Auguria Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Hello Guys, I need your advices, so hopefully you'll be able to help me out. I have been in a relationship for the past eight months. Up to last night, it has been, despite some difficult times, a relationship full of promises, dedication and love. From the beginning I have made my boundaries clear. I know what I want and I am not afraid of cutting people out of my life if they do not give me the respect that I deserve. I tend to associate love and respect My boyfriend knows that any form of disrespect will most likely result in a break up. Now, I am not talking about misunderstandings, little arguments or such things... I am talking about actions or words that touch my dignity, honor, intellectuality and well-being. So, last night I was clearly shocked when a simple discussion about some comic show lead to a more serious discussion. We had different stances and we still persisted in our respective view points. The reason of my concern is not the discussion per se but rather the fact that my boyfriend repeatedly tried to put me down ( example: " That doesn't make any sense", "You don't know what you're saying" , " You don't know how to explain ", condescending "wows" as if I was some idiot, laughing while I was tried to explain further...). I let him know that his behavior was frustrating me and hung up the phone. My pride and ego were bruised. I felt humiliated and couldn't believe that he disrespected me while I was perfectly respecting him. A few minutes later, he sent me a text apologizing and telling me that he did not mean to insult me, got carried away trying to win the argument, and that he respects my views and intellect. I told him that I could not allow to be disrespected, that I was turned off ( still am) and that I need some time off... he replied that I could take all the time I need because he was turned off by the idea of someone who "cant "allow disrespect" whatever that means". Right now, I am at crossroad: In a relationship I need the comfort to know that regardless of our differences, I will be still treated with high regards just as I will treat my partner. At this point I do not have this feeling anymore and it is a fundamental need for me. I feel betrayed. ... Or am I overreacting? Would you accept the apology and keep the relationship or would you move on ? As of now I am leaning towards option 2. Thanks guys!
veggirl Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 If it was the first instance of this happening, I'd let him know his reactions were rude and not cool and that I won't put up with condescending attitudes again...and then I'd let it go. If its a continuing thing, he keeps acting like that, then you have a problem.
clia Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 So, last night I was clearly shocked when a simple discussion about some comic show lead to a more serious discussion. We had different stances and we still persisted in our respective view points. The reason of my concern is not the discussion per se but rather the fact that my boyfriend repeatedly tried to put me down ( example: " That doesn't make any sense", "You don't know what you're saying" , " You don't know how to explain ", condescending "wows" as if I was some idiot, laughing while I was tried to explain further...). You are the only one here who heard his tone, but this sounds like standard ribbing and smack talk to me. So, I think you are overreacting quite a bit, and seem a bit overly sensitive. It just doesn't seem like disrespect to me. But then again, I'm used to ribbing and smack talk with my family, coworkers, friends, and boyfriend, so I would've just thrown it right back at him. He also apologized very quickly once he realized you were bothered by it, so any hurt to you does not seem intentional. How does he interact with his family and friends? Like this? Maybe the two of you just have incompatible personalities. I personally don't see this as something to end a relationshp over, but if it bothers you that much, you may be best to end things. 3
Els Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Yep, I think you overreacted. Assuming that this is the only instance of such behaviour and it happened after 8 months, I'd wager that he just got carried away a little during the argument and doesn't actually lack respect towards you (two very different issues). Especially as he apologized immediately after, it hardly sounds like dealbreaker material to me. I told him that I could not allow to be disrespected, that I was turned off ( still am) and that I need some time off... he replied that I could take all the time I need because he was turned off by the idea of someone who "cant "allow disrespect" whatever that means". His response here is a little worrisome. Then again, considering the fact that he apologized very nicely after the argument and you still went on to perpetuate it (as opposed to just telling him, "Okay, please don't do it again"), it's quite understandable that he would be miffed, too. Really, if everything else is good in your R, I'd suggest you go see him. What's up with doing everything over the phone/text anyway? Are you two in a LDR? Handle important or relationship-impacting stuff IRL whenever you can! ... Yeah, anyway, go see him and tell him you accept his apology and hope you both can just move forward past this.
Dragonfruit Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) I think he did disrespect you and mock you and try to make you look/feel like an idiot in that way that would quickly get to be a habit if he could get away with it. I do not disagree with people by making them feel as if they are ridiculous fools, do you? It seems to me something someone either tends to do or doesn't tend to do. You were right to set him straight. I do not think his apology was sincere, it quickly morphed into yet more mocking. Just saying "I'm sorry" is another thing people like that do, and then they go on to keep doing it. I would at least give him a few days off so he knows if he does it again, it will be an issue, not something he can breeze out of with an easy "sorry." Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit
Got it Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hello Guys, I need your advices, so hopefully you'll be able to help me out. I have been in a relationship for the past eight months. Up to last night, it has been, despite some difficult times, a relationship full of promises, dedication and love. From the beginning I have made my boundaries clear. I know what I want and I am not afraid of cutting people out of my life if they do not give me the respect that I deserve. I tend to associate love and respect My boyfriend knows that any form of disrespect will most likely result in a break up. Now, I am not talking about misunderstandings, little arguments or such things... I am talking about actions or words that touch my dignity, honor, intellectuality and well-being. So, last night I was clearly shocked when a simple discussion about some comic show lead to a more serious discussion. We had different stances and we still persisted in our respective view points. The reason of my concern is not the discussion per se but rather the fact that my boyfriend repeatedly tried to put me down ( example: " That doesn't make any sense", "You don't know what you're saying" , " You don't know how to explain ", condescending "wows" as if I was some idiot, laughing while I was tried to explain further...). I let him know that his behavior was frustrating me and hung up the phone. My pride and ego were bruised. I felt humiliated and couldn't believe that he disrespected me while I was perfectly respecting him. A few minutes later, he sent me a text apologizing and telling me that he did not mean to insult me, got carried away trying to win the argument, and that he respects my views and intellect. I told him that I could not allow to be disrespected, that I was turned off ( still am) and that I need some time off... he replied that I could take all the time I need because he was turned off by the idea of someone who "cant "allow disrespect" whatever that means". Right now, I am at crossroad: In a relationship I need the comfort to know that regardless of our differences, I will be still treated with high regards just as I will treat my partner. At this point I do not have this feeling anymore and it is a fundamental need for me. I feel betrayed. ... Or am I overreacting? Would you accept the apology and keep the relationship or would you move on ? As of now I am leaning towards option 2. Thanks guys! What I have learned is some people do not learn how to debate correctly. They are taught that it requires bring the other party personally into it as they cannot stick to the facts. I also have found, and read a few articles on it, that men in general are not able to articulate their thoughts and feelings as well and will turn into personal attacks. It is not excusable though. You can use this as an opportunity to bring this to his attention and see if he is willing to learn a new process/way. I think if you use such a hard line you will always be disappointed with people as they aren't perfect and they will cross the line at times. Again, not excusable but a certain margin of error is advisable. Romantic relationships are hard and you will both disappoint each other at times and I promise, you will disrespect him at times as well. It is when you see a pattern of it is when you know you are dealing with a very large issue. If it is a one off, use it as an opportunity to educate/learn. 2
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