't you answer what you are doing to keep him from contacting you? promises.......my heart goes out to you, but I worry about you. Some aspects of it, you seem to be stuck in denial about. I know.........we deal at our pace. I wish you healing and peace. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Don't do it. She will think you are a crazy scorned woman. Just walk away as you are doing. You will be better off in the long run. Promises has letters that show otherwise.
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Stuck in denial about what? Your anger at the wrong person. It seeps out in so many of your posts. Again.......you didn't answer what you are doing to stop him contacting you? Why are you ignoring that question? Look........you don't owe me anything promises and you certainly don't have to answer, but leaving avenues open that he can contact you with is hurting you. I promise, I'm not picking on you. I sincerely want to help and no, that doesn't mean that everything I say is the gospel, it's not but I want what you want for yourself, to heal and move away from this crap. 3
HappyAtLast Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Just an observation, but I have observed that many married men tell their affair partners that their wives are ill (mentally or physically). Are you sure this is the case?
Author promises Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Just an observation, but I have observed that many married men tell their affair partners that their wives are ill (mentally or physically). Are you sure this is the case? I am certain of it.
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I'm actually no longer mad at myself. I don't believe in hanging on to shame. She's in denial but, that is her issue. He is never going to change. yes it is her issue and fact is, she's sick and probably can't deal with him, so she is just going to do what is best for herself under the circumstances. Just wish you put it out of your head and try to get past the anger of it all. You need to get back to ignoring him, thoughts and all, anything that has to do with either of them, just stop analyzing, wondering etc..etc.. It's wasted energy on your part. Focus on your own life, friends, family.. 5
Lostinlife4now Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I'm actually no longer mad at myself. I don't believe in hanging on to shame. She's in denial but, that is her issue. He is never going to change. Promises...thanks for starting this thread and being so honest! I want to tell BS for the WRONG reasons. (I never will). Was with xMM for a long time...and we did things and shared so much together that I can't even begin to remember everything. I gave him what his W could not! He has this I am better than everyone persona...(the kind you want to smack him right across the mouth)..his job is perfect...climbing the corporate ladder, his children are perfect...his family is perfect....and yet he was with me for 7 years, (I kicked him to the curb.) I just want to wipe that smug look off his face. It actually sickens me that he walks around like "He's the Man". As far as BW...no, I don't want to hurt her AT ALL. I want to HURT him. She does however deserve to know the truth. He always said that she would divorce him and take his kids away from him, and half his money, and his boy scout image. HAHAHAHAHA...In my eyes, he is a joke... I do PRAY everyday to get pass this. He had his fun and thrills, now it's back to the "perfect family life"! Thanks for letting me vent ladies!!! Love you all.....
ComingInHot Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Lost, "He has this I am better than everyone persona...(the kind you want to smack him right across the mouth)..his job is perfect...climbing the corporate ladder, his children are perfect...his family is perfect....and yet he was with me for 7 years, (I kicked him to the curb.) I just want to wipe that smug look off his face. It actually sickens me that he walks around like "He's the Man". As far as BW...no, I don't want to hurt her AT ALL. I want to HURT him. She does however deserve to know the truth. He always said that she would divorce him and take his kids away from him, and half his money, and his boy scout image. HAHAHAHAHA...In my eyes, he is a joke... I do PRAY everyday to get pass this. He had his fun and thrills, now it's back to the "perfect family life"! Thanks for letting me vent ladies!!!" All I need is an address. I would be happy to have you watch in the background while I kicked him in the shin then turned and walked away It sounds like he'd be absolutely mortified if some strange woman came up to him during a business lunch and did that, LOL I am sorry he is such a deuche. 1
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