Tomahawk Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Hi everyone. So this is my first post ever about relationships. I usually like to believe I have control over my feelings so I never really seek help. Plus, my family can be judgmental so I do not want to involve them. But I finally realize I can use some help. Here is my situation and forgive me for writing so much. First, I dated a girl (gorgeous, soccer player build) from 2002 to about 2006. Super faithful. Slipped once ONLY after i found out she cheated on me. Then i dated a new girl from 10/2006 to 12/2006 (super hot. not a meaningful relationship at all) I met my current gf in college(2006-2008). She was from out of state and i live in the same city as the school. I never wanted a relationship in college but she was always just around and a mutual friend within our social group. She tended to claim me as her territory from the get-go; always placing her bags in my room during parties, and even getting jealous when other girls put their things in there too (just so they are safe). I checked her on that immediately and moved on. As school went by, we got closer. became great friends and lovers. fast forward 2 years and we started dating officially. things were great. we went on vacations, met each others families without hesitation (she met mine bc she was always around and i lived nearby the school. blah blah.) Anyway, back on topic, A few years ago we became pregnant and chose to take the less popular route (mutual decision- not here to be judged- just putting everything on the table here) Fast forward a bit more and we now live together. After two years of living together I felt like the attraction has disappeared. She gained some weight and has been fairly jealous the entire time. But I'm not one that easily gets mad or annoyed so a little jealousy never really bothered me, i just told her to grow up and move on. I am 3 and a half years older. ((SIDE NOTE! Living in the same town as I grew up also triggered jealousy issues with old friends and hookup that we'd run in to. I never made enemies so everyone is still friendly with zero attraction anymore. But my gf HOLDS ONTO MY PAST more than I do!! Which is a pain in my ass bc she brings it up out of nowhere, even though one of my ex's is married and the other one I NEVER see)) So fast forward to last summer. I found myself just kind of being annoyed with everything. She occasionally, when drunk, would get belligerent, and bring up the baby situation, and say she wanted to keep it and it was my decision to not. That doesn't really hurt me, but I made sure to tell her that that is rude to say bc it was a mutual decision at the time and if she blamed me again, I'd end everything. Nevertheless, I was getting annoyed. But Im not sure what exactly I was annoyed with/at... I found myself not wanting to take days off bc I'd have to be home with her. Not her per se but just maybe wanted alone time. She is always asking me, "you love me right?" "you still see me in your future, right". Those questions annoy me a lot. I dont know why. She just seems so insecure. Things were just starting to get to me and I began to feel unhappy with everything. I hated my job, things she did annoyed me, and idk what else. There were times that i felt annoyed and couldn't stand her, and there were times when things were absolutely great. Then I met another girl. My age, beautiful, fit, the works. We hit it off right away and I cheated on my gf. But here is the thing- my gf has been around since college, as just as a friend. So i would always hook up with other girls anyway and she knew about it-Wasn't happy, but too bad- i was single. (I graduated college at 24 years of age). Anyway, I've been used to hooking up with girls when she was 'in the picture'. I just hid it from her to avoid her jealous fits. Problem is, I got good at hiding it and that has carried on into our relationship. I've cheated many times, and she has no idea. I've never felt guilty or anything. So, I met this girl and butterflies started coming like crazy. I hadnt felt that way since I was a kid with a crush on someone. Everything was great. I felt like she opened my world to a new something! So the only thing i could do was break it off with my gf of 4 years-which COMPLETELY caught my gf off guard. She wasn't expecting it AT ALL. And I'm the type of person who never wants to hurt anyone's feelings.. Anyway, she planned to move back to where she was from. But that was gonna take some time, so we had a week or so in 'limbo', still living together. We decided to have as much fun as possible and those two weeks were amazing! It was great to have that pressure of 'having two girls on my mind' off my chest. We just hung out and went out and had a blast. It was truly amazing. But then she left. And from the moment she pulled away, I was in awe... My new girl caught wind of the breakup and wanted to be all over me. I never even called her back. She seemed way to clingy and eager to jump into something with me. And I felt that I just made the biggest mistake ever. I tried to go out and all that and get my mind off things. Everyone I knew said they've never seen me happier now that I was single (my gf and my sister really clashed (like fist fight clashed)). But I don't know if I was happy or if I should've been an actor!! I know I was regretting my decision to break it off. But was I regretting it so soon bc I was truly in Love?? or just comfortable (like super comfortable, we can even both fart around each other and all that stuff that is taboo in new relationships)? This is where things really get F'd up and I proceed to dig myself into a deep, deep hole. So After 3 weeks of thinking i ****ed up and can't live without my gf, I contact my (ex)gf, plead my case and beg for forgiveness. I go to her state, took 2 weeks off of work and moved there to prove myself to her. Spent time with her fam and all that stuff. Talk to her parents, apologize, and tell her and her family my intentions (i was talking to her parents for a few days before too, not just as I was out there) At the end of that two weeks, we packed up her stuff and headed back. Before I left and made my graces with her family, I had 'the talk' with her dad. He approved. Fast forward 2 months. (sorry this is so long- like i said, i never seek help and this is the first time, so there is a lot on my mind- its already helping just typing it out). So we are back home. things are great. The passion I lacked seemed to return during the time i was out there and the first few weeks of being back. But now it seems like it is fading again. My gf has tried and has been succeeding to mend things with my sister and what not. I actually even bought her a ring (her mom knows of this) but obviously I haven't give it to her. She is finally getting her life back on track and getting a job again (which im proud of her for!) And then it happens again. I met another girl (from work) that has just absolutely been rocking my mind. Same butterflies, feelings, super gorgeous, fit, the works...again.. the best way I can describe this girl is that she is CONSUMING my thoughts and I love it. I spend all day in the same office. We flirt, visit each other, cant stop thinking of each other, express our feelings, make out in the elevators, stairwell, and just flirt all day. And we can tell that just by looking at each other that real strong feelings are developing... Is this just lust? I find myself thinking of what could be with this one and so does she! She is 6 years younger than me. We have an attraction that is awesome. We make out, get frisky, and all that. no sex. but we both want it. We've hung out outside of work a few time, but just in busy places. We sit in the car and talk about whatever, school, hobbies, sports, goals in life. We even fell asleep laying on each other in the car. (cant take her home bc my gf lives there, and she lives at home). But we are interested in each other's lives, not just the physical attraction part... Like I said, she is only 23 and is applying to grad school so she may be leaving soon, which I am holding on to as an excuse for her to go and maybe make it easier on me to stay with my gf?? My problem is, why can't i be faithful? Why do I keep falling for other girls? Just as I wrote this I couldn't imagine leaving her again. My thoughts are completely opposing themselves. One second I cant imagine leaving my gf, the other I am finding myself being standoff-ish or looking for reasons for her to leave me so its easy on me?? I am so conflicted. I basically love going to the job I hate bc this girl will be there. I am completely infatuated with this new girl. I dont know why i feel this way... I've looked online for help but nobody's situation comes close to mine....My gf is working out and doing yoga, but idk if its just a physical problem, or what?? I truly have no idea what to think. I pray left and right for strength, but then i feel like I'm being hypocritical.... Can anybody tell me anything?
CarrieT Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 This is easy. You have never been fully and truly alone - relationship hopping since high school means you haven't come to terms about what it is to be YOU and what you have to offer someone. Since the question of the future is bearing down on you with the idea of children and longevity, you see and get attracted to these other women very easily. It is obvious you aren't 100% attached to your girlfriend and the best thing you could do is break up with her and discover yourself before getting involved with anyone else.
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Yes. First of all your post is too long. Secondly, in my personal opinion, you're not programmed to be monogamous. no human being is. We're mammals. Mammals - as a species - do not enjoy monogamy as a natural trait. We're CONDITIONED to be monogamous by upbringing, social influence, religious and legal education, morals ethics and societal norms. And for some, that's good, and they adhere to it, and are happy to conform. They remain faithful to their partner/spouse, because it's their inherent belief that it is the right way to be. But even so, they indulge in 'serial Monogamy'. That is, they have a certain number of partners, one after the other. Finally, perhaps, they settle down and marry. And a lot of times, this is where marital infidelity occurs. For others, the natural urge to splurge is far more pronounced. They become commitment-phobes and resist being 'tied down' engage in FWB relationships and enjoy sexual liaisons with various partners because it's the kind of sexual freedom they enjoy. But. And, it's a mega-HUGE BUT: There comes a time when this kind of behaviour is utterly unacceptable. And that's when it involves lying, cheating, subterfuge, secrecy, guilt, anxiety and hiding stuff. And this is what is bad, in your case. You have the 'urge to splurge'. The problem is, you do it with the potential to hurt someone. Badly. It's unkind, unfair, underhand and utterly dishonest. The first person you have to be honest with - is yourself. You love women. You love the chase, the passion and the sexy sensuality. You love your GF - but you're free-spirited and not equipped to be single, or faithful. In short - you're not the monogamous type. But upbringing and social influence has dictated you think 'Monogamy'. You'd be perfect as a Mormon, wouldn't you? See? Horses for courses. Fidelity is something that goes against the grain for you. But you're being ashamedly dishonest and the potential to do a lot of emotional harm, is there. That where this stinks. The question is not "Why are you unfaithful?" The question is - "What are you going to do about it?" 1
arginine Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Can anybody tell me anything? 1) you are immature 2) stop gettin into relationships with women who expect you to be monogamous. it is a scumbag thing to do. if you want to mess around with multiple women, cool. if you hook up with women who believe you are going to stick with them and only them, you deserve all the turmoil you are getting. because you are causig it 3) ask yourself why the first thing you just wrote about every woman is centered on her looks. you will find the answer to your problem right there
camillalev Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 It is f*cked up of you to considering marrying her, seriously altering the course of her life, then continue cheating on her. How would you feel if she did the same to you, How would you feel if she found out? You know it would tear her apart. You want to have your cake and eat it to - someone comfortable to come home to, someone to be infatuated with. You are not meant to be monogamous - at least for now. Get single and sow your wild oats. Settle down when you're ready.
Scarlett5 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Bottom line - you're afraid of being on your own. And you're letting this influence your actions. I think you owe it to your poor unsuspecting girlfriend to end things are let her move on. And you owe it to yourself to have some single time and explore your 'options'. When you get to know yourself a bit more and gain some true independence, you'll feel differently. You want the best of both worlds, but life doesn't work like that unfortunately.
Jedi Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This sounds like something out of a movie. Stop cheating on her with every 'fit' woman you see, she doesn't deserve it.
Recommended Posts