mtnbiker3000 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 My ex (28) and I (38) moved very quickly. We dated briefly over T-Day 2009 but then quickly stopped mostly due to me being a turd and falling for her, but then backing away because I couldn't handle it. NC for 2 months. Then in Jan 2010, we started hanging out again. And, she was 'staying' with me within days and 'living' together shortly after that. Looking back, I realize she does jump into things very quickly. There are other examples. But I was good with that because this is the best girl I have ever dated. I actually can't believe she wanted to date me?! Now, the first 8 to 10 months were pure bliss. I look at the photos from then and it was all smiles, kissing and love. Was so sure this was going to be different. So physically attracted to each other. So much in common (both teachers at the same school), good sexual chemistry (not the best, but 7.5 or 8 out of 10 anyway). Spent all the time together and were good friends too. Just seemed to click on every level. I know, rose-colored glasses, right? Throughout year 2, it stayed mostly great, even popped the question and put a ring on her finger. That felt so awesome. Something I wasn't sure if I would ever want to or would be able to do. About half way through year 2 we were forced to move from a larger city to a small town due to job cuts. Not sure if it was because of this change, or just happened coincidentally, but started to have more and more silly arguments and uncover more and more incompatibility. Maybe partly due to the fact that we had no support structure in this new town. Just me and her. Now, me being so smitten, I didn't see the strain that was starting to build, or if I did, I didn't care. I was determined to keep this great relationship going. She on the other hand was starting to pull back. In June 2012 (year 3), she left me for 2 weeks (including her birthday) to visit friends. It was by text while I was at work and was sudden - that day! This was really hard and really hurt me. And I really didn't even understand why she was so upset and needing to do this (we didn't communicate very well at all). Just earlier that week, we had a great time at the county fair and I didn't even know she was upset (a recurring theme with us). Well, she eventually returned and we worked through it, but looking back, I don't think we really did. The fuse was lit. Now, I am an extreme left brain person, and she an extreme right (very, very talented artist and creative thinker). This difference has always led us to disagreements and miscommunication. Which I would then try to address/fix/solve (left brain), while she would just back away. Then she would always accuse me of being controlling and critical. Probably true. And I would always complain that she didn't invest in our relationship or our home very much (cooking, cleaning, fixing, bill paying, etc...). I felt like I carried the majority of that weight. This intern created more and more tension. Kind of a viscous circle. We had also recently realized we have different / changed goals. She wants to move closer to her friends and family, and does not seem to include me in this plan. By the end of year 3, Dec 2012 / Jan 2013, she is totally withdrawn. We have absolutely no intimacy, physical or sexual contact. We are still nice to each other and do things together, but more as friends than anything else. I realize she is pushing me away, and wants out of the relationship but won't or can't pull the trigger. I confront her about her feeling towards me and she confirms my suspicions. Ouch! This person I have loved and has, at least at some point, loved me, now no longer wants me in their life. Again, ouch!! We are still living in the same house until next Friday (3/15/2013)… I thought I was wiser than this. Thought I wouldn't let myself get caught like this again. Now I am devastated. I am hurting. I feel crippling heart-break, rejection and loneliness. How did this happen? Did I treat her too good? Too many 'I love you's'? Did I make her feel to secure - no challenge? I was definitely way more into her than she was to me, especially in years 2 and 3… Did she just grow weary of our increasing incompatibility? Was it the age difference? Did I unknowingly hurt her too many times? Did I not listen to her carefully enough (she did complain about this one too)? Was it anything I did or didn't do or did the relationship merely run its course? I really don't think there is anyone else. Think she just wants to work on herself without me there… I dunno. Just know the next few months (at least) are going to S U C K!!! Stuck in a new town by myself
destroyed4sho Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Why dont you ask her Why? Ask her "when did her.unhappiness first start". This maybe your last chance....so might as well.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Well, I think we are passed that Probably didn't describe it well to begin with, but she basically stated she didn't love me any more and that the relationship seemed 'forced' to her and she 'just couldn't do it any longer'. I don't really want any details beyond this. Like I eluded to earlier, this has been building for some time (probably 6 or 8 months or longer), and I think trying to find out exactly why is moot, and will probably just upset me more. The bottom line is it is over... I think I understand it OK, just wanted to vent and see if anyone might have some insight I was unaware of is all
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Probably wants to end it because she feels I am constantly criticizing her, won't listen to her and treat her like a child. I have a bad habit of interrupting her when she is speaking to me because I want to relate to what she is saying. But that only infuriates her. Also, I am a perfectionist and a realist, and regularly point out things I see as BS or not right... I know, something to work on, right? I never meant to direct it at her though... She just took it as criticism.
GG3 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Probably wants to end it because she feels I am constantly criticizing her, won't listen to her and treat her like a child. I have a bad habit of interrupting her when she is speaking to me because I want to relate to what she is saying. But that only infuriates her. Also, I am a perfectionist and a realist, and regularly point out things I see as BS or not right... I know, something to work on, right? I never meant to direct it at her though... She just took it as criticism. Why were you doing this? Sounds as though you genuinely feel bad about it. That's a good thing. I don't know too many perfectionists or critical people the realize they shouldn't be doing that.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Half the time I didn't realize I was doing it. But she would let me know. And I would try not to for a while. But then I would catch myself doing it again. Wish I could have stopped this behavior. But, on the other hand, not sure that would have really had too much effect on the outcome I am now facing. I dunno. Too much to think about and analyze... It is what it is, I guess...
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