My “Good Guy” fiancé doesn’t know about the “bad boy” in our circle

[mn311601]

Everyone is bagging on this Matt guy like it's his fault. Would everyone be saying the same thing if it were reversed and the guy was hanging out with a past **** buddy and didn't tell his gf about it? In fact lied about it? I don't think so, what a double standard. They had a talk and she promised to tell him about any previous guys she had relationships with that she still sees, yet this Joe guy is hanging around their house and Matt has no idea Joe used to **** his future wife. And this is supposed to somehow be Matt's problem? Wow.

[ThaWholigan]

I know that some of it is insecurity. I just don't think it matters. Let's assume the reason is insecurity. Do you think that gives OP the right to keep that info from him?

 

From my perspective, it doesn't make one bit of difference if your standards are based on your upbringing, religion, ethnicity, the golden rule, paranoia or insecurity.

 

If your partners standards don't jive with yours, regardless of the reason, then you need to be honest about that, and not hide it. The goal in a relationship is to find a genuinely compatible person, not hide the things you think your partner won't like.

 

Take a woman that can't stand porn. It is likely that the reason she hates porn is because of insecurity. But she still has every right to hate it, and to choose a partner that doesn't watch it. Obviously, she will have a hard time finding one, but she still has a right to set that standard for herself, and for her relationships. Even if it is based in insecurity. Maybe her standards will evolve as she matures and becomes more secure in herself. Maybe not. Regardless, it's her path to walk.

 

It's not up to us to determine the validity of another person's standards, IMO.

I humbly agree.

 

I just think that its silly personally, but that's just me.

[TheGuard13]

It's not about insecurity. It's about values, standards and expections. We all have the right to choose those things when we are deciding who we want to spend our life with.

 

Then that's what it should be about.

 

If his issues are values, then he should not so much need to know who she has been with. He should know what her current values are, and what her past values have been. They are mutually exclusive concepts. And his potential assumptions or current knowledge about Joe, and the women that sleep with Joe, should not be used to retroactively determine her "values" now. That's not even logical.

 

I think the larger issue is this. What does he mean by "A woman who shares my values"? And does he mean "Has always shared my values?" And did she, and does she?

 

Being married or in a long term relationship is about supporting each other, caring for each other, loving each other...not hiding the truth from each other.

 

I agree, to a point.

 

You guys saying not to tell are only thinking about how she can keep him. What about the long term effects of this little omission, on a marriage and possibly a family?

 

Not really, I'm thinking about what she owes this guy, period. It was probably pretty stupid not to point out she'd been with Joe in the past early on. If she had a longterm thing with Joe, yes, that's an issue. If she had a fling with the guy? Bit of a gray area, depending on her boyfriend and her and their actual relationship.

 

They should probably have a conversation about this whole thing, and all of the elements involved, and they probably should have had it long before now. She shouldn't have to feel like she needs to hide the truth from him, or guilty over what she's done in the past because of his thoughts on the matter. Conversely, if he himself does actually have some insecurities, he shouldn't be hiding these behind "what his expectations of a girls' history" are, or some vague statement about "values".

 

Instead of being honest so that Matt could make an informed decision about who he wants to spend his life with, she sanitized her history so that it would be more palatable to Matt.

 

I don't neccessarily think she really has, based on the information provided. She just hasn't given him all the details.

 

They are engaged to be married, and she is misreprensenting herself.

 

That is just wrong.

 

I don't think there's enough information given to suggest that. Not telling someone everything about your past, and every intricate detail, is not misrepresenting yourself.

 

Past sexual behavior is important to some people, and that is perfectly OK.

 

But he didn't ask about her past sexual behavior. Not in the instance being discussed. Per the OP, he asked her if she would identify her partners

 

I knew a woman who found out after marriage that her husband had a few random homosexual encounters, prior to meeting her. She does not discriminate against LGBT, and she is not insecure. But she felt defrauded, nonetheless. She felt that this was an important piece of info about her husband that she had a right to know, before marrying him. Now there are kids involved, and it's a huge mess.

 

Why would she feel defrauded? Did she ever ask him? Did she ever ask details about his previous sexual encounters, or his gender identification? Did he lie? Did she ever indicate this would be an issue?

 

What is wrong with being authentic?

 

Nothing. I'm not so sure she hasn't been. And I'm sure he's got things about himself he hasn't been entirely 100% truthful about. I seriously doubt they tell each other the entire truth all the time, about everything. I don't know many relationships that would survive that.

 

If this were a business deal, this would be fraud at the most and misrepresentation at the least. But because it is "only" a marriage, it's OK to withold pertinant info from the person you claim to love and plan to spend your life with?

 

It's not a business deal, though. It's human beings and their feelings and their actions.

 

In my opinion, any marriage or relationship worth anything should be stronger than caring about relatively trivial stuff like this. This is the kind of crap people need to get over in order to be able to deal with things that actually matter, and things that are serious conflicts and issues in a relationship and a marriage.

 

Poor Matt.

 

Eh. It's hard to feel bad for a guy who insists on knowing who his girlfriend's sexual partners were, as if he can make a determination on who she is now based on his assumptions about them now.

Edited March 8, 2013 by TheGuard13

[Quiet Storm]

Would some women here be so understanding if they found out their man had went to prostitutes?

 

 

It all depends on that particular woman's standards.

 

If she told her boyfriend multiple times "Eww, prostitutes are dirty. I could never be with a guy that went to one". "Men that go to hookers are low class". "How could a guy need sex so bad that they would stoop to that level?".

 

All of those statements could be based in insecurity. Or values. It doesn't really matter, though, because she made it clear how she feels about it.

 

If he chooses to hide that information, and at their wedding reception his drunk friend goes "Hey, remember that time we went to Vegas and ordered hookers out of catalog? It was awesome!!!", she is going to feel betrayed. He will have to deal with the fallout, and it's all on him.

 

I think with OPs situation there is even more risk of disclosure, though.

 

People act like these are just little white lies and minor omissions designed to "protect". I think a lot of people don't understand how important trust is to a relationship. It's huge. A house can't stand without a foundation, and relationship can't truly be healthy without trust. Relationships without trust can last, but they turn dysfuntional & controlling. Once that bond is broken...it's a long road back.

[Woggle]

It all depends on that particular woman's standards.

 

If she told her boyfriend multiple times "Eww, prostitutes are dirty. I could never be with a guy that went to one". "Men that go to hookers are low class". "How could a guy need sex so bad that they would stoop to that level?".

 

All of those statements could be based in insecurity. Or values. It doesn't really matter, though, because she made it clear how she feels about it.

 

If he chooses to hide that information, and at their wedding reception his drunk friend goes "Hey, remember that time we went to Vegas and ordered hookers out of catalog? It was awesome!!!", she is going to feel betrayed. He will have to deal with the fallout, and it's all on him.

 

I think with OPs situation there is even more risk of disclosure, though.

 

People act like these are just little white lies and minor omissions designed to "protect". I think a lot of people don't understand how important trust is to a relationship. It's huge. A house can't stand without a foundation, and relationship can't truly be healthy without trust. Relationships without trust can last, but they turn dysfuntional & controlling. Once that bond is broken...it's a long road back.

 

I very much agree. If he is upfront about going to hookers and she still wants to see him that is all on here but people who hide what they are and then get mad when the other person feels betrayed don't make sense to me.

[salparadise]

From my perspective, it doesn't make one bit of difference if your standards are based on your upbringing, religion, ethnicity, the golden rule, paranoia or insecurity.

 

If your partners standards don't jive with yours, regardless of the reason, then you need to be honest about that, and not hide it. The goal in a relationship is to find a genuinely compatible person, not hide the things you think your partner won't like.

 

It's not about standards. Matt told her about his fantasies and things he'd like for them to do. He's not morally opposed to getting a bit freaky in the bedroom. The only issue here, assuming she clears the air about having dated Joe, is that he assumes she's somewhat less experienced than she is. She can make his fantasies come true, and then they become their things and it's a win-win.

[aed]

Then that's what it should be about.

 

If his issues are values, then he should not so much need to know who she has been with. He should know what her current values are, and what her past values have been. They are mutually exclusive concepts. And his potential assumptions or current knowledge about Joe, and the women that sleep with Joe, should not be used to retroactively determine her "values" now. That's not even logical.

 

I think the larger issue is this. What does he mean by "A woman who shares my values"? And does he mean "Has always shared my values?" And did she, and does she?

 

 

 

I agree, to a point.

 

 

 

Not really, I'm thinking about what she owes this guy, period. It was probably pretty stupid not to point out she'd been with Joe in the past early on. If she had a longterm thing with Joe, yes, that's an issue. If she had a fling with the guy? Bit of a gray area, depending on her boyfriend and her and their actual relationship.

 

They should probably have a conversation about this whole thing, and all of the elements involved, and they probably should have had it long before now. She shouldn't have to feel like she needs to hide the truth from him, or guilty over what she's done in the past because of his thoughts on the matter. Conversely, if he himself does actually have some insecurities, he shouldn't be hiding these behind "what his expectations of a girls' history" are, or some vague statement about "values".

 

 

 

I don't neccessarily think she really has, based on the information provided. She just hasn't given him all the details.

 

 

 

I don't think there's enough information given to suggest that. Not telling someone everything about your past, and every intricate detail, is not misrepresenting yourself.

 

 

 

But he didn't ask about her past sexual behavior. Not in the instance being discussed. Per the OP, he asked her if she would identify her partners

 

 

 

Why would she feel defrauded? Did she ever ask him? Did she ever ask details about his previous sexual encounters, or his gender identification? Did he lie? Did she ever indicate this would be an issue?

 

 

 

Nothing. I'm not so sure she hasn't been. And I'm sure he's got things about himself he hasn't been entirely 100% truthful about. I seriously doubt they tell each other the entire truth all the time, about everything. I don't know many relationships that would survive that.

 

 

 

It's not a business deal, though. It's human beings and their feelings and their actions.

 

In my opinion, any marriage or relationship worth anything should be stronger than caring about relatively trivial stuff like this. This is the kind of crap people need to get over in order to be able to deal with things that actually matter, and things that are serious conflicts and issues in a relationship and a marriage.

 

 

 

Eh. It's hard to feel bad for a guy who insists on knowing who his girlfriend's sexual partners were, as if he can make a determination on who she is now based on his assumptions about them now.

 

So what you are saying:

 

it doens't mather to you when your wife had a relationship with a man you both hang out with, and she doesn't tell you even when she said she would if you to would meet up with exes.

 

People are not perfect, but they are not married yet and people lie and cheat allot, doesn't mean that other people should accept that. And second of all he just said he doesn't like the guy according to OP and that he thinks it's a jerk. Maybe when she was honest from the beginning he would feel sorry for her, and that he would even feel good about himself, because she saw the light of being with him.

 

Second about the fantasies, it is always hard to cope when some one gives you the impression you share is special and unique and when you find out that it is not so unique because that person already did that. When you they give you the impression that you to are on the same level.

 

This threads are not only about male ego, it is more about the female ego. Because lets be honest: A girl wants her man to look at her like she is the most unique and special person in this world and that is why they lie, because they know when they tell things like that the guy will look and love her for what she is: just a normal girl, like 99% of all the other girls.

[aed]

It's not about standards. Matt told her about his fantasies and things he'd like for them to do. He's not morally opposed to getting a bit freaky in the bedroom. The only issue here, assuming she clears the air about having dated Joe, is that he assumes she's somewhat less experienced than she is. She can make his fantasies come true, and then they become their things and it's a win-win.

 

Just read some of the post of OP:

she felt quilty because he has the idea that it will also be her first time doing some of those things.

 

See lied about that, it are not his assumptions. This is what she made him believe.

[TheGuard13]

So what you are saying:

 

Let me stop you right there.

 

What I am saying...is what I have said.

 

it doens't mather to you when your wife had a relationship with a man you both hang out with, and she doesn't tell you even when she said she would if you to would meet up with exes.

 

No. Of course it matters. How much it matters? Debatable. We don't KNOW how often they hang out, see the guy, what their actual relationship with him is, etc. I don't know the impact knowing would have on Matt, or her, or their whole life. Because she hasn't given that much info.

 

People are not perfect, but they are not married yet and people lie and cheat allot, doesn't mean that other people should accept that. And second of all he just said he doesn't like the guy according to OP and that he thinks it's a jerk. Maybe when she was honest from the beginning he would feel sorry for her, and that he would even feel good about himself, because she saw the light of being with him.

 

"Maybe" isn't what's actually going on, though. It's more complex than that.

 

Second about the fantasies, it is always hard to cope when some one gives you the impression you share is special and unique and when you find out that it is not so unique because that person already did that. When you they give you the impression that you to are on the same level.

 

Depends on whether she's actually given him that impression. I don't know that we have enough information to decide that. There's a world of difference between her not telling him that it's not new to her, and actually lying about it. It depends on what those things are, why they want to do them, and how important them being "new" to him is. Again, not enough info to decide this right now.

 

This threads are not only about male ego, it is more about the female ego. Because lets be honest: A girl wants her man to look at her like she is the most unique and special person in this world and that is why they lie, because they know when they tell things like that the guy will look and love her for what she is: just a normal girl, like 99% of all the other girls.

 

No, not all girls want that. And people lie for any NUMBER of reasons. And not always to hide things from their partner. Sometimes they're lying to themselves.

Edited March 8, 2013 by TheGuard13

[aed]

Let me stop you right there.

 

What I am saying...is what I am saying.

 

Now then...

 

 

 

No. Of course it matters. How much it matters? Debatable. We don't KNOW how often they hang out, see the guy, etc. I don't know the impact knowing would have on this guy, or her, or their whole life.

 

They hang out, they guy comes to there house and is in their social circle. I dont know but people I see as my social circle are my friends, and come to my house and I hang out with!

 

"Maybe" isn't what's actually going on, though. It's more complex than that.

Because she wasn't honest she made an assumption about his reaction, and thought what was right for him. We don't know, but OP is the one that made this complex. Not Matt.

 

Depends on whether she's actually given him that impression. I don't know that we have enough information to decide that.

 

OP:

"I’ve never told Matt about Joe. Joe has beenover to our condo numerous times. I feel guilty about not telling Matt. What makes it worse is that Matt trusts mecompletely. He’s told me about fantasies he has that he would like for us totry together since it would be “new” for both of us. In fact, even though Ihave not told him this, none of what Matt wants to try is new to me. Joe and Ipretty well did everything and I feel guilty that I did stuff with Joe that I wouldlove to have done only with my “One and Only,” Matt."

 

So how gave him the idea? When I would be a virgin and the girl I am with is telling me she is also a virgin. I think It would be special if it was both of our first time. I would be pretty pissed if she had a few FWB with some people we hang out with. And to be honest I never had sex with a girl that was still a virgin. I can imagine that a girl would be pretty pissed if I lied to her and making her think it was also my first time. Especialy when she gets to like me more because we will share something unique that we share only between the two of us.

 

No, not all girls want that. And people lie for any NUMBER of reasons. And not always to hide things from their partner. Sometimes they're lying to themselves.

 

True. But that is not the point. Lying is always wrong and in my example those kind of girls are mostly lying to them self, it is only sad that they don't see that.

[Quiet Storm]

Then that's what it should be about.

 

If his issues are values, then he should not so much need to know who she has been with. He should know what her current values are, and what her past values have been. They are mutually exclusive concepts. And his potential assumptions or current knowledge about Joe, and the women that sleep with Joe, should not be used to retroactively determine her "values" now. That's not even logical.

 

You don't get to decide what informtion he should or should not use to retroactively determine her values. It's unreasonable & illogical to YOU. I get that. To him, it's valid. And since this is the woman he is choosing to spend his life with, he gets to decide what info is important or not.

 

I think the larger issue is this. What does he mean by "A woman who shares my values"? And does he mean "Has always shared my values?" And did she, and does she?

 

 

Right. They should have a talk about it so expectations can be clarified. She should not withhold info that she knows would matter to him.

 

 

Not really, I'm thinking about what she owes this guy, period. It was probably pretty stupid not to point out she'd been with Joe in the past early on. If she had a longterm thing with Joe, yes, that's an issue. If she had a fling with the guy? Bit of a gray area, depending on her boyfriend and her and their actual relationship.

 

 

Marriage shouldn't be about what is "owed" to each other. Save that for the divorce. And again, YOU don't think a fling is an issue. A fling woudn't be for YOU. For YOU, a long term thing would matter. Why do you get to decide what should or should not matter to Matt?

 

They should probably have a conversation about this whole thing, and all of the elements involved, and they probably should have had it long before now. She shouldn't have to feel like she needs to hide the truth from him, or guilty over what she's done in the past because of his thoughts on the matter. Conversely, if he himself does actually have some insecurities, he shouldn't be hiding these behind "what his expectations of a girls' history" are, or some vague statement about "values".

 

I agree with that, 100%.

 

 

I don't neccessarily think she really has, based on the information provided. She just hasn't given him all the details.

 

 

Whether it's a lie or an omission is semantics. She knows that this would matter to him. WTF ever happened to integrity?

 

I don't think there's enough information given to suggest that. Not telling someone everything about your past, and every intricate detail, is not misrepresenting yourself

.

 

Again, she is very aware that her fiance would have a problem with her relationship with Joe. Not telling is dishonest. She also allowing him to think that they will explore their sexuality and try new things together, when she has already done those things with Joe, a guy they know and socialize with. This is not some insignificant, intricate detail. It is huge, and she knows that, which is why she's not telling.

 

 

But he didn't ask about her past sexual behavior. Not in the instance being discussed. Per the OP, he asked her if she would identify her partners

And she said she would. She broke her word. She should not have agreed to that if she did not want to disclose.

 

 

Why would she feel defrauded? Did she ever ask him? Did she ever ask details about his previous sexual encounters, or his gender identification? Did he lie? Did she ever indicate this would be an issue?

 

Yes, they talked a lot about previous sexual partners. She was honest with him about hers, he told her all about his prior women. Just not the men. He said he didn't tell her because he was ashamed.

 

Nothing. I'm not so sure she hasn't been. And I'm sure he's got things about himself he hasn't been entirely 100% truthful about. I seriously doubt they tell each other the entire truth all the time, about everything. I don't know many relationships that would survive that.

 

If he withheld something that he knew would be important to her, I would have the same stance. There is no place for lies in a marriage, IMO. I don't lie to my husband. Not about sex, not about the money I spend, not about my past. In 22 years I have never caught him in a lie. There are things about each other that we don't like, or that we don't necessarily agree with. But we are honest about them and work them out.

 

 

It's not a business deal, though. It's human beings and their feelings and their actions.

 

Precisely.

 

In my opinion, any marriage or relationship worth anything should be stronger than caring about relatively trivial stuff like this. This is the kind of crap people need to get over in order to be able to deal with things that actually matter, and things that are serious conflicts and issues in a relationship and a marriage.

 

The strength of the marriage or relationship cannot be tested if you avoid conflict.

 

They probably shouldn't be together. Isn't it better to discover that now, prior to marriage?

 

 

Eh. It's hard to feel bad for a guy who insists on knowing who his girlfriend's sexual partners were, as if he can make a determination on who she is now based on his assumptions about them now.

 

She should not have agreed to tell him, then. Or she should at least say "Matt, you know how we made that deal that I would tell you if we ran into someone I slept with? I decided I don't agree with that deal. I don't think my past matters and I am choosing to keep that private". And then let Matt decide if that is acceptable to him or not.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[aed]

She should not have agreed to tell him, then. Or she should at least say "Matt, you know how we made that deal that I would tell you if we ran into someone I slept with? I decided I don't agree with that deal. I don't think my past matters and I am choosing to keep that private". And then let Matt decide if that is acceptable to him or not.

 

I would never ever advocate someone too lie. But doing this would even be wurst then lying. Then she could better not say anything and wait till the hole thing explodes.

[Quiet Storm]

It's not about standards. Matt told her about his fantasies and things he'd like for them to do. He's not morally opposed to getting a bit freaky in the bedroom. The only issue here, assuming she clears the air about having dated Joe, is that he assumes she's somewhat less experienced than she is. She can make his fantasies come true, and then they become their things and it's a win-win.

 

 

Maybe his standards are not about the specific sex acts, but that they happen within a committed relationship.

 

If she was freaky with a long term boyfriend, he may be understanding of that.

 

I think it's the fact that she was freaky with a guy that woudn't even be in a relationship with her, that will be the issue.

 

A lot of people feel that sex is special and should only happen between two committed people in a relationship. A lot of people disagree with that. It's OK to want a person that shares your views about that.

[Quiet Storm]

I would never ever advocate someone too lie. But doing this would even be wurst then lying. Then she could better not say anything and wait till the hole thing explodes.

 

 

I guess my feeling is that it is better if this explodes now, than later when they are married, and even worse if they have kids.

[kaylan]

Why lie to your partner about having slept with a friend of yours in the past. Lying by omission is still lying.

 

When it comes to past partners having been friends of yours, or people that your current partner knows, then one should fess up about those past flings in order to prevent future drama.

 

PS - Sounds like a troll thread to me though. Like a new user trying to stoke the fires of male insecurity and bitterness. Its not rare for men to pose as women on the web to make women look bad.

[salparadise]

Maybe his standards are not about the specific sex acts, but that they happen within a committed relationship. If she was freaky with a long term boyfriend, he may be understanding of that. I think it's the fact that she was freaky with a guy that woudn't even be in a relationship with her, that will be the issue.

 

Eh, that's splitting hairs awfully thin. Where is it written that one must disclose every sex act that one has ever engaged in with previous partners before getting married?

 

I honestly cannot understand why people see this as absolute and think she needs to disclose every detail. He knows she's had sex with previous boyfriends, he just doesn't know who or exactly what acts. So what? I was married for more than two decades and I never interrogated my ex about who she slept with, how many, or what acts they engaged in. If she were claiming to be a virgin it would be different, but she's not.

 

She loves Matt and they plan to marry. She wants to resolve the issue about having dated Joe because Matt knows Joe. And honestly, if she hadn't promised to tell him if they bumped into one of her ex's I'd think that might not be necessary. So she probably needs to come clean on that, but that's all there is to it. As an adult you have to learn to accept some ambiguity in life. I honestly don't know any other place other than right here where people would say that a woman is obligated to disclose all the details of her sexual history, right down to the specific acts. This is nuts.

Edited March 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[phineas]

All I can say is if any woman I was with met a former fling or ex and heard it from someone else i'd be in for a sheet storm of epic proportions.

 

that said, when I first saw this thread I LOL'd.

I expected it to blow up to multiple pages overnight & I happy to see I was correct.

[AKisBaked]

Get rid of Joe.

 

Problem solved.

 

What he said.

 

 

And I can imagine what you did with "Joe"... Matt wouldn't be happy..

[Woggle]

It has nothing to do with sex acts or how sexual she was. It's the fact that a player she once tried to turn into a committed boyfriend is still hanging around. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know what kind of powder keg that is especially when there are problems in the marriage and it sounds even worse when somebody is trying to hide it.

[CudLRoo]

Odd, OP hasn't got back since. I can sense LOTS of details missing with this tale, 'tis definitely a tad fishy....

[aed]

let's qoute op:

 

"lHe’s told me about fantasies he has that he would like for us totry together since it would be “new” for both of us. In fact, even though I have not told him this, none of what Matt wants to try is new to me."

 

So when I praise my girl, thinking that I can trust her and a praise her for her loyalty. But secretly she cheated on me in ONS.

 

then who is lying and deceitful, me or the girl?

 

Same can be said about this situation. Also you still forget and ignore: OP created this situation, not her bf!

Edited March 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jessie2013]

Hi everybody. Bad day yesterday. I took to heart all of your comments and suggestions so I decided to do the right thing and come clean. Matt and I went out for dinner last night and when we got back to his place I told him that I had something totell him. So I told him about the stupid fling I had with Joe. I think he was just stunned. He just kind of looked at me weird for a minute.

 

He then started with an incredulous "you f-ed Joe?" He looked dazed andsad and I really didn't know how to react. Then all of a sudden there was alot of talk and he wanted all the stupid details - which I didn't really provide. He said he couldn't believe that I was one of Joe's "easy conquests." I then made the mistake of saying that it was only sexual. He cut me off and told me to go home. I didn't want to leave but Matt pushed it so I did. He just had this look on his face that I've never seen before. He never screamed or shouted though so maybe that's good.

 

He hasn't called me today even though I've left him three voicemails and a bunch of texts. I don't know what to do. I can't believe that this sweet nice man who has treated me so perfectly and who I want to marry would leave me. What can I do?

[anne1707]

You have done the right thing in telling him. He was bound to react to the news too. All you can do for now is give him some time to take it in, calm down and clear his head.

[CptSaveAho]

Telling him wasn't the right thing to do

 

All these people on this forum project what they want to know if they were in that situation... including the "details"

 

Most of the people on this forum can't look at themselves and their own faults in the mirror and want to blame everyone but themselves. You weren't even in a relationship with Matt at the time so its really none of his business and therefor had no obligation to tell him. You emotionally murdered a "nice" guy with your past

 

In looking forward, I don't think you would have been too happy years down the road married to Matt anyways

[ltjg45]

At least you told him. This would have been much worse if Joe told him or you reveal this AFTER you get married.

 

Like you said, he wasn't happy at all to hear about this but the way it has went down, it has been handled pretty well. He didn't appear to end the relationship on the spot. Just need some time, some space to get this cleared out.

 

While I can't say he will leave you over this, I have some confidence that he will let this go and still marry you. It will just take some more time before it gets to that wedding point.

 

Also, if he does forgive you and let this go, you need to end all contact with Joe completely. I'm sure Matt has got to that point as well after you told him.