frogprinz29 Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 This post is about me sort of venting in writing. I don't know if any of you have been in my shoes or are currently. How many out there still love their x? Or wish they could turn back the clock to re-do or fix things in the relationship. I have loved the same woman for about 9 years (and I still lover her). We had broken up several times but we were able to pull back together somehow. Each time we broke up we would end up holding each other and crying so hard. I felt as though I were losing my best friend and lover forever. We shared many laughs and many tears together. We've mended each other and hurt each other. I've never felt so safe, loved, and strong with a person. Yet at times I felt unwanted, unappreciated, and pushed aside. She is the most beautiful woman to me. I can still hear her laughter, picture her wonderfully beautiful smile and her beautiful hazel eyes. Her eyes are amazing. They seemed to always change color throughout the day. Her eyes would sometimes turn sort of green at times or look even yellow. Even puffy and full of tears, her eyes were still beautiful after watch tear jerking movies. Her wonderful smile caught my eyes at first as well as her personality. I remember her being very shy in the beginning and I would tease her for it. What really hooked me is our first hug. It's intention was innocent between two platonic work friends, but it through me for a loop. Her height was perfect for me. Her head just fell on my chest or shoulder when we hugged or held each other. She leaned into me when we had our first hug. I had not been with someone for two years prior to deciding to date her. I have hugged a few other women in those two years, but none could even come close to how this woman felt in my arms, and made me feel. It was like two puzzle pieces fitting snuggly together. I remember thinking about her the rest of the day. It still took me several weeks after that to gain the courage to ask her out. I ended suggesting that we could take her young daughter and my young cousin to a movie. We could all hang out and make it casual. It was pretty chicken of me. We ended up going out for about 3 months before our first kiss. I was able to get that in a sly, chicken sort of fashion too. Her lips felt soooo good. It was the perfect kiss to me. I couldn't stop kissing her. We ended up making out all night until the sun came up and the birds started chirping. We made out, caressed each other, and grinded our bodies together in the hall, against the walls, on the couch, and on the floor. It was still sometime after that before we made love. I can remember how entrancing her smell was to me (and still is). I love smelling her hair and skin when I got the chance to hold her. Her skin is so soft, smooth, and warm. How I love feeling her skin touching mine. I love touching and holding her. Our personalities seemed to match up pretty well. We are homebodies but love going out to eat, see movies, or going on outdoor excursions. I wish we had gone on more road trips together. Looking back, I wish that I was able to take her away more often. Just the two of us to be together. I have a pretty small family, but we aren't very close nor do we keep in touch very well. Her family is somewhat large and pretty close. I never really felt accepted into her family, although her mother and sister-in-law did make me feel welcome. It's nice to get close enough with someone to the point of where there's nothing in the world too stupid or too silly that you would do in the presence of that person. She would either just roll her eyes and shake her head while covering her eyes and smile, or bust out laughing at my antics. One time we switched sides on the bed. I think she wasn't feeling too well and had to be closer the the bathroom. I always held her throughout the night when we slept. Being used to the one side of the bed, I rolled over in my sleep to snuggle with her. Well, after switching sides she was now on my left rather than on my right. I took a roll right of the side of the bed in the middle of the night expecting to meet her body. She woke up startled and wondering what happened. I tried to recover as quick as I could to avoid too much embarrassment. I ended up telling her what happened and we shared what hell of a laugh and memory. I was very comfortable with being myself with her from the beginning. She would get me to watch theater, musicals, or watch TV shows. All of which I would get hooked on. I loved snuggling with her or rubbing her back, neck, and legs while we shared the couch. Sometimes I would act bothered by her requests for a neck rub, but that was part of my duty for being with her. I like how she doesn't drink or smoke. She could really dance though. I very much enjoyed her slow dances where her body was caressing mine. Well, I think I'll give ya'll a break for now and wrap this up later...night.
Papillon Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Love the ramblings... it sounds like you have more happy memories than sad ones, and that is inspiring. I don't know why you broke up, but it must have been pretty dramatic. I think your avatar is very appropriate, considering.
Author frogprinz29 Posted September 6, 2004 Author Posted September 6, 2004 Hi Fellow Shackers! Here I am again after about 4-5 hours of sleep. Thanks for the post-replies. I didn't really expect to get any with just the ramblin' I was doin'. It's funny how a person can think about and miss everything about the person they lost in a break up. I miss even the bothersome quirks my x had. Although she tried very hard, and did it well when she was able to, she wasn't a very organized person. Not to say that I really am. I like to think that I keep an organized mess though. We argued ample times about her not cleaning up after herself and her kid not cleaning up, (and her kid's boyfriend when he came into the picture). Wow I was so tired of cleaning up before I had a chance to cook. It bothered me even more that I had to clean up after her kid's boyfriend. She would leave clothes all over the bedroom and floor. Sometimes I complained that I couldn't see the carpet. We eventually compromised on keeping her clothes disorganized to her side of the bedroom. I think the large pile of clothes on the floor on her side of the bed saved me from serious injury when I rolled off of the bed. I even still miss unwadding her sox when I did the laundry. Damn that was irritating at first. I got used to it and eventually didn't mind it after awhile. I know in my heart that she tried to compromise with some things with regards to my wants or needs. As I mentioned earlier, We've mended each other and hurt each other. I know that I've done my share of hurting her. I see elderly people and sometimes have the chance talk with them. I'll find out that they've been together for 20, 30, or 50+ years. I'll kid with them and ask them how they did it, or ask the wife how she put up with him all these years. I'll get laughter and sighs as a response, and then they'll tell me how great it's been. They would confess some difficult times as well. That's something I truely wanted to achieve with my x. I knew that I wanted to grow old with her and love her until the day I died. I often told her that I hope that I would die of old age first, because I didn't know what I would do without her. I would imagine just wasting away waiting for the day to join her if she died of old age first. I just didn't know how to make it there with her. I have to break this off and get out for awhile...
Author frogprinz29 Posted September 7, 2004 Author Posted September 7, 2004 After my x and I had broken up, she had mentioned that she was thinking about puttin' herself out in the internet personals. I wanted to protest so badly, but it was a pill that I felt that I had to take. I felt helpless and all was hopeless for salvaging our relationship. She believes that if things were meant to be then they will happen. I checked a couple of the local internet personals just out of curiousity a couple of weeks ago to see if she would actually put herself on them. I didn't see her on them. I checked again last night. It was like time stood still when observed the screen scrolling up and my eyes met her picture. My heart sank. A part of me is terribly sad for I feel that the end is about to come to end itself. There is noway that I can save or salvage our relationship. The other part of me is somewhat happy for her. That she has come to the point of taking a shot at moving on. If I'm not destined to be the one to be with her, then I hope that she meets someone who will meet her needs and bring her happiness. Some friends of mine have told me that this is a strong sign that it's all over. She has made the move to go on without me. Some have said that it's not really over. She's just dating and her heart could still open up to me again if I were to prove that I could take care of her, meet her needs, and rebuild our relationship. Hopefully she would be able to do the same for me as well. I've been wanting to contact her sooo badly. There are so many creeps out there. Her daughter's father hit her several times when they were together. I think she had a couple of relationships after that. One of them had cheated on her, and another came really close to having an affair twice (which might as well have counted as cheating),before it was over . I want to just drop a "Hi. How are you doin? Would you like to go out on a date?" e-mail. I've been fighting it with all the will I can muster. I feel that I owe it to her to have an attempt to move on and find happiness. When our relationship first took off, it was amazing and blissful. I'm sure you all can relate the this feeling. I had been dumped, cheated on, and had no luck on the dating seen prior to meeting my x. I hadn't had a relationship for two years prior to meeting my x. When I felt that I was falling in love with her, I fought it as best that I could out of fear. The feeling of "Falling in Love" was just too overwhelming and this woman had made me feel it again. One day prior to going out, I told her that I had to tell her something. She had told me that I looked somewhat upset as if something were wrong. After some delay, I mustered out, "I think I'm falling in love with you". I was scared and relieved to have just said it. She smiled and started tearing up. I think I can recall holding and kissing each other. She never did tell me that she was "falling in love" with me. Now that I think of it, I never have heard her say "I'm in love with you".
pixie2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Why did you split up. (2nd time asking now... don't know if you want to tell us...)
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