Mixed Signals.

[ConfinLuv]

This MOM sits next to me and is extremely good looking. I joined this place 2years back and had an instant emotional connection with him. We both are crazy about each other but things are too complicated as both of us are married and have kids in picture. Since its at work we can't cross boundaries. He has been dropping signals all the time like staring at me, constantly tapping his feet when I'm around, following me around the office, going back and forth till we have an eye contact. I have to confess I'm strongly attracted to him but try not to show it as I don't want to ruin my job or marraige. So I act as if I don't care where as inside I feel like dying. When I'm home I constantly think about him and even cry when I'm alone. I know its morally incorrect to have such feelings outside marriage. About this guy, he wants me to react and if I don't he has different ways to show he is upset by sniffing/crying, throwing things loudly in trash or just walking out of office for extended hours. He constantly discusses about his feelings for me to his friends loudly so I can hear it but has never tried to directly express himself to me. This will be hard to believe we haven't spoken a word for last 2yrs even though we sit next to each other. But there is lot of non verbal communication via body language going on. This is driving me crazy and have to take medication either to relax or have sound sleep. I have no clue how to act in this situation

[wisernow]

This MOM sits next to me and is extremely good looking. I joined this place 2years back and had an instant emotional connection with him. We both are crazy about each other but things are too complicated as both of us are married and have kids in picture. Since its at work we can't cross boundaries. He has been dropping signals all the time like staring at me, constantly tapping his feet when I'm around, following me around the office, going back and forth till we have an eye contact. I have to confess I'm strongly attracted to him but try not to show it as I don't want to ruin my job or marraige. So I act as if I don't care where as inside I feel like dying. When I'm home I constantly think about him and even cry when I'm alone. I know its morally incorrect to have such feelings outside marriage. About this guy, he wants me to react and if I don't he has different ways to show he is upset by sniffing/crying, throwing things loudly in trash or just walking out of office for extended hours. He constantly discusses about his feelings for me to his friends loudly so I can hear it but has never tried to directly express himself to me. This will be hard to believe we haven't spoken a word for last 2yrs even though we sit next to each other. But there is lot of non verbal communication via body language going on. This is driving me crazy and have to take medication either to relax or have sound sleep. I have no clue how to act in this situation

 

Okay, I'll bite. My advice: A trip to HR, a new job, and a therapist.

[psm04]

This seems more like harassment from his part than attraction. I'm shocked that he is discussing his feelings for you to his co-workers, since he is married! Also, you say you haven't spoken a word to him in 2 years, but you have an emotional connection. How do you know that, if you don't know anything about him? Anyway, my suggestion is that you should move away from this guy if you can't leave your job, or like someone else suggested, go to HR, or even your husband.

[Pierre]

This MOM sits next to me and is extremely good looking. I joined this place 2years back and had an instant emotional connection with him. We both are crazy about each other but things are too complicated as both of us are married and have kids in picture. Since its at work we can't cross boundaries. He has been dropping signals all the time like staring at me, constantly tapping his feet when I'm around, following me around the office, going back and forth till we have an eye contact. I have to confess I'm strongly attracted to him but try not to show it as I don't want to ruin my job or marraige. So I act as if I don't care where as inside I feel like dying. When I'm home I constantly think about him and even cry when I'm alone. I know its morally incorrect to have such feelings outside marriage. About this guy, he wants me to react and if I don't he has different ways to show he is upset by sniffing/crying, throwing things loudly in trash or just walking out of office for extended hours. He constantly discusses about his feelings for me to his friends loudly so I can hear it but has never tried to directly express himself to me. This will be hard to believe we haven't spoken a word for last 2yrs even though we sit next to each other. But there is lot of non verbal communication via body language going on. This is driving me crazy and have to take medication either to relax or have sound sleep. I have no clue how to act in this situation

 

Why do you call your post mixed signals?

 

It is quite clear he wants to have intercourse with you?

 

It is quite clear he loves the GAME because you react to his every move. If you did not react he would have stopped a long time ago.

 

He is probably a narcissist.

 

It is normal to feel attraction for co-workers. Happens to everybody. Most people deal with it and do not cross the line.

 

If you cross the line you will suffer greatly.

[Pierre]

This seems more like harassment from his part than attraction. I'm shocked that he is discussing his feelings for you to his co-workers, since he is married! Also, you say you haven't spoken a word to him in 2 years, but you have an emotional connection. How do you know that, if you don't know anything about him? Anyway, my suggestion is that you should move away from this guy if you can't leave your job, or like someone else suggested, go to HR, or even your husband.

 

Typical narcissist.

[LadyGrey]

OMG, the bolded.......you better run, he sounds very unstable and very icky. If you find that attractive, you need to get some therapy because it's not. It should scare you. "sniffing and crying" Makes me wanna puke just hearing about it.

 

You are taking medication to cope with a crazy man? Please just stop, doing this to yourself.

 

 

 

 

This MOM sits next to me and is extremely good looking. I joined this place 2years back and had an instant emotional connection with him. We both are crazy about each other but things are too complicated as both of us are married and have kids in picture. Since its at work we can't cross boundaries. He has been dropping signals all the time like staring at me, constantly tapping his feet when I'm around, following me around the office, going back and forth till we have an eye contact. I have to confess I'm strongly attracted to him but try not to show it as I don't want to ruin my job or marraige. So I act as if I don't care where as inside I feel like dying. When I'm home I constantly think about him and even cry when I'm alone. I know its morally incorrect to have such feelings outside marriage. About this guy, he wants me to react and if I don't he has different ways to show he is upset by sniffing/crying, throwing things loudly in trash or just walking out of office for extended hours. He constantly discusses about his feelings for me to his friends loudly so I can hear it but has never tried to directly express himself to me. This will be hard to believe we haven't spoken a word for last 2yrs even though we sit next to each other. But there is lot of non verbal communication via body language going on. This is driving me crazy and have to take medication either to relax or have sound sleep. I have no clue how to act in this situation

[Pierre]

OMG, the bolded.......you better run, he sounds very unstable and very icky. If you find that attractive, you need to get some therapy because it's not. It should scare you. "sniffing and crying" Makes me wanna puke just hearing about it.

 

You are taking medication to cope with a crazy man? Please just stop, doing this to yourself.

 

Exactly, he sounds pathologic.

 

However, for a woman in need of validation these stupid tantrums are validation.

[ThatJustHappened]

If this thread is for real (which I don't think it is), switch desks. If that doesn't work..switch jobs. But either way, report this crazy person to HR..he sounds like a nutball.

[waterwoman]

He sounds like a particularly nasty misogynistic form of office bully to me. Tell him to grow up and leave you alone. If he doesn't speak to HR. Sexual harassment is a disciplinary offence in any reputable organisation.

[ConfinLuv]

If you cross the line you will suffer greatly.

 

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

[LadyGrey]

If you cross the line you will suffer greatly.

 

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

 

Those signs............ought to be telling you to stay far, far away.

 

If you go down this road with a man like that, you will be broken completely.

 

I see a potentially abusive man in what you've described.

 

Wanting you to make it clear to him, is a game, don't fall for it. He acts like a little boy having a tantrum already, and you aren't in a affair.

 

Seriously, I can't stress this enough, this man is very bad news.

[ConfinLuv]

This seems more like harassment from his part than attraction. I'm shocked that he is discussing his feelings for you to his co-workers, since he is married! Also, you say you haven't spoken a word to him in 2 years, but you have an emotional connection. How do you know that, if you don't know anything about him? Anyway, my suggestion is that you should move away from this guy if you can't leave your job, or like someone else suggested, go to HR, or even your husband.

 

Thanks for your advise, I'm shifting my desks, I have discussed his behaviour with my husband in past and he suggested just ignore him and it shud stop.

[RainDown]

Frankly, I would change jobs or visit HR. This man(boy) appears to be pretty juvenile and fairly impulsive. That is not a good combination of traits and I have a hard time understanding why you are so attracted to him that you cry at home and think about him. He's just one big old red flag after another.

 

Actually, scratch what I said about HR - just change jobs. I don't think HR can help with your attraction to him.

[whichwayisup]

If you cross the line you will suffer greatly.

 

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

 

Curiosity killed the cat!

 

Don't let your ego and curiosity get in the way of your job. Do all that you can to avoid this guy at work and focus on keeping busy and your work load. If you can't handle seeing him daily, then possibly think about looking for another job or ask for a transfer.

[ConfinLuv]

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

 

Those signs............ought to be telling you to stay far, far away.

 

If you go down this road with a man like that, you will be broken completely.

 

I see a potentially abusive man in what you've described.

 

Wanting you to make it clear to him, is a game, don't fall for it. He acts like a little boy having a tantrum already, and you aren't in a affair.

 

Seriously, I can't stress this enough, this man is very bad news.

 

Thanks for your insights, I'm glad I made this post, I've been trying to convince myself that he only wants to get physical and nothing long term. You are right he is playing games and I'm falling for it. I will try to stay far far away for him and not act on any emotions

[Pierre]

If you cross the line you will suffer greatly.

 

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

 

It is a game.

 

And you fall for it. You are all over this. He can tell you react in a positive manner so he keeps going.

 

The important issue is:

 

A woman with healthy self esteem would be repulsed by this guy.

 

For a woman with low self esteem seeking validation his behavior is acceptable and even erotic.

[Pierre]

I've been trying to convince myself that he only wants to get physical and nothing long term.

 

WTF??????????????????????????????:(

 

Are you saying that if he played his cards better or if he wanted a long term fling you would be available? You have OW memes? :sick:

 

However, I give you kudos for telling your H. Did you tell the whole story? Did you tell H you are having fantasies about this so called man?

[ConfinLuv]

Frankly, I would change jobs or visit HR. This man(boy) appears to be pretty juvenile and fairly impulsive. That is not a good combination of traits and I have a hard time understanding why you are so attracted to him that you cry at home and think about him. He's just one big old red flag after another.

 

Actually, scratch what I said about HR - just change jobs. I don't think HR can help with your attraction to him.

 

 

I feel sad when I see him sniffing and that he is trying so hard to get my attention. I have no clue what he is thinking and what he really wants

I don't want to go to HR as he is senior and has strong connection in upper mgmnt. I've been burned in my prev job by HR for approaching them for diff reason. For now I'll just stay away from him

[ConfinLuv]

Curiosity killed the cat!

 

Don't let your ego and curiosity get in the way of your job. Do all that you can to avoid this guy at work and focus on keeping busy and your work load. If you can't handle seeing him daily, then possibly think about looking for another job or ask for a transfer.

 

Luckily I work from home every alternate week and helps me stay away from him.

[ConfinLuv]

Thanks for your advise, I haven't crossed any lines and do not intend to. Its just an emotional rollercoaster that is driving me crazy. I say mixed signals since he does not want to approach directly yet sends out such strong and obvious signs of his interest.

 

It is a game.

 

And you fall for it. You are all over this. He can tell you react in a positive manner so he keeps going.

 

The important issue is:

 

A woman with healthy self esteem would be repulsed by this guy.

 

For a woman with low self esteem seeking validation his behavior is acceptable and even erotic.

 

Your opinion is appreciated just wanted to bring up he is very attractive and likeable person. Always surrounded by people especially ladies, this strange behaviour is only with me and that is confusing. I try not to act on any of his moves and that is what makes him upset and he reacts in certain way as mentioned in my original post.

[Pierre]

Your opinion is appreciated just wanted to bring up he is very attractive and likeable person. Always surrounded by people especially ladies, this strange behaviour is only with me and that is confusing. I try not to act on any of his moves and that is what makes him upset and he reacts in certain way as mentioned in my original post.

 

That he is charming and smooth is a given. It is part of the personality profile of a philanderer. This charm is like a magnet for needy women. Why is he so attractive to you? Most women with healthy self esteem would be puking.

 

How is your marriage? Are you in a bad relationship? Is that why you are receptive?

[LadyGrey]

I think you aren't realizing that he has picked you, because he sensed that he can play you. It is NOT flattering. This man has sleezeball written all over him.

 

Please ignore him, it's in your best interest.

 

This isn't about him caring about you, he wants to use you, for sex, for ego strokes and some men get off on knowing that they can.

[Pierre]

I think you aren't realizing that he has picked you, because he sensed that he can play you. It is NOT flattering. This man has sleezeball written all over him.

 

Please ignore him, it's in your best interest.

 

This isn't about him caring about you, he wants to use you, for sex, for ego strokes and some men get off on knowing that they can.

 

And when they find the prey they zoom in. He would not pull that stunt on a strong woman.

[jlola]

OMG, the bolded.......you better run, he sounds very unstable and very icky. If you find that attractive, you need to get some therapy because it's not. It should scare you. "sniffing and crying" Makes me wanna puke just hearing about it.

 

You are taking medication to cope with a crazy man? Please just stop, doing this to yourself.

 

So glad many people are recognizing personality disorders. Charmers and seducers. many are married and good looking.

Knowledge is power!!! I wish everyone would be aware of these people and save lots of destruction and heartache.

 

Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:

 

 

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

 

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

 

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

 

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

 

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

 

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

 

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

 

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

 

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

 

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

 

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

 

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

 

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

 

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Self-love, Narcissism, Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Relationships with Abusers, Stalkers, and Bullies - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited).

 

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

 

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

 

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

 

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

 

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

 

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

 

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

 

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

 

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

 

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

 

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

 

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

 

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

 

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

 

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

 

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

 

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

 

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

 

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

 

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

 

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

 

In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.

[jlola]

And when they find the prey they zoom in. He would not pull that stunt on a strong woman.

 

So true. They know exactly who will be drawn to their drama. Usually choose a kind,empathetic person who is not happy with their lives and looking for validation.