Anyone break up b/c ex's kids did not like you?

[misswillow]

My bf broke up with me a few days ago because what he claims to be his own difficulties having a good relationship with his kids, and he says he doesn't want me to have to go through with the drama of all of this...fights with ex-wife over visitation, child support, etc. I know he is in a terrible place because his kids never want to visit him, and they only want to be with their mom (they are 6 and 8 and he's been divorced about 3 years, we were together almost 2.5).

 

I also believe that it bothers him that I did not develop a close relationship with the kids, and I think they have probably told him that they don't want me around. It's true we weren't close, but I'm not sure how I could be close to them when he wasn't himself. We never fought, I never disciplined them, I probably just didn't get involved in their lives as much as he would have liked. But I always felt like they didn't really want me around, although I did have some good times with his daughter. But she is also jealous of any attention he gives to me. I also think they resented that I tried to get him to discipline them more and institute some rules in our home.

 

He's done this before...decided that he needs to just focus on being a dad when things are going badly and not be in a relationship, but then he quickly realizes that he is miserable without me and he needs more to his life than just being a dad. But things have gotten even worse between him and the kids, and him and his ex-wife, very recently. So he decides to push away the one person who is there to support him...me.

 

Our breakup conversation took all of 5 minutes on the phone because I was so upset and I just wanted to end it. Now I regret that we did not talk more. I know I was probably putting too much pressure on him lately to see where I was going to fit in the kids' lives (he recently moved out to focus on time with them, because we decided we probably moved in together too soon and it was a shock to them, and I hadn't seen the kids at all since then), when he just needed to figure out where he was going to fit in with them. Within the past couple of weeks he has told me so many times how much he loves me, how lucky we are to have found each other and have a love most people will never have, and I'm the best person he ever met. That we are like magnets that can't stay apart. He also said we would have no problems if he didn't have kids because he and I get along so well together.

 

I know everyone says NC is the way to go, and I'm going to do that for a while. I tried calling him the day after we broke up but he didn't answer or call back (I didn't leave a message). I know when he gets like this he can become very cold and distant, which he has told me in the past he does to get through it. But I really feel like I have more to say to him after 2.5 years, and I want to let him know that I will accept his decision if he's sure of it, but I don't agree because I think we have too much good to just let it go. And I want him to know that I also will continue to work on my relationship with his kids because these things don't automatically work...it takes time and effort, but he can't let his children run his life.

 

Any words of wisdom from someone who has been through something similar (or hasn't) would be appreciated. My heart is so very broken right now, I don't know how I can ever heal. And I feel like I will always wonder what could have been if I don't give it one last try...then at least I could be sure that this is still what he really wants after things have settled down and try to move on.

 

Thanks for reading my novel!

Edited March 8, 2013 by misswillow

[SharkTooth]

Yeah, kids are a very difficult subject. I was sort of the opposite with my ex. Super involved with her kid, did everything with him, and was becoming a family. Then my son came to live with me permanently. Sorry, I don't want to get in to that long story. One thing we should have done in the beginning is to discuss each others roles and expectations of the kids, then discuss with the kids. We sort of just "winged" it and as it turned out, didn't give ourselves very much of a chance. My son was in shock from moving away from his world and I simply told her to give him a little time. Bad move on my part. The 4 of us never talked about him coming in to our lives. In turn, it ruined our relationship.

 

So maybe that will help. I know it would have helped us.

[misswillow]

Sharktooth, I think the same problem has happened with us. We never really discussed my role, and never really discussed it with his kids. I think he felt that because his kids were young, they'd be fine with everything as long as things were fun. But it didn't really work out that way. Things are always so much clearer in retrospect...

 

I just went and read through a few of your posts and your situation has some similarities. I felt similar to how your ex must have felt, especially the part about how she felt uncomfortable coming home from work. I would feel anxiety as I came home if the kids were going to be there because I knew I would have to try so hard with them, and basically receive nothing in return. I often would walk in and cheerily say hello to them, and they would say nothing - not even so much as look up at me. It's an awful feeling. And my ex and I even decided to not live together so he could spend more time with them, which worked for about two months, until he changed his mind. That sounds a lot like your situation, except in my case, even though I was the uncomfortable one, I wanted to stick with it to make it work. Maybe they both felt that they didn't really want to go backwards in the relationship, and there was not much hope of it working out in the long run. I don't really know, all I can do is speculate. But I see that your breakup happened longer ago than mine, so I hope you are starting to feel stronger now.

Edited March 8, 2013 by misswillow

[SharkTooth]

Sure does sound familiar. Yeah, I'm getting on. She wanted to remain friends but I told her I couldn't be that right now. Maybe down the road. The sad and hardest part is we were like crazy in love. To this day, I can't even say or write the reason for that love to go away even though I know what did it. I will protect my son from that forever.

 

I wonder what she would recommend for you. Like you said, everything became much clearer after the BU. I think if she was like you, and wanted to try to make it work, it probably wouldn't have worked. After all, I really didn't know my son in the day to day life and the time we have spent together has been priceless. That wouldn't have happened being with her, or at least it would have been very difficult trying to make everyone happy at the same time. So maybe your ex really needs to get his relationship with his kids together before thinking about love with you. That could be the stress he is running way from with you. There is a lot of pressure going on there. I do know that I would have eventually lost it because I was very uncomfortable in the end knowing how everyone sitting at the dinner table felt.

 

I really do wish you the best. Some more thoughts are coming in to my head but I've got to run.

[misswillow]

I know that crazy in love feeling. We would talk about it all the time. Just a couple of weeks ago he reminded me of a wedding we went to about a year ago, where he told me all these wonderful things...how I was the love of his life, he was going to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. And he said he thinks about that night a lot and still feels exactly the same way now. It's just hard to accept, which I'm sure you know. But he also said recently that he felt like he was living two separate lives - one with his kids, and one with me. I told him that's because he was, and it was clear that I wasn't happy about it.

 

I think I must be one of those hopeless romantics that think that as long as two people really love each other, there has to be a way to make it work. But I suppose both people have to feel that way.

 

Would you have been willing to continue in a relationship with your ex that was more separate until your son was older and moved out? Instead of trying to make a family situation work? I feel like I would have been willing to do that with my ex, but I also wonder if I would have felt I was sacrificing something, i.e., a chance to really share a life with someone. And obviously he didn't really want that either.

 

Thanks for sharing a bit about your situation with me. It's nice to talk to someone who has been through a similar situation....and is a little bit ahead in the healing process. I feel like I may never get there myself. I see a whole weekend ahead of trying to stop myself from calling or texting, and feeling devastated that he hasn't called me (of course I can't help but remember that when this has happened before, he has come back within a week or so, and tomorrow will be a week). I am not yet ready to force myself to try and go out and do things I don't really want to do, so instead I will just snuggle with my dog.

[Compromize]

I in am basically the same kind of situation where she has flat out told me that she will never live together with our kids. She also said that she would be perfectly happy just seeeing each other when we can and eventually integrate our kids into the relationship again but no overnight stays with our kids. She is unjustifiabley worried about her young daughter being abused or exposed to things by my 2 boys, who are for the most part normal in behavior and disposition. She (my ex) went through some things as a young teenage girl with a guy that left her over the top worried about sexual abuse. I can understand why.

 

It kills me to think that just a few months ago we were looking at houses to move into together and a real future in a real relationship and now my kids and I don't deserve a chance at that because she has changed her mind and let her worries and concerns win.

 

I am not willing to live 2 separate lives and sleep alone for 95% of the time for the next 10 years until my kids are old enough to move out. I don't want that and she says that I don't love her as much as she loves me because I am not willing to wait for her like she is for me. Still crazy about her and in love with her to the max but we don't have a life together and the future is me and my kids and any woman that doesn't want to be a part of our lives doesn't deserve to have any of my time and hope you all feel the same!

 

Our kids and what we can provide them (and that includes seeing is happy with a stable,mutual loving relationship) come first and foremost. I'm sure my ex-GF feels the same way though but for us it means walking away from each other. Love didn't really make a damn bit of difference.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Compromize

[misswillow]

Hi Compromize,

 

I read a little bit of your situation before you even posted here and it's very sad. With your case, your ex seemed as if she didn't want to be part of your kids' lives, and with mine, he seemed to have decided that he didn't want me to be (after we tried and he didn't think it went well). I didn't want to live separate lives, but I would have considered doing it to stay with him (he only has the kids a couple of nights a week, so it wouldn't be as often as your situation would have been). But I really wanted a life with us together, and I would have continued to try with the kids. We were also looking at houses, and came really close to buying one but it fell through for other reasons. I often wonder if we would still be together if we had bought it.

 

It hurts me that my ex wasn't willing to let me keep trying with the kids. I'm not a bad or unstable person...at most I was just too quiet or awkward around them. But I was always trying...buying books to see how to handle the situation, asking him what he thought I should to do make it better, etc. And to be honest, I never really saw why he thought it was so bad. Yes, I didn't treat them like my kids, but they weren't. I understand that they should come first for him, but I wasn't someone that would be bad for them in the long run, not any worse than any other woman who would be with their dad.

 

As for your ex, her decision seems unfortunate, but I guess she had her reasons based on past experience. I can imagine her worries about your boys must have hurt you a lot. I wish I knew how there was some way to just accept this and move on, I feel like I am dying inside wanting to talk to him about it sometimes, and make him understand that he shouldn't have given up.

[Compromize]

Misswillow, I am so very sad to hear your story and I think it hurts even worse when it's not a lack of love that ends up being the reason we are not with them anymore but extenuating circumstances that destroy the relationship. It sounds like you gave it a try, and to me it sounds like you went about it the right way. You did not treat them like your kids, because they were not.

 

My kids are the biggest part of my life and a huge part of any relationship the I am in. My ex-GF has/had the same expectations and knew of mine and the really crappy part is our kids really really enjoyed hanging out with each other and we went on a few overnight trips together and overnights at each others houses so I do not fully understand this all.

 

It does hurt that she basically in her (in my opinion) warped perception/way of thinking views my wonderful boys as threats, to be held away at arms length like we are "bad" for her and her kids or something. Breaks my heart because my boys really did love her and miss her and her little girl misses them and misses me as do I. I will never fully understand her way of thinking and she said she would like for us to see a therapist together to talk about her issues she has but then said she can never get over the fear so she still would never want to live together with our kids. Kills me to think she will now find some guy without kids so she won't have to confront her fears and he gets to live the dream I had of waking up to her everyday. Like a nice swift kick to the stomach to think about that.

 

I guess the only thing we can do is feel good that we tried, you had the right intentions and sounds like you were going about it and he just did not give you the chance.

 

Here's to someone better out there for us both! Sending you a hug!

[creighton0123]

Willow: First of all, I'm so sorry. People can be stupidly complicated. Children have an excuse, but I often find that adults often make the world so much more complicated than it needs to be.

 

Instead of sitting down with his children and explaining to them the reality of who you are and how happy he makes you, he chose instead to push you away as a way to "become a better father".

 

The reason he is having trouble as a father seems quite clear to me: He isn't good at communication and never has been. That's perhaps the reason his first relationship went down the tubes.

 

Dating someone with children from a previous relationship can be challenging, but doing so requires some part of decorum and maturity for both parties and it would seem, in your case, that was lacking on his side.

[misswillow]

Willow: First of all, I'm so sorry. People can be stupidly complicated. Children have an excuse, but I often find that adults often make the world so much more complicated than it needs to be.

 

Instead of sitting down with his children and explaining to them the reality of who you are and how happy he makes you, he chose instead to push you away as a way to "become a better father".

 

The reason he is having trouble as a father seems quite clear to me: He isn't good at communication and never has been. That's perhaps the reason his first relationship went down the tubes.

 

Dating someone with children from a previous relationship can be challenging, but doing so requires some part of decorum and maturity for both parties and it would seem, in your case, that was lacking on his side.

 

Thanks, I agree with you. He is very messed up about the whole thing.

[Compromize]

Broke NC today (would have been a week and a day today) to see if we worked on the kids situation with both of us having an open mind and taking it day by day again and ended up practically begging for her back. Lord knows I have no power when it comes to wanting that woman. I have never let anyone have that kind of power or control (or loss of it) like she has over me. Feel OK that I at least said what I needed/wanted to say and that it also was about the kids but more about leaving it where that part of the relationship is and just focusing on us and being together. Admittedly I wanted more than that and that is the main reason why we are not together right now and might end up truly going our separate ways.

 

I want this woman and her kids in my kids and my life and I let her know that numerous times. I feel foolish for some of the things I said today, feels like I groveled but part of it was fighting for us too. I wish she fought for us like I do.

 

How many relationships have failed because those of us that love our kids and put them first waited until the time was right and when everything wasn't perfect and obstacles came up both people didn't see it the same way and one side felt "called out" or "not as good" as the other and it lead to the demise? Part of me wishes we would have rushed things a little more and moved in together long ago. We would have if it was my decision. She even told me that if we would have already lived together when the things came up that caused the issues with my children that we would have just worked through it together. Instead, we are not together.

 

Feeling low tonight and I had a great weekend with my kids but I miss her like crazy. I am going forward with NC in a different way. Not to shut her out completely, she means way more to me than that. But forward with the realization that no matter how bad I want her or how hard I fight for us, that I need to just be calm. Be patient. I have caused more harm than good by being impatient. Let things be the way they are and just enjoy what I have. Even if we never get back together she will always live inside me. She opened up my heart and I truly felt for the first time in my life. I wish she would respond but I am going to be OK even if she doesn't. Hurts like hell though. If we didn't have kids we would have been living together right now but our paths didn't cross until much later in life. Sigh. If I had one wish it would be her and our kids together.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Compromize

[misswillow]

Compromize,

 

I know how hard this is for you, I am feeling the exact same way. I am on Day 10 of NC now, and it feels worse than ever. I know I have to break NC eventually because of some financial stuff we have to work out, but I don't know when to do it and I know how hard it will be. I feel like at that time I will have to write him a short note just to let him know some of the feelings I am having because I don't know think that I can just move on without explaining to him some of my feelings about the kid situation.

 

I feel like my ex was looking for a perfect situation with the kids...that maybe some woman would come along that his kids would love so much, that it would make them want to be with him more too. I feel like that is a fantasy. I don't think it's ever going to be perfect when there is a separation between the two parents and another man/woman comes into the picture. But I also feel that if the two adults love each other and are willing to work at it, you shouldn't stop trying. I beat myself up similarly because my ex and I almost bought a house, but then I felt that we weren't ready financially, so it was my decision not to do it. Now I feel like we still would be together if we had just done that, but obviously a house or living together does not ensure that someone will stay with you.

 

My ex and I did live together for almost two years, and we still ended up not together. So don't beat yourself up over not living together when you weren't ready. She may have been unhappy in that situation as well and would have decided it wasn't working. All you can do is let her know how you feel, which you have done, and then let what happens happen.

[Compromize]

Misswillow,

 

I painfully understand your situation. At least you got to live together, I wanted that so much that when she said it would never happen with our children living together that my whole world fell apart. It was brutal. Then she gave me hope for a few months only to crush it again. Have not seen her since the weekend after Valentine's Day, which we did not nor have ever spent together in the 4 years together. I did break NC but it was her telling me she loved me and missed me that made me cave. Didn't do any good, she thinks that if I loved her enough that none of this should matter and I shouldn't have any problem waiting the 10 years or so until our kids move out to actually live together. Sometimes I think she's right. But most people say I am crazy for thinking that way, that if she really loved me she would get through her unjustified fears and insecurites.

 

I also feel that if two adults truly love each other, they should both work together to make a life together a reality. Her fears hurt me to the core, makes me feel like my kids and I are not worthy. My kids are wonderful!!! They are loving and sweet and kind, I don't understand her thinking. It kills me to know that no matter what I/we do that I will never have that dream. With her. That's the part that I am trying to hold onto. There is some wonderful woman out there that wants the same thing as I do. I just want someone to share my life with. And passion!

 

It sounds like our stories are not uncommon. We need to stay strong, you are farther along the path than I am but I do not need to contact her anymore. I have told her how I feel and asked for us to really work on things. She said she's not ready to answer that. That's where I am at. To me that is answer enough for now.

 

I think you made a very wise decision in not buying a house. Can you imagine how much more difficult it would have been trying to sell a house (in this market!) and going through a break-up not of your choosing? It might have meant staying together longer but under crappy circumstances. I feel like they left us, they would have ultimately left us anyway regardless of what else we would have done. Two people that love each other and want to be together work on things. Love each other. Mutually compromise and work on common goals together. I think that is a secret of lasting love is working toward goals together, spending time together. And lots of physical love. Without these things you lose each other.

[Compromize]

Isn't that what most of us are on here to do? Thanks for the sound advice. Good thing it's free.