How did you know? Feeling mistrustful...

[effie]

I don't remember how much it was. I don't have it anymore. I don't think you have to have anything on the phone for it to be tracked. It's very possible he will be notified if there is a change made to the account.

Talk the people at ATT ask them these questions, they will be able to answer them better than I can.

Is there a reason you can fabricate to justify getting the familymap added to the plan? Is there another phone on the plan you want to keep "track of". The family map is applied to the plan, not an individual phone on the plan. So if there is another phone on the plan you want to "track", by default you will be able to track his.

 

edit:

I just logged into my account online.

Familymap to track up to 5 phones: $14.99

Track up to 2 phones: $9.99

 

OK thanks. We don't have kids, so I can't use that as an excuse to get it. Maybe I could say I want it as a safety precaution. I think he would laugh that off though. I'll think about it.

[dichotomy]

We use that ATT family map on our teenager. It you husband is the account holder, he will be notified I think. It also shows up in the bills. AT&T wishes to avoid adults using this on each other.

 

I like what others have suggested - get a tiny voice recorder and toss it in the car. You can also put a GPS tracker in the car as well (but it costs more). I assume he uses his phone and not the computer in the house? If he uses the computer you can put software on it to log everything he does.

 

Of just hire a PI for a couple a grand and be done.

[effie]

We use that ATT family map on our teenager. It you husband is the account holder, he will be notified I think. It also shows up in the bills. AT&T wishes to avoid adults using this on each other.

 

I like what others have suggested - get a tiny voice recorder and toss it in the car. You can also put a GPS tracker in the car as well (but it costs more). I assume he uses his phone and not the computer in the house? If he uses the computer you can put software on it to log everything he does.

 

Of just hire a PI for a couple a grand and be done.

 

We only have one car, and I drive it, so I can't do that on the car. My husband takes the train and walks to walk/home from the train.

 

My husband used to use the computers we have a lot, before I started suspecting something. In the last 2 months or so he exclusively uses his phone and goes days/weeks without logging onto either of our computers. If he needs to send an email and doesn't want to do it from his phone he does it at work, even staying late after he gets out of work to use a work computer to send emails. Or so he says.

 

Speaking of, he should be home in about 10 minutes if he left work when he is supposed to, but apparently he just left now (45 minutes after he gets out of work for the day). This is becoming really common, like almost every day.

Edited March 6, 2013 by effie

[96nole]

I finally got to read your original post completely. Unfortunately, I believe there is definitely something going on. The phone is the key right not.

Where is his phone when he is sleeping? It seems your only good opportunity to look at it is in the middle of the night when he is sleeping

[aeh]

I am sorry to say that it looks VERY incriminating. Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was. I couldn't figure out when my husband would have had time for an affair but he would meet her for lunch or have sex with her after work in a parking garage in her car. He used his work phone which I had no access to texts etc. I picked up his phone one day to text out son and there was a strange email on there and that's how I found out. It had been going on for a year and I just had vague feelings of something being off. Honestly, way way less than you have. I'm sorry. Also Family Map notifies those being tracked periodically as we used that on our teenager. However, findmyiphone works great and is free. Considerably better accuracy as well, at least in our area. If you know his apple ID or can guess it and his email address (using the me dot com address that everyone with apple gets) then you could log in and see exactly where he is. I think the voice activated recorder stuck under his seat is a your best bet.

[stevie_23]

Hmm. Well, I don’t know if all of this can be explained away and there’s nothing going on, but…I can see why you’re feeling uneasy.

 

I think at the very LEAST, he may just be feeling differently towards you in the marriage and beginning to hide things. Even if it’s not anything really bad yet, it may become that way if it continues.

 

I do see some similarities I guess with my own situation when I was in an affair with a married man. For almost 2 years we were together, and we emailed and chatted online, and sent thousands of text messages. He would always make sure he deleted our texts in case his wife found his phone. (he began using his normal phone but then she found out so he got a secret phone she didn’t know about) He would have other internet windows open besides our chat window and when anyone came in, he’d quickly jump to one of those other windows to hide what we were doing.

 

I can’t see why your husband would be so protective of his phone if there was truly nothing to hide. When I was having my affair (for almost 2 years), I rarely let my phone out of my sight. And I would get tense if my partner came too close to it (not that this ever really happened), but now the affair is over, I don’t care where my phone is or if it rings and she brings it in to me or something. There’s no reason to be protective of it anymore, you know?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Effie, I have a suggestion to make. Why not turn the tables on him and do what he is doing. Play a game where you act like him, be protective of your phone, go into another room when your phone rings to speak, password protect your phone so that he cannot open it up when you are not around, when you receive a text from some one while he is around, smile in a way so as to suggest that you have received a very personal and private message from some one, stay out late after work every once in a while and in fact do every thing that he is doing. If he is guilty as it definitely appears to be the case, then his suspicions will be aroused and he will question you and try and find out what you are up to. In fact since you have sole use of the car you can become a bit more creative about it all.

 

When he really gets very suspicious and starts hounding you then tell him that what is good for the gander is also good for the goose. If he asks you what you mean by that, tell him he knows exactly what you mean. Do not answer his questions in a straight forward manner. Be a little cryptic. Oh yes, become a little distant with him, avoid any intimate time with him and frequently give him the cold shoulder. Keep up the game till he is at his wits end and after some time I am sure he will crack. He will know that he has been caught or he will actually think that you are having an affair and will go all out to woo you again and try and sort out things. If he does not do so then you can take it that he has checked out of the marriage and there is little more that you can do to save it. Hope this helps. Cheers!

[effie]

I feel like something is going on, but the more I think about it the more I'm just confused, and maybe it's not an affair. Of course, if it's not, I have no idea what else it could be

 

I think if I could get an opportunity to check his phone I would either feel reassured, or else have a jumping off place of where to take things from there, whether that be confronting him, hiring a PI, or whatever.

 

My husband is a very light sleeper, so I'm not sure if I could get away with checking it in the middle of the night. If he got really, really drunk it would be possible, but he doesn't do that very often. Now I am kicking myself for only scrolling through his texts without reading or doing any other digging (email, FB, etc.) the night that he was really drunk and I checked his phone while he was in the bathroom. I should've taken the opportunity when I had the chance.

 

Something else that is very weird is that my husband no longer has a password/lock on his cell phone. I asked him about why he didn't a few weeks ago and he said something like he did have a lock on his phone, but he was doing something on his phone one day and it kept locking and it was annoying so he extended the lock period as long as possible. But he didn't have a lock - I was navigating for him on his phone, and with his permission I checked the lock period, and I changed it from what it was set on to 1 minute. 30 minutes later I swiped his phone and it was not locked. I told him that he definitely didn't have a lock on it and insisted that he put one on, since he uses banking apps, etc. He kept insisting that he did have one and I was wrong...BUT HE DOES NOT. So he was lying to me about it, and I can't think of one reason why he would take the lock off his phone, and then lie to me about it. I know that he still does not have a lock on his phone because 1. that is the only reason I was able to check his phone the night he was drunk and 2. I've noticed him just swiping his phone when he gets texts. Why wouldn't he just tell me why he doesn't want to have a lock on his phone?

 

Second, his phone is literally never out of his possession, except when he is sleeping. It is extreme. Last night we were downstairs together and he had his phone on the charger upstairs. We went to bed at the same time, so we were in the bathroom at the same time and he left his phone on the charger....but then I got into bed, and he came out of the bathroom to get his phone, put it in his pocket, and then went back into the bathroom to pee (with the door open), before coming to bed and putting his phone on his side of the bed.

 

Other weird stuff about his phone: there is one number from a random state on the opposite coast - I could only think of one person my husband has ever mentioned that could possibly have a number with an area code from that area, so I subtly asked some questions last night, and he hasn't spoken to that person in months. So now I'm back to having no idea who it could be.

 

Now that I am checking the phone bill to see what numbers he calls/texts I see there are several really weird numbers from random states that are no where near us (my husband is born and raised here, and I know who his friends are and have most of their numbers, and I've always had a pretty good idea who he talks to and hangs out with).

 

Last night his phone was blowing up with text messages, so I finally playfully said something about it, and he said that he was texting my brother. Except this afternoon when I checked the phone bill, he had only exchanged one text with my brother (who doesn't have an iPhone, so all texts to and from him would show up), and there were a bunch of random numbers that he was texting all night.

 

Also, we have iPhones, so only numbers texted show up, and not iMessages, which I think is mostly what he gets, based on the number of texts I see versus how often he is texting and the times I know he sends/receives texts that don't show up on the bill.

 

Sorry, I'm completely obsessing about this AND I HATE IT.

Edited March 7, 2013 by effie

[dichotomy]

If you have phone numbers why not look them up - there are online services where you can pay to "reverse look up" a phone number. Stick to the numbers that come up most often (repeated) or are longer durations or unusual times.

[Just a Guy]

Effie, I think you just have to step back and become a bit more objective about the whole thing. You are too involved and engrossed in the whole 'Is he cheating' thing and it is eating you up and making you unnecessarily paranoid. I would say put some space between yourself and your husband and then observe him carefully without letting your emotions getting the better of you. Try the 180 that people on this board keep recommending. That should get his attention. You have to somehow break this shell that he has created around himself so that his true persona shines through. Also, instead of stewing in the uncertainty of what he is up to, think of some thing that you CAN do to find out his motives and his actions. If you have to invest in the services of a PI then do so. If nothing comes out of it at least you will get peace of mind. The way you are worrying about it now like a dog with a bone you are likely to have a nervous break down. Become proactive rather than being reactive to his actions and acts of commission and omission. Hope you find peace! Cheers.

[Darren Steez]

Ahh the good old gut feeling! Everything is rosy yet something is not right and you don't want to confront it in fear of a) Being wrong and wrongly accusing somebody of something they didn't do b) More importantly ruining what is on the surface a great/good relationship

 

Our judgement is all we have, it steers us through life, whether you learn from the mistakes of the past and grow is up to the individual.

 

People and their damn phones!! Seriously it's like the brain dead, you will obviously get caught by it. If someone takes their phone into the bathroom with them just to keep it out of range then BIG RED FLAG

 

Next time the texts are blowing up, politely ask to see who is texting..nothing to hide and all that jazz..

[ThatJustHappened]

There's a website called Spokeo that you can use to check numbers. Give that a shot. It's not too expensive.

[CarboniteCammy]

Effie,

 

Have you thought about surprising him at work one day with lunch? I don't know if that's feasible for you to do, but it might help to catch him in the act possibly.

 

Also, I agree with the theory that he has two phones. He probably has no need to lock the phone you're aware of, because there's nothing on it that he's afraid of you finding. If he bought the same kind of phone to use for the affair, it might be hard to tell them apart.

 

Is he close to anyone at his office? Do they have wives or girlfriends? What about his siblings? They might be a good source of information. Sometimes, people know more then they want to, and they really want to say something, but they're afraid to get involved. But, if you point blank ask them, they'll spill their guts out of guilt.

 

All in all, I think the PI is the best bet. It might cost a few thousand bucks, but I think it's worth it for peace of mind if nothing else.

[kristismiles]

Yes two identicle phones is common. There is a guy at my gym that has his two iphones on the shelf of the elypical. He actually brags about it being for his girlfriend and they tease him about being careful when texting both at the same time that he doesn't confuse the phones. It's just disgusting. Put a voice activated recorder unde your bed and under your couch.

[Yellowteacup]

Remember that FB, Yahoo, Google+, etc., have their own message services. He could have another phone and yet at the same time utilizing 3rd party apps.

[todreaminblue]

He would become upset with me easily, he would be very quiet, short, never asked me how my day was, he started to pull away and i felt every step he took....deb

[Jonah]

Talk future. Tell him that he its your whole life. Later it on with sincerity. Give him gifts and cards. Do it in a purposeful way that his spirit stats easing at him... That there is no doubt that you will be deeply hurt by his choices. Some folk justify by denying there is a relationship. deny him that luxury. It will be entertaining to see him squirm. that way when dday does come it well be harder on him and easier on you.

[effie]

Thanks for all the replies; this is pretty new to me, and I think I half thought that people would tell me I was imagining things or being crazy.

 

I will try Spokeo or something similar if people have had good results. All the numbers are cell phones, so I didn't get any results doing free searches.

 

I'm looking into a PI, etc., but I will have to save for a couple months or my husband will notice if I spend that kind of money all at once.

 

Other than the odd behaviors I've mentioned everything else seems great.

[Charlene78]

It was in the media.

 

Multiple times.

[Dragonfruit]

Instead of the detective type stuff I'd go to marriage counseling. It seems there are issues aside from if he's cheating or not. The foundation is shaky imo when from what I've read here, he does a kind of wimpy liar act as a way of life. It seems to me that basic communication patterns, trust, assertiveness, whatever the root cause is there needs serious work either way and then you'd have professional help in delving into all of it.

 

if your husband casually lies to everyone whenever it's easiest and feels the need to please whoever he's with, when in the world would the detective work ever be able to end, once it was started? You don't just need a husband who isn't cheating, you need a husband you can trust, period. Just my feeling, fwiw. I hope it all works out for you.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[TheBladeRunner]

Purely a gut feeling, then I confronted her. She confessed, I moved out two weeks later after retaining legal counsel. Over time I noticed that she treated me worse and worse, never wanted to talk, and intimacy was non existent. We had a night to ourselves and she wanted nothing to do with me, I had enough and I asked her point blank if she was having an affair.

 

Prior to the confrontation things just didn't seem right, I had that strange, sinking feeling. She was protective of the phone as well, always deleting messages.

[sattech200]

Just went through an almost identical situation a month ago. I have a post with the details under coping. NEVER EVER EVER discredit your gut feeling.

[Ladydrib]

I honestly think my husband loves me, and he does a lot of great things for me.

 

Haven't finished reading yet, but wanted to share my first instinct without being influenced by the rest of it. My instinct is not necessarily related to cheating, but where you say "I honestly think my husband loves me", this is a problem. You should know your husband loves you. Either he is doing something to make you less secure than you should be, or you have something internal which leads you you only "thinkining" that he loves you. I just wanted to make sure that I called your attention to that. Going to finish reading your story now.

[Ladydrib]

.

 

I hate feeling like I need to check up on him, but I don't know what to do. It's weird, because I feel like I need to check up on him, but I also feel like he doesn't have huge chunks of time that are unaccounted for when he could be cheating on me.

 

Thanks for reading. Thoughts and insight much appreciated.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I definitely believe he is cheating. Here's my advice. Before you find out, answer for yourself, what do you plan to do if you confirm he is. Do you plan to leave? Go to counseling? Be prepared to talk to him about it. Once you get your head straight with a plan, your next step should be to get ahold of that phone the next time he let's his guard down. If you can get it while it's unlocked, in 10 minutes you can install a key logger on it. You will be able to track everything he types. Before you do that, research key loggers and practice installing it on your phone. Outsmart him. You can do it!

[Ladydrib]

He very rarely talks on the phone though.

 

..... If he's in his car with her, he's probably not talking. :-(. But you will get confirmation.