Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Hey guys So, I've only been in a couple of relationships before with nice-enough guys that lasted a fairly long time. About a month ago though I met the one guy that in all my years I felt I really connected with, who really got me. Because of my inexperience though, I think this is slowly going tits up (if it hasn't already!) So any advice would be appreciated. We met about a month ago - he took my number and asked me out a couple days later by text, just drinks. I had the best evening - the conversation was fun, flirty, and stimulating. I know he liked me too, as the next day his earlier, formal texts degenerated into sloppy kisses and smiley faces. We texted over the next couple of weeks, with him telling me how much he wanted me yadda yadda. He initiated most of these exchanges, often first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. After a couple of weeks of this though, I got kinda annoyed - too old to be texting like a teenager right? And I told him to ask me out again (like I said, no game). He did so, but unfortunately, his idea of a first meeting was to go round to his place. Considering at this point I had no idea what his second name was I declined and after a minor argument where we couldnt agree on what to do he claims he left his phone at home and went out - he simply stopped replying to my messages. Seeing as I was all dressed up, I went clubbing with my friends instead, and had a brilliant night. I was buzzing and high and felt great afterwards. Met some cute guys too. Towards the middle of the night he mustve come back and messaged me apologising and asking me to come over to his place. I felt like socialising (as my friends had to go home) so I said I might do that if he called me - he called straight away lol. Anyway, when I was done with the night, we met up and I went over and we talked some more. Again, a great, playful, fun conversation where he told me he really liked me, and apologised again. He asked me to stay over again but I declined and went home, simply because I felt he'd done nothing to earn it! It wouldve been too easy y'know? He sent another text apologising. Over the next couple of days, nothing. I didn't understand how someone can go from being so into you (and I don't think our connection was fake) to getting nothing back. So I messaged him and he was more than happy to talk. He declined to meeting up midweek that week (whereas previously he said he was free). So I gave it another couple of days and we were still messaging. Finally, I asked him (about a couple of weeks after the above) if he was free to meet this weekend. He said he was, and we agreed on something to do, and he said he would let me know the time by friday. He carried on messaging me in the mornings and at night for a couple of days. On the friday afternoon I asked him if he knew what time would suit. He cancelled on me, saying he had to work. This pissed me off, so I asked him point blank if he ever wanted to meet again. He said he wasn't sure, that was wanted different things, and that we needed to have a serious discussion about it. I said fine, but I refused to do this by text - only a phone call or a meetup. He said, yeah but the last time we met up we didn't really get anywhere did we? For such a smart guy, this is a very thick comment: I was just in a good mood and wanted so socialise, that's all, not discuss the intricacies of something that's not even a relationship! I asked him what his suggestions were, and to just please be honest with me. He said he didn't know. I messaged: I don't get the impression you are willing to make an effort - shall we just call it quits? He ignored the last question and asked: what would I be making an effort for? 'That would be point of the discussion", I replied. I didn't hear back. So I left it for 4/5 days and messaged just asking how he's doing. He replied straight away and seemed pretty happy to chat. I mentioned a minor issue I was having (work related) and he said he'd get a friend of his to look into it. I wasn't angling for anything like this at all - but thanked him and accepted. This is about a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. Things I know -I am naive - he said he really liked me, I believe him -I am inexperienced - so maybe he meets women all the time he connects with, but he's the first person I met who I feel really gets me, so maybe I'm just over excited by this -I have no game plan - I liked him, so I messaged him when I wanted, and asked him to spend time with me when I wanted. Things I don't know -Wtf is going on? -Wtf do I do next? My tentative plan -Don't message him at all this month -If he messages me, I will reply in my own time -If he calls, I will let voicemail take the calls What do you guys think?
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 The irony is, you're the inexperienced one, yet he's jumping to conclusions and putting the cart before the ox. The move telling him to ask you out was actually game, sort of a power play. It likely showed him you have confidence and are worth asking out. If all else fails to get him to slow his roll, giving him time to work out his fit might work to your advantage, but it could also prompt him to move on if he's not interested enough. Don't let him tug at your strings without there being any strings in the first place. Take your time, if he isn't willing to work for it, he probably isn't worth it anyways. You guys are playing the hot and cold game, I don't think he understands what's going on either.
Author Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Woah, dude, you are *good*! I remember at the time feeling slightly manipulated into telling him to ask me out But I'm an impatient and direct little so-and-so. I genuinely wouldn't mind if he told me straight up he's not into me: it's just being left hanging that drives me nuts! My alternative (read: totally desperate) plan was to message him in about a month or so and after the preliminaries say something like - hey, it seems like something that should've been really easy and fun became really difficult all too soon! Start over? Terrible idea? Maybe in a month I won't care - but in terms of background, ethnicity, interests, languages, we're a great match with great chemistry. Never met anyone I thought I'd be seriously interested in!
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Woah, dude, you are *good*! I remember at the time feeling slightly manipulated into telling him to ask me out But I'm an impatient and direct little so-and-so. I genuinely wouldn't mind if he told me straight up he's not into me: it's just being left hanging that drives me nuts! My alternative (read: totally desperate) plan was to message him in about a month or so and after the preliminaries say something like - hey, it seems like something that should've been really easy and fun became really difficult all too soon! Start over? Terrible idea? Maybe in a month I won't care - but in terms of background, ethnicity, interests, languages, we're a great match with great chemistry. Never met anyone I thought I'd be seriously interested in! That is a good idea in my opinion. You could give it time to cool off and get the ball rolling at a steadied pace. How long you wait to do so is up to you but I would at least give it a couple of weeks. It sounds as though things got heated rather quickly, which is a fun short-term rush, but doesn't leave much to be desired when its all said and done. If he's someone you can see yourself in a relationship with, the chemistry and compatibility both being present, there's no reason to not give it a shot unless the feeling simply isn't mutual. Do what you're comfortable with, don't let the fire burn out of control on either end. A candle which burns twice as bright, only burns half as long. If he wants to rush everything keep him at arms length until you feel as though the timing is right and he deserves what he's worked for. Edited March 7, 2013 by iKING 1
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Sorry but I get the impression from both of your posts OP that he isn't that interested in you and would have been only up for sex. He isn't making the effort and doesn't think there is anything to talk about. I'm sure he likes you to a degree but for whatever reason not enough to step it up. He sounds like a flake too. Why bother with someone who cancels on you last minute? Classic sand castle building. This relationship has no stable foundation, too much drama too soon and you have been doing all the work. 6
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Sorry but I get the impression from both of your posts OP that he isn't that interested in you and would have been only up for sex. He isn't making the effort and doesn't think there is anything to talk about. I'm sure he likes you to a degree but for whatever reason not enough to step it up. He sounds like a flake too. Why bother with someone who cancels on you last minute? Classic sand castle building. This relationship has no stable foundation, too much drama too soon and you have been doing all the work. Some of this I got the impression of as well, but I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. Having him overly enthusiastic about getting you over to his place and being frustrated that he's not getting anything out of it all typically isn't a preferable sign to say the least. I tend to stay optimistic, so I stand by giving it another try if you do want to be with him and letting him tucker himself out with his motives behind trying to rush. If he sticks, it could work out, if he doesn't, he wasn't worth it anyways.
Author Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Emilia, that's fair enough! Tbh, that's what I'm afraid of too - that I'm just too naive to see it. However it was fairly obvious that I'm not the kind of girl that just jumps into bed with people she just met, so it's a poor choice on his part to pursue me for just sex! He really, really doesn't come across as that kind of guy either, he's quite low key irl; but I could be wrong. He said he really liked me, gave me lots of cues etc etc - but he could just be a congenital liar. Again, with wanting to discuss this - that was his idea, but he took it no where. Then when I asked him if he wanted to call it quits he side-stepped that question too, so I think you are right - at best he is flaky (his offer of getting a friend to help came to nothing too!) or he's just not that into me... What do you think of my plan?
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 What do you think of my plan? Personally I would forget him. You need to take time to get to know someone, the way they act, how the treat you, not what they say. This guy has not been playing ball to build a connection. It might not just be about sex, it could be that he isn't able to build meaningful relationships (ie emotionally unaivalable). The bottom line is though that he either doesn't know how to or he doesn't want to build a relationship. I don't think so anyway. 1
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If he sticks, it could work out, if he doesn't, he wasn't worth it anyways. How old are you two OP?
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 How old are you two OP? I'm curious as well, he sounds a tad on the immature side. That's the irony in this, she's inexperienced, yet he's the one acting like it.
Author Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Emilia - that's it exactly! So far, it's been a lot of words from his side, but not much action! I'm 27, he's 28. Too old for this **** right?! iKing - I don't know anything about his life - he's recently moved back from a few years abroad so he may have just left a long term relationship - I have no idea whether he's as inexperienced as I am, or just kind of an idiot lol (but still - he could have been *my* idiot ) 1
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 That's a hard age group to gauge. I understand that some guys are shy/reserved and need a nudge but this one doesn't seem to be like that. He just doesn't sound nice enough for my taste.
MidwestUSA Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I don't think you sound naive at all! Rather, you are confident and not into playing games. He "wanted you" and we all know what for. I'm sure he was put off by your confidence and insisting on being called properly, asked out, etc. and by your refusal to stay over. Don't change a thing! Continue to go out and have a great time. 1
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Emilia - that's it exactly! So far, it's been a lot of words from his side, but not much action! I'm 27, he's 28. Too old for this **** right?! iKing - I don't know anything about his life - he's recently moved back from a few years abroad so he may have just left a long term relationship - I have no idea whether he's as inexperienced as I am, or just kind of an idiot lol (but still - he could have been *my* idiot ) That's not a particularly good sign, judge a tree not by its appearance, but by the fruit it produces. I got the impression you guys were much younger then that. It's a little old to be playing games, but heck I've seen people in their 40s and 50s still playing games. He's just kind of immature. The odds aren't in your favor for changing his outlook, especially this late into his 20s, but I'm still for letting the guy torture himself and seeing if he sticks around. Don't get your hopes up, but if you really felt a special connection with him, it may be worth giving it a try without any expectations. Either way It's a good learning experience.
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 It is also true that if you are not scared of getting burned, taking chances is a good learning experience. I do that sometimes but careful with boundaries so that I don't feel bad when/if it goes wrong. 1
Author Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Midwest - thanks for your nice post! I did try to be mature about it, and not play games, but if he's used to interacting with women who are maybe he took it the wrong way and saw it as desperate/needy. I'm not needy, I'm want-y! I've been single for a good few years now, and happy to be so, simply because I haven't met anyone I would want in my life. iKing - he does sound immature. I think I might go with what Emilia said, once enough time has passed for me to understand that he's truly not that into me and accept it, and he's still available, I might just pursue for the learning experience - I mean if your 20s aren't the time to do this, then when is? One thing that really puzzles me though - I asked him straight "shall we call it quits?" and he ignored that completely. Why wouldn't he take the easy out and leave a graceful message saying "yes- it's for the best, I enjoyed the time we spent together." ? He likes me enough to keep me around, but not enough to make any effort??
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 One thing that really puzzles me though - I asked him straight "shall we call it quits?" and he ignored that completely. Why wouldn't he take the easy out and leave a graceful message saying "yes- it's for the best, I enjoyed the time we spent together." ? He likes me enough to keep me around, but not enough to make any effort?? I'm sorry I keep generalising your topic but this is something I see frequently as well. I've seen many women ask the guy: 'ok you are free to leave if you are not happy' and they post here after that they gave him the chance but he stayed. It could be that: He likes you but he is a complete spazzHe doesn't want to hurt youHe wants to keep you in his little black book just in case. All of the above is possible. However, my issue is that if his intentions are good, he isn't going about it the right way. 3
iKING Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 However, my issue is that if his intentions are good, he isn't going about it the right way. Well put. The reason he isn't being straight forward to your questions is either because he doesn't know what he wants, he's too immature to be straight forward, or he still wants to see if he can get with you. 2
Author Junipertree Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Yeah - that was the one thing he was open about, he said he didn't know what he wants from this, and didn't know how to proceed. Oh well - will try not to dwell on it. One one level I am hurt, but on another, I know that this is because it's my first experience where I really clicked with someone so I'm giving it importance when I shouldn't really. Statistically speaking, there will be others out there! Emilia - it's the 'not wanting to hurt me' part that really gets to me. I'm one of those people who just HAS to know! I'd much much rather know (and find it easier to accept) if he said straight up he wasn't that interested any more, but this whole in-betweener thing I find much more distressing. Thanks so much for your input guys, I really appreciate it! x Edited March 7, 2013 by Junipertree 1
KathyM Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 It sounds like he's just looking for a ****buddy, since he only wants you to come to his place and he puts no other effort into the relationship. Time to dump this guy if he's making so little effort. He's not worth pursuing.
Emilia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Emilia - it's the 'not wanting to hurt me' part that really gets to me. I'm one of those people who just HAS to know! I'd much much rather know (and find it easier to accept) if he said straight up he wasn't that interested any more, but this whole in-betweener thing I find much more distressing. Thanks so much for your input guys, I really appreciate it! x Most people by default avoid confrontation (cue Mr Castle's 'Respect' thread on this forum). If I'm in a similar position as you and the other person is a stranger, I assume the worst ie that they are not being straight with me because they are not interested in working things out. You are welcome Good luck
Author Junipertree Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 A quick update! So after about 10 days of silence I sent him a quick message. He replied straight away and seemed happy to hear from me and told me about his day and all of that. He apologised for not being in touch, as his phone was broken so he had no numbers for anyone. I'll believe him, thousands wouldn't. Anyway, I think I've got a handle on the kinda guy he is (there is a connection, but he is essentially a dickwad, which I can handle lol), so I might try and gently talk him into fooling around for a while, no strings. I think I can convince him
curlygirl40 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Hey guys We met about a month ago - he took my number and asked me out a couple days later by text, just drinks. I had the best evening - the conversation was fun, flirty, and stimulating. I know he liked me too, as the next day his earlier, formal texts degenerated into sloppy kisses and smiley faces. We texted over the next couple of weeks, with him telling me how much he wanted me yadda yadda. He initiated most of these exchanges, often first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. After a couple of weeks of this though, I got kinda annoyed - too old to be texting like a teenager right? And I told him to ask me out again (like I said, no game). Over the next couple of days, nothing. I didn't understand how someone can go from being so into you (and I don't think our connection was fake) to getting nothing back. So I messaged him and he was more than happy to talk. He declined to meeting up midweek that week (whereas previously he said he was free). On the friday afternoon I asked him if he knew what time would suit. He cancelled on me, saying he had to work. This pissed me off, so I asked him point blank if he ever wanted to meet again. He said he wasn't sure, that was wanted different things, and that we needed to have a serious discussion about it. I said fine, but I refused to do this by text - only a phone call or a meetup. He said, yeah but the last time we met up we didn't really get anywhere did we? For such a smart guy, this is a very thick comment: I was just in a good mood and wanted so socialise, that's all, not discuss the intricacies of something that's not even a relationship! I asked him what his suggestions were, and to just please be honest with me. He said he didn't know. I messaged: I don't get the impression you are willing to make an effort - shall we just call it quits? He ignored the last question and asked: what would I be making an effort for? 'That would be point of the discussion", I replied. I didn't hear back. So I left it for 4/5 days and messaged just asking how he's doing. He replied straight away and seemed pretty happy to chat. I mentioned a minor issue I was having (work related) and he said he'd get a friend of his to look into it. I wasn't angling for anything like this at all - but thanked him and accepted. This is about a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. ? This is what I see. You're doing all of the heavy lifting. This is the way I look at it. Stop rowing and see if the boat still moves. Yes, he replies right away and seems happy to hear from you, but it seems like you are now doing all of the initiating. Getting a text (or a call!) from him feels much different than getting a text (or a call!) back in response to you initiating. I would delete his number and move on. When men want to be with you, they know how to do it. He knows where you are. The only thing he doesn't know for sure is if you're dtf, but if you keep chasing him then he's going to assume you are. He doesn't want anything else out of it. I would move on. I think you will catch feelings and get hurt.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 A quick update! So after about 10 days of silence I sent him a quick message. He replied straight away and seemed happy to hear from me and told me about his day and all of that. He apologised for not being in touch, as his phone was broken so he had no numbers for anyone. I'll believe him, thousands wouldn't. Anyway, I think I've got a handle on the kinda guy he is (there is a connection, but he is essentially a dickwad, which I can handle lol), so I might try and gently talk him into fooling around for a while, no strings. I think I can convince him Convince him of what exactly? To allow you to be his NSA booty call when it's convenient for him? He's pretty clear that he wants that. You're just giving him exactly what he wants. Understand that for many guys, the criteria to have casual sex with a woman are much lower than those to become a girlfriend. I'm sure you're an incredible woman, but for whatever reason, he decided after your first date that you were not relationship material. So he refuses to put in any effort. Sorry, but if he were interested in a second date, it would have happened a long time ago. He's not interested in dating you again, but he's being obvious about wanting a "free" hookup since you keep contacting him to meet anyway. You are way more invested than he is. Ask yourself this: if you didn't keep contacting him, would things have died out a while go? You are not going to change his mind now and make him realize you are worth a relationship by sleeping with him. It doesn't work that way. Ignoring him after you sleep with him a few times won't work either. You're invested. He doesn't much care either way. If you go down this path, you will eventually feel used when he doesn't come around to wanting a relationship with you, and/or he walks away because he found someone who he would like to be his girlfriend, and that requires exclusivity. The smart thing to do would be to accept that not everyone that we think is perfect for us will be interested in us. That's the whole point of dating--finding someone who shares our feelings and wants the same things. Neither is true with this guy. You need to accept that and cut your losses. If you can't, you're in for a painful learning experience.
Author Junipertree Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Just thought I'd bump this up for all the good folks who took the time to advise me! So - where were we? I had messaged him, and he apologised for not dealing with that thing he said he'd get his friend to do for me because he'd lost his phone contacts and whatnot. We carried on messaging for a few weeks, it went both ways, but initiated by me. After a few more weeks of this, I said - "listen, it seems to me that two very compatible people who should be having a fun and easy time are not. Shall we try and start over?" He agreed that we should meet and talk. I was away at the time, but from the day he agreed again he came on strong - when are you back? I miss you! Lots of flirting, and pet names in the languages we speak, etc etc. As I've never had to deal with someone who wouldn't say these things unless they meant them on some level, I assumed he was sincere. We met up again - and again had a great time. A connection for sure, and a fun stimulating conversation too. I know he likes/liked me, I don't *think* it was in my head. Anyway, I stayed over at his that night. We didn't have sex, just spooned a little, though he tried to push for sex a little but. The next day, I mentioned that we didn't get a chance to talk - I felt a bit reserved, and things, though a little weird between us ultimately went well. So, being blunt as I am, I asked - "Will this ever be anything?" "No, I don't think so," he said. "OK, let's just call it quits at this point" I replied, just happy to have a straight answer. "NO. Why?!" Was his response. At that point I was like, "Dude, I don't know what's happening here -when you figure it out let me know." And headed off. He messaged me later that night asking how I was, whether I enjoyed the rest of my day and we ended up speaking on the phone, ostensibly to arrange another time to actually meet and talk. Instead, he said, "Listen, I don't think this is gonna work." I felt OK with that, but told him it was a bit harsh to try and push for a physical relationship when he knew he'd be calling it off the next day. He agreed with me and sounded regretful. I then said, I've given you the opportunity to call it quits twice already and each time you said no. Why wouldn't you just say it to me in person? He asked: "What do you mean when you say call it quits?" "I mean I will stop calling you and messaging you." "No no! Don't do that! I think we should be friends. Very, very, good friends." Those are his exact words. My exact words were: "Dude, I already have friends. When one of them dies and there's a vacancy, I'll let you know." He laughed at that, but I was being serious. I bid him good bye, and actually got a really good night's sleep - I had my straight answer and that's all I needed. I decided not to call/message him and move on. It's a bit disappointing, because I've literally never met any one I've clicked with like this, but hey ho, at least I wasn't hugely emotionally invested. Less than a week later, he messages me, asking what I am doing. We have a short chat, and he goes all monosyllabic on me. It's a guy thing, I get it, but as someone on here told me, it looks like I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting and I just could not be bothered to be the one to keep the convo going so I stopped messaging. A couple of days later, after midnight on a friday night, I get another message: Him: Heeeey! How are you? Me: Good, u? Him: I good! Just tired Me: How come? Then, nothing. He's never ignored a direct question before. It kind of made me laugh because it just looks like he's desperate to be the one who is seen to ignore the conversation, instead of me. I can see on the chat program we use that he was online that night, I guess he's just making a point of ignoring me. It's been about 3 weeks so far, and I haven't really felt the need to message him (if that's what he's expecting). So, uh, yeah. Another bites the dust I guess! Don't feel awful about it, it was an interesting experience in any case. Thanks again to everyone who looked out for me here 1
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