Pushing my new boyfriend away?

[elisee8d]

A little background:

I was with a guy, my ex, for the past two years. Our relationship was not good - I was very VERY jealous, of his friends, of his exes that he didn't even have contact with, of him spending time with anyone other than me, of celebrities he thought were attractive, and I immediately hated anyone who I thought was more attractive than I was. I took everything as a threat. This, combined with his anger issues and immaturity ultimately led to our break up. He had tons of issues that I could no longer deal with. It was a nasty one - I broke up with him, found someone new, dated man number 2 for a month (hello, rebound...) and realized I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex because I loved him and thought that meant we should be together no matter what. We got back together, were together for about 2 months, and he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Took me back, we had sex, he told me I was who he knew he was supposed to be with for the rest of his life, and then broke up with me the next day over the phone and said he simply "changed his mind" and that I didn't deserve another chance for leaving him and dating someone new, that it meant I didn't love him. This break up was 6 months ago.

 

While I was dating my ex, I had run into a friend from high school and we started talking. Nothing but friendly conversation and catching up, though I did have a crush on him in high school that he didn't know about and he also liked me which I found out recently. We never dated then because he was seeing someone and then I was too. The guy I was dating then is the ex I'm talking about now, and the girl he was dating broke up with him a while ago. When my ex and I broke up, he was there to listen to me about the whole thing. Then he seemed like he really wanted to hang out and constantly talk, I got the feeling he liked me and I got freaked out and stopped talking to him, which was horrible of me... we started talking again about 2 months ago, hung out, I remembered every single reason why I liked him so much back then, I suppose he did too, and now we're dating. It's been about a month for us together.

 

ANYWAYS - fast forward to now. I feel as though I have truly processed the break up with my ex, dealt with my emotions and come to terms with everything. I am SO much happier with myself and my life than I ever have been before. So many things are going good for me, new job, moving forward and doing what's right for me, showing people who don't deserve my time to the door. I feel as though I have clarity for the first time ever. Then my boyfriend and I started dating, and man oh man was I on cloud nine! He's perfect, he's a great guy and I've never been with someone who treated me so well. I was literally so happy I didn't know what to do with myself.

 

However, for the past 2 weeks, I find myself not wanting to talk to him, or see him, or tell him I miss him. I feel completely detached from him and everything about our relationship. I don't even wanna tell him about my day or make the effort to keep up a conversation with him. I'm getting mad at him for the stupidest reasons, and using those as excuses to avoid answering his texts and phone calls. I noticed I was doing this, and realized that I'm pushing him away. I don't mean to do it, so I've been making an effort to stop, but I just can't. I've been in a horrible mood, easily agitated, on edge, and filled with anxiety. I discussed this with him and he said he understood and not to worry and try not to be scared because he would never hurt me he believes we can handle it and get over it together.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with missing my ex or having unresolved feelings about our break up, because I don't miss him, and as I said, I feel like I've completely processed everything. I just don't understand how I went from the happiest I've ever been, by myself, to the happiest I've ever been with someone else, to completely miserable in a matter of a month. I don't know what to do because this is a new relationship and I would hate to ruin it because I really am so happy when I'm with him, it's just keeping up conversation and caring when he's NOT right in front of me that's hard for me.. and even sometimes in person too. I'm so paranoid that he's doing things behind my back, too. I feel like me acting like this is making him pull back a little bit, as he doesn't show as much emotion as he did in the beginning... he says things that give me reason to believe he has no intentions of breaking up with me, though.

 

I just am trying to figure out... why is the excitement gone? Why am I so upset all the time? Why am I TRYING to find him doing something wrong? Nothing makes sense to me. I don't want to sabotage my own relationship, but I can't stop it.

 

If anyone has had a similar experience, some words of wisdom, or even just what you think about my situation, it would all be greatly appreciated because I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

[iKING]

What goes up, must come down. You're getting through the excitement and wonder of the honeymoon phase and are starting to resort to habits you displayed in your previous relationship. Try to take some time to clear your mind and figure out what the issue truly is. Don't let your own thoughts become your downfall. If you find yourself getting irritable take a deep breath and relax, calm your nerves before making a knee-jerk reaction and try to find the reasons why certain things are triggering such responses. You went to cloud nine and now that you're coming back down to planet earth and taking reality for what it is, you're going to need to keep an eye on your behaviors. If he's a guy worth sticking around for, try to just take things as they come and don't let emotional scars cloud your judgment. This is life, things will be ok.

[elisee8d]

What goes up, must come down. You're getting through the excitement and wonder of the honeymoon phase and are starting to resort to habits you displayed in your previous relationship. Try to take some time to clear your mind and figure out what the issue truly is. Don't let your own thoughts become your downfall. If you find yourself getting irritable take a deep breath and relax, calm your nerves before making a knee-jerk reaction and try to find the reasons why certain things are triggering such responses. You went to cloud nine and now that you're coming back down to planet earth and taking reality for what it is, you're going to need to keep an eye on your behaviors. If he's a guy worth sticking around for, try to just take things as they come and don't let emotional scars cloud your judgment. This is life, things will be ok.

 

Very nicely worded... thank you for the advice. He definitely is a guy that's worth sticking around for, just being that our relationship is so new, I would hate for him to start looking at me as a girl who isn't worth the trouble she's causing.

[elisee8d]

Also I'm not sure how I left this out of my original post, but I'm finding it really hard to just let him make me happy. I'm too afraid to let myself be happy... anyone have advice on how to get over this fear?

[iKING]

Also I'm not sure how I left this out of my original post, but I'm finding it really hard to just let him make me happy. I'm too afraid to let myself be happy... anyone have advice on how to get over this fear?

 

Let go of the resistance. Let your mind be free. Each day is a new day and each love is a new love. Take things as they come and leave out the rest, life is a series of ups and downs, flux and flow. Things will be ok if you ease back on the low. Everything changes and this too shall pass. A reasonable amount of analysis is wise but It's possible to over-think things and let your mind get in the way of just living life. We're not here forever, enjoy it while it lasts

[AverageCat]

The guy above me knows what he's talking about.

 

Tips:

- Communication is key.

- If you need space take space, but respect the before rule. So tell him that you ll need space to think more of him, cuz he's not letting you miss him.

- Understand that happiness does not depend on HIM. He is just an added value to YOUR life.

 

Cheers,

 

EDIT: Tell me the truth. Do you miss your ex?

[elisee8d]

The guy above me knows what he's talking about.

 

Tips:

- Communication is key.

- If you need space take space, but respect the before rule. So tell him that you ll need space to think more of him, cuz he's not letting you miss him.

- Understand that happiness does not depend on HIM. He is just an added value to YOUR life.

 

Cheers,

 

EDIT: Tell me the truth. Do you miss your ex?

 

That's the thing, I feel like now he's becoming distant from me, he's giving me a little too much room to miss him, maybe... I also am totally aware that my happiness doesn't depend on him, this is actually the first time in my life where I've realized that my happiness has nothing to do with a guy, and I was 100% wholeheartedly happy with the direction my life was headed and with everything about myself and the people I had around me. This all came after I had dealt with grieving over my ex, which is why I felt it necessary to explain so much about him in the beginning of this post. I can 110% honestly say that I DO NOT miss him though. I realize why things didn't work out between us, and I almost wish it were the case that I missed him, because then this would make sense... but I really and truly don't. If anything, I would admit to missing having someone who knew how to handle me and knew why I was feeling any type of way due to having been with him for so long, but him as a person, or our relationship? No. If given the chance to be back together with him, I think I would run in the other direction. The whole not having the comfort of a LTR bothered me a lot before I became involved with my current boyfriend, but I've realized that it's impossible to have that at first... maybe that's what's bothering me though? I don't know... I'm definitely not used to someone new, and I'm not entirely sure how he operates and what to do/not to do like I was with my ex. Maybe that's what feels off? Jeez, how sad is it that I can't answer these questions for myself...

[ChessPieceFace]

Maybe you should find out if you might be bipolar.

[AverageCat]

That's the thing, I feel like now he's becoming distant from me, he's giving me a little too much room to miss him, maybe... I also am totally aware that my happiness doesn't depend on him, this is actually the first time in my life where I've realized that my happiness has nothing to do with a guy, and I was 100% wholeheartedly happy with the direction my life was headed and with everything about myself and the people I had around me. This all came after I had dealt with grieving over my ex, which is why I felt it necessary to explain so much about him in the beginning of this post. I can 110% honestly say that I DO NOT miss him though. I realize why things didn't work out between us, and I almost wish it were the case that I missed him, because then this would make sense... but I really and truly don't. If anything, I would admit to missing having someone who knew how to handle me and knew why I was feeling any type of way due to having been with him for so long, but him as a person, or our relationship? No. If given the chance to be back together with him, I think I would run in the other direction. The whole not having the comfort of a LTR bothered me a lot before I became involved with my current boyfriend, but I've realized that it's impossible to have that at first... maybe that's what's bothering me though? I don't know... I'm definitely not used to someone new, and I'm not entirely sure how he operates and what to do/not to do like I was with my ex. Maybe that's what feels off? Jeez, how sad is it that I can't answer these questions for myself...

 

I wanna extend this talk since I feel like it relates to my current gf atm.

 

I know she doesn't want to be with her exes but from time to time she creeps them on facebook and it kind of puts me in a harsh spot.

 

SO I don't understand, you said you needed space, he gave you space, and now you're feeling him distant???

 

Also why is there no comfort with your current bf... What feels off about him?

Comparing your ex with your current, what exactly was it that you liked more about your ex? (Be more precise than "he knew how to handle me")

 

Was it the arguments you had and the make up after? Are you fiending for some emotional rollercoaster?

 

EDIT: Think about this well. I know that at first it seems that the comfort is just "missing" but that's way too general.

Sometimes things like, "there was more attraction with your ex", or "he gave you more attention", or "he gave you less attention, therefore you took him less for granted", are easier explanations.

 

Lastly it might just be that comparing this with what you had with your ex is difficult because:

- You were longer with him.

- It's in the past. We usually think about past times as "the best", just because our mind has this property of always polishing the past from its ugly parts and reminding oneself only about the "amazing parts". That is when nostalgia kicks in... And that's why so many people choose LDRs... The imagination is way better than the reality... But you have to realize that this is ALL AN ILLUSION, created by the mind.

Edited March 7, 2013 by AverageCat

[Keenly]

Of course he is becoming distant from you, because that's the way you are treating him. I don't think you were ready for the second relationship. It would seem your heart and mind are not in synch yet.