ScienceGal Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) I posted recently about "Charlie": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/377332-what-do-i-do-if-anything (he is back on the dating site btw). My friends are strongly urging me to not get my hopes up, and to not put all of my energy into him. I completely understand, as much as I don't like that reality. So, I should date when the opportunity arises right? Enter anxiety! I was asked out twice yesterday, once via phone but it went to voicemail, and once via email. These are both men I've met through mutual friends. One, I do not see any potential with. The chemistry just isn't there, so how do I politely tell him no? He is the one who left a voicemail, and I'd like to call him back today. The second guy I do find attractive, but am hesitant because we share the same social circle. I've recently made it a point to make new friends and expand what I am doing socially, and that's how I met him. I do most things with this group, so I want to tread carefully. I suppose meeting for a drink wouldn't hurt? My worries 1) I don't know how to date! On one hand, I want to take things slow and make good choices, but I don't know how to do that. I fall fast and hard. I get all excited and my heart takes it and runs with it! I also don't even like the idea of dating. I am very ready to settle down, so that adds to my problem. 2) I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt myself. I can take rejection with grace, but I don't know how to give it. I want to be honest, yet polite/gentle. 3) The issue of multidating. How many dates can you go on with someone before you should make a choice? I would hope 1, but maybe 2 is more realistic? After that, if I wanted to keep seeing him, I don't think I would be able to date anyone else. I woke up early this morning worrying about dating! I can't believe it! How do I ground myself and not get lost in all this worrying? How do I become good at dating? Edited March 7, 2013 by ScienceGal
PogoStick Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Go out with both guys! The one guy may turn out to be more interesting or attractive as you get to know him. If he doesn't then you will simply learn what things you are not looking for. Plus, it's simply more dating experience where you can learn conversation and body language. 1. Why do you want to settle down? Why do you rush relationships? Is it fear of being alone? That you're not attractive? Rushing could lead to a bad marriage or kids with someone who you are incompatible with. 2. Be honest and gentle when rejecting someone. In fact, be honest and open with everyone. Communication is key to any relationship. 3. There is nothing wrong with multi-dating. Just follow #2, be open and honest and everything will be fine. The number of dates is however many it takes to know your feelings for someone, whether it's 2 or 20. Again, why rush? Better to go on a few extra dates than making a bad decision after too few.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Do you have a female friend, sister, or someone you can talk to about boy stuff? I have always had at least one, and I'd be lost without her. My current vent your troubles friend called me last night crying about her boy problems, and was laughing by the end. I have done the same. It really helps.
Author ScienceGal Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) Go out with both guys! The one guy may turn out to be more interesting or attractive as you get to know him. If he doesn't then you will simply learn what things you are not looking for. Plus, it's simply more dating experience where you can learn conversation and body language. 1. Why do you want to settle down? Why do you rush relationships? Is it fear of being alone? That you're not attractive? Rushing could lead to a bad marriage or kids with someone who you are incompatible with. 2. Be honest and gentle when rejecting someone. In fact, be honest and open with everyone. Communication is key to any relationship. 3. There is nothing wrong with multi-dating. Just follow #2, be open and honest and everything will be fine. The number of dates is however many it takes to know your feelings for someone, whether it's 2 or 20. Again, why rush? Better to go on a few extra dates than making a bad decision after too few. I already made the call to the first guy and turned him down. Maybe it shouldn't be, but age is one of my criteria. I really want to date someone close to my age. He is at least 6 years older than me. And, like I said, the chemistry wasn't there. Maybe I could've chalked it up to dating experience, but that would've felt very wrong. Especially since it was a dinner invite. Had I went, I would've insisted on paying for myself. I don't intend to rush things, it's just always happened that way for me. I get too excited and bam!, I'm in it! I am really trying to be more disciplined this time. I am not afraid of being alone, or that I am unattractive. I just know that I want a long-term committed relationship that will hopefully lead to marriage and kid(s). I know I need to be better at choosing the right people to spend time with. I am going to relax and keep myself open to "multi-dating", at least for initial meetings. I don't see anything wrong with that. And, I am always kind, so I don't think that will be an issue. I end up feeling bad more than anything. I try to be honest, but I told the first guy that I am not looking to date right now. Gah! I didn't know what else to say. Won't telling someone there is no chemistry just hurt their feelings unnecessarily? I suppose after a few dates it would've been more honest, maybe "I am not quite feeling the connection I am looking for?" Ugh. Do you have a female friend, sister, or someone you can talk to about boy stuff? I have always had at least one, and I'd be lost without her. My current vent your troubles friend called me last night crying about her boy problems, and was laughing by the end. I have done the same. It really helps. I am fortunate to have two close friends, one of which I talk about relationships with all the time. Unfortunately, she's in the same boat! She's only had LTRs and is navigating the dating world herself now. Perhaps the blind leading the blind, but the venting does help. Not to mention, it's easier to give advice to someone even if you can't see the same truths in your own situation. I think, and hope, I'll ease up after allowing myself to just go on dates with men. Once the first wave passes, maybe I will feel better. Edited March 8, 2013 by ScienceGal
Recommended Posts