Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 My girlfriend is 29 years old. She had obesity problems for most of her life, and it's getting worse. Now she's having serious trouble with her stomach and liver, not to mention migraines and back pain. She has bad food habits: in other words, she eats tons of pizza or fast food every single day. She never exercises, no matter how much I try to convince her that it would be good - when she's not working, she uses to stay 48 hours in a row without getting up from her bed (ocasionally she goes to the toilet), just watching TV or spending time at the web. Anyway, when I try to make her stop eating unhealthy food or exercising, she gets very mad, shouting a lot, or worse: she stays depressed and doesn't talk to me for hours. I need some advice. What's the best way to approach her & the situation? How can I help her? What should I say that could work? Since nothing that I said until now has worked at all... Thanks, everybody. Every hint will be useful. I'm in great despair, watching her suffer and destroy herself, while I'm unable to think about anything new to try.
Eggplant Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She is depressed. (Exercise would help her because of the dopamine it produces.) Your girlfriend has a problem. Depression and eating disorder. Lots of good people have problems at some point in their lives. The question is, is she willing to at least try to fix it? Therapy, a trainer, 10 minutes/day of walking just to take a baby step? If she is trying, there is hope. But is she refuses to try, you can't let her drag you down with her. Kind of like an addict -- only that person can help himself/herself, and the loved ones must accept they can do nothing if the person in question won't try. Refusing to try is a big, big red flag. When people have problems they won't fix, the whole family is affected. 6
velvetunderground Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 In my opinion a disorder like this is a lot like drug or alcohol addiction. Unfortunately you cannot make her change; she has to want to do it herself. Like an alcoholic or drug addict she has to hit her own rock bottom, but I don't know where that is and neither do you, I agree with the previous poster who said she's depressed. It sure sounds that way. She is probably an emotional eater and trying to relieve whatever pain she feels with food. The problem, of course, is that doesn't work so she keeps eating more and more. This is a very tough problem and not one you can likely fix on your own. Maybe there is a counselor/psychologist who specializes in this kind of eating disorder in your area? 1
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 She is depressed. (Exercise would help her because of the dopamine it produces.) Your girlfriend has a problem. Depression and eating disorder. Lots of good people have problems at some point in their lives. The question is, is she willing to at least try to fix it? Therapy, a trainer, 10 minutes/day of walking just to take a baby step? If she is trying, there is hope. But is she refuses to try, you can't let her drag you down with her. Kind of like an addict -- only that person can help himself/herself, and the loved ones must accept they can do nothing if the person in question won't try. Refusing to try is a big, big red flag. When people have problems they won't fix, the whole family is affected. She says that she wants to fix it, but she doesn't do anything about it. I mean, she makes plans like "next month I'll start taking walks everyday", or something like that. But "next month" never comes. And she doesn't stop eating bad foods for more than one day or two. She's really sick, but she simply doesn't stop. I'd say that there's hope that she will change eventually, but maybe it's too late.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 In my opinion a disorder like this is a lot like drug or alcohol addiction. Unfortunately you cannot make her change; she has to want to do it herself. Like an alcoholic or drug addict she has to hit her own rock bottom, but I don't know where that is and neither do you, I agree with the previous poster who said she's depressed. It sure sounds that way. She is probably an emotional eater and trying to relieve whatever pain she feels with food. The problem, of course, is that doesn't work so she keeps eating more and more. This is a very tough problem and not one you can likely fix on your own. Maybe there is a counselor/psychologist who specializes in this kind of eating disorder in your area? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that she's an emotional eater. She eats a lot more when she's anxious. But she doesn't wanna solve her anxiety problems - she is always waiting for some miracle to happen. Anyway, I don't think she would be interested in seeing a psychologist. We've already talked about that and she really despises this kind of treatment.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 run----before she drags you down with her. Dude, I think she's already dragging me down, since I worry a lot about her health and get depressed when I see her suffering. But I love her and don't feel able to simply letting her go, or run. I feel stuck here.
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I feel stuck here. Why? If I may ask. She has some kind of a disorder. You can't fix her if she doesn't want to fix herself. She is an adult after all.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Why? If I may ask. She has some kind of a disorder. You can't fix her if she doesn't want to fix herself. She is an adult after all. Her emotional/physical issues make me suffer, but I love her so much that I can't leave.
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Her emotional/physical issues make me suffer, but I love her so much that I can't leave. Do you love her or do you love taking care of her? Do you love the fact that she needs you in fact? Everyone can leave and sometimes people should.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Do you love her or do you love taking care of her? Do you love the fact that she needs you in fact? Everyone can leave and sometimes people should. I love both (her & taking care of her). I already loved her when she wasn't sick and didn't need this kind of help from me.
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I love both (her & taking care of her). I already loved her when she wasn't sick and didn't need this kind of help from me. Has she seen a doctor?
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Has she seen a doctor? A few times. They say what everybody already knows: "Get up from bed, exercise 3 times a week, eat less industrialized food".
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Hi Robert P, I empathize with your struggles. I am obese and I am 30. I have been obese my whole adult life. I have about 200 lbs to lose. I am working on it now steadfastly because I finally got to a point where I just didn't want to live with this bullish*t anymore. It's been difficult because truly, so many additives in food are so addictive. I have started eating much more healthily but because my diet was SO toxic before hitting my high point that even on the days where I do end up having A fast food meal, I STILL drop weight because the amount of sugar and carbs etc etc I was consuming was so phenomenal. Unfortunately, I've found that I built my life in a way that fueled my addiction to this awful stuff. So the habits and environmental factors that go with it have had to slowly be altered. oh shoot. I'll have to post back later but I'm going in the general direction that you can't "love her better" but there are certain things you can do to not enable or support the choice for her to poison herself. Does she work at all? 2
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 A few times. They say what everybody already knows: "Get up from bed, exercise 3 times a week, eat less industrialized food". Ok here it goes: I don't think she will listen to you more than she listens to her doctor or anyone else.She doesn't want a psychologist because she doesn't want to get curedShe has likely huge emotional issues including probably some kind of victim mentalityYou two are in an unhealthy codependent relationship and you will be probably unhappy as long as you are with her and until you break this pattern. I don't want to offend you and I'm very sorry if I have but you can't control an adult and you shouldn't. 1
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hi Robert P, I empathize with your struggles. I am obese and I am 30. I have been obese my whole adult life. I have about 200 lbs to lose. I am working on it now steadfastly because I finally got to a point where I just didn't want to live with this bullish*t anymore. It's been difficult because truly, so many additives in food are so addictive. I have started eating much more healthily but because my diet was SO toxic before hitting my high point that even on the days where I do end up having A fast food meal, I STILL drop weight because the amount of sugar and carbs etc etc I was consuming was so phenomenal. Unfortunately, I've found that I built my life in a way that fueled my addiction to this awful stuff. So the habits and environmental factors that go with it have had to slowly be altered. oh shoot. I'll have to post back later but I'm going in the general direction that you can't "love her better" but there are certain things you can do to not enable or support the choice for her to poison herself. Does she work at all? Thanks for your answer. I really wanna help her, but I don't know how to do it. Yes, she works, 8 hours/day.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Ok here it goes: I don't think she will listen to you more than she listens to her doctor or anyone else.She doesn't want a psychologist because she doesn't want to get curedShe has likely huge emotional issues including probably some kind of victim mentalityYou two are in an unhealthy codependent relationship and you will be probably unhappy as long as you are with her and until you break this pattern. I don't want to offend you and I'm very sorry if I have but you can't control an adult and you shouldn't. Don't worry, I don't feel offended. Are you telling me that all I can do is watching her die? Is that it?
amaysngrace Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Take a bunch of candid pictures of her, print them out and hang them all over the place, especially her laptop and fridge.
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Are you telling me that all I can do is watching her die? Is that it? No. I'm telling you that her life is her life. You can't MAKE her do things she doesn't want to. She is an adult. She has the right to make her choices. You can't control her.
mammasita Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She can only help herself. You can't love her enough to make her take action. She sounds like she needs to see a therapist on a regular basis, perhaps even start taking antidepresants. 2
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 No. I'm telling you that her life is her life. You can't MAKE her do things she doesn't want to. She is an adult. She has the right to make her choices. You can't control her. I don't want to control her. I want to try anything to help her. Adults try to help each other.
amaysngrace Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't want to control her. I want to try anything to help her. Adults try to help each other. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. She'd probably appreciate a big country breakfast complete with a tall stack, three kinds of meat, three eggs, with a side of sausage gravy and biscuits more than she would want your help. Hang pictures of her around the house. Shame her into motion.
Emilia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't want to control her. I want to try anything to help her. Adults try to help each other. You can only go so far though, no? Someone can tell me what they want me to do many times but it's up to me whether I'll do it. I think it's important that you understand your own motives in this.
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She is an adult with the attitude and denial of a child. Pizza and fast food all the time when you are dangerously obese? Come on there is no excuse. She could be buying prepared salads from the grocery store, even prepared healthy meals if she is that lazy. What are you getting out of this relationship? How long has this been going on? Would you put up with her having a drug addiction? If not how is this different? I guess its more socially acceptable but geez. I think its nice you want to help her but if she isn't contributing to that then there is nothing you can do! What are you gonna do, serve her soup and salad in bed while she lounges away 48 hours?! Goodness. Do you guys still have sex?
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't want to control her. I want to try anything to help her. Adults try to help each other. Adults also have a sense of personal responsibility, your gf doesn't. Adults don't freak out and yell when someone tries to help them, your gf does. Your gf is an oversized kid. The constant rejection of your attempts to help is going to be the end of this relationship anyway, you are going to resent her like crazy eventually.
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