Subconsciously sabotaging my new relationship 6 months after a nasty breakup?

[elisee8d]

A little background:

I was with a guy, my ex, for the past two years. Our relationship was not good - I was very VERY jealous, of his friends, of his exes that he didn't even have contact with, of him spending time with anyone other than me, of celebrities he thought were attractive, and I immediately hated anyone who I thought was more attractive than I was. I took everything as a threat. This, combined with his anger issues and immaturity ultimately led to our break up. He had tons of issues that I could no longer deal with. It was a nasty one - I broke up with him, found someone new, dated man number 2 for a month (hello, rebound...) and realized I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex because I loved him and thought that meant we should be together no matter what. We got back together, were together for about 2 months, and he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Took me back, we had sex, he told me I was who he knew he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life, and then broke up with me the next day over the phone and said he simply "changed his mind" and that I didn't deserve another chance for leaving him and dating someone new, that it meant I didn't love him. This break up was 6 months ago.

 

While I was dating my ex, I had run into a friend from high school and we started talking. Nothing but friendly conversation and catching up, though I did have a crush on him in high school that he didn't know about and he also liked me which I found out recently. We never dated then because he was seeing someone and then I was too. The guy I was dating then is the ex I'm talking about now, and the girl he was dating broke up with him a while ago. When my ex and I broke up, he was there to listen to me about the whole thing. Then he seemed like he really wanted to hang out and constantly talk, I got the feeling he liked me and I got freaked out and stopped talking to him, which was horrible of me... we started talking again about 2 months ago, hung out, I remembered every single reason why I liked him so much back then, I suppose he did too, and now we're dating. It's been about a month for us together.

 

ANYWAYS - fast forward to now. I feel as though I have truly processed the break up with my ex, dealt with my emotions and come to terms with everything. I am SO much happier with myself and my life than I ever have been before. So many things are going good for me, new job, moving forward and doing what's right for me, showing people who don't deserve my time to the door. I feel as though I have clarity for the first time ever. Then my boyfriend and I started dating, and man oh man was I on cloud nine! He's perfect, he's a great guy and I've never been with someone who treated me so well. I was literally so happy I didn't know what to do with myself.

 

However, for the past 2 weeks, I find myself not wanting to talk to him, or see him, or tell him I miss him. I feel completely detached from him and everything about our relationship. I don't even wanna tell him about my day or make the effort to keep up a conversation with him. I'm getting mad at him for the stupidest reasons, and using those as excuses to avoid answering his texts and phone calls. I noticed I was doing this, and realized that I'm pushing him away. I don't mean to do it, so I've been making an effort to stop, but I just can't. I've been in a horrible mood, easily agitated, on edge, and filled with anxiety. I discussed this with him and he said he understood and not to worry and try not to be scared because he would never hurt me he believes we can handle it and get over it together.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with missing my ex or having unresolved feelings about our break up, because I don't miss him, and as I said, I feel like I've completely processed everything. I just don't understand how I went from the happiest I've ever been, by myself, to the happiest I've ever been with someone else, to completely miserable in a matter of a month. I don't know what to do because this is a new relationship and I would hate to ruin it because I really am so happy when I'm with him, it's just keeping up conversation and caring when he's NOT right in front of me that's hard for me.. and even sometimes in person too. I'm so paranoid that he's doing things behind my back, too. I feel like me acting like this is making him pull back a little bit, as he doesn't show as much emotion as he did in the beginning... he says things that give me reason to believe he has no intentions of breaking up with me, though.

 

I just am trying to figure out... why is the excitement gone? Why am I so upset all the time? Why am I TRYING to find him doing something wrong? Nothing makes sense to me. I don't want to sabotage my own relationship, but I can't stop it.

 

If anyone has had a similar experience, some words of wisdom, or even just what you think about my situation, it would all be greatly appreciated because I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

[noble]

So.. you keep saying that you dont think your ex has anything to do with your current situation... but then you include the nasty break up in the title of your thread.. and spend most of the thread talking about your break up with your ex, and then like one paragraph about your current problem with your current boyfriend.

so obviously you are still hung up on your ex.. and you need to deal with it. in fact, other than you talking about your ex in this entire post, i dont see in any way how it was relatable to your current problem. i think thats interesting.

maybe you need to take a break with your current bf to deal with all of this. you might THINK you're over it, but are you really deep down?

[Toddbt12y1]

A little background:

I was with a guy, my ex, for the past two years. Our relationship was not good - I was very VERY jealous, of his friends, of his exes that he didn't even have contact with, of him spending time with anyone other than me, of celebrities he thought were attractive, and I immediately hated anyone who I thought was more attractive than I was. I took everything as a threat. This, combined with his anger issues and immaturity ultimately led to our break up. He had tons of issues that I could no longer deal with. It was a nasty one - I broke up with him, found someone new, dated man number 2 for a month (hello, rebound...) and realized I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex because I loved him and thought that meant we should be together no matter what. We got back together, were together for about 2 months, and he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Took me back, we had sex, he told me I was who he knew he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life, and then broke up with me the next day over the phone and said he simply "changed his mind" and that I didn't deserve another chance for leaving him and dating someone new, that it meant I didn't love him. This break up was 6 months ago.

 

Good, he seems rather immature. He basically used you for your body. He told you those sweet-nothings, to get into your panties. It worked. A relationship shouldn't be such a hassel.

 

 

 

While I was dating my ex, I had run into a friend from high school and we started talking. Nothing but friendly conversation and catching up, though I did have a crush on him in high school that he didn't know about and he also liked me which I found out recently. We never dated then because he was seeing someone and then I was too. The guy I was dating then is the ex I'm talking about now, and the girl he was dating broke up with him a while ago. When my ex and I broke up, he was there to listen to me about the whole thing. Then he seemed like he really wanted to hang out and constantly talk, I got the feeling he liked me and I got freaked out and stopped talking to him, which was horrible of me... we started talking again about 2 months ago, hung out, I remembered every single reason why I liked him so much back then, I suppose he did too, and now we're dating. It's been about a month for us together.

 

Here: You have a little bit of doubt, you just ended things. Realized your feelings towards this guy, who was being kind to you. You probably remember the ex, who was kind to you, for those moment's he could use you. Which probably scared you. Fortunately, you two ended up dating...

 

 

 

 

ANYWAYS - fast forward to now. I feel as though I have truly processed the break up with my ex, dealt with my emotions and come to terms with everything. I am SO much happier with myself and my life than I ever have been before. So many things are going good for me, new job, moving forward and doing what's right for me, showing people who don't deserve my time to the door. I feel as though I have clarity for the first time ever. Then my boyfriend and I started dating, and man oh man was I on cloud nine! He's perfect, he's a great guy and I've never been with someone who treated me so well. I was literally so happy I didn't know what to do with myself.

 

Good here. Usually you have to walk through the storm, the darkness: Then the sun comes out.

 

 

 

However, for the past 2 weeks, I find myself not wanting to talk to him, or see him, or tell him I miss him. I feel completely detached from him and everything about our relationship. I don't even wanna tell him about my day or make the effort to keep up a conversation with him. I'm getting mad at him for the stupidest reasons, and using those as excuses to avoid answering his texts and phone calls. I noticed I was doing this, and realized that I'm pushing him away. I don't mean to do it, so I've been making an effort to stop, but I just can't. I've been in a horrible mood, easily agitated, on edge, and filled with anxiety. I discussed this with him and he said he understood and not to worry and try not to be scared because he would never hurt me he believes we can handle it and get over it together.

 

You need to find out the reasons, as to why you feel all these negative emotions; is it all really because of the ex? Maybe it is something else...you may not be aware of it, yet.

 

 

 

I don't think this has anything to do with missing my ex or having unresolved feelings about our break up, because I don't miss him, and as I said, I feel like I've completely processed everything. I just don't understand how I went from the happiest I've ever been, by myself, to the happiest I've ever been with someone else, to completely miserable in a matter of a month. I don't know what to do because this is a new relationship and I would hate to ruin it because I really am so happy when I'm with him, it's just keeping up conversation and caring when he's NOT right in front of me that's hard for me.. and even sometimes in person too. I'm so paranoid that he's doing things behind my back, too. I feel like me acting like this is making him pull back a little bit, as he doesn't show as much emotion as he did in the beginning... he says things that give me reason to believe he has no intentions of breaking up with me, though.

Here, he is giving you re-assurance. This is very good. He senses how you have been lately, and wants to re-assure you he will be there. As well, as his loyalties. Life brings us moments of joy, and moments of sorrow, moments of anger, and moments of depression. You will have good times and bad times. Whatever it is, that is causing you to feel negative, as of late, that is the reason why. It could be work, or anything. What you need to do, is realize that these things cannot take power over other aspects of your life: You must learn to master your emotions.

 

 

I just am trying to figure out... why is the excitement gone? Why am I so upset all the time? Why am I TRYING to find him doing something wrong? Nothing makes sense to me. I don't want to sabotage my own relationship, but I can't stop it.

 

Excitement: It comes and goes; as you spend more time with someone, things begin to dull-out. The key here is to work on keeping and doing exciting things.

Upset: This could be due to other stressers in your life. That could be anything. As well, you are letting your emotions beat your logic.

Maybe you want there to be a problem? Maybe after your ex, you have become addicted to problems within a Relationship. If not, maybe there is something deep within your mind, that feels as though something is not right(once again, you have to Master these areas, and that is a lot of hard-work.)

 

You have to force yourself to stop; things simply do not happen, because we wish them to happen. Regain your lost power over yourself, and let go of the emotions of betrayal, which, though you might not believe it, you still hold unto the pain of the previous relationship.

 

 

 

If anyone has had a similar experience, some words of wisdom, or even just what you think about my situation, it would all be greatly appreciated because I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

[elisee8d]

Yes, I am. I included it because the past has A LOT to do with the way that we act now, why we do certain things we do, and why we feel certain things. I was with him for 2 years and came out of that relationship all sorts of ****ed up, so I felt it was necessary to explain our break up more than it was to explain a month's worth of feelings with someone who is amazing. If someone is good to you, and makes you happy, then that's all that really needs to be said about that. The point I was getting at is that I have an amazing guy, I want nothing to do with my ex - no hard feelings, I'm at peace with our break up and wish him well... I was explaining my process of getting over the break up and coming to terms with it, doing things for myself, and making myself happy. I don't know if I'm afraid of being hurt after being so caught of guard by my ex leaving me, or what.

 

I'm starting to get cold feet about this new relationship out of nowhere, and I was looking for someone who maybe sees something that I don't and could help me get over my fear. Your judgement is definitely not it.

[elisee8d]

A little background:

I was with a guy, my ex, for the past two years. Our relationship was not good - I was very VERY jealous, of his friends, of his exes that he didn't even have contact with, of him spending time with anyone other than me, of celebrities he thought were attractive, and I immediately hated anyone who I thought was more attractive than I was. I took everything as a threat. This, combined with his anger issues and immaturity ultimately led to our break up. He had tons of issues that I could no longer deal with. It was a nasty one - I broke up with him, found someone new, dated man number 2 for a month (hello, rebound...) and realized I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex because I loved him and thought that meant we should be together no matter what. We got back together, were together for about 2 months, and he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Took me back, we had sex, he told me I was who he knew he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life, and then broke up with me the next day over the phone and said he simply "changed his mind" and that I didn't deserve another chance for leaving him and dating someone new, that it meant I didn't love him. This break up was 6 months ago.

 

Good, he seems rather immature. He basically used you for your body. He told you those sweet-nothings, to get into your panties. It worked. A relationship shouldn't be such a hassel.

 

 

 

While I was dating my ex, I had run into a friend from high school and we started talking. Nothing but friendly conversation and catching up, though I did have a crush on him in high school that he didn't know about and he also liked me which I found out recently. We never dated then because he was seeing someone and then I was too. The guy I was dating then is the ex I'm talking about now, and the girl he was dating broke up with him a while ago. When my ex and I broke up, he was there to listen to me about the whole thing. Then he seemed like he really wanted to hang out and constantly talk, I got the feeling he liked me and I got freaked out and stopped talking to him, which was horrible of me... we started talking again about 2 months ago, hung out, I remembered every single reason why I liked him so much back then, I suppose he did too, and now we're dating. It's been about a month for us together.

 

Here: You have a little bit of doubt, you just ended things. Realized your feelings towards this guy, who was being kind to you. You probably remember the ex, who was kind to you, for those moment's he could use you. Which probably scared you. Fortunately, you two ended up dating...

 

 

 

 

ANYWAYS - fast forward to now. I feel as though I have truly processed the break up with my ex, dealt with my emotions and come to terms with everything. I am SO much happier with myself and my life than I ever have been before. So many things are going good for me, new job, moving forward and doing what's right for me, showing people who don't deserve my time to the door. I feel as though I have clarity for the first time ever. Then my boyfriend and I started dating, and man oh man was I on cloud nine! He's perfect, he's a great guy and I've never been with someone who treated me so well. I was literally so happy I didn't know what to do with myself.

 

Good here. Usually you have to walk through the storm, the darkness: Then the sun comes out.

 

 

 

However, for the past 2 weeks, I find myself not wanting to talk to him, or see him, or tell him I miss him. I feel completely detached from him and everything about our relationship. I don't even wanna tell him about my day or make the effort to keep up a conversation with him. I'm getting mad at him for the stupidest reasons, and using those as excuses to avoid answering his texts and phone calls. I noticed I was doing this, and realized that I'm pushing him away. I don't mean to do it, so I've been making an effort to stop, but I just can't. I've been in a horrible mood, easily agitated, on edge, and filled with anxiety. I discussed this with him and he said he understood and not to worry and try not to be scared because he would never hurt me he believes we can handle it and get over it together.

 

You need to find out the reasons, as to why you feel all these negative emotions; is it all really because of the ex? Maybe it is something else...you may not be aware of it, yet.

 

 

 

I don't think this has anything to do with missing my ex or having unresolved feelings about our break up, because I don't miss him, and as I said, I feel like I've completely processed everything. I just don't understand how I went from the happiest I've ever been, by myself, to the happiest I've ever been with someone else, to completely miserable in a matter of a month. I don't know what to do because this is a new relationship and I would hate to ruin it because I really am so happy when I'm with him, it's just keeping up conversation and caring when he's NOT right in front of me that's hard for me.. and even sometimes in person too. I'm so paranoid that he's doing things behind my back, too. I feel like me acting like this is making him pull back a little bit, as he doesn't show as much emotion as he did in the beginning... he says things that give me reason to believe he has no intentions of breaking up with me, though.

Here, he is giving you re-assurance. This is very good. He senses how you have been lately, and wants to re-assure you he will be there. As well, as his loyalties. Life brings us moments of joy, and moments of sorrow, moments of anger, and moments of depression. You will have good times and bad times. Whatever it is, that is causing you to feel negative, as of late, that is the reason why. It could be work, or anything. What you need to do, is realize that these things cannot take power over other aspects of your life: You must learn to master your emotions.

 

 

I just am trying to figure out... why is the excitement gone? Why am I so upset all the time? Why am I TRYING to find him doing something wrong? Nothing makes sense to me. I don't want to sabotage my own relationship, but I can't stop it.

 

Excitement: It comes and goes; as you spend more time with someone, things begin to dull-out. The key here is to work on keeping and doing exciting things.

Upset: This could be due to other stressers in your life. That could be anything. As well, you are letting your emotions beat your logic.

Maybe you want there to be a problem? Maybe after your ex, you have become addicted to problems within a Relationship. If not, maybe there is something deep within your mind, that feels as though something is not right(once again, you have to Master these areas, and that is a lot of hard-work.)

 

You have to force yourself to stop; things simply do not happen, because we wish them to happen. Regain your lost power over yourself, and let go of the emotions of betrayal, which, though you might not believe it, you still hold unto the pain of the previous relationship.

 

 

 

If anyone has had a similar experience, some words of wisdom, or even just what you think about my situation, it would all be greatly appreciated because I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

 

Thank you so much for an answer that actually helped me. I guess maybe I should have clarified exactly what I meant about thinking it had nothing to do with my ex... what I meant was that I didn't think any of these emotions pointed towards my missing him, or wanting him back. I definitely do think that I'm afraid of being hurt, or letting someone in again. I have been having TONS of issues at work, and am in the middle of leaving my job in search of a new one. I also have things going on with my family at the moment, but I've always been so good at never taking that out or letting negative emotions from one area of my life spill over into another. I always leaned on a significant other and wanted them to be there for me, but with him I'm just... I don't even know. I'm not sure how to control my emotions, that's gonna be tough. I thought I had control over them before this little episode. I also really hope I haven't become addicted to problems within a relationship because that's gonna lead to all sorts of problems :/ I don't even mean to do this. Thank you for your answer though, a lot of what you said has made sense

[Toddbt12y1]

It is true, that you may not have had any previous issues, when things have gotten rough. But, tell me, have all these things happened, in such a toll, like this -- at once?

 

Anyone can only handle so much. Leaving a job, for another, and family issues are huge stressers. You probably didn't have these issues, like this before, until now. I am sure, when you get your job fixated and maybe your family soothed out, you will have a lot less stress: and that can be a big factor in a relationship.

 

A stressed partner: Boredom. Easily Angered. Lack of sexual desire. Depression. Paranoia. Quite a bit more...Maybe you can work on these stresses one at a time, and then be comforted. Maybe, share with your bf your latent stresses, and see if he can come up with an idea to help you.

 

Maybe some time away, if possible.