I love you but not in love with you!

[stupid_ex]

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. The last two months has taken a toll on me mostly because of his push and pulling. I have gotten to the point of breaking down.

 

Last night, I spoke with my ex. I asked him to clarify his love for me. He basically said I love you but not in love with you....

 

I said usually when someone says I love you but not in love with you, it is a way to keep a person close by until something better comes along. He shot me down saying that is not him, he would never do that to me, he has a deep connection with me and loves me but the romantic love is damaged. He said I am very special to him, I will always be his priority, he will always be there for me, he cares about my well being etc. (I believe him).

 

During my break down and even before he has been helping me comforting me and he really does care for me.

 

Bascially, he loves and cares for me but doesn't want a romantic relationship with me (he said it may change later) and he is enjoying his freedom (he isnt meeting others for sex nor is he looking for any relationship) but he wants me in life.

 

My question is, how can I get him to romantically fall for me again?

 

Do I take a complete break from him for a month or two, use this time to work on myself, getting my body in better shape, working on my self esteem, health etc....If he loves and cares for me as much as he says, he will miss me and come after me. Since the break up, we have been on constant contact. He usually cannot stay away for more than 5 days without any contact with me.

 

or

 

Do I take up his offer of friendship, be the person he fell in love with at the start of our relationship. (We dated for 4 months before we became a couple. There was no physical contact what so ever in that four months we both had a strong connection, chemistry and fell in love with each other). We have been together for 1.4 years. Basically, slowly work at getting him to be attracted to me again.

 

I am not ready to just give up and walk away. I could be friends with him if he isn't screwing other people. If he was to do that, then it would be harder for me. I could make that known to him and if he agrees, so be it.

 

I am really confused as to what to do or the best way about getting jim attracted to me again.

 

Btw, this is a same sex relationship.

 

Thank you for any input.

[J_L_C]

This sounds pretty similar to what happened to me. 7 months ago my ex told me he had fallen out of love with me...something just changed. He said the love was gone and he didn't think it was ever coming back.

 

From my own personal experience on the other side, I was with someone for 6 years. My romantic feelings completely changed for him and I only saw him in a platonic way. I'm still very good friends with him to this day but my romantic feelings never came back for him.

 

I think it's a really hard thing when a couple breaks up because of lost feelings. I wish my ex had communicated this to me while we were still IN the relationship, as opposed to after our breakup.

 

I wanted to stay in contact, but it was too hard for me. I'd hear about other girls he was seeing, dates that were coming up and just generally seeing him happy without me was really tough. I was in contact with him for 6 months and have only gone no contact for the past month. It's still been hard, but it's better now that I don't know what he's been up to.

 

If I can give you any advice, don't push him. I would drop off his radar for awhile. Your breakup is still pretty fresh (2 months) and you never know when someone can have a change of heart. It usually doesn't happen while you're right in their presence. How will he miss you if you don't go away?

[todreaminblue]

yep heard these words ver batim......i don't know how anyone can use them honestly to me being in love and loving someone are the same thing in a relationship......

 

 

 

i think it is an excuse .....that is meant to confuse and confound a mind that is trying to grasp the idea of that concept of being not loved anymore ...so the dumper hands that line to struggle with, rather than, question the motive for breaking up.....so they give you this deep complex thought where you try to define love and in love in your mind so they can slip out the door unawares and scot free of reprisals.,.....

 

 

love is love....and if you truly love someone....you take them with you(the people you love) in your heart at all times...to the shop to work in the elevator, at school wherever you are they exist..if someone can leave behind someone, leave them behind so easily in one sentence and so few words...they were never really loved in the first place...that line is such a cop out..deb.

[Neffer]

Its not an excuse. I have said those words to partners and it was hard to say them, to hurt them....but it was true. Sometimes feelings change from romantic love to a more platonic version. Which is fine for some. But if someone wants out, you have to let them go.

 

Yes, some people say these words as an easy out, but that doesn't make it not true. You can love someone as a person, as almost a family member but not want to be in a relationship with them any longer.

 

As to the orig question - you can't do anything to make them want you again . Just take care of yourself and cut ties for a bit as you will need the space away from them to get yourself together.

[stupid_ex]

It is just so hard right now. The hardest thing I am finding is my ex is back on gay sex apps on his phone(he has been on them since our break up). He keeps telling its just chatting, he isn't looking to meet up with anyone. He is always online. I really need to stop stalking him.

 

I can be friends with him if he isn't trying to meet other guys online or having sex. I can't tell him what to do. I really want him to give us another try. He can be stubborn.

 

I want the tears and pain to stop.

 

Im going crazy here.

[Neffer]

Its just going to hurt like hell for a while. The best thing you can do is to just stay busy in anyway you can, avoid him in everyway you can. It will ease up eventually...but its going to hurt for a while. Have been there, it is awful I know. But once you are through the pain you will be stronger.

[lavenderlove]

When I left my ex for the first time, he came running back to me as soon as I announced NC. Now, two years later we broke up again. And I had to face that if he doesn't love you, he doesn't and there is not much you can do about that.

[stupid_ex]

Firstly, thank you guys for replying to my post. I really appreciate you taking the time.

 

Today I met up with the ex. I wanted to have a talk with him, to clear the air, for us to be honest as we both deserve it. He was happy to meet up with me. We spent a good 4.5 hours together. The first hour was spent chit chatting. He said he gets it now that he has no real friends, he just knows people. A girl he got close to since our break up basically told him he needs to find more friends that she can't always be there for him.

 

We went to the park to talk. I had a few questions for him.

 

1/ When you say you love me it not in love with me, is that because of the way I look? (His response, hell no, i do love you but my romantic love is damaged. He opened up how in our relationship I made him feel unwanted at times, he felt abuse during my outburst and these are the things that put him off me).

 

I wrote him a long apology letter saying I know I messed up, my insecurities got the better of me, I was too needy etc. He accepted what I wrote.

 

2/ Why are you back on gay chat sites when you are not looking for a relationship? (his response, I am chatting to people overseas mostly. I have not met up with anyone for sex, nor do I want to. Yes, I went on a couple of dates..just drinks but nothing will come of that). I asked is there anyone you are really interested in. he said No, no one that he is interested in.

 

3/ What about your ex Brett? (His response,I have no feelings for Brett. If i was to get together with anyone for a relationship, you would be the first one.

 

4/ I asked what about us, what is happening? (He goes basically he is put off with the idea of being in a relationship with me. Maybe we need time away, because we may get too close again and something may start up(Thats what I want) I think I wont do the no contact thing seeing as he thinks time away will help up move on but I don't want that.

 

We went to another side of the park, we chatted some more. He basically said we should have a break and see who contacts each other first. I didn't like that idea, I got sad. We started walking back to my place. He sense I was upset and once we got home, he comforted me. We were laying on my bed, he was hugging me, holding me tight, I said to him I feel pathetic for the way I am acting. He said, no, I am not.

 

I said, it's hard because here I am offering my love and care to you and its not good enough for you, you don't want it. He shot me down saying, that is not true, he does wanted me ad he held me tight. Put his face lose to mine.

 

Then out of the blue he played Adels Someone Like you..........I started to cry even more. We kept looking each other into each others eyes.

 

This hugging went on for a good hour. He got hungry and I havent been in the mood for food shopping. I had no food. he said he was going to buy me food on Tuesday, he wanted me to call him on Monday to see how my interview went. He had to go.

 

Before he left, we hugged once again, we held each other tightly, squeezing each other together, I apologise that I can't just turn off my love for him and he said he understands. He went home.

 

Earlier he was saying one thing, now he was feeling something different. I tried as much as I could to get us to hug and feel that connection again. I felt it.

 

What do you make of all this? Where to from here?

[stupid_ex]

Im sorry for all the typos.

[lovnlost]

I have been looking at this very phrase on marriage forums...and according to them, it is a phrase used when there is a 3rd part involved. I was told this while trying to reconcile and then I asked if there was someone new she was seeing. She lied to me. I am not saying this is the case with you. Hopefully not, but do you know for sure?Just a thought.

[fungusamungus]

I have been looking at this very phrase on marriage forums...and according to them, it is a phrase used when there is a 3rd part involved. I was told this while trying to reconcile and then I asked if there was someone new she was seeing. She lied to me. I am not saying this is the case with you. Hopefully not, but do you know for sure?Just a thought.

I disagree.

 

This phrase is used a lot when people break up, and people (especially married couples) often breakup because there is a 3rd party involved. There is a correlation there, but not a direct connection.

 

I've said this before to someone that I was breaking up with. And it was not because there was a 3rd party involved, nor was it because I simply wanted to keep her close by whilst I went off and dicked around. It simply means what it means... they still care about you as a person, they love being around you and they love your presence, but they don't feel strongly enough about you romantically to put in the effort, time and work to maintain a relationship. Basically, it means.. "sorry, you're a wonderful person... but I'm just not that into you".

 

Now, to the OP...

 

I know that you are hurt and that you want answers, etc. but I'll be blunt with you. You're being EXTREMELY needy right now. There are two outcomes to what you are doing...

 

1) He takes you back out of pity. Think about it... you want someone to be with you because they like you, because they enjoy being with you, because they feel connected to you. And I'll be blunt, no one likes the person who is constantly emotionally demanding, accusatory, prying and insecure. You don't want someone to be with you because they feel guilty that breaking up with you left you an emotional mess.

 

2) You push him away. Because as I said before... no one likes being around the person who is constantly emotionally demanding, accusatory, prying and insecure. He broke up with you with his own interests in mind, and if he continues to have his own interest in mind, he's going to get sick and tired of this and will gradually become more distant.

 

My advice, back off and give some space. Want to know how to show someone you care? By taking their needs into account. If he needs space, then give him some space.

[stupid_ex]

I do know for sure that he isn't seeing anyone else. My ex isn't one to lie. The problem I have is that he isn't like most people. Plus he has no reason to lie to me. I have been kind of stalking him but nothing just yet. He keeps on saying he isn't interested in anyone, he doesn't want to be in a relationship but he said yesterday that if he did want another relationship, he would ask me first.

 

I want to make him fall in love with me again. He loves me deeply and cares for me. I want to take it a step further. But how?

[stupid_ex]

I take in what you are saying but my ex isn't like most people. When we were hugging yesterday, I felt his love and the connection again. He called me today at his own accord just to say hello and see how I was. He said he will message me later.

 

I have apologised for my part and he has taken that on and forgiven me. I have tried to give him space but he would give in after a week at max. He really does care for me and is there for me. In other situations people may give up, but I don't think he will.

 

I am taking things slowly, I am trying to reconnect on a personal level. The love and care we have for each other is real and is strong. I can see him slowly coming around. I will try and pull back a little when I know I have him wanting me again. I wont play too hard to get.

 

I have came straight out and asked him, do not pitty me (he said he doesn't) I said, I m pathetic (He shot me down saying Im not, never think that) I also asked him if he doesn't love me because of my looks he said (no, he still thinks im hot) The romantic love he lost from me was due to my previous actions and he said he has forgiven me for that. That is what he found was off putting. I have changed those ways.

 

Also, he isnt dating or seeing anyone else at the moment. He keeps saying he doesn't want to either. I believe him.

 

I am not contacting him everyday or crying to him. He is the one making an effort to contact me.

 

It a little complicated to explain. He isn't doing this out of pitty. He feels if we spend more time together, things may get serious again. He suggested we take time away and wait until one of us contacts each other first. I have tried this and he was always the one contacting me. The love isn't gone, he is still attracted to me, we still have a strong connection and chemistry but I feel deep down he is scared.

Edited March 11, 2013 by stupid_ex
typo

[fungusamungus]

I take in what you are saying but my ex isn't like most people. When we were hugging yesterday, I felt his love and the connection again. He called me today at his own accord just to say hello and see how I was. He said he will message me later.

No one's ex is "like most people". Everyone's ex is... "not like other guys/girls"... except that they are and always are.

I have apologised for my part and he has taken that on and forgiven me. I have tried to give him space but he would give in after a week at max. He really does care for me and is there for me. In other situations people may give up, but I don't think he will.

No one said he doesn't care about you. Every girl that I'm truly friends with and am not sleeping with? I CARE about them, I love them as people, and I'd be there for them... but I'm not interested in them romantically. Again... "You're a really wonderful person, but I'm just not that into you".

I have came straight out and asked him, do not pitty me (he said he doesn't) I said, I m pathetic (He shot me down saying Im not, never think that) I also asked him if he doesn't love me because of my looks he said (no, he still thinks im hot) The romantic love he lost from me was due to my previous actions and he said he has forgiven me for that. That is what he found was off putting. I have changed those ways.

Actually... you haven't. Again, I don't mean to sound callous or insensitive, but you are coming across as extremely needy and high maintenance. Your need for his reassurance that you aren't pathetic. Your need for his reassurance that you are still attractive. Your need for his reassurance that he isn't talking to you out of pity.

 

That is the very definition of emotional neediness. Look, I have a habit of dating women that constantly want that kind of constant reassurance, and it is frustrating and draining after a while. When I get tired of constantly having to appease their neediness, I split.

Also, he isnt dating or seeing anyone else at the moment. He keeps saying he doesn't want to either. I believe him.

 

I am not contacting him everyday or crying to him. He is the one making an effort to contact me.

 

It a little complicated to explain. He isn't doing this out of pitty. He feels if we spend more time together, things may get serious again. He suggested we take time away and wait until one of us contacts each other first. I have tried this and he was always the one contacting me. The love isn't gone, he is still attracted to me, we still have a strong connection and chemistry but I feel deep down he is scared.

Dude. I don't even know you and I feel bad for you, so I can only imagine what he feels. I would take what he says with a huge grain of salt because you are putting him in a very tough spot and are basically forcing his hand to tell you what you want to hear. Edited March 11, 2013 by fungusamungus

[stupid_ex]

I guess this is positive.

 

From the time we broke up, my ex has been playing the I am forever alone card, posting stuff on his Facebook page (I am not on his friends list as I asked him to remove me) I am can still see his page through mutual friends. When my ex and spoke the other day, he confessed to me that he has no real friends. A girl he started to get close to, basically told him he needs to make more friends and she cannot always be there for him.

 

I spoke with my ex last night for a while over text. I said to him, you are not forever alone. I said, you have me and you know that I love and care for you and only have your best interest at heart. I said, my offer is there if you choose to take it.

 

he replied, that I said we couldn't be friends after breaking up(I did say this). I replied, it would be hard to be your friend if you are screwing around with other people. He replied, ok, maybe this friendship could work.

 

He has told me several times, he isn't interested in anyone else nor is he sleeping around. I guess this is a positive thing.

 

Also, his best friend contacted me and has asked me to friend her again on Facebook. She opened up to me about herself. I guess all these things are positive.

 

I still don't have any expectations but I want to get back with my ex. I am just taking things slowly and one day at a time.

 

What do you think? Any tips?