kingme34 Posted September 5, 2004 Posted September 5, 2004 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. For the last year, we have been long distance. I live in West Virginia and she lives 5 1/2 hours away in Charlotte. Last night, when I was finishing with work, she called me. She was a little drunk and seemed to be in a good mood. When we were wrapping up the conversation, she told me that she wanted to tell me something. She drug it out saying, it isn't bad, you shouldn't get mad, you shouldn't care. Then she told me, "I did something with a girl". After another 5 or so minutes of her saying, "I don't want to tell you what it was because I don't want to say it", she finally tells me that she kissed her and that there was light touching above and below the waste from both parties. They were in private at this girl's house. This had happened over a week prior. She expected me to just be ok with this. She thought it was casual conversation. She then told me that she couldn't believe that I was upset and that every other guy would be happy about it. I am sorry but this is cheating in my book. I don't feel that it matters what sex the other person is, it is still a third party being introduced into a monogamous relationship. On top of that, the other girl is married. And my girlfriend tells me that the husband didn't care when he found out. That leads me to believe that he sees himself being involved on some level in the future. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to show her how I feel. I feel betrayed and I feel that a huge trust barrier has been broken. Without trust in a long distance relationship, what do you have left?
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Your girlfriend defiantly has cheated (in my book). It does not matter if it was a male or female. It was not right, and I think that you should defiantly not leave this issue alone. By her doing something with another girl, could mean that she has done things with other people before and could possibly mean that she is likely to do something like this again. This girl sounds like trouble, no respect for you, from what I hear.[color=darkred][/color]
Papillon Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Well, this again goes to show how people's perspectives differ. I would personally be very turned on if my gal admitted geting jiggy with another gal...from my point of view it's pure kinkyness, and obviously there is little chance of an emotional relationship developing. The simple fact that she chose to tell you about it, thinking, albeit incrorrectly, that you would react like I would, means that she did not intentionally "cheat". It's not "cheating". She did not hide it from you or do it in an underhanded way. Do you think she would have done it with another guy, considering how you would have felt about that? Maybe I'm just being naive, but I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 But I believe that If she did let you know about this circumstance, she did not find it to be a big deal, therefore, she did not take you into consideration. I do not understand how watching two women have sex or etc. with each is fun to know about or watch, esspecially if the other girl does have her boyfriend involved. Nothing is right about infadility, and by giving her the benfit of the doubt would allow her to walk all over you. Stand up for what you think is right, you should draw the line somewhere, preferably when she is having sex or oral sex, etc. outside you two(s) relationship. Papillon, is like all the guys that most women try to avoid, it doesnt sound like he is good news.
beautiful Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 It is cheating! You absolutely right, without trust you have nothing. This is not about her , it is about you and what you want. If you continue this relationship then you giving her the message that it is ok to cheat. If you decide to stay in this relationship, there is much to be done on your part. God Bless
Papillon Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Originally posted by Laura_soontobemarred Papillon, is like all the guys that most women try to avoid, it doesnt sound like he is good news. Ah, that's nice Now, if I were the kind of person you THINK I am, I would climb into your personality in retaliation. Luckily I have more self-respect than that, and I realise that what some arbitrary dips*** on the internet thinks, is totally irrelevant.
overseas2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Sh** Pap Its not true that there is no chance of an emotional relationship starting. My step dad got divorced from his first wife because after 20 years of marriage she ended up cheating with and falling in love with a woman. You cant be saying things like that with confidence dude, when you don't know his girlfriend. And if he feels upset by it then he has a right to. I would be upset too.
rogueless Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 You think it was cheating. I agree with you. However she does not. I think you will have problems with her kind of "not" cheating in the future. I would break it off.
Papillon Posted September 6, 2004 Posted September 6, 2004 Originally posted by overseas2004 Sh** Pap Its not true that there is no chance of an emotional relationship starting. My step dad got divorced from his first wife because after 20 years of marriage she ended up cheating with and falling in love with a woman. You cant be saying things like that with confidence dude, when you don't know his girlfriend. And if he feels upset by it then he has a right to. I would be upset too. I didn't say there was NO chance...I said there was LITTLE chance. Damn, if my girlfriend decides that she prefers women, who the f*** am I to demand "my rights"?!? Jesus. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. People have to start putting away their sense of entitlement. I'm sorry that this kind of thing caused heartbreak for your family, but **** happens. Would the heartbreak have been less if it had been a man? The point is, the fact that his gf messed around with a girl paints a completely different picture than if it had been a man. People here are saying "cheating is cheating", and that's total black-and-white bull****. I at least advocate giving her the benefit of the doubt, whereas everyone else is saying dump her. Newsflash: If he dumps her then he's going to be without her anyway, at least if he gives her a chance to explain herself and realise that what she did was not to his liking, then the relationship can be saved. Everyone needs to get off their goddamn moral high horse.
kingme34 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 We are currently not talking. She said at first that she didn't want to try to do this anymore because she couldn't handle me overreacting like this on something that she doesn't see as a big deal. I love this girl more than anything, she is my world. It is unlike her to do something like this without discussing it with me. I feel like she is in a wreckless state of mind right now because of all of the pressure she is under with school and with the fighting that has been going on between us. I want to save the relationship because she is one of a kind and has my whole heart. However, it is very important to me that she have respect for my feelings as well. It is so tough to be in a position where I really want to push my point of view on her while backpeddling to give her the time and space that she needs. She doesn't want to hear from me for a whole week to get her head on straight. I am driving myself crazy on what to do.
BurningBright Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 My current boyfriend told me that if I ever decided to fool around with a female, he's fine with it (as long as I told him about it later ), and that in his books it's not cheating, since he gets turned on by the idea of two females. Although, in my books I would feel guilty. I would think that I had cheated, even though he has told me he wouldn't consider it that. I think this is where men and women differ a lot. I'm sure if a female was turned on by the idea of two men together, and her SO went out and fooled around with another man, even though she maybe turned on by the thought, she would most likely still consider it cheating. Some men, however; are probably more accepting of their fantasies, and the thought of their partner experiencing this in real life would just make their fantasy seem even more like a reality, and therefore an even larger turn on. ~BurningBright
Papillon Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Originally posted by BurningBright My current boyfriend told me that if I ever decided to fool around with a female, he's fine with it (as long as I told him about it later ), and that in his books it's not cheating, since he gets turned on by the idea of two females. Although, in my books I would feel guilty. I would think that I had cheated, even though he has told me he wouldn't consider it that. I think this is where men and women differ a lot. I'm sure if a female was turned on by the idea of two men together, and her SO went out and fooled around with another man, even though she maybe turned on by the thought, she would most likely still consider it cheating. Some men, however; are probably more accepting of their fantasies, and the thought of their partner experiencing this in real life would just make their fantasy seem even more like a reality, and therefore an even larger turn on. ~BurningBright Bingo!
kingme34 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 I am just wondering if maybe it is something that she did to fulfil the need that she had for intimacy since I am so far away and can't physically be there. If that is the case, then I can say that I would rather it be a female than a male. However, it still seems as though, IMO, when you make a sexual committment to someons, no matter how much you long to have a physical relationship, a third party is a third party. And to me, that is cheating.
moimeme Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 I think this is where men and women differ a lot. I'm sure if a female was turned on by the idea of two men together, and her SO went out and fooled around with another man, even though she maybe turned on by the thought, she would most likely still consider it cheating. Not necessarily. People draw the 'cheating' line different places.
kingme34 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 I am tossing and turning thinking about this. I just want to call her and talk about it so bad. I can't sleep without dreaming about it. I hate this feeling.
kingme34 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 I sent her a text message and told her that we needed to talk. She agreed to call me after her class. Screw waiting a week, I can't beat myself up for that long over something that I am not even sure that I didn't have the right to be upset about.
tanbark813 Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Originally posted by kingme34 I am not even sure that I didn't have the right to be upset about You have every right to be upset about what your gf did. Your gf also has every right to think what she did was okay. Personally, I'm totally on your side on this one. If my gf told me she messed around with another girl, I'd drop her right then and there. Especially, if she tried to turn it around on me and said it's not a big deal and I should be okay with it. I don't think this is about what is cheating and what's not, or what is right or wrong. Some people would consider this cheating, some wouldn't. But one thing that is unquestionably clear is that you and your gf have opposing views on this issue. It doesn't really make either of your right or wrong, it just makes you two incompatible on a certain level. Your only options at this point are to: 1. Find a reasonable compromise 2. End the relationship It sounds like you would prefer #1. If that's the case, then don't feel bad about wanting to talk about it. Don't second-guess yourself or try to hide your own emotions. If it bothers you that your gf did that, then be a man, grab your sack, and speak your mind. If she won't listen or gets all defensive, then f**k her. If the girl is worth your time and really cares about you, she'll listen to what you have to say and work with you to come to a common middle ground. If she gets all defensive and tries to turn everything around on you, then she has no respect for you and you can be sure that she'll continue to walk all over you for the duration of your relationship. You're both entitled to your opinions about this situation, but don't make the mistake of thinking your feelings are invalid just because your gf doesn't happen to agree with them.
BurningBright Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 Not necessarily. People draw the 'cheating' line different places. Oh yes, for sure.. I'm just meaning in a more general scale. Personally, I think women would be more likely to consider it cheating, as compared to men (but of course, there are always the exceptions ... and kingme34 in this case would be one) ~BurningBright
tattoomytoe Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 ask her what she would do if the tables weere turned.
morrigan Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe ask her what she would do if the tables weere turned. My thoughts exactly.
kingme34 Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 That was one of her first arguments...she said that she wouldn't be upset if I did something with a guy. However, that was an easy answer just because of the fact that she knows 100% sure that would never happen.
morrigan Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 Kingme34, if you feel that what your gf did was a betrayal of your relationship, be honest with her. If you really want to stay in a relationship with her, make it clear that you feel she cheated, and that another incident of the same kind would be the end of your relationship. I would be bothered by her blase attitude about what happened. I don't see where it is a difference that she was sexually intimate with a girl, a guy, or had a close encounter with an alien from outerspace--unless she made it clear at the start of your relationship that she was interested in other women and didn't feel being with you should be an impediment to being sexually intimate with someone else, it's cheating.
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