My “Good Guy” fiancé doesn’t know about the “bad boy” in our circle

[Jessie2013]

Everyone is right and it's not like I didn't know that. I want to tell Matt and make good. It's just that I know his reaction is going to be bad. He's going to say 'how could I have gone for such a guy - Joe's a jerk who uses women. How can you be one of those women? I thought you were different' and on and on. I just don't have the right answers for all this.

[tbf]

Everyone is right and it's not like I didn't know that. I want to tell Matt and make good. It's just that I know his reaction is going to be bad. He's going to say 'how could I have gone for such a guy - Joe's a jerk who uses women. How can you be one of those women? I thought you were different' and on and on. I just don't have the right answers for all this.

You can always tell him the truth and if he judges you for a mistake, he's the wrong man for you. People aren't born perfect. They learn by making mistakes in the past.

[aed]

Everyone is right and it's not like I didn't know that. I want to tell Matt and make good. It's just that I know his reaction is going to be bad. He's going to say 'how could I have gone for such a guy - Joe's a jerk who uses women. How can you be one of those women? I thought you were different' and on and on. I just don't have the right answers for all this.

 

You made him believe you are 'perfect' or perfect for him.

 

Why you felt for that kind of guy, just behonest stop the lying. You dont need the right answers (this mind set is the source of your problem!!!) Be honest and why would you accept a guy that only loves an fake image of you?

 

Have some self respect and more important have some respect for Math.

[Woggle]

I would not judge you on your past but it seems from your posts that deep down you still have some feelings for Joe but know he will never want to commit to you so you are settling for Matt. Please correct me if I am wrong but if Joe one day wants more than he has been willing to give how will it play out. Some players make a sport out of taking married women from their husbands and will Joe be able to push the right buttons?

[Imajerk17]

I would not judge you on your past but it seems from your posts that deep down you still have some feelings for Joe but know he will never want to commit to you so you are settling for Matt. Please correct me if I am wrong but if Joe one day wants more than he has been willing to give how will it play out. Some players make a sport out of taking married women from their husbands and will Joe be able to push the right buttons?

 

I agree. It's clear that Jessie puts her social circle before her fiance, at the very least.

 

Jessie, you're going to have to have a conversation with Matt, and this might mean the end of your relationship. As you have shown no willingness to make any sacrifices so far it's what you really deserve.

[Jessie2013]

I do NOT have feelings for Joe! Matt is absolutely the man for me!

 

I can't get rid of Joe because he's in in our social circle from the family friends side of things. My parents are friends with his parents. If I cut him out all sorts of questions would be raised. So I can't do that.

[SJC2008]

This is why marriages fail OP and I mean that with all due respect. People paint themselves in a certain light becuase they don't want to scare their partners away but if you can' be yourself with your husband why get married? I don't care if I date a woman who sewed some oats or went through a SHORT "phase" as long as she didn't blow the whole football team and views sex the same way I do I'm happy. The last thing I don't want to do is to act like she hasn't done a certain sexual position becasue I'll judge her. If you can't reveal your sexual self to your life partner you've got a tough road ahead, it's not going to promote emotional intimacy either.

[StanMusial]

Are you sure your fiance doesn't know about this guy? You say you're in the same social circle. You also say that you fooled around with this guy quite a bit and even pursued a relationship with him. In my experience, that sort of thing is usually known throughout a social circle... even loosely connected ones. People talk.

[dasein]

I didn't see how OP lied to Matt about Joe, and will go against the grain and say disclosure is not necessary in this situation. Just subtly remove Joe from social dealings. Shouldn't be too hard. Good luck.

[Jessie2013]

I don't think anybody in our circle knows - or if they do I haven't been told. It's not like Joe and I went to dinners or the theater... Joe wanted a high octane sexual relationship and I went along with it... We were private.

[Woggle]

I do NOT have feelings for Joe! Matt is absolutely the man for me!

 

I can't get rid of Joe because he's in in our social circle from the family friends side of things. My parents are friends with his parents. If I cut him out all sorts of questions would be raised. So I can't do that.

 

I apologize if I made any assumptions. I just know from what I witness how common that scenario is. If you just made a dumb mistake in falling for a guy who was no good for you just be honest. We all make stupid mistakes.

[StanMusial]

I don't think anybody in our circle knows - or if they do I haven't been told. It's not like Joe and I went to dinners or the theater... Joe wanted a high octane sexual relationship and I went along with it... We were private.

 

Well I don't know you or your social circle, but I wouldn't be too naive about it. People can pick up on things, especially if they hang out in the same social circle.

[Estate]

I have a situation that I feel guilty about and could use some advice.

 

I recently got engaged to a wonderful man who means the world to me. He is just agreat guy all around and I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible inevery way even if our backgrounds differ a bit – and by that I mean our sexual histories.

 

Matt ”is a “good guy” and has only had 2 previous partners, both long term. I’ve hadmore than that. We never exchanged actual numbers, but we did have a couple oftalks because he’s very big on marrying a girl, who as he says, “shares hisvalues.” He said he can accept that I’ve had “some partners” but he does notwant to meet any of them but if we were to run into any of them to tell him. Isaid no problem and that I’ve had “so few” that this would probably never happen.

 

Well, there is a guy, “Joe” who is part of our social circle. Matt doesn’t like himbecause he views him, accurately, as a player who doesn’t respect women. He disapproveswhen we see him at some party or function with a different girl everytime. Matt shakes his head and alwaystells me how incredibly gullible some women must be to fall for Joe’s *hit.

 

My problem is that in the past Joe and I were “together.” He was the bad boy thatI thought I wanted. We spent a couple of months together in an anything goessexual relationship. I wanted more, Joe did not, and we both moved on but remained friendly.

 

I’ve never told Matt about Joe. Joe has beenover to our condo numerous times. I feel guilty about not telling Matt. What makes it worse is that Matt trusts mecompletely. He’s told me about fantasies he has that he would like for us totry together since it would be “new” for both of us. In fact, even though Ihave not told him this, none of what Matt wants to try is new to me. Joe and Ipretty well did everything and I feel guilty that I did stuff with Joe that I wouldlove to have done only with my “One and Only,” Matt.

 

I guess I’m scared about how bad Matt’s reaction will be if I tell him – I knowfor a fact it will be negative. Joe doesnot know that I have not told Matt so there’s always a chance he could saysomething stupid.

 

How do I move forward with this delicate situation that I am feeling increasingly guilty about?

 

He sounds VERY insecure and jugemental to go around shaking his head at Joe.

 

Some will say honesty is the best policy but from how your describe your fiance... he will totally fly off the handle if he knew about you and Joe.

 

Joe doesn't sound like the type of guy to say it, and if you don't... the past is the past.

I don't think you did anything wrong in the first place anyway so nothing to feel bad about but your fiance sounds like someone who won't see it that way. I'd just not tell him.

[Jessie2013]

To be completely honest here, I'm scared that if Matt finds out (or when I tell him) that he won't want to marry me. I'm only his third and he'll see me as one of the many that Joe has gone through.

 

Not a good view of the girl he wants as his wife. Even if we get past my lie, he's not going to be happy that a guy he barely tolerates had a strictly sexual 'relationship' with me.

[Estate]

To be completely honest here, I'm scared that if Matt finds out (or when I tell him) that he won't want to marry me. I'm only his third and he'll see me as one of the many that Joe has gone through.

 

Not a good view of the girl he wants as his wife. Even if we get past my lie, he's not going to be happy that a guy he barely tolerates had a strictly sexual 'relationship' with me.

 

I'll say it again... there's every chance he'll think that because of how you describe him.

But it's a bad sign in the first place that he makes you feel bad about something you should not be feeling bad about.

 

Don't tell him if you want to keep him happy.

[Quiet Storm]

I'll say it again... there's every chance he'll think that because of how you describe him.

But it's a bad sign in the first place that he makes you feel bad about something you should not be feeling bad about.

 

Don't tell him if you want to keep him happy.

 

So she should marry him, possibly have kids with him, when this will probably eventually come out? It could take years, but his parents are friends with her parents, so they will always be connected. I see this in the future...joe gets too drunk at the family Christmas party in 5-10 years and confesses to Matt. An "omission" like this could cause a broken home, or a very unhappy one if they stay together.

 

I agree that she should be with someone that she can be herself with.

 

This is why I advise you to tell him the truth, jessie. If you can't be real with the person you plan spend your entire life with, you really shouldn't be with this person. I know you don't want to hear that, but marriage isn't about molding yourself into the person you think he wants. It's about finding someone that loves the real you. I love my husband warts and all. I don't have to be phony with him. I know from your perspective, what happened with jjoe is insignificant to you, and a mistake. But knowing what you know about your fiances values, you know it will matter to him. And keeping that info from him isn't right. He will feel defrauded if you marry him and he finds out. If you marry him, have kids with him, and he finds out and divorces you, this little "omission" could ruin your future family. Now is the time to tell. Don't wait to be caught.

[iKING]

I'm just tossing this out there.

 

If you've talked a whole bunch of trash about an individual, and then admit to sleeping with him, it doesn't look particularly great on your track record.

[twosadthings]

Jessie,

 

Your protests about why you can't get Joe out of your lives just doesn't reconcile with your stated feelings for your fiancee. If you want Matt, Joe has to go and being pro-active about how he goes may be the only way that you can keep your hoped for future alive.

 

If Joe is a friend of the family once removed try to enlist your mother's help or at least explain to her why you are cutting him out of your life and by explain I mean tell her everything about your previous relationship with Joe.

 

Furthermore, he has to stay gone for as long as you are connected to Matt. No facebook rememberings ten years from now, no catching up chats upon seeing him in the Stop and Shop, no Christmas cards and no broadcasts about how he's doing from your parents.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[Estate]

So she should marry him, possibly have kids with him, when this will probably eventually come out? It could take years, but his parents are friends with her parents, so they will always be connected. I see this in the future...joe gets too drunk at the family Christmas party in 5-10 years and confesses to Matt. An "omission" like this could cause a broken home, or a very unhappy one if they stay together.

 

I agree that she should be with someone that she can be herself with.

 

This is why I advise you to tell him the truth, jessie. If you can't be real with the person you plan spend your entire life with, you really shouldn't be with this person. I know you don't want to hear that, but marriage isn't about molding yourself into the person you think he wants. It's about finding someone that loves the real you. I love my husband warts and all. I don't have to be phony with him. I know from your perspective, what happened with jjoe is insignificant to you, and a mistake. But knowing what you know about your fiances values, you know it will matter to him. And keeping that info from him isn't right. He will feel defrauded if you marry him and he finds out. If you marry him, have kids with him, and he finds out and divorces you, this little "omission" could ruin your future family. Now is the time to tell. Don't wait to be caught.

 

To be honest I was holding back what I really thought....

 

If this was my partner... I wouldn't tell them. I'd just leave them.

 

To point is... he seems like an incredibly insecure and judgmental guy. Who is he to shake his head at some other guy who's life he only WISHES he had. That's all it is... he's had 2 partners and was lucky to find a great girl. Guys like that don't always have things fall into place so easily.

 

Had he had the opportunity with more women like the other guy... surely he wouldn't act so smug and try to put him down.

 

But the fact is... he's likely to flip out... which is wrong on his part, but he WILL. It's also awful that the OP is talking like she feels bad about something she has nothing to feel bad about except her fiance's ideals are making her upset.

 

So the only REAL option is to not tell him if she wants to keep him. In reality it doesn't matter... and a guy who is fine with women has NO reason to ever tell her fiance... infact he's already been around him plenty... the fact that they all still hang out and he has no problem with women means this is something that wasn't serious, was long ago and nobody cares anymore.

 

So with that all said... if the fiance is this controlling and judgmental... If I was the OP I'd just leave him and find someone who has a little more self esteem and wouldn't even care about this as 99% of other MEN would not.

[Estate]

Jessie,

 

Your protests about why you can't get Joe out of your lives just doesn't reconcile with your stated feelings for your fiancee. If you want Matt, Joe has to go and being pro-active about how he goes may be the only way that you can keep your hoped for future alive.

 

If Joe is a friend of the family once removed try to enlist your mother's help or at least explain to her why you are cutting him out of your life and by explain I mean tell her everything about your previous relationship with Joe.

 

Furthermore, he has to stay gone for as long as you are connected to Matt. No facebook rememberings ten years from now, no catching up chats upon seeing him in the Stop and Shop, no Christmas cards and no broadcasts about how he's doing from your parents.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

 

What exactly has this Joe guy done wrong?

The fiance doesn't like him because of his own insecurities... I didn't hear anything bad about Joe in all of this to deserve such harsh treatment.

 

Infact, bringing this all to the fore will only actually bring up the topic everyone has happily forgotten up to now.

[TheGuard13]

It sounds like Matt's a little bit insecure. My guess is that he probably wants you to tell him who you've been with so he can compare himself to them, and that if he does this with someone he doesn't feel "better" than, he will feel less secure in his relationship, and with you.

 

Here's the thing. Just because he asked you to tell him when you run into someone you've been with doesn't mean that you have to. That's actually sort of a selfish request on his part. It's not really any of his business. If he can't handle the idea that other men might find you desirable, or that you were with other men, he shouldn't be with you.

 

At this point, unless you've outright promised to identify your former lovers, I'd stay quiet about Joe. I see no reason to punish Joe by rejecting his friendship just because you desired him at some point.

 

Now, if you have feelings for Joe, that's a different story.

 

Honestly, if this is the kind of thing that comes up often, I would say point blank "Matt, I'm becoming uncomfortable with what seems to be an obsession and insecurity over my past lovers. I don't feel comfortable having to identify them". And then go to some counseling or have an adult conversation about it, because he needs to get over it or get out.

[Sanman]

I haven't heard anything about an obsession. He simply does not approve of Joe's values and he may not approve of her values either. That is the chance you take. As uncomfortable as such a judgment may be to some people, he was honest about it and she was not. It is his right to live life according to whatever values he prefers. If these guys are butting heads, this is going to come out and it will hit the fan then. Other people likely know as well. While others might leave Matt for his judgement, the OP does not want to. The only issue is truth vs omission.

[ScreamingTrees]

I absolutely do not want to hurt Matt in any way.

 

Also, I do not consider myself promiscuous. Yeah, I've had more partners than Matt but I was never "breezy" with my sexuality even in college. So my relationship with Joe was really not my norm at all. I guess I figured after being with the proverbial nice guys, I would try a bad boy and see how it went. Well, it didn't go so well. I just wish I could make it up to Matt without him flipping out.

 

As far as hanging around with Joe, it's not like he's around all the time. I can't really detail it because I don't want somebody to identify all this. Fact is, we can't really "get rid of Joe" from the social circle. I guess we can limit it but we can't sever it.

 

What's the radical difference, really, between the "good" and "bad" boys? What is there to "try"? They can both be sweethearts, they can both be *******s. One is just more than the other more often than not. They both have penises, and being "good" as a child does not inhibit HGH, I doubt being a nice person has stunted his growth or anything.. What's the difference? Did you just want to be with some disrespectful slimy turd who you knew would sooner drop you than have anything serious with you?

 

If I was "matt" and you spilled the beans or I figured out on my own with "joe" making smart comments or being a dick, I'd probably invite "joe" over to watch TV, excuse myself to go to the "bathroom", which would be the perfect time for me to put on an oven mitt and take the pan with the scalding hot water off of the oven, of which I'd splash at "joe" before beating on his burning, temporarily blinded face with my fists. I plan to follow through with this scenario someday, should I ever find myself in a similar scenario, thank you for helping me come up with me.

[GoodOnPaper]

Had he had the opportunity with more women like the other guy... surely he wouldn't act so smug and try to put him down.

 

But the fact is... he's likely to flip out... which is wrong on his part, but he WILL. It's also awful that the OP is talking like she feels bad about something she has nothing to feel bad about except her fiance's ideals are making her upset.

 

The OP definitely should feel bad that she hasn't done more to get Joe out of their lives and it's NOT wrong on Matt's part to be sensitive about his relative lack of experience.

 

Regardless of whether she tells, it's paramount that they get Joe out of their lives -- otherwise, the OP and Joe are just rubbing Matt's nose in it, even if Matt doesn't realize it. With Joe's permanent exit, the relationship might survive laying all the cards on the table, but I would think it would be difficult.

 

I'm in Matt's area of experience level and if a woman I'm in love with sprung this on me, it would create some big rifts to overcome. How on earth would I ever know if I'm satisfying her sexually? How can a tamer sex life with me equate to a stronger attraction than what she had with the player? If she really wants me more, why isn't she just as uninhibited with me?

[CudLRoo]

Whilst I agree Matt is a tad insecure, I still don't get all this Joe stuff, like why he has to come over to your condo and stuff. Is he seeing someone, or is he constantly plying his trade with his pocket rocket? Seems odd him even being there. You still have sexual feelings for him, despite not loving him?

 

It depends on whether Matt is a 'digger' or not. Has he been asking questions, or is he content to not know about your past? Myself, I tend to be a 'digger', 'dug' quite a lot in my first long term relationship and it messed my head up a lot for a few months but I got over it, once I realised I had no control over a person's past (or present, really), and I stopped doing it since then. It's a wee bit immature when put into perspective but I definitely feel Joe will eventually end this marriage, should it even occur. And, like some have said, 'Matt' might already know, hence why he's so pissed. Info spreads like wildfire, all it takes is some person in a passing car to see you together, it's hard to avoid.