Trailweary48 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I posted my situation in another thread, but I guilty left out some details. I am a 27 year old married female and can't stop thinking about my 42 year old single male friend. We both work in the same field, share the same interests, we go over to each other's place once in a while (I don't tell my husband when I go over, and he comes over when my husband is out of town). When we get together we always have a bottle of wine and have really great discussions. He knows I don't have a good marriage. My husband "works from home" while I pay ALL the bills the whole four years we've been married. I have a graduate degree and he barely graduated high school. He was my first boyfriend ever at age 21 and since no one else seem interested in me I stayed with him. Turns out, his friends tell him how beautiful I am and what a lucky guy he is! No one ever told me that when I was single! In essence it's like being a single mother taking care of a child. We never have sex anymore because I don't respect him and the last time we did have sex he told me not to be so boring. Geez. Well, I was over at my friend's place last week talking and he abruptly came across the room to sit on the couch with me to be closer. I automatically wanted to snuggle up against him and talk about our day, but really had to fight it. I could tell he wanted something to happen, but doesn't want to make the first move and seem like a creeper. He did touch my leg a few times, so I reciprocated. After I left his place we emailed back and forth the next few days and he brought up the fact that he wishes he was younger. I playfully told him 40 is the new 30, which he liked. The next time I see him in a few weeks will be for an overnight trip and I want to show him how I feel. He's never had a serious girlfriend for the years I've known him and I know he is really lonely and craves some physical contact. My husband knows about the trip and knows we are friends so it isn't throwing up any red flags. I do have feelings for my friend, but I know it can't be a serious relationship. He owns property outside of the country and plans to retire there soon. I just started my career in a very niche field and there is no way I can leave the country and do the same kind if work. I also plan on having a family and he's told me before that he's happy he never had any children nor does he ever want any. We can't take the relationship to the next level, but why be lonely when there is someone who wants to be with you right now? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Realist3 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Are you asking for permission to have an affair with this guy?
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If you are unhappy and your marriage is bad, then DO NOT bring a child into this mess. You are flirting with fire big time here. Time to look into counseling because you're sneaking around, lying to your husband, pretending and manipulating, all the meanwhile your husband hasn't a clue what has been going on under his nose and he probably has NO idea that you don't love him and your marriage isn't good. That other guy? He ain't your friend at all, even if you have known him for a long time. 1
LFH Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If you are unhappy and your marriage is bad, then DO NOT bring a child into this mess. You are flirting with fire big time here. Time to look into counseling because you're sneaking around, lying to your husband, pretending and manipulating, all the meanwhile your husband hasn't a clue what has been going on under his nose and he probably has NO idea that you don't love him and your marriage isn't good. That other guy? He ain't your friend at all, even if you have known him for a long time. He told her not to be so boring in bed. That sounds "really" loving to me. <sarcasm> I agree, don't bring a baby into this mess. Ick. Talk about compounding a mess. It sounds to me like you settled for marriage with this guy who you didn't really love because youd idn't want to be alone and felt like your options were limited. You've come to realize that is NOT the case and don't want to be with someone who you don't even seem to really like, much less love or respect. Time to get a divorce. Core problems such as knowing you never wanted to be married to him can't be fixed. Feeling like a single mom to your husband, can't be fixed. What does he do that he works from home? (Lots of people legitimately do.. I did myself for years while bringing in a very comfortable income) If he's not really working and contributing I find it unlikely that he's suddenly going to get a job and stop acting like a child, and why would he? You've never made him. If you do now, he's going to be resentful and pouty, like a petulant child. Not fixable. The other guy, I disagree that he's not your friend, but I also think that there are an awful lot of flags there ASIDE from the idea that it would be an affair. You know that there's no future with him. Now, you ask if anyone has been in this kind of situation before and my answer is kinda yes and kinda no. If all you wanted was companionship and you were both single, I'd tell you to go for it, but you want more. You want a family. You obviously don't want it with your husband and you'll never get it with this guy. Why not take the time now, before you complicate things, and figure out what it is that you DO want for yourself, divorce and let your husband find someone who really does love him, flaws and all, and start dating because it sounds like you never really did. Once you know what you want out of a partner you'll be in a better place to find someone that is a good fit for you and to begin the family you want. The friend? That would be a stop gap measure. You run the risk of a lot of pain on a lot of sides that's unnecessary. That includes losing what sounds like a long term friendship, over something that you already know you don't want long term. Just some things to think about. 1
Author Trailweary48 Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I know I am the one with the problem. It sounds terrible, but I think I am just trying to test the waters to see if I am compatible with anyone. I've only ever been with my husband and I can see my life and opportunities passing me by with him as extra baggage. My heart goes out to my friend because he's been a bachelor for so long and has given up on women, when I know he enjoys my company and wants to be there for me. He knows about my husband taking my credits cards and spending thousands of dollars on himself and a lot of other messed up stuff he's done. He even suggested I buy a house in his neighborhood so we can spend more time together! From now on, I think I will only spend time with him in a social situations or not at all. He deserves that and not my crazy, messed up self.
Decorative Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I know I am the one with the problem. It sounds terrible, but I think I am just trying to test the waters to see if I am compatible with anyone. I've only ever been with my husband and I can see my life and opportunities passing me by with him as extra baggage. My heart goes out to my friend because he's been a bachelor for so long and has given up on women, when I know he enjoys my company and wants to be there for me. He knows about my husband taking my credits cards and spending thousands of dollars on himself and a lot of other messed up stuff he's done. He even suggested I buy a house in his neighborhood so we can spend more time together! From now on, I think I will only spend time with him in a social situations or not at all. He deserves that and not my crazy, messed up self. You're being played by your friend, just so you know. He hasn't given up on women at all. He's trying to prep you to cheat with him. 2
wisernow Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I don't really think this guy is playing her, rather, she is playing her husband. oP, if your marriage is so horrible, why in the hell don't you just divorce, then you are free to do all your doing out in the open. You really bad mouth your husband, which leads me to question why you married him in the first place. You certainly knew (prior) to marriage that he didn't have a college education, but you married him anyway. I wonder what else you knew about him that you happily overlooked and married him anyway. It really speaks volumes about you that you bad mouth him now. I also question how you plan on spending a weekend with this dude and not sleeping with him ( if you haven't already). Also, what did you tell your husband that he'd be fine with some overnights with another man? The only person getting played, is your husband. Just divorce him already.
spice4life Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I know I am the one with the problem. It sounds terrible, but I think I am just trying to test the waters to see if I am compatible with anyone. I've only ever been with my husband and I can see my life and opportunities passing me by with him as extra baggage. My heart goes out to my friend because he's been a bachelor for so long and has given up on women, when I know he enjoys my company and wants to be there for me. He knows about my husband taking my credits cards and spending thousands of dollars on himself and a lot of other messed up stuff he's done. He even suggested I buy a house in his neighborhood so we can spend more time together! From now on, I think I will only spend time with him in a social situations or not at all. He deserves that and not my crazy, messed up self. It really saddens me to read stories like yours because you choose to settle instead of taking control of your life and making changes that will lead you to a happier life. My only suggestion is for you to stop looking outside yourself to fill the void your feeling right now. Why don't you just sit down with your husband and tell him how unhappy you are and let him know you want to either fix the problem or you want out. Those are truly the only right choices in this situation. They are the healthy choices. If you get involved with this "older" guy you wil only end up in an emotional mess that can take years to fix. What if he falls in love with you and isn't aware that you only view him as a "fix" for your marriage. NO ONE can fix your marriage except you. Don't drag a third party into the mess...do something about it instead. You're only a victim if you allow yourself to be. Question, how do you know this guy is lonely? He may be perfectly happy with his life...ya know? I am single and "older" as you say, but I am quite happy with where my life is headed. I know the only person that can make me happy is me and I would be totally insulted if somone was viewing me as sad and lonely.
Pierre Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I don't really think this guy is playing her, rather, she is playing her husband. oP, if your marriage is so horrible, why in the hell don't you just divorce, then you are free to do all your doing out in the open. You really bad mouth your husband, which leads me to question why you married him in the first place. You certainly knew (prior) to marriage that he didn't have a college education, but you married him anyway. I wonder what else you knew about him that you happily overlooked and married him anyway. It really speaks volumes about you that you bad mouth him now. I also question how you plan on spending a weekend with this dude and not sleeping with him ( if you haven't already). Also, what did you tell your husband that he'd be fine with some overnights with another man? The only person getting played, is your husband. Just divorce him already. She does not want a divorce. She is just bored. All married people go through this. Only the dishonest people end up cheating.
spice4life Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I wanted to add one more thing. I think it's possible that you are projecting how you are feeling inside onto this guy.
Author Trailweary48 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Like I said before, I will be leaving him alone. I know I am the one with the problem and need to get my house in order. 1
wisernow Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She does not want a divorce. She is just bored. All married people go through this. Only the dishonest people end up cheating. Could be , Pierre, but I certainly heard nothing from the OP that she cares about her husband or the marriage. Not one thing. She bad mouths him, listing all the reasons she is so superior. She also lists reasons why she can't have anything longterm with the OM, such as wanting kids and his moving to another country. My advice might have been different if she didn't come across so smug and uncaring of the man she CHOSE to marry. So, my advice stands. Divorce your husband so he can find a woman who can be faithful and will love him for who he is. 1
wisernow Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Like I said before, I will be leaving him alone. I know I am the one with the problem and need to get my house in order. Before or after your weekend getaway with the OM?
Pierre Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 She is just a married woman that wants to cheat. She has no clue she is about to destroy her life. She also needs to demonize her husband to justify her betrayal. She sounds like a very typical mow. 1
Author Trailweary48 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Could be , Pierre, but I certainly heard nothing from the OP that she cares about her husband or the marriage. Not one thing. She bad mouths him, listing all the reasons she is so superior. She also lists reasons why she can't have anything longterm with the OM, such as wanting kids and his moving to another country. My advice might have been different if she didn't come across so smug and uncaring of the man she CHOSE to marry. So, my advice stands. Divorce your husband so he can find a woman who can be faithful and will love him for who he is. She is just a married woman that wants to cheat. She has no clue she is about to destroy her life. She also needs to demonize her husband to justify her betrayal. She sounds like a very typical mow. I did leave out the part that my husband bruised me so badly in a fight that he ended up going to jail, so if I come off smug and uncaring sorry. I cancelled going on the overnight trip with him (it was with a group of people, not just us).
wisernow Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I did leave out the part that my husband bruised me so badly in a fight that he ended up going to jail, so if I come off smug and uncaring sorry. I cancelled going on the overnight trip with him (it was with a group of people, not just us). Yea, you could have led with that, and really surprised you didn't. Talking about his lack of education and his lackluster lovemaking isn't nearly the whammy as abuse. So, why are you with him? What do you think he'll do to you if he finds out you're cheating, And you are cheating btw.
Author Trailweary48 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) First, he told me that I was lackluster at lovemaking, not the other way around. Secondly, he's told me that he would kill himself if I ever left him so he's holding me hostage that way. We've had serious discussions about divorce before, and he goes through brief stages of trying to make an effort, but then he goes back to his old ways. If we do get a divorce, I'll have to support him financially through the process because he is practically penniless. In essence I just want to be in a stable relationship with someone who has their life together, and for me, that means divorce. Edited March 8, 2013 by Redhead1849
wisernow Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Well, he told me that I was lackluster at lovemaking, so that made me feel good. Secondly, he's told me that he would kill himself if I ever left him so he's holding me hostage that way. We've had serious discussions about divorce before, and he goes through brief stages of trying to make an effort, but then he goes back to his old ways. If we do get a divorce, I'll have to support him financially through the process because he is practically penniless. In essence I just want to be in a stable relationship with someone who has their life together, and for me, that means divorce. His crying suicide is nothing but manipulation. And, yes, you do deserve a stable relationship, and I hope you get it. But filling your life with others while married isn't the way, and will likely just prolong getting a divorce. It's like a crutch. Good luck to you! Sounds like you know what you need to do. 2
spice4life Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Well, he told me that I was lackluster at lovemaking, so that made me feel good. Secondly, he's told me that he would kill himself if I ever left him so he's holding me hostage that way. We've had serious discussions about divorce before, and he goes through brief stages of trying to make an effort, but then he goes back to his old ways. If we do get a divorce, I'll have to support him financially through the process because he is practically penniless. In essence I just want to be in a stable relationship with someone who has their life together, and for me, that means divorce. This is a whole different story. If you are being abused then you have to start looking for resources to help you get out. It can be done and why would you need to support him if there are no children involved? If he's abusing then who cares if he is penniless. He has no right to hurt you and once you take the steps to take care of yourself by getting the heck out you will see you aren't responsible for his actions. He is! That's what I meant when I said that you are only a victim if you allow yourself to be. That's not a put down and if you ever decide to take action and leave you will see things in a whole different way. I know because I did it myself. Please don't settle for abuse. No one has the right to abuse anyone! Please take the steps to get yourself out of this situation. If you don't then you will end up feeling completely hopeless and severly depressed. You have the right to choose not to accept this. I hope you see that. 1
Pierre Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Wow! There are three As that should lead to divorce: A: Abuse A: Affairs A: Addiction You already have two out of three. If what you say about your H is true you need to leave. If he hits you be could very well kill you if he discovers your affair. Get out now! And forget om. He is simply grooming you to be his ow. Don't be so naive! 2
Eggplant Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 A: Abuse A: Affairs A: Addiction I've heard 4 A's: AbuseAdulteryAddictionAbandonment
Eggplant Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I did leave out the part that my husband bruised me so badly in a fight that he ended up going to jail, so if I come off smug and uncaring sorry. This is a very good reason to leave. If he hits you once, he will do it again. The suicide threat is extremely frightening and it is emotional abuse. 2
Author Trailweary48 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 And forget om. He is simply grooming you to be his ow. Don't be so naive! To be fair, I've been grooming him to be the OM too. Dinners at my house, asking if I can come over to his place to borrow a DVD or book, etc. Can't put all the blame on him.
ThatJustHappened Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Atta girl Redhead. It sounds like you really do understand your situation and are doing the right things to extricate yourself from it. Your husband won't kill himself if you leave him, and if he does, it won't be your fault.
Pierre Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 To be fair, I've been grooming him to be the OM too. Dinners at my house, asking if I can come over to his place to borrow a DVD or book, etc. Can't put all the blame on him. OK, that is what potential affair partners do. The bull$hit each other endlessly, it is a mating dance. Your H hits you. You need to get out now. It will not be pretty when he finds out you slept with this guy. Someone ias going to get hurt badly. End your marriage now. I was mistaken and i felt you were a typical bored MOW, but I seems your marriage is dead. So why stay married?
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