ltjg45 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Most of the people on this forum can't look at themselves and their own faults in the mirror and want to blame everyone but themselves. You weren't even in a relationship with Matt at the time so its really none of his business and therefor had no obligation to tell him. You emotionally murdered a "nice" guy with your past. That's BS. She is ENGAGED to Matt so, yes, they are definitely in a relationship. They was even set to get married so something tells me you can't read. So, yes, this is part of his business esp. if he is still within the couple's social circle. Also, like the OP states, Joe can tell Matt himself. I rather for him to tell Matt than for Joe to do so. As bad as this may be, if Joe did, things would end a lot worse than this. It's the lesser of 2 evils.
CudLRoo Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Well, at least it's all out in the open now. No more lies, hiding, I think you've done the honest thing, just let the dust settle and see how Matt does, at least he's been given a perspective now, and you have been 100% truthful to him, he should at least be respectful about that. It'll be a good test of his character, albeit a slightly unfair one. Who knows, he may go out and pound Joe and get REAL alpha. Major fork in your life right now, good luck in how you go about dealing with it. 1
MrNate 2.0 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Seven pages going on eight. Well, op, you succeeded. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This thread is a perfect example why sharing sexual or relationship history is a bad idea. Don't ask, don't tell. 2
ltjg45 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This thread is a perfect example why sharing sexual or relationship history is a bad idea. Don't ask, don't tell. It wouldn't be necessary if Joe was cut off from their social circle, which he should have been from the get-go.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 It wouldn't be necessary if Joe was cut off from their social circle, which he should have been from the get-go. Probably. But even so, I wouldn't want to know who my girlfriend (if I had one) had sex with or a relationship with. Unless she's got kids living with her or something, I really don't want to know. Would you want to know?
aed Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) Probably. But even so, I wouldn't want to know who my girlfriend (if I had one) had sex with or a relationship with. Unless she's got kids living with her or something, I really don't want to know. Would you want to know? Yes I would want to know If I my gf had a relationship with a guy we both hang out. that is just fair. Also OP did made the same mistake most people do, when do need to confess something difficult, they minimize their action. Telling it was only sexual (and making your current bf think, and experience you are almost close to mother marian, is something that is wrong. Not wanting to know is already thinking you can't deal with that information. @OP I think you did the right thing, give matt some time. When he loves you will come around. If he doesn't you know he is not the right guy for you, and both of you will get hurt in the long wrong... The only thing he should be angry about is the lie (but telling it was only sexual, was not the best move, and probably dammage controle). Not your previous relationship with joe. Also about the fantasies and making him think you are also inexperienced on that part. Wait with telling that (but it will make an other crack in his trust) Edited March 9, 2013 by aed
twosadthings Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Jessie, You should have first cut Joe out of your life and then made it clear to your fiancee that you regretted your relationship with him. If Matt re-connects with you you shouldn't lie to him about your times with Joe but you might want to somehow tone them down. It is a good thing when two people who are married or engaged protect the feelings of their loved ones when it comes to previous sexual connections. There is never anything to be gained except an ego boost by being careless with talk or introductions to exes. You owe nothing to a previous boyfriend/girlfriend and everything to someone you want to share a life with. Good luck and don't give up on him, especially when he is hurting, Twosadthings
CudLRoo Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I have to be honest, if he's REALLY into you, he will come back. You just might be having some crazy arguments for a month or two, then sporadic ones once too much alcohol has been imbibed. Then yearly ones... He has to understand it was BEFORE he even arrived on the scene. It's weird, many guys LOVE watching women getting angrily gangbanged and bukkaked all over in porn yet expect the females they meet to be demure virgins, yet HOW many women has that guy seen getting ****ed in porn over the years? Maybe several thousand? It's such an odd state of denial, and - YES!!! - I've been guilty of being like this in the distantish past, but it's a MAD way of thinking, it's not just men who like to have sex, is it? I wouldn't ban porn but it doesn't half **** up certain people's expectations of adult life(!) Us guys are such buffoons, Jesus H.!!!!!! 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I salute you for doing the right thing. You are now going to have to cut Joe out of your life. Hopefully that will be enough for Matt. You have to understand that if you want to marry someone you need to foresake all others including your social circle. Hi everybody. Bad day yesterday. I took to heart all of your comments and suggestions so I decided to do the right thing and come clean. Matt and I went out for dinner last night and when we got back to his place I told him that I had something totell him. So I told him about the stupid fling I had with Joe. I think he was just stunned. He just kind of looked at me weird for a minute. He then started with an incredulous "you f-ed Joe?" He looked dazed andsad and I really didn't know how to react. Then all of a sudden there was alot of talk and he wanted all the stupid details - which I didn't really provide. He said he couldn't believe that I was one of Joe's "easy conquests." I then made the mistake of saying that it was only sexual. He cut me off and told me to go home. I didn't want to leave but Matt pushed it so I did. He just had this look on his face that I've never seen before. He never screamed or shouted though so maybe that's good. He hasn't called me today even though I've left him three voicemails and a bunch of texts. I don't know what to do. I can't believe that this sweet nice man who has treated me so perfectly and who I want to marry would leave me. What can I do? 1
dichotomy Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Hi everybody. Bad day yesterday. I took to heart all of your comments and suggestions so I decided to do the right thing and come clean. Matt and I went out for dinner last night and when we got back to his place I told him that I had something totell him. So I told him about the stupid fling I had with Joe. I think he was just stunned. He just kind of looked at me weird for a minute. He then started with an incredulous "you f-ed Joe?" He looked dazed andsad and I really didn't know how to react. Then all of a sudden there was alot of talk and he wanted all the stupid details - which I didn't really provide. He said he couldn't believe that I was one of Joe's "easy conquests." I then made the mistake of saying that it was only sexual. He cut me off and told me to go home. I didn't want to leave but Matt pushed it so I did. He just had this look on his face that I've never seen before. He never screamed or shouted though so maybe that's good. He hasn't called me today even though I've left him three voicemails and a bunch of texts. I don't know what to do. I can't believe that this sweet nice man who has treated me so perfectly and who I want to marry would leave me. What can I do? You have been honest. Major first step. Big kudos to you - well done. You have my advice on what to do to help repair this. I went through this - so I have experience. However, I think perhaps you are off to a bad first step here- you are putting this on Matt and not yourself I can't believe that this sweet nice man who has treated me so perfectly and who I want to marry would leave me. How about "I can't believe I lied to this sweet nice man, let my old sex partner hang out with him and me when I told him I would never do that, I can't believe how disrespectful I was, or how I let him think I believed the same things. Why would I do this to someone I loved and was about to pledge my life to? He has every right to be mad with me and want time alone." My point is this - if you are not going to be regretful and accountable for your actions - then your chance of repair is minimal. If you know - really know - this nice sweet man and what he deeply believes in (sex, drugs, porn, honesty, Jesus, eating meat, or whatever...) then you know what you need to do. Be the woman Matt wants to love - or move on. Edited March 10, 2013 by dichotomy 2
Estate Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I still don't get why the OP is being made feel bad or like she did something wrong? She did absolutely nothing wrong. This guy is upset about a little fling she had way before they even met... and he's flying off the handle. I feel really sorry for the OP, she sounds like a really decent honest person to want to confess all of this but it sounds horrible that she was made feel so bad about it and felt she HAD to. It's really tough, OP is clearly madly in love with her fiance and wants to be upfront, truthful and all those good things to her and he's treating her like crap for something that's not even her fault, or not even something she did wrong and certainly nothing she should be made feel bad about... I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you deserve so much better. The way you describe this guy he sounds terribly controlling and jedgmental and is WAY too lucky to have a really great girl. Neither has this Joe guy done anything wrong. Not once has the OP told us anything really bad he's done, he just hasn't been a relationship guy, something the fiance is holding him to against his own misguided standards. Whatever happens I hope it works out, if he's your fiance then there's way too much emotion involved but you deserve so much better. My advice normally, would be to not apologise, he needs to understand that HE is in the wrong for acting like the victim here... having said that, he's unlikely to see your viewpoint and will expect all the apologies so I don't even know what to tell you if you want to keep him around. The sad part is... going on his morals, if he DID end things, he'd be a total idiot. He'll soon learn that no girl will meet his "standards" and even less will do as much as the OP to try fit into them to please him and he'll come crawling back.
Djz05 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I have been on the receiving end of something similar. What I can tell you is that telling matt yourself is better than someone else (or worst, joe) telling him. As others have mentioned Matt needs time to think about this revelation. From what you have said about his reaction, that is actually quite a tame one (no shouting), but I dont know Matt personally so take that with a grain of salt. In my case I could have gotten over it if only she had been honest with me. She knew from the start that what I valued the most in a relationship was honesty, but when she kept lying to my face even after I saw for myself (and first learned about her indescretion from a 3rd party), that was the end of it. I know dropping a bomb of this magnitude is not easy to do. I do hope that thigs work out with you and Matt as it seems you really love him. Now he has to reconcile his image of you and your relationship with each other and hopefully be mature enough to see past your history and just love you for everything you are.
Kimbra Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Jessie, Your protests about why you can't get Joe out of your lives just doesn't reconcile with your stated feelings for your fiancee. If you want Matt, Joe has to go and being pro-active about how he goes may be the only way that you can keep your hoped for future alive. If Joe is a friend of the family once removed try to enlist your mother's help or at least explain to her why you are cutting him out of your life and by explain I mean tell her everything about your previous relationship with Joe. Furthermore, he has to stay gone for as long as you are connected to Matt. No facebook rememberings ten years from now, no catching up chats upon seeing him in the Stop and Shop, no Christmas cards and no broadcasts about how he's doing from your parents. Good luck, Twosadthings Agrees with this! Another option can be this. Just hang out with Joe at family/friend functions. Why feel the need to have Joe over at your place? I bet that would make your fiancé pretty uncomfortable. Especially more so after finding out your past involvement with him. I reckon he might be okay with it but be prepared to cut Joe out of the picture. That is probably what Matt's response will most likely be when you tell him about things. Hope it all works out for you. Edited March 10, 2013 by Kimbra
Mrlonelyone Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I know the op told Matt. This whole thing reminds me at an old song. Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison (1990) - YouTube
aed Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Hey, I'm ALL for honesty in a relationship when you've done something IN that relationship, then yes - be honest about it. I still think it was a mistake to share something from the PAST because it SERVES NO PURPOSE. And gee what a surprise, Matt now looks at the OP like she's some kind of dirt bag and is ignoring her. So what was the point in spilling her guts about the PAST - something she did when she didn't even KNOW Matt? Honestly, what the hell was the POINT? Well OP, you've learned the HARD way (like I had to) to keep your mouth SHUT about your sexual past. Most guys can't handle it. LEARN from this experience. This is like saying to a cheater that confessed and the BS is angry. See don't tell you only hurt them, what is the point..... also she lied in their relationship! he asked totell her if they would meet someone of her pas and she agreed! Matt the right to have his own requirements for being with someone, just as she has. also she lied and gave him the impression he and her would share first time experiences that she already did. how would you feel: you are going to marry you think it will also his first time to marry someone and you find out he has bin married 3 times before. Past is just past right? Edited March 10, 2013 by aed
Shocksock Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Just_A_Poster this isn't about Matt being insecure about his girlfriend having a F*** Buddy in the past it's about her STILL hanging out with the guy quite a lot 1 on 1. Would you and all the other women in this thread react in the same way if Matt was still hanging out with an old F*** Buddy? Doubt it! You girls would be telling the OP to drop Matt like a bad habbit I hate Double Standards. prediction: op will end up sleeping with the bad boy once again. Assuming she isn't already "Trickle Truth". Everyone is bagging on this Matt guy like it's his fault. Would everyone be saying the same thing if it were reversed and the guy was hanging out with a past **** buddy and didn't tell his gf about it? In fact lied about it? I don't think so, what a double standard. No man or woman should be spending that much time 1 on 1 with an old F*** Buddy maybe at social gatherings and so on it is ok but not alone and it isnt just men who are this paranoid when it comes to these things.
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) My opinion: A guy is not perfect at all for you if you feel the need to conceal who you actually are from him. Are you going to sneak and lie throughout your whole married life and have a perfect marriage to this perfect guy who has no idea who you are but certainly thinks he knows just how everyone should be? And then there's that thing you do, lie, sneak, people-please, and drool (at a minimum) over Joe in Matt's own home while Matt isn't let in on the big surprise. Yikes! It doesn't lead anywhere good. As for Mr. Perfect, I think he is rigid and smug. He needs to learn that he doesn't know everything and that his little "values" are nothing he will be allowed to bully you with. This guy knows nothing about how to please a woman. His big concern is what your "number is" for one thing. LOL. Is this middle school? Please explain to the boy that you are not an object whose value diminishes with "use" and that you will not be treated as such. Tell him you've been afraid to be your true self with him because he is so rigid, judgmental and know-it-all. Tell him exactly how many partners you've had and name them all right then, to prevent any more temptation to lie. Tell him about Joe and explain that Joe is a hot f***. Tell him you've already done the sexual things he's proposed. In other words, introduce yourself. Then apologize for your horrible behavior. Then come back and tell us what happened. P.S. Why do people have the idea this story isn't real? I kind of have that feeling too but I can't exactly say why... Edited March 10, 2013 by Dragonfruit
aed Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 My opinion: A guy is not perfect at all for you if you feel the need to conceal who you actually are from him. Are you going to sneak and lie throughout your whole married life and have a perfect marriage to this perfect guy who has no idea who you are but certainly thinks he knows just how everyone should be? And then there's that thing you do, lie, sneak, and people-please. It doesn't lead anywhere good. As for Mr. Perfect, I think he is rigid and smug. He needs to learn that he doesn't know everything and that his little "values" are childish and nothing he will be allowed to bully you with. This guy knows nothing about how to please a woman. His big concern is what your "number is" for one thing. LOL. Please explain to the boy that you are not an object whose value diminishes with "use" and that you will not be treated as such. Tell him you've been afraid to be your true self with him because he is so rigid, judgmental and know-it-all. Tell him exactly how many partners you've had and name them all right then, to prevent any more temptation to lie. Tell him about Joe and explain that Joe is a hot f***. Tell him you've already done the sexual things he's proposed. In other words, introduce yourself. Then come back and tell us what happened. I agree to some degree. But he was not judgemental.... He just asked to tell him when they meet or hang out with an ex of her! Also his fantasies he just asked have you done this or this she said No:o and she was willing to try. Please keep looking at the one that created the problem. and I dont know if he said before they became close: if you slept with x numbers I dont want you. There has not bin anything mentioned of numbers by OP (only by other posters). The rest of the tone of this thread is making this all about Matt is being the problem and behonest that is not the case. Most women dont want a guy that slept with prositutes and when a guy has slept with 40 of them. And he lies about it (what is just terrible wrong!!!), who is the one that is insecure in that case. the guy that is lying not the one who has a problem with it. I wouldn't date someone if they went to prinson for slavery or childporn. Sure they have right to be with someone, just not with me.
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Oops, I missed the post where OP told Matt about Joe. You know, if this is made up, OP is a pretty good writer. You think?
ltjg45 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Hey, I'm ALL for honesty in a relationship when you've done something IN that relationship, then yes - be honest about it. I still think it was a mistake to share something from the PAST because it SERVES NO PURPOSE. And gee what a surprise, Matt now looks at the OP like she's some kind of dirt bag and is ignoring her. So what was the point in spilling her guts about the PAST - something she did when she didn't even KNOW Matt? Honestly, what the hell was the POINT? Well OP, you've learned the HARD way (like I had to) to keep your mouth SHUT about your sexual past. Most guys can't handle it. LEARN from this experience. What is done in the past should have stayed in the past. In this case, what she did in the past, she allowed to stick around in the present. She needed to let Matt know this. That Joe was, in the past, once one of her "playthings". I don't know how Matt feels right now. I'm sure he is wondering if Joe did a better job screwing the OP than Matt did and that is not going to help him get over this. He is also wondering what Joe may be thinking when he does come over. I'm sure, in Joe's eyes considering the nature of the guy, he hasn't gotten over the break-up and wouldn't mind taking the OP out back for a quickie. There is so many "what-ifs" and frankly, they are all decent concerns So this is not the same scenario that you are preaching. If she wants any shot at a happy marriage, this needs to be told ASAP. I'm glad she did that. Now she hopes that Matt will continue on with the wedding as planned because this can still ruin it for him regardless, esp. since it has been kept secret for so long. 2
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I agree to some degree. But he was not judgemental.... He just asked to tell him when they meet or hang out with an ex of her! Also his fantasies he just asked have you done this or this she said No:o and she was willing to try. Please keep looking at the one that created the problem. and I dont know if he said before they became close: if you slept with x numbers I dont want you. There has not bin anything mentioned of numbers by OP (only by other posters). The rest of the tone of this thread is making this all about Matt is being the problem and behonest that is not the case. Most women dont want a guy that slept with prositutes and when a guy has slept with 40 of them. And he lies about it (what is just terrible wrong!!!), who is the one that is insecure in that case. the guy that is lying not the one who has a problem with it. I wouldn't date someone if they went to prinson for slavery or childporn. Sure they have right to be with someone, just not with me. Yes, he is very judgmental, to the point that she creates a fake persona to live up to his "values." Also, if you read my post, I said plenty about her behavior. Careful saying what "most women" want, that is not verified. I couldn't care less if a guy has slept with prostitutes and I don't think any of the women I know would, assuming it was in the past. I would care if he lied to me, though. Again, read about his "values" and such, he has a problem with everything that isn't in his own strict little definition of correct "values." Of course that IS his right, but my post was to OP and how he may not be the guy for her at all because he simply does not "approve" of she person she really is. Single people having sex with other adults as they choose to in no way compares to slavery, or child porn. 1
aed Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Oops, I missed the post where OP told Matt about Joe. You know, if this is made up, OP is a pretty good writer. You think? why do you think this is a made up post? because a guy is clearly not the couse the problem that is created here?
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 why do you think this is a made up post? because a guy is clearly not the couse the problem that is created here? Why would you think I have anything against guys? You might have me mixed up with someone else on that. ? I don't know why I think it might be a made up post. It just kind of has that feel to me but as I said, I can't pinpoint it. *shrug*
aed Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Yes, he is very judgmental, to the point that she creates a fake persona to live up to his "values." Also, if you read my post, I said plenty about her behavior. Careful saying what "most women" want, that is not verified. I couldn't care less if a guy has slept with prostitutes and I don't think any of the women I know would, assuming it was in the past. I would care if he lied to me, though. Again, read about his "values" and such, he has a problem with everything that isn't in his own strict little definition of correct "values." Of course that IS his right, but my post was to OP and how he may not be the guy for her at all because he simply does not "approve" of she person she really is. Single people having sex with other adults as they choose to in no way compares to slavery, or child porn. why people are alike and as a guy I can tell most girls react in the same way to things as us guys and most is only meaning: if you take 100 persons the majority will react like this... there is not being a stigma or anything. Some people that are single dont sleep around or have casual sex, so dont asume everyone does that. And people how don't do that wont say anything about there sexual drive and how they enjoy sex. Also we only hear how OP views and interprates his vallues not Matt his own. Same example: I don't want a girl that is diagnosed with BPS (because of my experience with these kind of women), will this mean I will never do that: NO! there are always expections. but talking about exceptions is not a great way of having a discussion. They are what they are exceptions. And lets still be real: according different research most people don't have of ONS, FWB etc. Most people just date other people and develop a LTR relationship with them. Jet I do agree: it is better to say: prefer than want.
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