Enabling the AP to have a better marriage by having an affair with them?

[ComingInHot]

My H's A and his exOW had the opposite affect on his happiness in our M.

He was short tempered.

More apt to blow up (than normal) about nothing.

Picked apart my shortcomings (like I have any HA! )

Looked for a reason to have an argument.

He spent almost ZERO time w/our very young children (impacts our son to this day)

He didn't speak to his own mother or other family members.

He was more unhappy then anyone had ever seen him.

 

After he secretly dumped her, things improved. But nothing got better until I knew the truth.

Only then, when he was honest about what he had done and how he treated me and our children and when he was honest w/his family did our M continue to improve.

I mean in order to R, the couple has to BOTH know they are Reconciling and why they are reconciling*

[LFH]

I kind of joked about it earlier (although the housekeeper has made a world of difference in his home!) and I do not live there, but I do know that after our affair began he began spending more time with his children than he did before because we talked about it. I told him from the beginning that I wouldn't take time from his kids and he told me the things they did together. I was faintly appalled at how disconnected everyone in that house was from one another. One of the things we talked about early on was how much he hated them parked in front of the tv all day after school with no activities. Brainstorming came up with some great new hobbies for them to look into and activities that he began doing with them. Geocaching, 5k's, library time, rock climbing (no thank you!!!) and caving (again, I'll pass!) have been some of the activities they've started doing together. It's been good for him and them I assume.

I can't say it's been good for their marriage, because how could an affair BENEFIT the marriage itself? I do know that in many ways it has been good for him. It's made him stronger in his choices and convictions, he feels supported and he actually is more inclined to do things around the he wants to, projects and such. He's motivated, at home, at work and in outside interests. He tells me he's happier than he's ever been in his life.

It has enabled him to stay exactly where he is, therefore fullfilling her previously expressed desires of his paycheck not going away and her lifestyle not changing.

If I was looking for him to leave, it would break my heart I'm sure, I certainly get a pang sometimes when I realize that because he's with me, he isn't being forced to take any actions in regards to his marriage, and therefore will continue to live his status quo. That makes me sad for him, because I can't ensure that he will always be happy and I wish he'd take responsibility for his own happiness. In that respect, if I'm going to be truly honest, I kind of wish that since he did have an affair it would have been with someone who DID want more from him and demanded it of him. Of course, I'm glad he's with me... but long term I think someone that made him pick her full time probably would have been better for him.

[beenburned]

My experiences as a BW match those of CIH's exactly!!! My H became an alien that me or the kids did not know at all.

 

On d-day, it was such a relief to know it wasn't my fault and I wasn't imagining things!(but very bittersweet)

 

None of my H's brief flings had anything to do with loving the OW. They were all basically FBs/FWB.

 

Since he was going against everything he believed in, he fell apart and almost had a mental breakdown. He looked like death warmed over and aged almost overnight. I was worried sick because I thought he might have cancer or started doing drugs. (Boy did I feel stupid and naive when I found out the truth)

 

After reading for years on many different boards, the majority of BWs experience this drastic change in their WS. Now since the WS is delusional in his thinking during this time period, it is entirely possible that he believes he is faking it real good at home! (NOT)

[William]

Moderation stopping by with a reminder on the topic:

 

His W used to always stress him out. But as our EA/PA continued (mostly EA), his marriage seemed to magically start going well. And then whenever we didn't talk for a while, things weren't so great. I'm at the point where I'm not going to be his 'marriage therapy medicine' any longer, and I'm not going to apply the same concept in my M either.

 

Has anyone else noticed this with your AP, or within your own relationship/marriage?

 

Hence, discussion of the thread starter's personal situation, relevant to the topic of 'Enabling the AP to have a better marriage by having an affair with them', as well as respondent's anecdotes about their own experiences if in an affair as an AP are topical. If married/partnered to an AP, those responses are topical if confined to their own situation and impressions.

 

Moderation is seeing a general tone of argumentativeness rather than discussion and more and more violations of our civility and respect guidelines in these forums, hence members will be seeing our appearance more and will be feeling the consequences of their choices more, with regards to posting on our forums.

[veryhappy]

This topic comes up from time to time, with the same arguments on both sides.

 

In my case, I think there's was a little bit of both. ExMM found his happy place with me in his life. He's always seen me as an AP for life. Well, I didn't share the view. To him personally if he could have it all, everything was great. If it hadn't been for my pressure to move things forward, he was absolutely content and able to enjoy his family time. It was one of the things that drove me crazy - his ability to seemingly push a switch and enjoy his home life as if I didn't exist.

 

Then things got messy. He got short tempered at home. I believe that it wasn't just justifying the A, some of it was finally having a reaction to issues where he'd usually not make waves, and find a different unhealthy outlet for his feelings. She was shocked because she's used to the people pleaser guy who wouldn't dare go against her.

 

As far as the A taking away the emotional and physical energy of the WS...that's such bs and it's been also discussed so many times. In a marriage where there was little emotional and physical connection there's little to take away.

Edited March 7, 2013 by cutedragon

[beenburned]

cutedragon,

 

If you have a pie and give away slices to other people before coming home, there is no way to give your family the whole pie. It is always a subtraction of time, energy, money, attention, and love.

 

And the WS who feels like his family is not suffering because of his cheating is either delusional or outright lying!( both to himself and others)

[LFH]

As far as the A taking away the emotional and physical energy of the WS...that's such bs and it's been also discussed so many times. In a marriage where there was little emotional and physical connection there's little to take away.

 

cutedragon,

 

If you have a pie and give away slices to other people before coming home, there is no way to give your family the whole pie. It is always a subtraction of time, energy, money, attention, and love.

 

In regards to this part of the topic... sometimes it isn't about taking something away, it's about utilization.

To use your analogy...

If you consistently bring home a whole pie, which is then left on the kitchen table to rot before being tossed into the trash I assume one would eventually see the pointlessness of bringing home a whole pie. If you then decide to hand out slices to someone else before bringing the rest home, and the remainder still left to rot on the table what happens?

Half of the pie was still wasted, but at less was thrown away. If someone wanted the pie, and you were going to toss it anyway, it hasn't really been taken away.

[psm04]

Ah, I see now. Yes, that would be really hard to deal with all the time.

 

And yeah, the sharing and needs thing. You CAN'T get every single thing from one person. You just can't. This is why we're supposed to be well rounded individuals with varying levels of friendships, family, colleagues AND one romantic partner. But what if you need more than that? What if you need several romantic partner roles to fulfill you? This I think is me...

 

I have wondered about this with myself too, but I guess I'm not ready to admit that :-)

[psm04]

This topic comes up from time to time, with the same arguments on both sides.

 

ExMM found his happy place with me in his life. He's always seen me as an AP for life. Well, I didn't share the view. To him personally if he could have it all, everything was great. If it hadn't been for my pressure to move things forward, he was absolutely content and able to enjoy his family time. It was one of the things that drove me crazy - his ability to seemingly push a switch and enjoy his home life as if I didn't exist.

.

 

Exactly, and I haven't been able to do that in my M to the extent that I have seen him do. I feel more and more that he wants me as an AP for life, while still staying in his M. Well, you know what, my feelings are to the point to where it's just tiring to do that. If he said anything about wanting to be in a R with me (and not talking in fantasy mode, which he does all the time), I'd sit down and really think about my M, and what it would mean to leave my H and start with my OMM. But, he'll never do that, so I'm not going to be his permanent AP.

[skylarblue]

In addressing "helped" in both contexts:

 

Did I help xMM's M in the context that the thread is meant? No. I don't believe xMM started an A because he was unhappy or unfulfilled within the M. He wasn't looking for a filler or band-aid or compensation in some way. He wasn't contemplating leaving his M at any time. So, helping his M via the A providing in areas he thought were missing,making it more tolerable or enabling him to stay, wasn't applicable as it wasn't even something he was seeking.

 

Did the A help his M in any kind of literal way? No. It was detrimental both during and after the fact. The A impacted things in a negative way: his attitude and behavior towards her, their sex life, his time with his family, her trust, her psyche. The only help the A provided was in helping to tear down the confidence the W had in herself, her M, and her H (even a year+ after the A ended, she is still dealing with the same issues of suspicions (both imagery and real) and trust as when the A was happening ) and in the helping of xMM to have (as he said) the best of both worlds.

 

I think a M can receive benefits as a byproduct of MM's happiness (sometimes guilt) from an A, but those benefits are normally superficial, sporadic, and/or not long-lasting. If anything, not coming from a genuine or an appropriate/acceptable source.

 

*Added 2¢ BSs (speaking generally) have used terms like "The A helped" or "had a positive impact on their M" explaining it helped in discovering and working on problems that existed and the opening of positive channels (communication always one of many facets) better than or never like before. I don't think people have pulled the word "helped" so out of context or hammered the intentions in the same manner (just saying).

Edited March 7, 2013 by skylarblue

[spice4life]

I've kinda stayed away from this thread because it's something I thought about many times. To be honest, if I knew I was a "fix" for the marriage I would have been seriously ticked off. I don't think that was the case in my situation, at least I hope not! An affair is bad enough without adding in the fact that someone would think it's okay. That's a harsh thought. If the person was taking charge of their own happiness, working hard on themself and making plans to leave that's one thing...it would be easy to understand. But simply bringing in another person to make their marriage tolerable is totally different.

[Spark1111]

I have heard as AP in lieu of therapist.

 

If your AP goes on and on about their spouse...then their family, the boss andthe world at large....be wary.

 

he may be in need of therapy but you, the AP, is the surrogate.

 

Does itmakehislife better? No,because you are not a trained professional but you are listening non-judgement ally like a therapist would.

 

Would that make them feel better? Sure, as it would anybody listening to another venting.

 

But would it help improve their relationships? no, not unless he gained the coping skills to improve the relationships.

 

yep, a short-term bandaid but no cure.

[stevie_23]

I find that absolutely terrible that a married person would use an AP as a therapist of sorts! Not purposefully of course, but I mean...wow. Any "therapy" they'd get from that AP would only be what THEY (the married person) would want, what would suit THEM. Not what's best for their marriage or themselves!

[Furious]

Maybe the affair partner is a form of ego therapy.

 

Some prople are hungry for attention and too much attention is never enough.

 

How many men would high five each other for having two or more women.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Furious

[2sure]

Each MM I was Involved with confided to me that having an affair made him a much happier guy and that it improved him in general. At home, at work, probably his golf game too. Made perfect sense to me.