Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Hello, everybody. I'm 27 years old and my girlfriend is 29. We've been together for the last 3 years. I like indoors activities (reading books and magazines, watching TV, listening to music), as does my GF. So we were very happy spending most of our free time at home. Nevertheless, before we started our relationship, she used to travel a lot. She was always trying to know different cities, exotic foods etc. About 18 ou 20 months ago she claimed that we should start travelling more. It's not my cup of tea, but I agreed to do some travelling with her. Then we were on the road a few times. Since then, we've been in at least 7 ou 8 different cities (beaches & mountains included). I could say that we've been travelling a total ammount of 40 days since January 1st 2012 until now. The bad thing is: she wants to travel even more. Last month I spent 10 days with her at the beach. Now she wants to travel again two weeks from now. She already chose the place and booked a room for us (me & her) and her family. If I choose not to go, she'll go anyway (since her family will be there) and she will, of course, be quite mad at me. The fact is: I'm not sure about what happened at all. She seemed happy when we were indoors, but suddenly she demands that we travel and go out more and more. The more I give, the more she demands. I think she may have been "faking", in the initial stages of our relationship, when she stayed at home with me watching endless movies or just talking about songs and singers. Then, when I was relentlessly in love and strongly connected with her, she started demanding lots of travelling. I did it a few times, hoping that we could find a balance (between indoors & outdoors activities), but it seems that she's not gonna stop. Moreover, now she's spending more money than before. We're not rich, so we used to look for restaurants with reasonable prices. Not bad restaurants, not cheap restaurants, but good places in which you don't have to expend lots of money. But, as I said, she changed. Now, she always chooses the most expensive places. We argue about it sometimes. Again, as it happened about all the travelling, I thought that we could go to expensive places a few times, so she would be happy, and we could go to more reasonable places in other times. Sadly, it's not working: she always wants to go to expensive restaurants and stuff, no matter how much money we've already spent. As I said, we're not rich, but I want to save some money for the future, while she seems to be willing to spend everything she earns as if there's no tomorrow. Again, I think that, when we started our relationship, she was "faking" about all this money stuff. She pretended to be a person who doesn't spend a lot, in order to gain my trust and form a great connection between us. And, now that time has gone by and we are very involved with each other, she doesn't care anymore and decided to spend money as hell. Now that I have described the whole situation, I want to ask you, folks: do you think she just changed her preferences? Or she was really faking at the beggining of our relationship? What's the best way to find some balance between our ways of enjoying life (she likes to travel, I like being at home)? How to deal with the money problem? That's it. Thanks in advance!
Eggplant Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Money is supposedly the biggest things couples fight about. What is most important to evaluate, I think, is how she is at compromising. Does she throw a fit if she can't get her way? Does she consider your feelings? Is she making any effort to compromise? And you, are you clearly expressing your feelings, or does she not even know what's bothering you?
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Money is supposedly the biggest things couples fight about. What is most important to evaluate, I think, is how she is at compromising. Does she throw a fit if she can't get her way? Does she consider your feelings? Is she making any effort to compromise? And you, are you clearly expressing your feelings, or does she not even know what's bothering you? She gets really angry when things don't happen the way she wants. She says that she's worried about my feelings, but it is not entirely true (despite not being entirely false, too). I don't express my feeling very well all the time, but, when I do, I never know what to expect from her. Sometimes she respects what I say (even when I'm prepared for an outburst of rage), but sometimes she gets angry or ignores me for a while.
clia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I don't think that she was necessarily faking anything for the first 12 months or so of your relationship. She may have been thrilled to be with you and was happy sitting around at home with you watching movies in the beginning. But then, maybe she got a little restless and wanted to return to some of the things she knew she loved doing -- such as traveling and eating out. By my count, and based on your post, she has been travelling and wanting to eat out for the majority of your relationship. (You said this has been going on for 18-20 months.) so, you've obviously been putting up with it for a long time. It may be that your lifestyles just aren't compatible. It might be time to take a long, hard look at your relationship to decide whether it is worth staying in. If you don't want to go on a trip or to an expensive restaurant, then don't go. You are an adult and can make that decision. Are you two living together? 2
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 I don't think that she was necessarily faking anything for the first 12 months or so of your relationship. She may have been thrilled to be with you and was happy sitting around at home with you watching movies in the beginning. But then, maybe she got a little restless and wanted to return to some of the things she knew she loved doing -- such as traveling and eating out. By my count, and based on your post, she has been travelling and wanting to eat out for the majority of your relationship. (You said this has been going on for 18-20 months.) so, you've obviously been putting up with it for a long time. It may be that your lifestyles just aren't compatible. It might be time to take a long, hard look at your relationship to decide whether it is worth staying in. If you don't want to go on a trip or to an expensive restaurant, then don't go. You are an adult and can make that decision. Are you two living together? No, we're not living together, but we spend a lot of time together (specially in the weekends of vacations). It's true, maybe she's just returning to what she used to be. If I don't do what she wants, it really disturbs the relationship, because she gets angry. I want a free-arguement life, I don't wanna live among shouting or the silence treatment.
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Your gf sounds more and more like a big giant child with each thread. No responsibility for herself and spoiled to the point that if she doesn't get her way she has a temper tantrum! I think this relationship has run its course, your gf doesn't deserve you.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Your gf sounds more and more like a big giant child with each thread. No responsibility for herself and spoiled to the point that if she doesn't get her way she has a temper tantrum! I think this relationship has run its course, your gf doesn't deserve you. Do you think I should try some kind of ultimatum?
clia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 No, we're not living together, but we spend a lot of time together (specially in the weekends of vacations). It's true, maybe she's just returning to what she used to be. If I don't do what she wants, it really disturbs the relationship, because she gets angry. I want a free-arguement life, I don't wanna live among shouting or the silence treatment. She sounds really volatile. If you want an argument-free life, then this does not sound like the right woman for you. There is no reason to be miserable in a relationship or to have to walk on eggshells. This is your life!
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 LOL. It's not an 'ultimatum' you need. It's testicles. Thanks for your contribution.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 She sounds really volatile. If you want an argument-free life, then this does not sound like the right woman for you. There is no reason to be miserable in a relationship or to have to walk on eggshells. This is your life! Yeah, I think it would be a lot easier if we didn't have arguments and all... But we always hear that a problem-free life doesn't exist, isn't it? That's why I keep on trying to solve my problems with her...
Absewarrior Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Robert P: Ultimatum for what? If you don't do what I want, I will leave you? Sure, go ahead and she will leave you since she is the adventurous one and you are the homebody. Sitting home when you are in your 20's may not be what she wants or needs. If my spouse, and I have been married for many years, didn't want to do the same as me, then they can go and do it with their friends or family. The remarkable thing about relationships is that you compromise what you can and cannot do or tolerate. For instance, if my spouse wanted to travel and I didn't, I would just say...hey go do your thing and I will do mine. After all, most men and women do not like exactly the same things in life. Think----shopping vs. football or traveling abroad vs. hunting. If everyone tried to give ultimatums and change their spouse for not being exactly like them there would be a 50 percent divorce rate...oh wait...there is. Though I understand you aren't married, that is usually where thngs progress to, so decide right now if this is something you two can work out with communication...if you communicate your concerns and you are still worried aobut money and you can't agree to do things seperately, then yes, it is time to move on. Life is too short to sit on a fence when there is much living to be done. AW
salparadise Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She gets really angry when things don't happen the way she wants. She says that she's worried about my feelings, but it is not entirely true [...] I never know what to expect from her. Sometimes she respects what I say (even when I'm prepared for an outburst of rage), but sometimes she gets angry or ignores me for a while. If I don't do what she wants, it really disturbs the relationship, because she gets angry. I want a free-arguement life, I don't wanna live among shouting or the silence treatment. OMG! She sounds like my ex-wife. She loved to stay in nice hotels and eat at nice restaurants, and her notion of what was appropriate to spend was not tempered with reality either. She could just put it out of her mind. I did not like spending in ways where you have nothing to show for it. As it turned out this was a symptom of larger issues. She would also manage to get her way by threat of being angry, silent treatment and so forth. Drama came naturally to her. I wanted to live in peace and found myself giving up more and more just to keep the peace and stability, and the more I gave the higher she'd raise the bar. I now realize that I should've been more assertive, and that would probably have meant ending it a lot sooner. I'm guessing based on just two things, but I think they're like two peas in a pod. I think you need to be assertive and let the chips fall where they may. This money stuff will ruin your life if you get hooked up with a compulsive spender. Be who you are, enforce your boundaries, and if she goes into the spin cycle over it you will be learning valuable stuff before it's too late.
clia Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Yeah, I think it would be a lot easier if we didn't have arguments and all... But we always hear that a problem-free life doesn't exist, isn't it? That's why I keep on trying to solve my problems with her... You are correct that no life is completely free of problems, but it seems to me that you could do better than a woman who throws a temper tantrum when you don't want to do the things that she wants to do. If you want to continue living under those conditions, and being forced to do things that you don't enjoy, then keep her around. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, but maybe you should have a conversation with her, and simply tell her that you don't enjoy the travel or the expensive restaurants like she does, and while she is free to continue to do those things, you do not want to participate. (Or you will agree to two trips a year, or one restaurant a month, or something like that.) If she is an adult, she will realize that you are allowed to have your own interests and your own life outside of her and don't have to participate in every single thing that she wants.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Robert P: Ultimatum for what? If you don't do what I want, I will leave you? Sure, go ahead and she will leave you since she is the adventurous one and you are the homebody. Sitting home when you are in your 20's may not be what she wants or needs. If my spouse, and I have been married for many years, didn't want to do the same as me, then they can go and do it with their friends or family. The remarkable thing about relationships is that you compromise what you can and cannot do or tolerate. For instance, if my spouse wanted to travel and I didn't, I would just say...hey go do your thing and I will do mine. After all, most men and women do not like exactly the same things in life. Think----shopping vs. football or traveling abroad vs. hunting. If everyone tried to give ultimatums and change their spouse for not being exactly like them there would be a 50 percent divorce rate...oh wait...there is. Though I understand you aren't married, that is usually where thngs progress to, so decide right now if this is something you two can work out with communication...if you communicate your concerns and you are still worried aobut money and you can't agree to do things seperately, then yes, it is time to move on. Life is too short to sit on a fence when there is much living to be done. AW I understand your point of view. An ultimatum doesn't seem the correct choice. I will try being more assertive, which I'm not until now. I'll try using communication and see if it works. Thanks!
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 OMG! She sounds like my ex-wife. She loved to stay in nice hotels and eat at nice restaurants, and her notion of what was appropriate to spend was not tempered with reality either. She could just put it out of her mind. I did not like spending in ways where you have nothing to show for it. As it turned out this was a symptom of larger issues. She would also manage to get her way by threat of being angry, silent treatment and so forth. Drama came naturally to her. I wanted to live in peace and found myself giving up more and more just to keep the peace and stability, and the more I gave the higher she'd raise the bar. I now realize that I should've been more assertive, and that would probably have meant ending it a lot sooner. I'm guessing based on just two things, but I think they're like two peas in a pod. I think you need to be assertive and let the chips fall where they may. This money stuff will ruin your life if you get hooked up with a compulsive spender. Be who you are, enforce your boundaries, and if she goes into the spin cycle over it you will be learning valuable stuff before it's too late. I wouldn't say she's a compulsive spender. She just gets crazy now and then, it's not something that happens in a daily basis. And for a few things (like restaurants) she really likes to spend a lot of money. There's no way she's gonna order a good pizza for $ 20 if she knows a place where it costs $ 30. Sad but true.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 You are correct that no life is completely free of problems, but it seems to me that you could do better than a woman who throws a temper tantrum when you don't want to do the things that she wants to do. If you want to continue living under those conditions, and being forced to do things that you don't enjoy, then keep her around. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, but maybe you should have a conversation with her, and simply tell her that you don't enjoy the travel or the expensive restaurants like she does, and while she is free to continue to do those things, you do not want to participate. (Or you will agree to two trips a year, or one restaurant a month, or something like that.) If she is an adult, she will realize that you are allowed to have your own interests and your own life outside of her and don't have to participate in every single thing that she wants. I agree with you. The point is: I'm not very communicative. I don't know how to express myself and my point of view, especially when I'm talking face to face. It's easier when I can write (for instance, using a keyboard, just like now). I'll try to talk to her and get her to know some of my thoughts. But I have a hard time doing it. And usually she speaks faster than me and outscores me...
salparadise Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I wouldn't say she's a compulsive spender. She just gets crazy now and then, it's not something that happens in a daily basis. And for a few things (like restaurants) she really likes to spend a lot of money. There's no way she's gonna order a good pizza for $ 20 if she knows a place where it costs $ 30. Sad but true. I agree with you. The point is: I'm not very communicative. I don't know how to express myself and my point of view, especially when I'm talking face to face. It's easier when I can write (for instance, using a keyboard, just like now). I'll try to talk to her and get her to know some of my thoughts. But I have a hard time doing it. And usually she speaks faster than me and outscores me... Robert, the key to being assertive without being offensive and triggering an argument is using "I" statements and avoid using the word "you." It's ok to soften statements a bit by making them tentative. For example saying, "I feel that we may have different styles with regard to saving." If you're stating your feelings simply as your feelings then she can't really take issue because you are entitled to your feelings. As long as you are saying "I feel," and aren't underhandedly pointing fingers at her you can say what you need to say. Be prepared though, because she's not used to you being assertive. She may get frustrated when you make statements that she cannot disagree with. If she goes into attack mode just stay cool and answer with more "I" statements, such as, "I am just saying how I feel, and I am entitled to my feelings." There is a power in being quietly assertive. Just don't get drawn into a finger pointing argument. If she raises her voice, lower yours and make another "I" statement.
serial muse Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Hey Robert, I'm really wondering about the connection between this problem -- her need to travel constantly, which does seem excessive -- and the issue with your girlfriend's weight. So...seriously, what's going on in her life? She's an emotional eater, she's anxious enough to want to get away from her life constantly, and she gets really really anxious (= really really angry, which is the anxiety talking, I'm guessing) when this need is thwarted. She is having serious anxiety issues. The only question is whether there is a specific trigger for this, or if this is a longer-term thing. Has she been in counseling? What do you know of what might be driving this anxiety of hers? I think it's a bit of a mistake to look at these things as separate issues. It seems pretty clear that they're related, and the underlying issue is that your girlfriend is very, very anxious about something(s). Also, I want to add that it doesn't sound to me like she was "faking" anything. Sounds more like she wanted to be content, and was content, with hanging out at home with you, but in the end, her need to get away became stronger. Or maybe whatever she's trying to suppress - whatever's causing her to emotionally eat/want to escape - became more prominent for her, for some reason. I'm not saying you have to put up with moodiness, but if you want to be with her, it's probably worth ferreting out the root of all of this. Edited March 8, 2013 by serial muse
Quiet Storm Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 In the beginning of a relationship, there is the "honeymoon" phase. This is when you are just happy being in each other's presence. You will feel happy and in love whether you are on a romantic trip or cleaning out the garage. Now it has settled into a more comfortable kind of love. Sitting next to you on the couch isn't as exciting as it used to be. It sounds like she just isn't content with that kind of life. She needs new experiences to recharge her battery, so to speak. Basically, you two are just incompatible when it comes to the things you like to do. You can either break up and find a woman you are compatible with. You can stay together and each do your own thing. Or you can compromise and do things that you both like, together. Maybe agree to occasional trips or weekends so that she can "recharge" and "destress". 3
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Robert, the key to being assertive without being offensive and triggering an argument is using "I" statements and avoid using the word "you." It's ok to soften statements a bit by making them tentative. For example saying, "I feel that we may have different styles with regard to saving." If you're stating your feelings simply as your feelings then she can't really take issue because you are entitled to your feelings. As long as you are saying "I feel," and aren't underhandedly pointing fingers at her you can say what you need to say. Be prepared though, because she's not used to you being assertive. She may get frustrated when you make statements that she cannot disagree with. If she goes into attack mode just stay cool and answer with more "I" statements, such as, "I am just saying how I feel, and I am entitled to my feelings." There is a power in being quietly assertive. Just don't get drawn into a finger pointing argument. If she raises her voice, lower yours and make another "I" statement. Good point. I may try using "I" statements next time I have those conversations with her. I guess she won't shout or get angry, but perhaps she may be sad or stop talking to me. But I'll give it a try. Thanks!
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hey Robert, I'm really wondering about the connection between this problem -- her need to travel constantly, which does seem excessive -- and the issue with your girlfriend's weight. So...seriously, what's going on in her life? She's an emotional eater, she's anxious enough to want to get away from her life constantly, and she gets really really anxious (= really really angry, which is the anxiety talking, I'm guessing) when this need is thwarted. She is having serious anxiety issues. The only question is whether there is a specific trigger for this, or if this is a longer-term thing. Has she been in counseling? What do you know of what might be driving this anxiety of hers? I think it's a bit of a mistake to look at these things as separate issues. It seems pretty clear that they're related, and the underlying issue is that your girlfriend is very, very anxious about something(s). Also, I want to add that it doesn't sound to me like she was "faking" anything. Sounds more like she wanted to be content, and was content, with hanging out at home with you, but in the end, her need to get away became stronger. Or maybe whatever she's trying to suppress - whatever's causing her to emotionally eat/want to escape - became more prominent for her, for some reason. I'm not saying you have to put up with moodiness, but if you want to be with her, it's probably worth ferreting out the root of all of this. She was always an anxious person. Everything makes her anxious. She has always had overweight issues; now it's just getting worse. I think that, after so many years eating unhealthily, her body just can't take it anymore. Cumulative effect. She's no more anxious than she was 10 years ago; she doesn't eat more than she used to 10 years ago. The only thing that changed was the flow of time.
Author Robert P Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 In the beginning of a relationship, there is the "honeymoon" phase. This is when you are just happy being in each other's presence. You will feel happy and in love whether you are on a romantic trip or cleaning out the garage. Now it has settled into a more comfortable kind of love. Sitting next to you on the couch isn't as exciting as it used to be. It sounds like she just isn't content with that kind of life. She needs new experiences to recharge her battery, so to speak. Basically, you two are just incompatible when it comes to the things you like to do. You can either break up and find a woman you are compatible with. You can stay together and each do your own thing. Or you can compromise and do things that you both like, together. Maybe agree to occasional trips or weekends so that she can "recharge" and "destress". It was a great insight. I appreciate it. I really don't need to travel in order to relax or have fun. Before meeting her, I spent years without getting out of town. And I was feeling great. I don't have problems travelling with her a few times. Once or twice a year. What bugs me is that she wants to travel everywhen she can. It's like an addiction. And those travels, you know, cost money. We spent fortunes in tickets, hotels, food... You have the picture.
LadyGrey Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This! You talk as if she tricked you and you resent it. As QS said, in the honeymoon stage, just being with each other is enough, but that passes. Now is the time to figure out how much you both can compromise or decide it's not worth it. Your call. In the beginning of a relationship, there is the "honeymoon" phase. This is when you are just happy being in each other's presence. You will feel happy and in love whether you are on a romantic trip or cleaning out the garage. Now it has settled into a more comfortable kind of love. Sitting next to you on the couch isn't as exciting as it used to be. It sounds like she just isn't content with that kind of life. She needs new experiences to recharge her battery, so to speak. Basically, you two are just incompatible when it comes to the things you like to do. You can either break up and find a woman you are compatible with. You can stay together and each do your own thing. Or you can compromise and do things that you both like, together. Maybe agree to occasional trips or weekends so that she can "recharge" and "destress".
Els Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I'm not sure where the 'we don't have money' comes into this if you're not living together and (hopefully) don't have joint finances in that case? If she wants to go somewhere that you really don't want to pay for, just tell her nicely that she's welcome to pay for it? You should only pay for something if you want to. And if you're not paying for it, how is the expense an issue? As for travelling, why does she not want to travel on her own if she really wants to and you don't? You don't need to go everywhere together. IMO the issue here is not that she likes travelling and eating at nice restaurants, but that you feel compelled to do things you really don't want to do to placate her.
Author Robert P Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 This! You talk as if she tricked you and you resent it. As QS said, in the honeymoon stage, just being with each other is enough, but that passes. Now is the time to figure out how much you both can compromise or decide it's not worth it. Your call. I still have to figure out what can be changed and what cannot. Something to do with boundaries.
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