How did you know? Feeling mistrustful...

[effie]

I'm curious how people knew their spouse was cheating, how they confirmed it, and so on. Also any insight into my situation would be appreciated. I'm at the point where I find myself wanting to check up on my husband, but there's nothing specific or concrete that is making me feel this way. So is it just me, or should I be worried?

 

Sorry if this post becomes really long and rambling. Also, my husband has many great qualities, and I would say we are generally happy, or else I wouldn't have married him and stayed married. I honestly think my husband loves me, and he does a lot of great things for me. I'm just throwing that out there because everything I say next is going to be only the bad and the ugly and none of the good

 

I think character comes into play here, so a word about that: my husband is a path of least resistance kind of person. He is a people pleaser. It is extremely important to him what other people think of him. He avoids conflict at almost any cost. He can be pretty selfish, and he does more to make himself look good in front of others, rather than trying to make me look good. (An example of that would be a friend being incredulous that my husband never cooks dinner, and instead of saying how lucky he is that I cook him dinner, he says that he actually loves to cook and wishes that he had more opportunities to cook for me. For the record, he hates to cook, and doesn't care to learn how.) Some other examples of this type of behavior is many times if we have to say no to something, he blames it on me - he doesn't feel like going to the gym after work with his friend, so he tries to get me to tell him he can't go instead of just saying no. Instead of telling his ex-gf that he doesn't want to see her he says that I would be upset if she came to a party. Things like that.

 

I think that my husband is the kind of person who would make excuses for his behavior and justify it. Like, if he cheated on me and I found out I can very easily imagine him telling me that it was my fault or it was justifiable because we had been fighting or whatever.

 

With all that said, some things that are making me feel like checking up on him:

 

We are OK right now, but we recently had a rough patch of about 3 or 4 months when we had really awful fights, and just didn't like each other at all. I think that we were both contemplating divorce then.

 

My husband has a history of lying to me about things where he didn't quite do something wrong (except lying of course), but he wants to be the "cool" guy with his friends and/or do whatever he wants, but not get into trouble or have any kind of conflict with me. One example of this kind of behavior is my husband went to a strip club for his brother-in-law's bachelor party, then lied to me and said he didn't. I found out months later from the wives of the other guys that went. Another example is my husband was out to dinner with 2 male friends, and one of the friends went and brought 2 random girls to hang out and drink with them. My husband never told me, and I found out from the wife of one of the other guys that was there. My husband doesn't seem to understand that this kind of behavior causes trust issues. i.e. when I've tried to talk to him about these things, he will say "If you don't trust me then get out."

 

My husband is extremely protective of his phone, and seems to be anxious if I have it in my possession - like if he is driving and I insist that he give me his phone to navigate instead of him holding it himself and not focusing on driving like he should. If for some reason I am holding his phone and he gets a text from his sister, my sister, a mutual friend, he never wants me to read it or respond to it for him, like if he is driving. In the few cases were he has let me view and/or respond to a text it has been under circumstances where he took the phone back from me, opened his texts, and skimmed the text himself before giving it to me to respond to. His phone is almost never out of his possession. He brings it into the bathroom with him when he is peeing, pooping, showering, brushing his teeth. If he leaves it upstairs on the charger while we are downstairs, if I go upstairs, he comes up 3 seconds later to retrieve his phone.

 

I know what time he gets out of work, and how long it takes him to get home, but he gets home at really random times, but never too late or anything where I would think something is up other than him staying after work and chatting with co-workers or something for a bit. He also has started always taking a shower as soon as he gets home from work or from a weekend guys' trip, which I find a bit odd.

 

I'm sure there are other things too, but all of this brings me to:

I use my personal cell phone for work, so I expense my data plan per company policy. My husband and I are on the same cell phone plan, under his name. When I started expensing my data plan 2 months ago he gave me his user name, and changed his password to the one we use for mutual accounts (like evite and things like that). Last month when I went online to print the cell phone bill (it is on autopay so we don't get a bill sent to the house), I entered the username and password that he gave me like 20 times, and every time it came back as the incorrect password for the user name (which was right). So I go locked out. I texted my husband asking if he had changed the password. He said that no he hadn't, and I must have the caplocks on or something, and he would check himself when he could get to a PC. I didn't have the cap locks on and I know I was entering all the information correctly. A few hours later, my husband said that the username and password were the same that I had been using, and I must have been misspelling it. So I went back and tried to log on again - and it worked the first time. So I honestly think that he changed the password after the first time I printed off the bill, and then changed it back when I asked him about it.

 

Anyways, this incident gave me a bad feeling, so I scrolled through the numbers he called and texted that month, just to see if anything looked suspicious, like if there was one number he was calling/texting at weird times or more than other numbers. The only thing that stuck out was multiple texts to a couple numbers that had odd area codes. So, one night I had an opportunity to check his phone - he was really drunk, and left his phone in the bedroom while he was in the bathroom. He recently took the lock/password off his phone, which is also weird. When he had a lock on it I never knew the password. Anyways, I just scrolled through the people he texted really quick to see if there was name that would match with the area code, or anyone I didn't recognize, and there wasn't. Everyone he texted in the last month was someone whose number I have myself, so I know that he deleted the texts from these other 4 numbers. The cell phone company only keeps the log of numbers called and texted for the current month's bill, so I can't crosscheck with previous months.

 

My husband also hasn't been interested in sex in the last 4-6 months.

 

If I ever get another opportunity to check his cell phone (doubtful), I really think I will check it, which is something I've only done the one time I mentioned above.

 

I hate feeling like I need to check up on him, but I don't know what to do. It's weird, because I feel like I need to check up on him, but I also feel like he doesn't have huge chunks of time that are unaccounted for when he could be cheating on me.

 

Thanks for reading. Thoughts and insight much appreciated.

Edited March 6, 2013 by effie

[Just a Guy]

Hi Effie, What does your gut tell you? If you have that gut feel that most people get when they think something is going on with their spouses then you may be on to something. Just keep monitoring that feeling. Best wishes to you.

[Furious]

I can understand that you may be mistrustful, especially about how easily your husband lies about things and guards his cell, even taking it to the bathroom with him.

 

Red flags and your gut instinct kicks in. It's normal to feel conflicted about your suspicion but then again don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

I've learned the hard way to trust my gut, and from now on will continue trusting it.

 

Some people get voice activated recorders and secretly install them, key loggers, or even hire a PI when they become very concerned and more often than not, their gut instinct was right.

 

What do you intend to do?

[effie]

Hi Effie, What does your gut tell you? If you have that gut feel that most people get when they think something is going on with their spouses then you may be on to something. Just keep monitoring that feeling. Best wishes to you.

 

It's so hard to say. My gut is telling me something isn't quite right, but I can't reconcile that feeling with anything that would tell me he is cheating. The fact that he lies about things where he didn't actually do something wrong, but that is maybe questionable or annoying throws a wrench in things.

[effie]

I can understand that you may be mistrustful, especially about how easily your husband lies about things and guards his cell, even taking it to the bathroom with him.

 

Red flags and your gut instinct kicks in. It's normal to feel conflicted about your suspicion but then again don't want to jump to conclusions.

 

I've learned the hard way to trust my gut, and from now on will continue trusting it.

 

Some people get voice activated recorders and secretly install them, key loggers, or even hire a PI when they become very concerned and more often than not, their gut instinct was right.

 

What do you intend to do?

I'm not sure what to do, it's part of why I'm here. I definitely want to find out more. If my husband is being unfaithful, I'm leaning more toward an emotional affair than a physical one. I think that if something is going on I am more likely to find out from his cell phone records than from phone conversations or having him followed. He almost never talks on the phone - like, from looking at our most recent cell phone bill he has 1000+ texts, but has only spoken on the phone for about 20 minutes, and all those calls are to me or delivery people.

 

I checked with the cell phone company, and the only way to get the content of the text messages (aside from seeing them myself on his phone, which is unlikely) is to fill out a consent form and have it notarized - so there is no way to do that, because he would never agree to it.

 

I don't have enough to go on right now to confront him.

 

I did a Google search to see if it's possible to put something on his cell phone to record his text messages and picture messages, but I couldn't find a product that I thought would work, plus it would be very difficult to have enough time alone with his cell phone to actually install some kind of software.

 

Also, about my husband being really protective of his phone, another thing he does, is if he is upstairs for a really long time and I go upstairs to talk to him about something, he will always be on his phone, and when I get close to him he will tilt his phone away from me, or immediately close the window he is looking at and put his phone down to talk to me. Like, obviously whatever he is doing on his phone is some big secret.

Edited March 6, 2013 by effie

[Furious]

One option is a voice activated recorder that you hide in his car and an another one in the house where he most frequently uses to talk on his cell.

 

You can easily find them at most tech stores.

[effie]

One option is a voice activated recorder that you hide in his car and an another one in the house where he most frequently uses to talk on his cell.

 

You can easily find them at most tech stores.

 

He very rarely talks on the phone though, and I recognize every number on the cell phone bill that he calls or that calls him. Even when he and I were dating he was a texter, not a caller. If he is doing something he's not supposed to, I would find out about it through emails or text messages I think.

 

Here's something else weird:

My husband just got back late last night from a guys' ski trip. He told me that they didn't do anything except ski. But, his clothes smell like smoke. My husband does not smoke. There is one picture of him on Facebook of him and 2 guys at a bar. I called the place just now, and they do not have a bar, and their restaurant is closed for the season. Also, when I called the hotel my husband was staying at a couple days ago to talk to him (because he supposedly didn't have cell service, but I can see from the cell phone bill that he was texting other people the whole time he was away), the receptionist couldn't transfer me to his room because she didn't have a reservation under the name the reservation was supposed to have been made under, nor was it under the names of any of the guys that were supposed to have gone on this trip, or the names of their wives.

 

I just made another call, and apparently there's no smoking anywhere in the entire county.

Edited March 6, 2013 by effie

[giantfan]

Go with your gut feeling. My gut feeling was that my wife was having an affair. She lied and made excuses for everything. She made me feel like I was crazy. She started with a Facebook account to which I was able to have her password. She never had a problem with me using her account and stated she had nothing to hide. Within 1 month of using FB she had everything and more to hide. An affair that lasted almost 1 year. I will never ever doubt my gut feeling again. People on LS gave me advice that I should have used to catch her earlier in the affair, but I was torn because I had always trusted her. You can search my posts. BTW we are still together married 20 yrs. Affair was 3 yrs ago.

[Furious]

He very rarely talks on the phone though, and I recognize every number on the cell phone bill that he calls or that calls him. Even when he and I were dating he was a texter, not a caller. If he is doing something he's not supposed to, I would find out about it through emails or text messages I think.

 

Here's something else weird:

My husband just got back late last night from a guys' ski trip. He told me that they didn't do anything except ski. But, his clothes smell like smoke. My husband does not smoke. There is one picture of him on Facebook of him and 2 guys at a bar. I called the place just now, and they do not have a bar, and their restaurant is closed for the season. Also, when I called the

hotel my husband was staying at a couple days ago to talk to him (because he supposedly didn't have cell service, but I can see from the cell phone bill that he was texting other people the whole time he was away), the receptionist

couldn't transfer me to his room because she didn't have a reservation under the name the reservation was supposed to have been made under, nor was it under the names of any of the guys that were supposed to have

gone on this trip, or the names of their wives.

 

 

 

I don't think you gut is whispering to you, your gut is shouting to you.

 

 

Some people get secret cellphones and hide them. Most cheaters chat in their car on the way to work or wherever their going.

 

Another option is a gps tracker, you track his car or maybe his cell and find out he's where he says he is.

 

Also: do not let he know you're on to him, act normal, don't question him, let him relax and think all's ok.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Furious

[effie]

I don't think you gut is whispering to you, your gut is shouting to you.

 

 

Some people get secret cellphones and hide them. Most cheaters chat in their car on the way to work or wherever their going.

 

Another option is a gps tracker, you track his car or maybe his cell and find out he's where he says he is.

 

Also: do not let he know you're on to him, act normal, don't question him, let him relax and think all's ok.

 

My husband is so secretive about his cell phone that I'm sure anything he's doing or saying that he doesn't want me to know about is on that phone.

 

We are also a one car family, for right now - we live in the city, and he works in the city where he can take a train to commute, and I work in the suburbs and need to drive, so I have the car every day. When he went on this "ski trip" I dropped him off at his friend's house so he could get a ride to where they were supposed to be going.

 

I really need an opportunity to look at his cell phone.

[Furious]

My husband is so secretive about his cell phone that I'm sure anything he's doing or saying that he doesn't want me to know about is on that phone.

 

We are also a one car family, for right now - we live in the city, and he works in the city where he can take a train to commute, and I work in the suburbs and need to drive, so I have the car every day. When he went on this "ski trip" I dropped him off at his friend's house so he could get a ride to where they were supposed to be going.

 

Effie

 

I hired a PI, if you can afford it, it's worth every penny.

 

If you do hire a PI, arrange it that you're husband is followed on his next trip.

[effie]

Effie

 

I hired a PI, if you can afford it, it's worth every penny.

 

If you do hire a PI, arrange it that you're husband is followed on his next trip.

 

How did you find a PI? Any tips? I don't know anyone who has every hired one, so I can't use referrals or anything. Also, is it really expensive?

 

Thinking again about a second cell phone, I woke up last night when my husband got home, and I remember that I made a mental note to check the cell phone bill in the morning to see who he was talking to when he got home. He was definitely talking to someone, and I'm 90% sure it was on the phone - it wouldn't make sense for anyone dropping him off to park the car and come to the door with him, and when I woke up I definitely had the impression that he was on the phone and not that there was a second person in the house. But when I checked it this morning he hadn't made or received any calls last night.

[Furious]

How did you find a PI? Any tips? I don't know anyone who has every hired one, so I can't use referrals or anything. Also, is it really expensive?

 

Thinking again about a second cell phone, I woke up last night when my husband got home, and I remember that I made a mental note to check the cell phone bill in the morning to see who he was talking to when he got home. He was definitely talking to someone, and I'm 90% sure it was on the phone - it wouldn't make sense for anyone dropping him off to park the car and come to the door with him, and when I woke up I definitely had the impression that he was on the phone and not that there was a second person in the house. But when I checked it this morning he hadn't made or received any calls last night.

 

 

 

 

 

It's very common or cheaters to get a secret affair phone, usually a phone exactly like the one they already have.

 

 

I googled PI firms in my city and spoke with a few of them. I hired a firm that had been around a long time and was very reputable.

 

 

The PI i hired tracked my husband in our city but also sub-contracted another PI in the city my husband travelled to for business. Bingo, in the other city, got pictures of him with other other woman and also her identity from her license plate.

 

The investigation only took a few days because it was planned during the time if my husband's business trip. Within a few days had solid proof. It cost a couple if grand but the best money I ever spent.

[Lisa Ann]

I had that feeling and there really nothing he was doing out of the way but he would never let me look at his phone and and get jumpy when it ring so I got on the coputer and got in his accout we have and look for a pattern and sure he was hiding a so called female freind there where cules he used to talk about his day with me stopped doing that stopped talking alot to me will he had time to call her 5 times a day and me 0 times a day after 32 years he said he could not tell me because I get mad will I did all the little thing came back that he did say to me at the time that he was talking to her and he was a little cocky but do not confront him because you have no proof get proof first . I did that way he can not turn it around on you and say your crazy mine did tell I showed him boy did he look crazy do not let him know you feel that way he will use it turn it on you dear ... Take care of you . dont strss over this it can make you sick .

[giantfan]

My wife was using a phone card. As long as the card uses an 800 number. the number she was calling wouldn't show up on the bill because you call the toll free number then the person your calling.

[Lisa Ann]

Oh you can get a really good recorder get a good one sony makes a great one you can here alot that hep me to get two one for the car and the house when your out of the house and he is there buy him self that really help me got a lot of info two. Do not let this rule your life I did and it was not very pretty it just about got the best of me be good to you Please P.S I can not spell worth a hoot and my grammer sucks two sorry

[Betrayed&Stayed]

How did you find a PI? Any tips? I don't know anyone who has every hired one, so I can't use referrals or anything. Also, is it really expensive?

 

Thinking again about a second cell phone, I woke up last night when my husband got home, and I remember that I made a mental note to check the cell phone bill in the morning to see who he was talking to when he got home. He was definitely talking to someone, and I'm 90% sure it was on the phone - it wouldn't make sense for anyone dropping him off to park the car and come to the door with him, and when I woke up I definitely had the impression that he was on the phone and not that there was a second person in the house. But when I checked it this morning he hadn't made or received any calls last night.

 

He could be using Skype. Skype-to-Skye is free, and wouldn't show up on any phone records.

 

If he has a Droid phone he could be using the Google Video chat.

[effie]

He could be using Skype. Skype-to-Skye is free, and wouldn't show up on any phone records.

 

If he has a Droid phone he could be using the Google Video chat.

 

He does have the Skype app on his phone, which I always wondered why have it because he claims to not use it, so it seems odd to first search for it, then download it, then actually keep it. He has an iPhone, so he can Facetime (whatever that is) - do you know if that shows up on phone bills?

[96nole]

He does have the Skype app on his phone, which I always wondered why have it because he claims to not use it, so it seems odd to first search for it, then download it, then actually keep it. He has an iPhone, so he can Facetime (whatever that is) - do you know if that shows up on phone bills?

No. Facetime will not show up. It's like Skype but only for Apple devices.

[96nole]

He does have the Skype app on his phone, which I always wondered why have it because he claims to not use it, so it seems odd to first search for it, then download it, then actually keep it. He has an iPhone, so he can Facetime (whatever that is) - do you know if that shows up on phone bills?

Is the iPhone a company phone or a personal phone?

If it's a personal phone, which carrier is it and do you have access to the account to make changes?

[effie]

No. Facetime will not show up. It's like Skype but only for Apple devices.

 

Is there any kind of record kept of Facetime or Skype? If I actually get a chance to look at his phone, should I check these somehow, in addition to texts and possibly emails, if I have enough time to check both?

[effie]

Is the iPhone a company phone or a personal phone?

If it's a personal phone, which carrier is it and do you have access to the account to make changes?

 

It's a personal phone. I assume that I can make changes to the account, but to be honest, the account is hard to navigate; the company (AT&T) makes it really hard to find anything and to navigate the site. I have the log-in info, the account number, my husband's SSN, etc.

[96nole]

It's a personal phone. I assume that I can make changes to the account, but to be honest, the account is hard to navigate; the company (AT&T) makes it really hard to find anything and to navigate the site. I have the log-in info, the account number, my husband's SSN, etc.

Go to a local ATT store. Ask about getting the ATT Family Map. It costs a little each month but you can then GPS track all phones on the plan. You can log in to the familymap website and see where any phone on the plan is currently located. His iPhone will be easy to track.

 

That's how I was able to track my ex-wife.

[effie]

Go to a local ATT store. Ask about getting the ATT Family Map. It costs a little each month but you can then GPS track all phones on the plan. You can log in to the familymap website and see where any phone on the plan is currently located. His iPhone will be easy to track.

 

That's how I was able to track my ex-wife.

Can you tell me more about this? Like, is there some kind of app on the phone that he would notice or anything? If it only costs a tiny bit more a month I don't think my husband will notice the bill, because he doesn't closely monitor those things, but if it's a lot more I think he will notice. I don't want to do anything right now, since I don't have proof, where he would be able to say I'm paranoid, crazy, etc. and would tip him off. The account is in his name, so he might be notified by email or something if I make changes?

[96nole]

Can you tell me more about this? Like, is there some kind of app on the phone that he would notice or anything? If it only costs a tiny bit more a month I don't think my husband will notice the bill, because he doesn't closely monitor those things, but if it's a lot more I think he will notice. I don't want to do anything right now, since I don't have proof, where he would be able to say I'm paranoid, crazy, etc. and would tip him off. The account is in his name, so he might be notified by email or something if I make changes?

I don't remember how much it was. I don't have it anymore. I don't think you have to have anything on the phone for it to be tracked. It's very possible he will be notified if there is a change made to the account.

Talk the people at ATT ask them these questions, they will be able to answer them better than I can.

Is there a reason you can fabricate to justify getting the familymap added to the plan? Is there another phone on the plan you want to keep "track of". The family map is applied to the plan, not an individual phone on the plan. So if there is another phone on the plan you want to "track", by default you will be able to track his.

 

edit:

I just logged into my account online.

Familymap to track up to 5 phones: $14.99

Track up to 2 phones: $9.99

Edited March 6, 2013 by 96nole