Jessie2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) I have a situation that I feel guilty about and could use some advice. I recently got engaged to a wonderful man who means the world to me. He is just agreat guy all around and I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible inevery way even if our backgrounds differ a bit – and by that I mean our sexual histories. Matt ”is a “good guy” and has only had 2 previous partners, both long term. I’ve hadmore than that. We never exchanged actual numbers, but we did have a couple oftalks because he’s very big on marrying a girl, who as he says, “shares hisvalues.” He said he can accept that I’ve had “some partners” but he does notwant to meet any of them but if we were to run into any of them to tell him. Isaid no problem and that I’ve had “so few” that this would probably never happen. Well, there is a guy, “Joe” who is part of our social circle. Matt doesn’t like himbecause he views him, accurately, as a player who doesn’t respect women. He disapproveswhen we see him at some party or function with a different girl everytime. Matt shakes his head and alwaystells me how incredibly gullible some women must be to fall for Joe’s *hit. My problem is that in the past Joe and I were “together.” He was the bad boy thatI thought I wanted. We spent a couple of months together in an anything goessexual relationship. I wanted more, Joe did not, and we both moved on but remained friendly. I’ve never told Matt about Joe. Joe has beenover to our condo numerous times. I feel guilty about not telling Matt. What makes it worse is that Matt trusts mecompletely. He’s told me about fantasies he has that he would like for us totry together since it would be “new” for both of us. In fact, even though Ihave not told him this, none of what Matt wants to try is new to me. Joe and Ipretty well did everything and I feel guilty that I did stuff with Joe that I wouldlove to have done only with my “One and Only,” Matt. I guess I’m scared about how bad Matt’s reaction will be if I tell him – I knowfor a fact it will be negative. Joe doesnot know that I have not told Matt so there’s always a chance he could saysomething stupid. How do I move forward with this delicate situation that I am feeling increasingly guilty about? Edited March 7, 2013 by Jessie2013 edit
StanMusial Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Where did you copy/paste this from? Try to clean it up some wouldja? 6
Author Jessie2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Hi. I typed this in Word and then copied it here but some words got pushed together. I tried editing it twice but it won't let me now. Sorry. Edited March 7, 2013 by Jessie2013 edit
mn311601 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Sounds pretty normal to me, woman not telling her "perfect man" everything about her past because she doesn't want to ruin it. So much for telling him any time you see someone that you've been with before. 1
aed Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Sounds pretty normal to me, woman not telling her "perfect man" everything about her past because she doesn't want to ruin it. So much for telling him any time you see someone that you've been with before. [sarcasme] and then when they have everything they want from guys like math (childeren, stable home etc) they and up cheating with a joe in the long run, because they miss the thrill of joe And then math is thinking: "but I thought I had a girl that is different and views sex and relationships like me".[/sarcasme] OP yes he is going to be hurt (same would be If he would told you had slept with 7 hookers or any other thing you wont like about his past). But being honest and dont judge him for his feelings and don't project his insecurities on your own. Then you could work it out.... And keep a little distant from Joe, and do reject things sexual with math, that you did with Joe. Because you want math to think you are a perfect/good girl. edit: I over read the part that math already suggested things and you smiled and didn't do anything and kept lying.... Still come clean: but be prepared that he will be angry because you deceived him. Edited March 7, 2013 by aed 2
FitChick Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Distance yourself from Joe. Why does he come to your place if you both don't like him. 17
yessy21 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Joe shouldnt be in your place. to visit neither since your perfect guy doesnt like him very much. So thats your answer. 4
Quiet Storm Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 He said he can accept that I’ve had “some partners” but he does notwant to meet any of them but if we were to run into any of them to tell him. Isaid no problem and that I’ve had “so few” that this would probably never happen. You know what you have to do. You have to tell him before you marry him. You omitted an important piece of information because you wanted to avoid conflict. You don't want to hurt his feelings, you don't want him to view in a different light, you don't feel this information is pertinent to your relationship with your finance, and you don't feel that these actions reflect the person that you are now. All those reasons boil down to one thing: avoiding conflict. He told you up front what his expectations are, and those expectations are very understandable. He asked to be told in these circumstances because not knowing will make him feel like a chump. He socialized with a guy that had been with you, and was kept in the dark about it. He is going to be very disappointed in your actions. He will wonder why his wonderful fiance would allow herself to be used like that. He calls the women that Joe brings home "gullible" and he wants his GF to be better and smarter than that. He is going to feel very disrespected by you. He could be blindsided by this information at any time, if Joe decides to disclose it. Matt will be very upset that Joe was privvy to info about his fiance, info that the love of his life declined to tell him. He will feel embarrased. He will feel that you put him in situations that were likely to cause him embarrassment, which he will see as disrespect. Matt will feel that you had the opportunity to protect him from being blindsided by being upfront and honest, and instead, you chose to protect yourself and your image. He may even decide to call off the wedding, because this information may cause him to decide that you two don't share the same values. However, if you don't tell, and he finds out from the "bad boy", it will be even more devastating. We all know that players run their mouths, so it's likely Joe has told others about his fun, and the activities that you did with him. It's not just Joe you have to worry about, but those he may have told about it. At least show him the respect he deserves and tell him, before he hears it from someone else. 8
ThaWholigan Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Distance yourself from Joe. Why does he come to your place if you both don't like him. Agreed. I'm not convinced that this is even real (there's been a few of these stories that prove to be fake), but we must give the benefit of the doubt : You might have to face his ire by telling the truth - secrets are never good. What is weird is why this person is so prominent in your inner circle? 8
mitchell Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Really, why is this guy joe even in the picture? Your perfect fiance doesn't like him, and you let him f@(K you every which way in the past. Get rid of him and get on with your lives.
CptSaveAho Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 sad part of this story is Matt is toast... its why joe is still in the circle... 3
Ami1uwant Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 You have to tell him about Joe and see what happens. Coming from a guy....if I was in his shoes(Im likely very similar to him in personalty) this is how I would feel..... If you came out and told me I would be curious as to why...but it likely wouldnt damage the relationship. If I was to find out on my own by talking with UJoe about his explooits then I would be pissed at you for lying to me and me finding out this way. Te relationship would be alot more fragile---you said you would tell me who your past bfs were. It damages significantly my trust in you.
CudLRoo Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Yup, Joe is gonna f*ck it all up...like he does every night. If you still *want* Joe then maybe this guy isn't for you, the hurt'll murder him, and he'll NEVER be the same again. I'll reiterate what previous posters have said - get rid of Joe. Full stop/period. It's weird how Americans drink, mildly, us in the UK drink like Charles Bukowski, Joe'd be getting a glass around the head over here if the bf was present! 1
Author Jessie2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I absolutely do not want to hurt Matt in any way. Also, I do not consider myself promiscuous. Yeah, I've had more partners than Matt but I was never "breezy" with my sexuality even in college. So my relationship with Joe was really not my norm at all. I guess I figured after being with the proverbial nice guys, I would try a bad boy and see how it went. Well, it didn't go so well. I just wish I could make it up to Matt without him flipping out. As far as hanging around with Joe, it's not like he's around all the time. I can't really detail it because I don't want somebody to identify all this. Fact is, we can't really "get rid of Joe" from the social circle. I guess we can limit it but we can't sever it.
carhill Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 IMO, you had better do a smokin' good job of making Matt's 'fantasies' come true if you choose to keep the info about Joe close to your belt. Further, as this is an engagement, I'd recommend PMC regarding handling and communicating future issues that you perceive might 'hurt' Matt. Good luck and welcome to LS 2
dichotomy Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) I am "a Matt" to a woman like you. I found out after the marriage. It was devastating, and we have never fully recovered from it. I agree with everything quietstorm said and more - love is not lying, hiding or disrespecting. Having Joe over to your condo, or hanging around with him and your man without him knowing is the worst kind of disrespect and is not loving. Tell him now! Edited March 7, 2013 by dichotomy 4
Woggle Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Somewhere down the road Joe will throw a huge monkey wrench in this marriage. 4
carhill Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 That's possible Wogs but it doesn't have to end up that way. I hope the OP takes some of our perspectives to heart and examines her options. She has choices here. She also apparently has a good man. Let's hope they can work it out to be a positive for *both* of them. Joe is really a side-show, and can easily be dismissed, as both principals here appear to have the same negative view of him. All that matters now is how it all is processed. 1
tbf Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I said no problem and that I’ve had “so few” that this would probably never happen.You've agreed to this so it's time to ante up. Tell Matt or it's going to hit the fan WHEN he finds out.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I think "Matt" just needs to man up and not be a baby about it. Yeah the player sounds like a lousy person to hang around with, but if Matt likes you he has to be ok with some things.
ThaWholigan Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I think "Matt" just needs to man up and not be a baby about it. Yeah the player sounds like a lousy person to hang around with, but if Matt likes you he has to be ok with some things. 49322 - raging against the machine since 2011
aed Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I think "Matt" just needs to man up and not be a baby about it. Yeah the player sounds like a lousy person to hang around with, but if Matt likes you he has to be ok with some things. She shouldn't have lied to math. That is the biggest problem.... If she was straight from the point, there wouldn't be a problem. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I don't see this ending well for you Jesse, unless you take dramatic action. Then there might be a way out. Maybe. You basically have to choose between your social circle or your fiance. As in you either (a) tell Matt about Joe and do whatever it takes to get Joe out of your life--which might include cutting yourself from your social circle, or (b) do nothing and hold your breath each time knowing that eventually Matt will find out. I can tell you from experience that men are actually surprisingly forgiving of your past as long as we are aware of it from the beginning. See then we know the deal and if a relationship happens--which might--you have nothing to worry about. It's when you put on the "good girl" image and then we find out is when we feel really angry. Several weeks ago a woman came on here in tears when her "perfect" boyfriend found out from other sources about her history--that she was not upfront about--and basically threw her out like spoiled meat. She never knew that the man she loved could be so cold to her. Unless you fess up and do whatever it takes to remove Joe from your life it is quite likely to happen to you. PS: The names you pick for your fiance is interesting. Matt? As in Door? I wonder if that was a Freudian slip on your part. 2
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