Biddy Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband has had an affair for the past 5 years. He claims the sexual relationship last 9 months 2009-2010 but they remained friends and he was moving away from her but never wanted me to find out. We were having lots of problems 5 years ago and I was filing for divorce but then my husband was diagnosed with MS and I decided to stay. He lost his job 15 months ago so he is in a really bad place and has been suffering so he says. He is begging me for another chance to be the man I married 15 years ago but I don't know who that man is?? I am in this vortex of utter sadness, depression and immense anger. I have three young children so my choices effect them as well. I'm tired of people throwing the kids in my face, he didn'y think about the kids?? Can our marriage survive this? How can I start the healing process? Please no negative comments, has someone gone thru this and there marriage became stronger from this devastating experience. My husband is very remorseful and has apologized to my family and my best friend. I love him but not sure I can get over the humiliation and betrayl?? My husband was a good man, can he change??
Spark1111 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Yes, your Husband can change. The harder question is if you can too in that you will experience sadness, anger, shock, denial, resentment, bargaining, acceptance and forgiveness. He needs to support you in all of those crazy emotions. He needs to keep apologizing. He needs to answer all your questions truthfully the FIRST time asked. Together you need to read together to understand why it happened. The more you read of affairs, the more you realize it has often nothing to do with you and more to do with what is scared and insecure within the cheater. Please go to IC and in time, MC. Remember you have the right to NOT DECIDE anything about your marriage and your future until you get to a better place. 4
Cali408 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Boot him. He's not a good man. You were going to divorce him 5 years ago and he had an affair for 5 years. He's sick, so what, after what he did to you, do you really want to take care of him? Dump him, take your three kids and start anew.
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband has had an affair for the past 5 years. HOW did you find out? Did he confess? Was the affair already over when you found out? had contact with the OW already ceased? This matters..... 1
Furious Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband has had an affair for the past 5 years. He claims the sexual relationship last 9 months 2009-2010 but they remained friends and he was moving away from her but never wanted me to find out. We were having lots of problems 5 years ago and I was filing for divorce but then my husband was diagnosed with MS and I decided to stay. He lost his job 15 months ago so he is in a really bad place and has been suffering so he says. He is begging me for another chance to be the man I married 15 years ago but I don't know who that man is?? I am in this vortex of utter sadness, depression and immense anger. I have three young children so my choices effect them as well. I'm tired of people throwing the kids in my face, he didn'y think about the kids?? Can our marriage survive this? How can I start the healing process? Please no negative comments, has someone gone thru this and there marriage became stronger from this devastating experience. My husband is very remorseful and has apologized to my family and my best friend. I love him but not sure I can get over the humiliation and betrayl?? My husband was a good man, can he change?? So sorry for what you're going through, it's been 4 weeks since you found out and you're still in shock. I can barely remember the first few months after I found out, those early days are the toughest, it's like a blur because I couldn't sleep and was running on adrenalin and then would nearly collaspe from exhaustion. My mind was all over the map, it was a nightmare and I couldn't believe this was my life and nothing made sense to me and my life felt like it was a giant puzzle and the pieces of it were scattered all around me. I think the best thing you can do right now is get individual counseling for yourself and give yourself some time to let the shock wear off. It takes years to reconcile and it's long hard road. You don't have to decide any time soon as to whether or not you need to work it out or eventually divorce. I'm just over a year and a half from d-day, and it's been a roller coaster of emotions, we're working it out, I take it one day at a time, and that's what works for us so far. Right now you need the truth from your husband because every lie you discover later will bring you back to zero. Your husband needs to understand that minimizing and omitting details you need to know are just as bad as outright lies. Stay strong and care for yourself as much as possible. 1
NotCamelot Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 From my point of view as both a BS and a WS......... Don't make a snap decision.....coming here for advice is good ( it was for me ). You will hear lots of good advice and some bad. Take it all in. I am sure you feel sorry for someone you love to come down with a terrible disease. Don't let that cloud your thinking. He needs you, that's for sure. But you needed him for 5 years past as well. You DO have to think of your children. They matter. And they are more aware than you may think. What you do will affect them. Do you still love him? If so, do you love him enough to leave this behind and build a new future? You won't forget what happened.....ever. But can you live with it? Yes, tell us, how did you find out. Is his OW (other woman) married? If so, you need to tell her husband about this. Believe me, that will do you good as well. There is no fast track to recovery. It will take time and it is different for all of us. You will never forget. But you CAN be happy if he does the right things. He must be 100% No Contact with her. Totally truthful with you. Totally honest with you. And there must be total transparency as well......nothing hidden: cell phones, computers, emails, texts, etc. You should have access to anything and everything....as should he. And, counseling both individual and together. Works for a lot of people. You both should at least try. And the thing that helped me the most......STAY BUSY with things for you and for both of you. Idle time was/is the worst thing. If I am not busy, my mind will still drift to the worst Hell I have ever been through. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Hold on. It will be a long ride. It does get better. You will feel good again. 2
Author Biddy Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I found a message on his face book acct and then he confessed everything. He has not had sex with her since 2010 but remained in contact with her (meeting for cofee, lunch etc) he claims he was moving away from her and talking less and less and that was the message I found that he wasn't calling her back.
Author Biddy Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 The other woman is married and her husband found out about it 5 years ago so the sexual relationship stopped but they still talked and met for cofee and lunch sometimes. He claims he just didn't want me to find out and kept her as a "friend" so I would not find out. We have started counseling (we have our second appt tonight), he is willing to do anything but I just don't know if I could ever get over the lies. My father is cheater always has been and it disgusts me!! He knew this I always said cheating is a deal breaker for me.... I do love him but just feel like I will never get past it
Furious Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 The other woman is married and her husband found out about it 5 years ago so the sexual relationship stopped but they still talked and met for cofee and lunch sometimes. He claims he just didn't want me to find out and kept her as a "friend" so I would not find out. We have started counseling (we have our second appt tonight), he is willing to do anything but I just don't know if I could ever get over the lies. My father is cheater always has been and it disgusts me!! He knew this I always said cheating is a deal breaker for me.... I do love him but just feel like I will never get past it How do you know the other woman's husband found out the affair 5 years ago, did you speak to him personally or is this what your husband has told you.
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 HOW did you find out? Did he confess? Was the affair already over when you found out? had contact with the OW already ceased? This matters..... Originally Posted by Biddy I found a message on his face book acct and then he confessed everything. He has not had sex with her since 2010 but remained in contact with her (meeting for cofee, lunch etc) he claims he was moving away from her and talking less and less and that was the message I found that he wasn't calling her back. See, here's the thing: Had it been for that message, you may never have known this was going on. He would never have come clean, confessed and admitte to you that this went on. He had to face up to it - because he got found out. And you only have his word about the current situation, and the result at her end of things. And they should never have maintained a 'friendship' Forget the sexual affair, for a second - What the hell was he doing seeking female companionship without his wife knowing? HIS WIFE is his first, greatest - and most important companion! Regardless! I honestly don't know if you're going to be able to fix this. You both have to be willing, ready and able. And you may hate me for saying this - but something within your marriage, triggered his seeking elsewhere. Don't get me wrong: He is totally, singularly and entirely to blame for the affair and subsequent closeness to this woman. That is a given. He has a lot to do before that becomes remediable. But you both bear a responsibility for the care and maintenance of the marriage - irrespective of his condition. There is a commitment on both sides to create a relationship, maintain it, nurture it and enable it to grow strongly. Somewhere along the line, you both took your eye off the ball. Something slid, either into indifference or apathy. And that's ok, it happens. but it needs exposing and working on, too. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 The other woman is married and her husband found out about it 5 years ago so the sexual relationship stopped but they still talked and met for cofee and lunch sometimes. He claims he just didn't want me to find out and kept her as a "friend" so I would not find out. We have started counseling (we have our second appt tonight), he is willing to do anything but I just don't know if I could ever get over the lies. My father is cheater always has been and it disgusts me!! He knew this I always said cheating is a deal breaker for me.... I do love him but just feel like I will never get past it Would you have wanted her husband to tell you 5 years ago? This way you could have decided back then instead of wasting another 5 years with him. Anyway, no decision has to be made right now, but I believe there's A LOT more that was still going on. IF he is telling the truth, that it just became an emotional affair, he still had an affair even if the sex stopped. He still saw and spent time with another woman, bonded with her, still had contact which fed his feelings and the intensity of it all. HE HAS to cut her out of his life now forever. I suggest you go talk to the other betrayed spouse, compare notes. 5
NotCamelot Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 One more very important thing, IF you decide to separate from him, talk to an attorney BEFORE you tell him anything. 2
Kali-Persad Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I get the idea that you want to save your family. Here’s something to consider. 1. Anything is possible if you’re both willing to make it happen. 2. What is the true reason why you want to save your family? - - Do you really want to have and protect your family? (If yes, then why did you want divorce before?) - - Is it social pressure from your family? - - Is it guilt about the MS? - - Is it something else? 3. Can you get over the humiliation? If not, then what can he do to make up for the humiliating situation he created? 4. Are you ready to start trusting him again? If not, then trust need to be developed between you and him. 5. Work on developing the communication between you and him. Create a safe environment for both of you to open up and honestly communicate with each other. It must be a two way street. If you’re having trouble doing this verbally, then you can try emailing each other. If you can’t do anything else, this is the one thing to work on. This is a start. It can help you heal and deal with the situation more rationally. 4
seren Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Hi Biddy, I think most of us have thought that an A was a deal breaker and couldn't ever imagine it either happening to us and if it did, staying, let alone trusting and loving the WS again. Many of us said the, it will never happen to us, our marriage is too good and then it does and we are blindsided. It takes a long time to get your (general) head around that and sometimes you never will fully understand why and sometimes trust takes forever to regain. But there are many of us who have trod that path and it is a dammed hard journey, takes a lot of talking, listening, discovering and looking at what was broken in either the marriage, you, he, both that saw the WS take those first steps outside your marriage. My H blames himself, I blame us both, for very different reasons, but I can see where our marriage took a wrong turn before the A and we have addressed what we each needed to do to change - maybe for you it will be different, but change is the key, IMHO, to successful reconciliation. Your marriage will never be what it was, but reconciliation is possible. I remember feeling so lost after D Day, wondering how I had missed signs there was an A taking place, wondering what I had done wrong and thinking I had been living with a different man from H. I also remember thinking I would never feel happy again and that I and we had lost such a great relationship and marriage and maybe it is still too early for you to know if you can and want to reconcile. NC is the first thing, truth, all of it is another, no trickle truth, no witholding things to not hurt you (as if anything could hurt more than an A) and for you to be able to honestly speak about how you feel. There is such good advice on LS and whether you decide to stay or leave, there will be someone to give you support or advice. I would caution about reading on the other site on the infidelity forum just yet as your hurt is so raw. Some posts trigger and some posters can be unthinking on both sites and some discussions are more hypothetical than real and can hurt, especially right now. I hope MC works out. I am over 5 years on from D Day and H and I are very happy - never thought I would say that 4 months from D Day. Take care x 2
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Biddy, I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma. You ask if you can get over this? I have no answer to that question, but do offer this. There is nothing that the two of you can't overcome, IF, both of you work to fix. However, whether you can put this behind you is a question only you can answer. My advice would be that you don't have to answer this question today. I would allow the counselor to explore your relationship, you to explore your feelings and your husband time to prove his mettle. If you find that you can not live with him just now, then you may need to consider a constructive separation. This is a separation designed to help you achieve clarity and rebuild the relationship. I think that you two have a decent shot, but you need to be very blunt with him on your boundaries and any violations of this will result in immediate divorce.
NotCamelot Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 It hurts. Many of us here who have been through other tragedies in our lives (death of loved ones, rape, physical abuse, etc.) say that infidelity is the absolute worst thing that's ever happened in our lives. . This is very true. I have lost a father when I was 17. I lost a daughter when she was on 4. They say that nothing is worse than losing a child. The people who say that have never found their spouse cheating on them. Being betrayed by the one person you thought would never hurt you is much worse......by a long shot. But you will recover, with him or without him. The choice is yours.
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