Author Robert P Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 I'm not sure where the 'we don't have money' comes into this if you're not living together and (hopefully) don't have joint finances in that case? If she wants to go somewhere that you really don't want to pay for, just tell her nicely that she's welcome to pay for it? You should only pay for something if you want to. And if you're not paying for it, how is the expense an issue? As for travelling, why does she not want to travel on her own if she really wants to and you don't? You don't need to go everywhere together. IMO the issue here is not that she likes travelling and eating at nice restaurants, but that you feel compelled to do things you really don't want to do to placate her. I'm not a gigolo or a pimp or something like that. I'm not going to restaurants at her expenses everytime. Yes, she already said that, if I can't pay, she pays for me. But that's not fair and I don't want it. I think we should always pay 50%. Sometimes she travels on her own. The problem is: I would like to refuse all travelling ideas, but I think it would mine our relationship. So I travel with her more than I want.
salparadise Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I still have to figure out what can be changed and what cannot. Something to do with boundaries. Yes, I think you've got that right. I'm not going to restaurants at her expenses everytime. Yes, she already said that, if I can't pay, she pays for me. But that's not fair and I don't want it. I think we should always pay 50%. Sometimes she travels on her own. The problem is: I would like to refuse all travelling ideas, but I think it would mine our relationship. So I travel with her more than I want. Just explain it like you have here... you don't enjoy the travel, you prefer to stay home, relax, and save your money. And you don't believe in having her pay your way. I really believe the first thing you need to do is start saying what you feel. Otherwise you needs will be subjugated to hers, and if that becomes the norm it will end up being an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. It's better to enforce your boundaries and let the relationship fail (if it must) than to lose yourself and then have it fail.
youaremysunshine Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 If she wants adventure, there is no sense is trying to pin her down. She will just grow to resent you. Find someone who likes to watch tv.
Els Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I'm not a gigolo or a pimp or something like that. I'm not going to restaurants at her expenses everytime. Yes, she already said that, if I can't pay, she pays for me. But that's not fair and I don't want it. I think we should always pay 50%. Sometimes she travels on her own. The problem is: I would like to refuse all travelling ideas, but I think it would mine our relationship. So I travel with her more than I want. Ah, okay, this makes more sense. Sounds like a huge incompatibility in that case, if you don't want to travel at ALL and she wants to travel lots. She seems to have compromised on her end by traveling on her own sometimes and offering to pay for expensive outings, and you seem to have compromised, but you still can't meet in the middle and are resenting it. Perhaps best for you both to go your separate ways, if you can't see any way of resolving this. FWIW, though, I think the vast majority of women enjoy traveling at least a little bit (cheaper, local traveling if they are poor), and I don't know anyone who would be okay with their bf refusing ALL traveling ideas, ever. I'm not a huge traveling fan - in fact, I'm more homely than many others - but even I want to go on a trip at least a couple times a year.
Hopeful30 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 The thing is, no man wants to date a woman who travels all the time. It can be for many reasons, like a) they don't enjoy it b) they can't afford it or c) they can't because of their work. It could even be that they are insecure and feel that a social girl who travels all the time and loves to meet people will have affairs all over the place (and as a girl who travels, I prefer to be single when travelling because it's more fun that way). At the same time, she might be wanting to travel more because she is bored in your relationship and needs something exciting. When people get bored in relationships, they seek other things to keep them busy. If she doesn't enjoy just being indoors anymore, it might be because she doesn't find it as exciting anymore and wants to travel with you to have fun now. OR it might just be that she is growing a taste for travel because she is older and realizes now that its what she wants to do. It bothers me that so many people come on here asking so many questions when they can just ask their boyfriend/girlfriend. That's the only way you will get a real answer.
xxoo Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I agree with you. The point is: I'm not very communicative. I don't know how to express myself and my point of view, especially when I'm talking face to face. It's easier when I can write (for instance, using a keyboard, just like now). I'll try to talk to her and get her to know some of my thoughts. But I have a hard time doing it. And usually she speaks faster than me and outscores me... If you communicate better through written words, share your concerns with her in an email. Do what works for you, but by all means communicate!
Author Robert P Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Yes, I think you've got that right. Just explain it like you have here... you don't enjoy the travel, you prefer to stay home, relax, and save your money. And you don't believe in having her pay your way. I really believe the first thing you need to do is start saying what you feel. Otherwise you needs will be subjugated to hers, and if that becomes the norm it will end up being an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. It's better to enforce your boundaries and let the relationship fail (if it must) than to lose yourself and then have it fail. When I explain, she gets sad. And I can't deal with a sad woman.
Author Robert P Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 The thing is, no man wants to date a woman who travels all the time. It can be for many reasons, like a) they don't enjoy it b) they can't afford it or c) they can't because of their work. It could even be that they are insecure and feel that a social girl who travels all the time and loves to meet people will have affairs all over the place (and as a girl who travels, I prefer to be single when travelling because it's more fun that way). At the same time, she might be wanting to travel more because she is bored in your relationship and needs something exciting. When people get bored in relationships, they seek other things to keep them busy. If she doesn't enjoy just being indoors anymore, it might be because she doesn't find it as exciting anymore and wants to travel with you to have fun now. OR it might just be that she is growing a taste for travel because she is older and realizes now that its what she wants to do. It bothers me that so many people come on here asking so many questions when they can just ask their boyfriend/girlfriend. That's the only way you will get a real answer. As I said, I've already talked to her about it. She says she likes spending evenings indoors with me, but she also enjoys travelling. I think that travelling is really boring. I love reading books. Words really get into my mind and distract me. On the other hand, visiting unknown towns is really boring. You already know what you're gonna find: people, buildings, streets... The faces may differ, but that's all. When we travel, our body moves, but the soul remains. Well, anyway, that's my opinion. My GF, as far as I can see, needs to see things to fullfill her spirit.
xxoo Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 When I explain, she gets sad. And I can't deal with a sad woman. You can't work through issues by avoiding conflict and uncomfortable conversations.
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