Am i too sensitive?

[dutch1980]

Hi all

 

Im posting on here because i am going through some difficult times in my marriage.

Before we got married, me and my wife never argued. We didnt live together beforehand and this is where the trouble began.

 

Over the past 3 years of marriage, i have had a very difficult time in dealing with my wife's hot-headed outbursts. They have hurt me a lot. We have had terrible rows at least 2 out of every 4 weekends and it is destroying us both.

 

They have generally consisted of her getting angry at me when i ask a question that she thinks is stupid and asks me 'why would i ask that?'. A lot of the time they are just general questions.

 

She has a habit of losing her temper over small things and it takes me more time than she thinks necessary to get over this and this then leads to her eventually blaming me for being too sensitive and letting things carry on unresolved for too long. I try to tell her it takes time to heal but she doesnt accept it.

 

Over time, it has become harder and harder to deal with her outbursts and she has labelled me as being too sensitive and that she is not angry, she is a 'passionate' person.

It didnt matter how much i tried to tell her that even though she thought this, it still hurt me none-the-less.

 

It has now got to a point in the marriage where i feel nervous about asking the wrong questions, or not getting my words out properly for fear she will get annoyed.

 

I am a sensitive person but not so sensitive that everything around me crushes me. In fact, i have no problems with anyone other than her in this respect.

 

A week ago, we had a bad argument over the way she was treating me and this time round something changed within me. I couldn't take it anymore. I have become full of anger and resentment myself over the way she thinks she can lose her temper at me whenever she feels like it.

 

She said she has been trying harder lately to control it which i think she has but i may be too little too late.

 

I have been sleeping downstairs since last week.

 

What makes it worse is that she suffered a bereavement recently and i really want to be there for her and i have been but when she loses her temper i find it so difficult.

 

I have been to counselling to try to see if this issue lies with me but i really can not take anymore.

 

I am good husband and contribute to more than my fair share of housework and never speak down to her and make a point of trying to compliment her.

 

My self-esteem is at rock bottom and sometimes i find myself thinking that maybe i am the one with the problem, but should anyone have to live in fear of an angry response from their partner over things such as asking a question?

 

She also expects me to see things how she does, such as if she doesnt think it's tidy enough round the house, i say i'll help to tidy but she says ' what if i dont see what she sees?' I dont know how to respond to that? I try my best but it never seems like enough.

 

My anger and resentment has now led to me losing my temper and shouting at her which i feel terrible about. I have never shouted in my life either in this kind of way and it's not who i am?

 

Am i to blame? Am i too sensitive? I just don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps we are just wrong for each other

 

To anyone else other than her mum, she never acts this way, so why to me when i love her so much and try to do the best i can to make her happy?

 

Thanks for reading.

[dutch1980]

Hi LFH

 

Thanks for the response.

 

there was one time after a shopping trip that i asked about the state of our housekeeping account.

She didnt know at the time which would have been fine but she proceeeded to ask me why i am asking that question and how much it annoys her. She controls the accounts and i know she is not fiddling the books so her anger was not to do with that but i dont have access to it so i have to ask to find out.

She said she hated me asking that question which in turn now makes me feel like i can never ask because of how annoyed she got.

 

It may sound small but the tone she used was severe and i dont understand why she couldnt just say 'i dont know but i'll find out when i next have a chance' or something.

 

It's also that fact that i feel like i cant start a conversation with her for fear of bringing up something that she will get annoyed at.

 

The worse kind though is when she is telling me something and i dont understand so ask for clarification and she then gets annoyed that i dont understand and what wouldnt i understand etc... This has happened enough now that i feel nervious about asking for clarification on anything in case she erupts.

 

I would love to list some more from the past but to be honest after we have argued and got over it i have let it go and so cant remember the actual conversation, questions asked. I Just have a bitter taste that i can now taste.

 

I just feel that im taken for granted, that she can speak to me however i want when i am not doing anything wrong and that it shouldnt affect me when it does.

 

I'm bad with specifics because i try not to hold on to things. Should have kept a diary i suppose.

 

Just imagine feeling nervous about coming home in case you have done something wrong and feeling like you are walking on eggshells. It's probably a better way of putting all this. I guess i'm just scared of her and her emotions!

 

Sorry, i dont mean to confuse, i'm finding it difficult to write this as i am feeling really low at the moment so my mind is all over the place.

[Realist3]

She doesn't respect you as an equal in the relationship. That is a hard dynamic to change since you have allowed it to go on for so long. I would suggest marriage counseling, but marriage counseling isn't going to help you grow a set of balls.

 

You are going to have to learn how to stand up to her and give back what she dishes out. Until you are able to do that she will continue feel like she owns you.

 

I don't envy your position. Maybe you should divorce and find someone more compatible with your personality.

[Mint Sauce]

I don't envy your position. Maybe you should divorce and find someone more compatible with your personality.

 

This.

 

Yes you are a sensitive guy, which is totally ok. Which means it's going to be a life-long battle if you have to act out of character to stand up to her. And i agree that it doesn't sound like an equal relationship at the moment. It sounds borderline abusive.

[dutch1980]

Realist, i hear what you are saying, especially with growing a pair and i know what you mean.

 

I think about this sometimes and i do try to do just that but it's not just part of me or who i am and i'm not ashamed to say that - i'm just really easy going and i'm not a confrontational kind of person so even if i tried i don't know how long i could sustain that 'act'.

 

We have said that maybe it is just that - a clash of personalities where she needs someone who can give as good as she gets and i need someone who is more laid back (if that even really exists to the degree in which i am describing in a woman? I dont mean that as an insult, i guess i'm just a bit jaded)

 

I do love her a lot and i don't think she is a bad person fundamentally. She called me paper mache last night and in response i called her a steel ball with spikes (which we both laughed at) but actually this may be the biggest realisation we have had to date.

[dutch1980]

Thanks Mint Sauce

 

Yes you are right. This is how i feel. Like i said, i am a sensitive guy in some respects and just want to be treated with the same respect i show her.

Having to act a certain way so that we get on when this is against who i am will never work in the long-term i feel..

 

So... i guess that is my answer then as i don't want her to change so much that she then has to put on an act either just to appease me if it goes so far against who she is.

 

Just gutted that it couldnt have worked better and i'd be lying if i said that i'm not finding it difficult to get the words together to maybe suggest that it's time we move on from our marriage...

[Thegameoflife]

You don't sound sensitive. When people you love are constantly harsh to you, and always freak out over small things, it would make sense that you're upset. Your wife sounds like a control freak, and that she has some emotional issues herself.

[effie]

Have you gone to counseling together, or has your spouse received counseling?