GF with obesity problems

[Emilia]

Take a bunch of candid pictures of her, print them out and hang them all over the place, especially her laptop and fridge.

 

A great idea amaysngrace, wish I had thought of this myself

[amaysngrace]

Take pictures of her and hang them side by side with pictures from a Victorias Secret catalog. Just chop off the heads because you wouldn't want to hurt her self esteem.

[Madman81]

I agree with the others -- you can't change her. And harping on it with her will simply entrench her current behaviour.

 

I think you need to serve as an example. Make sure you get exercise, daily if possible. Make sure that she knows you're doing it. Perhaps sign up for a 10K or some kind of fitness event that requires training. When you come home from a workout session, try not to be too positive about how easy the workout was. Your message should be "it was tough... but I got through it. And I feel really good having done it." Period. You're trying to convey that what you're doing is difficult, but doable. Because she'll certainly find it difficult when she decides to start trying. But she needs to know that it's doable.

 

Secondly, who does the grocery shopping? If it's you, don't buy frozen pizza, chips, soda, etc. Only buy stuff that's healthy, or that requires actual effort to prepare (i.e. more than just microwaving). If she wants a bunch of junk food, she'll actually have to get up and go to the store for it herself. If you two order in food, or go out to dinner, let her eat what she wants, but choose healthy options for yourself.

 

The overall message here is "be an example". Don't guilt her, and don't let her guilt you because you want to exercise or because you don't indulge with her. Your body, your life, your choices.

 

I can't promise this will change things, but it'll keep you healthy and happy with yourself, and may just help her as well.

[velvetunderground]

The word "codependent" jumped to my mind as well.

[whichwayisup]

Google cognitive behaviour therapy. This isn't sitting/laying down on a couch and talking to a shrink (she probably is scared that's what it is and also scared to face her issues) this type of therapy CAN get her started and feeling better about herself. She is very depressed and is caught in a vicious circle, has no motivation to change her ways..She is so used to things, as much as she's unhappy, it's easier to deal with what you know and are comfortable with than face the unknown and work hard to deal with emotions/changes etc.. She HAS to get up and do something. Otherwise she is going to have bad health issues that will last a long time and eventually kill her.

 

Tell her you love her and want to do help, talk to her family and ask them to help as well. If she refuses, then there isn't much you can do except either accept that she won't change unless she has to (lands in the hospital, major health scare) or walk away. She needs to seek counseling asap, and have a full physical from her family Dr too.

[wild wolf]

How much weight does your gf need to lose to be within a healthy body mass index (BMI)?

 

She needs to get rid of the fatty pizza, full of more sodium than one needs in a few days, which aids in retaining water. Throw out the processed sugary products, it just turns into fat as the body cannot process that much. The process will be hard and at times seem impossible but here life depends on it. Convince her to go to a Dr. for a physical as diabetes can be a real consequence of her eating and lack of exercise.

 

Try and make a goal or reward (since she is acting like a child). If you lose X amount of pounds, we'll do this... Do you live together? If so, start cooking for her and keep snacks in the fridge like fruit and veggies. No junk in the house and she has no choice but to eat the good stuff. Go on nightly walks after dinner, even 10 minutes starts the process.

 

If she continues to refuse think hard about what you want out of life. You may love her but do you want to deal with her like this forever? Impacting what you can do as she sees content to live in bed. I would walk if my bf had no respect for himself and his health. Its gross and lazy.

 

Best of luck.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hey Robert,

 

I'm not exactly with everyone else on this one. Sometimes when people NEED your help, it really is ok to try to help them. Someone who is depressed and dealing with an addiction (and carb addiction is VERY real) they could use a leg up if you will. You CAN'T always fix people, but you can understand their plight enough to offer a hand up.

 

Two examples from my own life.

 

I have a 16 year old overweight son who eats without getting full. Incredible kid who is loved by everyone who meets him. I watched him become more and more reclusive as the weight has spiraled out of control. I know its bothering him, we've had many talks, they were not working or sinking in. Some kid at his school told him about doing Atkins and loosing a ton of weight in not a lot of time. Later, the night he told me about this he was hounding me for a new gaming computer, complaining that he would never afford one on his allowance.

 

I looked at him and said, I'll pay you $400 for each 40 lbs, then an other to keep the weight off for 6 months. Are you kidding me. Something snapped! "When can we start!" I told him, we start Monday.

 

I'm not putting my kid on Atkins but phase 1 South Beach works very much the same. I know from my own experience that in two weeks you have no appetite whatsoever. Low Carb/Smart Carb is the best appetite suppressant in the world. So I asked him to, right there, promise that he would give it two weeks regardless, then make a decision whether to continue. (granted, I am cooking, shopping and planning all his meals, but that helps the first few weeks)

 

We are 3 weeks out, it is starting to slow down a little, but you could NOT talk him into eating anything off the program. He feels good because the carb crashes are gone and because twenty some odd pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry around. Because of the new computer???? Not really, actually. See, sometimes when you gain weight, (or any addiction really) you start self-loathing, where the addiction is concerned especially. You need an escape. You 've convinced yourself that you are unworthy. So how do you go from that, to caring about and respecting yourself enough to find the motivation to change. You don't, you've become your own worst enemy. As women, especially, we will do things for others, that we wouldnt do for ourselves. The computer was an excuse for my son to do something for himself personally. He didn't have to say, I'm worth it, he said I want this gaming computer to play with all of my friends and be a faster member of our teams. See how easy that was.

 

The second, is what happened to me. I've been trying to quit smoking for years. Quit when I was pregnant, but couldn't wait to start back. It was definitely a love hate relationship. Mostly, hate! Then one day I was planning a trip to Disney just for the heck of it, dreaming of taking an abused and neglected child we had taken on. I priced it out first class, pie in the sky! I was joking around showing my H our next luxury vacation and he said, cut the price in half, quit smoking and book it. Do you have any idea how easy it was to quit? DONE! I get to take the kids on a vacation they're gonna love, (one that had never even eaten out before we got her) are you kidding me??? It really was that easy. Was it the trip? No, I actually could plan and take any trip I wanted to on my own. I hated my weakness, despised it! I wasn't worth doing it myself. But I don't let my friends or family down. I needed a leg up, my son needed a leg up.

 

Staying in bed and avoiding life and refusing to live and be happy is her way of punishing her self, staying away from the awful glares of judgement from others. It just compounds it self, like any downward spiral.

 

Look up South Beach phase one. Its easy as heck to plan and do. Fill her house with foods she can eat. Fix meals or have a complete plan and ask her to give you two weeks. Also, provide a prize, for here efforts, that not only helps her. Don't start exercising right away, give it til the second or third week, then don't exercise, go for nature walks, each night, longer and longer, then take a hike up a hill/mountain, then gradually add to it.

 

People need to be ready to make a change, that's for sure. Its hard to help someone out of a cycle of self-loathing, its not always possible. One thing is for sure, though. There are times in most everyone's life where they need a leg up.

 

Don't listen to the haters, I think your being a supportive BF. You have to have your own boundaries, in any relationship, but it is ok to help someone as long as your not being taken advantage of. I wish you both luck.

[amaysngrace]

A guidebook to life!

 

YouTube

[Robert P]

I agree with the others -- you can't change her. And harping on it with her will simply entrench her current behaviour.

 

I think you need to serve as an example. Make sure you get exercise, daily if possible. Make sure that she knows you're doing it. Perhaps sign up for a 10K or some kind of fitness event that requires training. When you come home from a workout session, try not to be too positive about how easy the workout was. Your message should be "it was tough... but I got through it. And I feel really good having done it." Period. You're trying to convey that what you're doing is difficult, but doable. Because she'll certainly find it difficult when she decides to start trying. But she needs to know that it's doable.

 

Secondly, who does the grocery shopping? If it's you, don't buy frozen pizza, chips, soda, etc. Only buy stuff that's healthy, or that requires actual effort to prepare (i.e. more than just microwaving). If she wants a bunch of junk food, she'll actually have to get up and go to the store for it herself. If you two order in food, or go out to dinner, let her eat what she wants, but choose healthy options for yourself.

 

The overall message here is "be an example". Don't guilt her, and don't let her guilt you because you want to exercise or because you don't indulge with her. Your body, your life, your choices.

 

I can't promise this will change things, but it'll keep you healthy and happy with yourself, and may just help her as well.

Yep, I'll try doing it. I'm quite a healthy guy, but I can improve myself a lot. What's more, if it doesn't help her, it will be good for me anyway, right? I'll get some exercise and hope that she'll feel like following me in this one. Thanks for your insight

[Robert P]

How much weight does your gf need to lose to be within a healthy body mass index (BMI)?

 

She needs to get rid of the fatty pizza, full of more sodium than one needs in a few days, which aids in retaining water. Throw out the processed sugary products, it just turns into fat as the body cannot process that much. The process will be hard and at times seem impossible but here life depends on it. Convince her to go to a Dr. for a physical as diabetes can be a real consequence of her eating and lack of exercise.

 

Try and make a goal or reward (since she is acting like a child). If you lose X amount of pounds, we'll do this... Do you live together? If so, start cooking for her and keep snacks in the fridge like fruit and veggies. No junk in the house and she has no choice but to eat the good stuff. Go on nightly walks after dinner, even 10 minutes starts the process.

 

If she continues to refuse think hard about what you want out of life. You may love her but do you want to deal with her like this forever? Impacting what you can do as she sees content to live in bed. I would walk if my bf had no respect for himself and his health. Its gross and lazy.

 

Best of luck.

I guess she must lose something about 60 pounds (or 25 kilograms). It wouldn't be the ideal yet, but it would be enough so that most of her health issues were solved.

 

She's already been checked for diabetes, and she's dangerously near that spot.

 

The reward system is something I can try, but I'll have to figure out the best way of approaching it.

[Robert P]

The reward system sounds good to me. I just have to find out the best way of getting her into a healthier life.

 

Low-carb diet is something I've heard about. Maybe I'll try, or maybe I can put it in the reward "contract".

 

Thanks for sharing your story!

[dreamingoftigers]

Take pictures of her and hang them side by side with pictures from a Victorias Secret catalog. Just chop off the heads because you wouldn't want to hurt her self esteem.

 

Whoa whoa whoa. I think that's actually a terrible idea. Like really, really terrible.

 

Like break-up terrible.

 

Most obese people already "get it." they are fat. We don't look like other people. We suck. Our boyfriends/girlfriends want something different.

 

Just wow. I can't believe someone would do this.

 

Most of us don't have a LACK of toxic shame, we have too much of it already and that what shuts us down from working on our issues. We feel overwhelmed by it and like we have NO HOPE of overcoming it. Despite good intentions. Most of us have failed multiple times.

 

Robert, since obese people often surround themselves with people and things in their lives that feed into the problem, can I candidly ask how you feed into it?

 

Do you pick up any takeout orders, do you watch tv with her by the hour?

 

I'm NOT saying this is YOUR FAULT. AT ALL. but some small changes to stop enabling it PLUS finding small ways to show your gf that you have faith in her could lead to a tipping point.

 

Do you yourself have a healthy lifestyle where you take care of yourself?

 

Bear in mind that you are not this person's parent and her changing her own coping skills may come with some backlash. Compulsive eating is a harsh and terrible thing to overcome in the best of circumstances.

[dreamingoftigers]

This. A thousand times this.

 

In previous times when I would be making changes my husband would come home with pizza, chocolates etc. Real supportive.

 

He used to tell me "I should be able to have this stuff around blah blah blah and if YOU want to go lose weight, YOU go do it."

 

Well, we have a three year old daughter who is very predisposed to the same obesity problem both her parents have. (mine to a much larger degree). Anyhow it FINALLY dawned on me! I shouldn't have to WALK AWAY from my own kitchen table to be healthy. He should seek his UNHEALTHY stuff away from the house and I should be able to be HEALTHY and free from food triggers in my house.

 

If you are trying to shape up for you and YOU find pizza chips etc etc distracting, you should be able to say so. If she wouldn't be willing to support your own fitness and health goals, that could easily be a dealbreaker. If I were in your shoes, I would underline is as such.

 

Plus your healthiness would most likely snap her into a bit of reality that she could very well lose you to your newfound independence.

 

Taking care of yourself IS the most loving and supportive thing you can do for anyone.

 

I agree with the others -- you can't change her. And harping on it with her will simply entrench her current behaviour.

 

I think you need to serve as an example. Make sure you get exercise, daily if possible. Make sure that she knows you're doing it. Perhaps sign up for a 10K or some kind of fitness event that requires training. When you come home from a workout session, try not to be too positive about how easy the workout was. Your message should be "it was tough... but I got through it. And I feel really good having done it." Period. You're trying to convey that what you're doing is difficult, but doable. Because she'll certainly find it difficult when she decides to start trying. But she needs to know that it's doable.

 

Secondly, who does the grocery shopping? If it's you, don't buy frozen pizza, chips, soda, etc. Only buy stuff that's healthy, or that requires actual effort to prepare (i.e. more than just microwaving). If she wants a bunch of junk food, she'll actually have to get up and go to the store for it herself. If you two order in food, or go out to dinner, let her eat what she wants, but choose healthy options for yourself.

 

The overall message here is "be an example". Don't guilt her, and don't let her guilt you because you want to exercise or because you don't indulge with her. Your body, your life, your choices.

 

I can't promise this will change things, but it'll keep you healthy and happy with yourself, and may just help her as well.

[Robert P]

Whoa whoa whoa. I think that's actually a terrible idea. Like really, really terrible.

 

Like break-up terrible.

 

Most obese people already "get it." they are fat. We don't look like other people. We suck. Our boyfriends/girlfriends want something different.

 

Just wow. I can't believe someone would do this.

 

Most of us don't have a LACK of toxic shame, we have too much of it already and that what shuts us down from working on our issues. We feel overwhelmed by it and like we have NO HOPE of overcoming it. Despite good intentions. Most of us have failed multiple times.

 

Robert, since obese people often surround themselves with people and things in their lives that feed into the problem, can I candidly ask how you feed into it?

 

Do you pick up any takeout orders, do you watch tv with her by the hour?

 

I'm NOT saying this is YOUR FAULT. AT ALL. but some small changes to stop enabling it PLUS finding small ways to show your gf that you have faith in her could lead to a tipping point.

 

Do you yourself have a healthy lifestyle where you take care of yourself?

 

Bear in mind that you are not this person's parent and her changing her own coping skills may come with some backlash. Compulsive eating is a harsh and terrible thing to overcome in the best of circumstances.

I don't know if and how I could be feeding into the problem. She has obesity issues since much before she met me. She is overweighted since 12 years old, as far as I know. What happens is that all these years have brought a cumulative effect that her body just can't take anymore. Her liver is in serious trouble and she's close to diabetes, not mention other problems.

 

I'm not an athlete, but I'm quite in shape: 6 ft 4 in, 210 lb. I usually eat healthy food and avoid pizzas or fast food. By the way, most of the time I eat those kind of things is when I'm with my GF... Maybe I should exercise, that's my fault, I admit it. But I'm pretty better than her when it comes to taking care of oneself.

[todreaminblue]

My girlfriend is 29 years old. She had obesity problems for most of her life, and it's getting worse. Now she's having serious trouble with her stomach and liver, not to mention migraines and back pain. She has bad food habits: in other words, she eats tons of pizza or fast food every single day. She never exercises, no matter how much I try to convince her that it would be good - when she's not working, she uses to stay 48 hours in a row without getting up from her bed (ocasionally she goes to the toilet), just watching TV or spending time at the web.

 

Anyway, when I try to make her stop eating unhealthy food or exercising, she gets very mad, shouting a lot, or worse: she stays depressed and doesn't talk to me for hours.

 

I need some advice. What's the best way to approach her & the situation? How can I help her? What should I say that could work? Since nothing that I said until now has worked at all...

 

Thanks, everybody. Every hint will be useful. I'm in great despair, watching her suffer and destroy herself, while I'm unable to think about anything new to try.

 

 

depression is killer on motivation.........how about you walk with her is there a favorite place she loves where you could go and walk around.....feed the ducks....i prefer pelicans and seagulls the hooligans of the beach esplanade, they are funny to watch.....little upstarts......sorry tangenting

 

 

often getting out making that first step is the hardest thing to do, i havent exercised in the past week, been a bit down i am pretty sore though, fast food is easy to prepare you go the shop and pay someone to cook.......comes with lack of motivation and fast food is often junk food so ....how abotu you suggest you cook together go shopping together for healthy ingredients .....experiment in the kitchen....cover each other in chocolate...kidding that would be bad....but chicken and salad or a stir fry involving colorful veggies...a salad involving edible flowers and peppery rocket or micro greens artfully decorating a pristine white plate.....lemon, garlic and ginger vinegarette...all pick me up healthy foods.......

 

 

 

 

ask about inviting her closest friends, your closest friends for a dinner party you prepare together or even a pot luck meal where the order of the day is healthful foods a plate bought by everyone..... followed by scrabble or monopoly or pictionary whatever.....or a movie and fresh air popped popcorn after.....set that mood for motivation.....if you make a little effort and use your imagination you might have enough to ignite hers .people with depression sometimes need a little shove to get motivated so shove....in the nicest possible way and in the right direction..best wishes....deb

[Eggplant]

My parents divorced when I was 10.

 

When they met, my mother had had an eating disorder since 14, although she hid it. She was too thin, and only ate a limited amount of sweets. Her whole world, day and night, was consumed with exercising and not stopping to think about eating. She also had some sort of other emotional problems (these things are all related and tied into each other).

 

Anyway, my dad's plan was to be the knight in shining armor. He wanted to save her. He married her and they had 2 kids.

 

The problem was, she would not get help. And her problems didn't get better. She treated my dad coldly a lot because of severe mood swings. She would pass out asleep by 8:30 pm once she started eating in the day. And she refused to get help. She refused to even try.

 

He concluded she loved her disorder more than him and so they divorced.

 

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know if and how I could be feeding into the problem. She has obesity issues since much before she met me. She is overweighted since 12 years old, as far as I know. What happens is that all these years have brought a cumulative effect that her body just can't take anymore. Her liver is in serious trouble and she's close to diabetes, not mention other problems.

 

I'm not an athlete, but I'm quite in shape: 6 ft 4 in, 210 lb. I usually eat healthy food and avoid pizzas or fast food. By the way, most of the time I eat those kind of things is when I'm with my GF... Maybe I should exercise, that's my fault, I admit it. But I'm pretty better than her when it comes to taking care of oneself.

 

:facepalm: of course you are NOT the CAUSE.

 

But typically we attract and retain partners that will enable, or help with our already destructive patterns.

 

You say that you eat those foods with her.

 

Well, stop eating those foods with her.

 

Don't bring those foods home. If she wants to poison herself, she's got to do it by herself.

 

See what I'm saying?

 

Examples like that.

[Robert P]

:facepalm: of course you are NOT the CAUSE.

 

But typically we attract and retain partners that will enable, or help with our already destructive patterns.

 

You say that you eat those foods with her.

 

Well, stop eating those foods with her.

 

Don't bring those foods home. If she wants to poison herself, she's got to do it by herself.

 

See what I'm saying?

 

Examples like that.

I never bring those foods home. Usually, I find empty pizza boxes over the table when I get there, not to mention empty glasses of coke.

 

I eat those things with her when I'm tired and there's nothing more to eat.

[amaysngrace]

Whoa whoa whoa. I think that's actually a terrible idea. Like really, really terrible.

 

Like break-up terrible.

 

Most obese people already "get it." they are fat. We don't look like other people. We suck. Our boyfriends/girlfriends want something different.

 

Just wow. I can't believe someone would do this.

 

I think it's a good idea because she may be in denial. She may need a wake-up call.

 

Just because some people are aware of their body and how heavy they are getting doesn't mean that everyone is.

 

I'm sure some people choose not to look.

 

This would make her see.

[DannyMason]

My father used to shame and humiliate me about my weight problem, too I was slightly worse than your girl. It was a major reason I tried to kill myself. She might be trying to avoid confronting her weight issues, but she knows she has them. All fat people do. Work on her depression, which is probably a major root problem behind the obesity anyway. After I got over my depression to a sustainable degree I had little trouble losing the weight. Dropped 103 pounds, gained less than twenty of them back, and my Body Mass Index is very stable.

[man_in_the_box]

Hi.

 

What I saw from your posting is that you feel guilty and stuck in your current relationship. You do realize that having a successful relationship consists of both partners putting in effort to keep it functional. And we can obviously see that this is severely not happening in your case.

 

Also realize that she is probably very much aware of her situation. Perhaps in great denial but trust me when I say she is aware of her weight problem. She has to carry it around all day with all the negative consequences. No energy, tired, pain, people treat you different, not feeling attractive anymore and tons of more negative consequences of being severely overweight. It is impossible not to be aware of such a detrimental condition. These are often vicious cycles of depression and comfort eating to suppress these feelings.

 

I don’t know if these eating habits and weight problems have been there from the start of the relationship or if they developed over time but obviously you do not inspire her to break these habits or prevented them at all. Do not take this as an attack on what you could have done. You must realize that this is mostly out of your responsibilities and capabilities. The only person that can make her snap out of that horrible cycle is herself. She needs to find inspiration and motivation to change herself. Otherwise you are just beating a dead horse. It is true that this first step is probably the hardest of them all and indeed she needs to find herself at the bottom and get so fed up with everything that she wants to become healthy again.

 

I’ve experienced a similar situation and luckily enough my partner did reach her own rock-bottom at a certain point and decided that enough was enough and changed for the better. It is not impossible. I stayed for the exact same reasons, guilt, feeling like it is unethical to leave someone with such a debilitating depression/eating problem. It sucks the life out of you and I can see it from your posts. But realize that if she does not change then this is only going to be a downhill struggle. I do not think you need to endlessly need to force yourself to watch her do this to herself. It’s a shame that you have let it get out of hand this far. You should’ve given yourself some standards on what you will and will not accept in a relationship. I failed to do that as well but now I realize how important that is. It is not about changing her, but becoming aware of what you want and need in a relationship and being man enough to admit that if your partner just pisses on that then it’s their choice and your right to not put up with it.

 

That’s my first big advice: be ready to realize that it will NOT change and start finding a way to make clear that in the long run you’re not going to let this run its course forever!

 

Furthermore don’t do stupid things like nag her on weight or put up Victoria’s secret calenders. As I’ve said, she IS aware of her condition but just not mentally capable of breaking out of it. All youre doing is breaking her self-confidence even more and that will never give her the power to become healthy again.

 

What you should do is focus on yourself, stay active, stay healthy, stay fit, eat healthy. Change yourself in what you want yourself to be. She will notice and realize that it does not have to be this way. And if she doesn’t and the relationships ends (Because it will if these patterns are never broken) then you at least have yourself ready for the rest of your life without her.

 

In short: don’t worry about changing her for a while – you cannot make that happen. Make yourself the best you can be, positively reinforce your girlfriend if you can and prepare for the worst if nothing happens.

 

Best of luck,

 

Man_out_the_box

[Almond_Joy]

You could try telling her how this is affecting you, not so much how it will help her initially. Tell her you're depressed and frustrated watching her do this to herself, and you're really conflicted about continuing this relationship.

 

She may say in turn, "I understand, I will definitely start making changes tomorrow/next week/next month." But she's done this before, and that's not good enough.

 

So one way you may be able to help is to put together a diet and exercise regimen for her, and give her a month to consistently implement the regimen. If at the end of the month, she has kept her bad habits and is not following the regimen, you leave. Make it clear to her that this is her last chance to save the relationship you two have.

 

I understand you love her, but like everyone else has said, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. With this plan, you're giving her the time, information, and support she needs to start changing her life. And that's all you can do. The rest is on her. And if she doesn't take that step, there's no point in you staying. You'll just be hurting yourself more.

 

You may also want to tell her that starting is always the hardest, it's a huge adjustment, she's going to have withdrawals, be cranky, be tired or sore from the exercise. But it will only last for a short time, and then she'll start feeling better. Offer to do every workout with her, so she has a reminder to stick with it and knows she's not alone in overcoming this.

 

You need to make it unmistakably clear that you will leave if she doesn't do this. And you have to be ready and willing to follow through on that ultimatum.

[Robert P]

Hi.

 

What I saw from your posting is that you feel guilty and stuck in your current relationship. You do realize that having a successful relationship consists of both partners putting in effort to keep it functional. And we can obviously see that this is severely not happening in your case.

 

Also realize that she is probably very much aware of her situation. Perhaps in great denial but trust me when I say she is aware of her weight problem. She has to carry it around all day with all the negative consequences. No energy, tired, pain, people treat you different, not feeling attractive anymore and tons of more negative consequences of being severely overweight. It is impossible not to be aware of such a detrimental condition. These are often vicious cycles of depression and comfort eating to suppress these feelings.

 

I don’t know if these eating habits and weight problems have been there from the start of the relationship or if they developed over time but obviously you do not inspire her to break these habits or prevented them at all. Do not take this as an attack on what you could have done. You must realize that this is mostly out of your responsibilities and capabilities. The only person that can make her snap out of that horrible cycle is herself. She needs to find inspiration and motivation to change herself. Otherwise you are just beating a dead horse. It is true that this first step is probably the hardest of them all and indeed she needs to find herself at the bottom and get so fed up with everything that she wants to become healthy again.

 

I’ve experienced a similar situation and luckily enough my partner did reach her own rock-bottom at a certain point and decided that enough was enough and changed for the better. It is not impossible. I stayed for the exact same reasons, guilt, feeling like it is unethical to leave someone with such a debilitating depression/eating problem. It sucks the life out of you and I can see it from your posts. But realize that if she does not change then this is only going to be a downhill struggle. I do not think you need to endlessly need to force yourself to watch her do this to herself. It’s a shame that you have let it get out of hand this far. You should’ve given yourself some standards on what you will and will not accept in a relationship. I failed to do that as well but now I realize how important that is. It is not about changing her, but becoming aware of what you want and need in a relationship and being man enough to admit that if your partner just pisses on that then it’s their choice and your right to not put up with it.

 

That’s my first big advice: be ready to realize that it will NOT change and start finding a way to make clear that in the long run you’re not going to let this run its course forever!

 

Furthermore don’t do stupid things like nag her on weight or put up Victoria’s secret calenders. As I’ve said, she IS aware of her condition but just not mentally capable of breaking out of it. All youre doing is breaking her self-confidence even more and that will never give her the power to become healthy again.

 

What you should do is focus on yourself, stay active, stay healthy, stay fit, eat healthy. Change yourself in what you want yourself to be. She will notice and realize that it does not have to be this way. And if she doesn’t and the relationships ends (Because it will if these patterns are never broken) then you at least have yourself ready for the rest of your life without her.

 

In short: don’t worry about changing her for a while – you cannot make that happen. Make yourself the best you can be, positively reinforce your girlfriend if you can and prepare for the worst if nothing happens.

 

Best of luck,

 

Man_out_the_box

Yeah, I feel guilty and stuck. It's good to know that you have been through the same path.

 

One important point is: the more time goes by, the more I love her; and, the more I love her, the more my standards fall down. When we started dating, if she were like she's today, I wouldn't have gone ahead. She's getting worse every year.

 

Anyway, I understand what you meant. I'll improve myself and hope that she gets motivated to do so.

 

What's more, my life must go on - with or without her. One more reason for me to try my best.

 

Thanks, man.

[Robert P]

You could try telling her how this is affecting you, not so much how it will help her initially. Tell her you're depressed and frustrated watching her do this to herself, and you're really conflicted about continuing this relationship.

 

She may say in turn, "I understand, I will definitely start making changes tomorrow/next week/next month." But she's done this before, and that's not good enough.

 

So one way you may be able to help is to put together a diet and exercise regimen for her, and give her a month to consistently implement the regimen. If at the end of the month, she has kept her bad habits and is not following the regimen, you leave. Make it clear to her that this is her last chance to save the relationship you two have.

 

I understand you love her, but like everyone else has said, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. With this plan, you're giving her the time, information, and support she needs to start changing her life. And that's all you can do. The rest is on her. And if she doesn't take that step, there's no point in you staying. You'll just be hurting yourself more.

 

You may also want to tell her that starting is always the hardest, it's a huge adjustment, she's going to have withdrawals, be cranky, be tired or sore from the exercise. But it will only last for a short time, and then she'll start feeling better. Offer to do every workout with her, so she has a reminder to stick with it and knows she's not alone in overcoming this.

 

You need to make it unmistakably clear that you will leave if she doesn't do this. And you have to be ready and willing to follow through on that ultimatum.

Thanks for your suggestion. I'll think about it. But, giving it a glance, I'm not sure it would help. If I tell her that it's her last shot, I think the pressure may break her. Instead of making her conscious and willing to make great efforts, it may mess her head even more, what would lead to more anxiety, and so on.