salparadise Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I logged back on but this is going to be my last post today. I'm just exhausted. All I want to say is that Matt is not the bad guy here. He's the man I love and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess to add to all my other mistakes, I should not have called him nice or sweet or whatever. I guess to some that leaves the impresssion he's insecure and manipulating. That is just so not true. I was actually very flattered that he had limited experience in the bedroom. I actually really really liked that! Also, about Joe. He is a user and I was incredibly dumb enough to get used. It was all about sex for him. And worse it was all about "ass." And I foolishly thought it would lead to something and it didn't. I am just so mad at myself cause he was beyond a mistake and i just let it happen again and again. So when people here say "Joe is the hero" in all this, it kinda hurts and makes me feel even worse. And it's not like I wanted him around after we stopped our non-relationship. His parents have been friends with mine for a very long time. I just figured I'd let sleeping dogs lie. And I believe Matt when he said Joe made "comments" to him. Joe is just bad news. He is not a hero. You know, I know it'll sound pathetic, but if there is any hero it's my Matt. Jessie, I think it's incredibly unfortunate that there are so many harsh, judgmental posts in this thread and that people feel the need to label, and decide for you what you should feel and do. I know this is really hard for you, so just try to rise above the noise and keep the faith that things will work out. It's good that you recognize that Matt is not at fault. You aren't either. You used your best judgement and did what you felt you must with full realization of the potential fallout. It has been complicated all along. You are not to blame for having had previous sexual experiences, or for not disclosing it to Matt early on. When you first start dating someone you aren't under any obligation to tell all the details of your past, and as you progress there is never a definite time when it becomes a necessity. Really, your only mistake was in agreeing to tell Matt if the two of you encountered any of your ex's. Had it not been for that agreement, which was further complicated by the fact that Joe was still hanging around, that he's a jerk and Matt dislikes him, and that he was making sideways comments, it probably wouldn't have been necessary. But you called it as you saw it, decided that disclosure was necessary, and in every way did the best you could. It's not insecurity on Matt's part that is the problem, I don't believe. It's his somewhat puritanical notions about marrying a "good girl" that's tripping him up. Most of us have been like this to one degree or another. It's something we learn early in life, and something we learn to get past as we mature. I attribute it more to his inexperience and the fact that he hasn't had to resolve this dichotomy in his mind previously. I think he needs to talk to some who is older, has more perspective and life experience. Talking to the right person could help him realize that he'd be foolish to throw away a wonderful relationship over this situation, which really amounts to projecting unrealistic expectations onto you and feeling betrayed that you didn't live up to the idealized fantasy with regard to what a woman who is marriage material ought to be. Seeing a professional counselor could help him resolve his feelings. If I were his friend I would be telling him he needs to be thankful he is loved by someone who cares enough, and is wise enough, to disclose this piece of information to protect his feelings and the integrity of the relationship/marriage in the future. If you know of an appropriate person, consider enlisting their help. Otherwise, ask Matt about seeing a counselor. I'm hoping it all works out for you two and am optimistic that it still can. 1
MrNate 2.0 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I have the same reservations but it doesn't hurt to advise anyway - someone going through the same issue may read anyway. You already know my sentiments on this thread.
StanMusial Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Given the number of threads started about this topic recently I have a hard time believing this is real. I have the same reservations but it doesn't hurt to advise anyway - someone going through the same issue may read anyway. It didn't ring true to me either. Every social circle I am/was involved in, any sort of hook-up, no matter how slight, was generally known throughout the group pretty quickly. That's not to say it's not possible to keep it completely secret, I just have serious doubts based on my own experience.
Author Jessie2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Not much new to say today but i logged on so I figured I'd post anyway. I didn't see Matt today but we did talk kind of briefly on the phone. It was awkward because what conversation there was, was pretty stilted. He is really angry at me and he's really hung up on the entire Joe thing and everything to do with Joe. He again and again is hung up on the fact that not only did I have sex with a guy he considers a "piece of s*** but I didn't tell him, and to make it worse I had anal sex with him. He's major pissed at me that we haven't done it like that. And now he figures in his head that everybody knows and is laughing at him. I'm thinking of calling Joe and giving him major s*** for first of all needling Matt all along - that's just lowest of the low. ALso, I want to find out if he's blabbed about us to others. I don't think so cause I think something would have come back to me if he had. I'm just not sure about calling Joe right now. Anyway, at least Matt and I are talking. I guess that's something
anne1707 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Don't speak to Joe. There is nothing to be gained from doing that - if he has talked, it's too late now. However if Matt were to find out that you spoke to Joe, that would very much weaken your chances of saving your relationship.
veggirl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Erm. Why would you tell him you had anal sex with Joe. This can't be real, no one would be that....unintelligent...right? Like your bf finds out you had sex with someone he hates so then you add that you had ANAL sex with the dude? ...Why? 1
CudLRoo Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Had to LOL a bit, seems Matt's main problem was not getting in first for the anal sex! I'm sure he'll come round but party people and squares tend to jar, you may have dodged a very boring bullet there. How on the money was I there? I should be on a stamp, I tell you! 2
iKING Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 How on the money was I there? I should be on a stamp, I tell you! You're a reading-into-a-situation pro and you don't even realize it. 1
Author Jessie2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 To veggirl, I never told Matt I had anal sex with Joe. When Matt started asking all sorts of questions the other day, that was one of them and in the moment I just hemmed hawed whatever. I never said yes. But Matt concluded that the answer was yes. Even today, I listened to it but didn't agree one way or the other. I guess I could tell him Joe and I didn't do "that"
CudLRoo Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 He seems far too fixated on having teh buttsechs with you. I thought it was supposed to be all about the love? Can't he just move on in regards to that subject, it really makes him seem a little small to me???
Desensitized Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Not much new to say today but i logged on so I figured I'd post anyway. I didn't see Matt today but we did talk kind of briefly on the phone. It was awkward because what conversation there was, was pretty stilted. He is really angry at me and he's really hung up on the entire Joe thing and everything to do with Joe. He again and again is hung up on the fact that not only did I have sex with a guy he considers a "piece of s*** but I didn't tell him, and to make it worse I had anal sex with him. He's major pissed at me that we haven't done it like that. And now he figures in his head that everybody knows and is laughing at him. I'm thinking of calling Joe and giving him major s*** for first of all needling Matt all along - that's just lowest of the low. ALso, I want to find out if he's blabbed about us to others. I don't think so cause I think something would have come back to me if he had. I'm just not sure about calling Joe right now. Anyway, at least Matt and I are talking. I guess that's something I'm sorry, but your engagement is over. Just try and move on, that's all you can really do. You should have been upfront about this from the very beginning. But oh well, life goes on. 1
iKING Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 it really makes him seem a little small That's a rather cruel assumption to make of her boyfriend there Roo. Honestly Jessie, give him time, if he can't move past this, then you can already see what would happen down the line should something else of displeasure arise. If he is able to move past it, distance yourself from Joe.
Nyla Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I was wild before I married, but I never knowingly slept with anyone in the same social circle so that I would not end up in a situation like yours. I couldn't bear the thought of men comparing sexual notes about me. My husband knows about my past. I hope that this experience that has taught you how destructive lies are to a relationship.
Nyla Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 You made him believe you are 'perfect' or perfect for him. Why you felt for that kind of guy, just behonest stop the lying. You dont need the right answers (this mind set is the source of your problem!!!) Be honest and why would you accept a guy that only loves an fake image of you? Have some self respect and more important have some respect for Math. Math is a school subject. Matt is the name of the OP's fiance. 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 How on the money was I there? I should be on a stamp, I tell you! It's that savantism 1
CudLRoo Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 That's a rather cruel assumption to make of her boyfriend there Roo. Honestly Jessie, give him time, if he can't move past this, then you can already see what would happen down the line should something else of displeasure arise. If he is able to move past it, distance yourself from Joe. Yeah, soz if it came out that way, I didn't mean the guy's BAD, it just seems a little juvenile to me when otherwise he seems to be coming across as some kind of white knight phenom, which is the main reason the OP is in love with him. He should stop mentioning it...and strike once the iron's hot! It's that savantism Bang right!
iKING Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yeah, soz if it came out that way, I didn't mean the guy's BAD, it just seems a little juvenile to me when otherwise he seems to be coming across as some kind of white knight phenom, which is the main reason the OP is in love with him. He should stop mentioning it...and strike once the iron's hot! I meant it in the literal sense, it was a joke. Agreed, however. I guess people are entitled to whatever they think they're entitled to, otherwise, whose going to convince them they're not? Whether you think you're wrong, or you think you're right, you're right. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Not much new to say today but i logged on so I figured I'd post anyway. I didn't see Matt today but we did talk kind of briefly on the phone. It was awkward because what conversation there was, was pretty stilted. He is really angry at me and he's really hung up on the entire Joe thing and everything to do with Joe. He again and again is hung up on the fact that not only did I have sex with a guy he considers a "piece of s*** but I didn't tell him, and to make it worse I had anal sex with him. He's major pissed at me that we haven't done it like that. And now he figures in his head that everybody knows and is laughing at him. I'm thinking of calling Joe and giving him major s*** for first of all needling Matt all along - that's just lowest of the low. ALso, I want to find out if he's blabbed about us to others. I don't think so cause I think something would have come back to me if he had. I'm just not sure about calling Joe right now. Anyway, at least Matt and I are talking. I guess that's something At least the lines of communication are open between you and Matt, that's a good thing. The first thing you need to do is cut Joe out of your life. Now. I read your posts with you arguing why you can't. I call bullshiat. If you were really in love you would be willing to do whatever it takes, including cutting out your social circle and telling your parents that you can't see Joe. If they can't oblige you, then you will have to limit contact with your family. Your actions so far show that you don't care that much about Matt, I'm sorry to say. I mean what concessions have you made for him? If Matt is really your one and only, then you need to show a willingness to forsake all others for his sake. If you're not, then stop crying. @Drseussgrrl: Actually, I truly hope this thread and others were made up. I mean it's effin sick that someone would ply the emotions of everyone here and all that, but I hate reading these stories. I'm definitely not rejoicing in Jesse's (and Matt's) pain, because I feel that Jesse sounds like she could be a really good partner. If she and her story are real that is... She (and to be honest many of the women on this board) just has a lot to learn about men and how we operate. RE understanding men: I also hope that you and the other women on here are at least considering the men's responses and how several of us are outraged for Matt's sake. Edited March 12, 2013 by Imajerk17
salparadise Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 the moment you decided to tell matt, you should have answered all of matts questions truthfully and fully. and no, just because your parents know joes parents does not force you into the same social circle as joe. Oh please, give me a friggin break... Going into detail and fixing those images in his head is a terrible idea. She should just say yes, that she slept with him and that's all he needs to know. He's already hung up about anal because of what he infers from her reaction, and she didn't even tell him. Jessie, don't give him the play by play, and don't talk to Joe. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It's how SOME guys operate. I've had my share of serious, loving relationships and discussing what we've done with other people never even occurred to either of us. It simply never mattered. It's seriously only on this website that I've seen it dissected to this extent. It's a huge waste of time and emotion. 1
lino Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 $100 says that when she knows things are definitely done with her partner, she'll get together with 'Joe' 2
lino Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Most people talk about their past with their SO's. More often than not, it's the woman that initiates this kind of talk but for the opposite reason... To see if her guy hasn't had too few partners. And of course, to the masses, that is A-OK 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) It's how SOME guys operate. I've had my share of serious, loving relationships and discussing what we've done with other people never even occurred to either of us. It simply never mattered. It's seriously only on this website that I've seen it dissected to this extent. It's a huge waste of time and emotion. Well, you probably don't keep the d-bags from your past around for no good reason as Jesse did. Nor do you lie about your past when probed as Jesse and the other women who wrote such threads have, and then have the truth come out a couple years later. These are the crucial details. It's unfortunate that so many women on here aren't getting this. I get that you women get defensive being judged, but it's not so much having a past that is a problem, it's the misrepresenting yourself. If a woman were to ask me about my dating history and I were to lie about it, then when she finds out the truth it would be quite reasonable for her to end the relationship for it. Something similar could be said if a guy lies about his job or income or whatever early on--her wanting to end the relationship when she finds out the truth doesn't make her a gold-digger. Edited March 12, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Most people talk about their past with their SO's. Why would anyone want to do something like that?
TheGuard13 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 and he's really hung up on the entire Joething and everything to do with Joe. He again and again is hung up on the factthat not only did I have sex with a guy he considers a "piece of s*** butI didn't tell him, and to make it worse I had anal sex with him. He's majorpissed at me that we haven't done it like that. And now he figures in his headthat everybody knows and is laughing at him. Yeah, nothing insecure about this guy… I'm thinking of calling Joe and giving him major s*** for first of all needlingMatt all along - that's just lowest of the low. Exactly how was he "needling" Matt? And about what? What IS their relationship, exactly? What exactly is your current relationship with him? You've been pretty vague about that whole thing It's not insecurity on Matt's partthat is the problem, I don't believe. It's his somewhat puritanical notionsabout marrying a "good girl" that's tripping him up. Umm…that’s an insecurity.
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