Dan08 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I'm just wondering how many people actively change themselves after a breakup as a means to move and find someone else and grow as a person or purely on a deeper level they still want their ex back and hope that by changing things up a bit it'll make all the difference and that person will come back? I only ask as I've recently been hitting the gym, changing my cut and clothes in an attempt to move and change who I am as a means to move on and change but at the same time a deeper part of me worries it's all for my ex's benefit and it would all fall apart if they weren't to recognise it.
BarbecueMan666 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I wouldn't worry too much. My ex and I broke up around new years and what you're going through I think is normal, or a least I went through it. I'm new to breakups, was my first serious relationship and I didn't know the do's or don'ts, I also didn't have the experience to know my own do's or don'ts. My ex - Cut her hair very short, below shoulder length from it being down her back, Pumped up her lips, wears more sexual clothing etc. I didn't really know what to do, I just bought a couple of new clothes, started working out and eating healthier. I'm not sure how far you are into your breakup, but after a while it gets easier and more apparent with what you want. I initially wanted my ex to look at me and see changes for what they were, and realize they made a mistake. You'll get to the point as I did, no matter what you do, or what you change it won't make them really feel differently. If your ex started making changes, that you wanted them to do 1 year ago, how would you feel about it? Well 1. - It really doesn't help scouting them out anyway or keeping tabs on them. and 2. - It would probably just feel a bitter or sour. But besides those 2 points everything starts to become more clear with time, and eventually, hopefully she'll start to slip out of your mind, and your reasoning for doing better for yourself will be more that, you want to focus on yourself a bit more, rather than doing stuff for your ex. What ever you do to better your life now is for you, your ex is out of the picture.
cavalier99 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 This is normal. At least for me in the 1st months after the BU we make massive changes but subconsciously it often feels like it is for an imaginary encounter with the ex to show them how great we are doing without them. This happens i think because in the beginning everything and our point of reference is about the EX. In the next months the mad rush at self improvement dies down. We realize they aren't coming back and the imaginary competition we had to improve for out ex goes away. The improvements are for OURSELVES. Unfortunately this is also a time when reality REALLY strikes that they are NEVER coming back (even though we knew this before) and we were sorta living in a fantasy. It is a step forward at this point but takes some processing. My thoughts. Cav
RogerWallace111 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Even if you have an ulterior motive of showing her something by improving yourself, it's all good. Don't worry about the motivation behind making positive changes, just keep it up. It's one of those "fake it till you make it" type of things where, even if it were blatantly all for her in your mind, eventually you're gonna wake up feeling super satisfied with / proud of yourself . I know the "I'll show him/her" feeling has inspired all sorts of achievements, art, etc that far transcended the possibly immature or pettily vengeful motivation behind them. Personally, I don't think I ever improved myself with any aim of showing my ex, making her want me back, or anything like that. There were definitely times I thought "think of the badass current me she's missing out on", and would have liked for her to see. But that was all after making progress in the given area, and not behind my doing it. I was definitely motivated by heartache, and the simple idea of making myself feel better through self-improvement, but it was always about me, not her. I feel like if one's been wronged through the end of a relationship, or made to question their own value, they're more likely to make changes driven by the urge to "show" their ex. Since that wasn't the case for me, and I remained perfectly happy with myself throughout, I probably avoided that. But, I definitely wouldn't mind my ex being forced to see me play a concert, shirtless with my further improved physique, with a bunch of ladies drooling over me 1
purplereigncb Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 so guilty of this. spent a whole month in an imaginary world.
Blastoplast Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Even if you have an ulterior motive of showing her something by improving yourself, it's all good. Don't worry about the motivation behind making positive changes, just keep it up. It's one of those "fake it till you make it" type of things where, even if it were blatantly all for her in your mind, eventually you're gonna wake up feeling super satisfied with / proud of yourself . I know the "I'll show him/her" feeling has inspired all sorts of achievements, art, etc that far transcended the possibly immature or pettily vengeful motivation behind them. Personally, I don't think I ever improved myself with any aim of showing my ex, making her want me back, or anything like that. There were definitely times I thought "think of the badass current me she's missing out on", and would have liked for her to see. But that was all after making progress in the given area, and not behind my doing it. I was definitely motivated by heartache, and the simple idea of making myself feel better through self-improvement, but it was always about me, not her. I feel like if one's been wronged through the end of a relationship, or made to question their own value, they're more likely to make changes driven by the urge to "show" their ex. Since that wasn't the case for me, and I remained perfectly happy with myself throughout, I probably avoided that. But, I definitely wouldn't mind my ex being forced to see me play a concert, shirtless with my further improved physique, with a bunch of ladies drooling over me This is pretty much me. At first when my EX broke up with me I could understand it and I almost rationalized her decision. But now that more time has gone one I realize that the problem wasn't with me at all, but rather her selfish motivations, insecurities and immaturity. So I'm more hell bent than ever at doing amazing things, and I've been making some great strides!
Keenly Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 I'm changing quite a bit since my last relationship ended in november. I guess my answer is both. I'm changing for me because I'd like to date attractive women, therefore putting more effort in my appearance. I guess a little motivation is coming from the horrible insults she said toward the end.
RogerWallace111 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 This is pretty much me. At first when my EX broke up with me I could understand it and I almost rationalized her decision. But now that more time has gone one I realize that the problem wasn't with me at all, but rather her selfish motivations, insecurities and immaturity. So I'm more hell bent than ever at doing amazing things, and I've been making some great strides! Love that ^ !
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