targaryen Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 OK, here's a quick summary. My girlfriend, who I met during University, broke up with me after almost 5 years of a relationship last month. The first week was tough but once NC and activities with friends kicked in I started feeling better. In fact, 90% of the time I don't feel 'bad' about the breakup. When I'm at work, at events, watching a movie....I feel fine. But at the back of my mind SHE is there, at the back of my head, I am constantly questioning, is she thinking about me, at all? And the remaining 10%....oh man. I get up in the morning and take AGES to get out of bed. I am going late to work every day because of this. Sometimes, maybe once a week, I wake up at 2AM and spend 30 minutes crying in the shower, Tobias Funke style. The one thing that I haven't been able to curb was the itch to check her blog, even though she changed its address twice, I was able to trace it...which makes me angry because why should I go into so much effort? I even tried talking aloud to myself - and there is literally no benefit of checking it. While at first I was getting the gratification because she was posting some things that related to the breakup, like sad songs and stuff, now all her posts seem happy and like nothing ever happened. It's like digitally torturing myself mentally, but I can't seem to stop. And it's getting worse. This month I drove by her house once and yesterday I ended up going to a hangout of hers to see if her car was parked there...it was, and I left. I even drove by again later on a couple of hours later and it wasn't there. So what did I achieve? I know I'm a normal guy 90% of the time so why do I act like a crazy obsessed stalker once in a while, even while objectively knowing that there is totally no benefit to me with this behaviour? And I'm afraid I'm starting a backward slide, that these types of activities would increase until I start calling her up and shouting, totally ruining all the effort and progress I made.... I guess the truth is that while my brain tells me it's over forever (I really believe this) deep down I still hope she wants me back, even though there's no objective proof of any of this. So I push myself to find this nonexistent proof, even as I tell myself that I would never get back with her or sleep with her or be her friend...I know that if she approached me, I'm so weak I'd take any communication from her...
Author targaryen Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I guess nobody here likes inadvertent stalkers who hate themselves
thewrongonee Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 OK, here's a quick summary. My girlfriend, who I met during University, broke up with me after almost 5 years of a relationship last month. The first week was tough but once NC and activities with friends kicked in I started feeling better. In fact, 90% of the time I don't feel 'bad' about the breakup. When I'm at work, at events, watching a movie....I feel fine. But at the back of my mind SHE is there, at the back of my head, I am constantly questioning, is she thinking about me, at all? And the remaining 10%....oh man. I get up in the morning and take AGES to get out of bed. I am going late to work every day because of this. Sometimes, maybe once a week, I wake up at 2AM and spend 30 minutes crying in the shower, Tobias Funke style. The one thing that I haven't been able to curb was the itch to check her blog, even though she changed its address twice, I was able to trace it...which makes me angry because why should I go into so much effort? I even tried talking aloud to myself - and there is literally no benefit of checking it. While at first I was getting the gratification because she was posting some things that related to the breakup, like sad songs and stuff, now all her posts seem happy and like nothing ever happened. It's like digitally torturing myself mentally, but I can't seem to stop. And it's getting worse. This month I drove by her house once and yesterday I ended up going to a hangout of hers to see if her car was parked there...it was, and I left. I even drove by again later on a couple of hours later and it wasn't there. So what did I achieve? I know I'm a normal guy 90% of the time so why do I act like a crazy obsessed stalker once in a while, even while objectively knowing that there is totally no benefit to me with this behaviour? And I'm afraid I'm starting a backward slide, that these types of activities would increase until I start calling her up and shouting, totally ruining all the effort and progress I made.... I guess the truth is that while my brain tells me it's over forever (I really believe this) deep down I still hope she wants me back, even though there's no objective proof of any of this. So I push myself to find this nonexistent proof, even as I tell myself that I would never get back with her or sleep with her or be her friend...I know that if she approached me, I'm so weak I'd take any communication from her... It has not been long enough for you to completely get over it yet, you need more time with nc and other activities that will keep you busy. It has been 2 months for me and i go through the same emotions as you, one day im completely fine and the next day im a mess. but however, as the days go by.. it gets a lot easier. just man up and accept the fact that it is over, and i know you have hope that you two will get back, (I do too, with my ex) but don't pause your life for that moment.
Country_Girl Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Well, even though you're still checking up, congrats on at least not reaching out. The next time you think about reading the blog, driving by or whatnot- ask yourself how you will feel afterward. Will you be able to handle the information you receive? A big part of no contact involves faking it till you make it. The breakup is very fresh, we're talking only a month - so of course there's still this feeling of hope. And in terms of the blog, the thing about the online world is, people post things selectively. I mean just look at the wall posts of friends and family- 95% of it is good stuff, because people feel the need to maintain a positive outward appearance, they are in no way shape or form a reflection of what's 'really' going on. So, 'you just do you'. Go out with friends, maybe join a meetup group (poker or some activity that you always wanted to try), do something for yourself, and take care of yourself to redeem some confidence back. And every time you so much as think about checking in- ask yourself how you will feel afterward. More importantly, if she's not checking in with you and doesn't care what you are doing, why should you care what she's doing? You're putting time and energy into someone that isn't worthy of it.
Kefka Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 OK, here's a quick summary. My girlfriend, who I met during University, broke up with me after almost 5 years of a relationship last month. The first week was tough but once NC and activities with friends kicked in I started feeling better. In fact, 90% of the time I don't feel 'bad' about the breakup. When I'm at work, at events, watching a movie....I feel fine. But at the back of my mind SHE is there, at the back of my head, I am constantly questioning, is she thinking about me, at all? And the remaining 10%....oh man. I get up in the morning and take AGES to get out of bed. I am going late to work every day because of this. Sometimes, maybe once a week, I wake up at 2AM and spend 30 minutes crying in the shower, Tobias Funke style. The one thing that I haven't been able to curb was the itch to check her blog, even though she changed its address twice, I was able to trace it...which makes me angry because why should I go into so much effort? I even tried talking aloud to myself - and there is literally no benefit of checking it. While at first I was getting the gratification because she was posting some things that related to the breakup, like sad songs and stuff, now all her posts seem happy and like nothing ever happened. It's like digitally torturing myself mentally, but I can't seem to stop. And it's getting worse. This month I drove by her house once and yesterday I ended up going to a hangout of hers to see if her car was parked there...it was, and I left. I even drove by again later on a couple of hours later and it wasn't there. So what did I achieve? I know I'm a normal guy 90% of the time so why do I act like a crazy obsessed stalker once in a while, even while objectively knowing that there is totally no benefit to me with this behaviour? And I'm afraid I'm starting a backward slide, that these types of activities would increase until I start calling her up and shouting, totally ruining all the effort and progress I made.... I guess the truth is that while my brain tells me it's over forever (I really believe this) deep down I still hope she wants me back, even though there's no objective proof of any of this. So I push myself to find this nonexistent proof, even as I tell myself that I would never get back with her or sleep with her or be her friend...I know that if she approached me, I'm so weak I'd take any communication from her... I have the same kind of feelings, i too dwell on the despair that i could never have her back... But then again sometimes i'm inspired by the hope that maybe there's a change someday i will, i just hope my hopes don't get me more problems than success...
Author targaryen Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Hi all, thank you for your replies and your encouraging words; esepcially about not breaking nc. I'm quite proud of being on my 20th day of NC, considering my past reactions to breakups (to much much shorter relationships) being completely over the top with calls, texts, emails etc.. I have a confession to make, something I'm ashamed of. Early in the day of the breakup, she had texted me that instead of watching a movie that evening she wanted to meet and talk. Obviously since she had been completely withdrawn from me for the previous week, and considering her issues about our being in a 'serious' relationship at her age (22) I was almost sure what was about to happen. I don't know what took over me, but I felt I should record the conversation. So when I met her that evening, I quitly turned on my mobile app and recorded the whole 2 hour conversation that ended it. I'm not sure why I did it at the time. I guess I knew that the shock wouldn't let me accept the reality and was hoping that by listening to the recording once in a while it would help me stay strong; and maintain NC. The thing is it has worked. I listen to the recording maybe once a week when I feel weak and about to contact her because in that conversation she explained her decision and if I'm being honest, breaking up was the only way if she wasn't happy....while I never make it through the whole recording (it's too long and painful), listening to 10 minutes of it at a time a few days apart has kept me strong until now (along with checking her blog) in terms of NC. However I am coming to realise that it hasn't been helping me with the real issue...staying healthy mentally and emotionally. As you just said, NC should be about me...not about NC for its own sake. So in the past two days I've been on the verge of deleting this awful recording forever twice...but haven't been able to do it because I'm scared I'll want to listen to it again and not finding it, I'll end up trying to contact her (even while knowing full well she'll ignore me as in her mind this has been over for a few months longer than it has for me)...I know because I also regret deleting other things (such as photos of us together), because I am now losing those memories.. I keep telling myself 'I'll listen to it one more time and delete it' but will I ever be strong enough to do so and cut off my last real link to those years...my last conversation with her? (PS I know it's shameful to have this recording and I shouldn't have done it, no need to point that out..)
Mint Sauce Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 one day you'll realize you haven't listened to the recording for more than a month or so, and that's when you know you're healing. Don't force it. Same for the obsessive moments. They are normal, don't worry about that. Just keep them in check. See the legal line as the do-not-threspass line. At some point you will have had enough of obsessing over her. You'll feel more like going out on your bike, or whatever it is you like to do. I actually went a bit too far, reading her emails to which I still had access, but at some point I just had enough of reading the lovy-dovy stuff between her and her new bf. Took about 3 or 4 months or so, also after 5 years R. But don't force a time schedule on your healing.
SimonSerenade Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Aw man I feel for you, I've been there, I was with someone for 4 years and had a kid with her and no matter what I told myself there was always an itch to check up on her, I knew it was over for good, I could feel it in my gut but my mind would never let me accept it, checking up on her was horrible, she'd update her Facebook with pictures of her on a night out and constantly bragging about how good her life was, man it was torture because I was just so miserable, I couldn't go out for a drink without crying my way home and crying for many hours more after, it really eats at your soul. There's nothing wrong with you, it's just a phase and it'll pass, some people go through this sort of thing and some don't, personally I did at first, I used to drive to her house and buy her presents and stupid stuff like that, the most hurtful thing was seeing her life without her and how happy she claimed to be, it was like I never existed at all, I was worth nothing, at least that's how it felt anyway. You really need to give yourself a break though, cut yourself some slack, preoccupy your time with other things and tell yourself the pain will be at it's end soon, some girls like to put on a show and never want to let on how there feeling about a relationship once it's ended, there really good at it, I'm sure it's eating at her too deep down and you got to remember that, I know it's hard and I know how you feel, even now I've just recently split from somebody I was with for just over a year, I'm sat here in pain and she hasn't made a single effort to even get in contact with me but this time I know better, I don't have Facebook so I don't have to see what she's up to or see what bs she's spouting about how happy she is, I blocked all contact with her all together so the only way she can talk to me is by showing up at my house, something she doesn't have the guts to do, yeah I could sit around and think about her with other guys or having a good time, I could feel meaningless but I won't and neither should you. One day you'll look back on this and think "What did I ever see in this girl?", I know I do, it does happen, I used to think my ex I had my kid with was the most beautiful woman in the world, looking back she was a fat ugly troll with armpit hair, the feeling of desperation and separation can take your mind away from reality, This girl doesn't deserve your time so don't let your heart rule your mind, get on with your life and the longer you go without looking her up or seeing her the less you'll care about that sort of stuff and the easier it will be to move on, good luck buddy, be good to yourself and one day others will be good to you.
RogerWallace111 Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Hi all, thank you for your replies and your encouraging words; esepcially about not breaking nc. I'm quite proud of being on my 20th day of NC, considering my past reactions to breakups (to much much shorter relationships) being completely over the top with calls, texts, emails etc.. I have a confession to make, something I'm ashamed of. Early in the day of the breakup, she had texted me that instead of watching a movie that evening she wanted to meet and talk. Obviously since she had been completely withdrawn from me for the previous week, and considering her issues about our being in a 'serious' relationship at her age (22) I was almost sure what was about to happen. I don't know what took over me, but I felt I should record the conversation. So when I met her that evening, I quitly turned on my mobile app and recorded the whole 2 hour conversation that ended it. I'm not sure why I did it at the time. I guess I knew that the shock wouldn't let me accept the reality and was hoping that by listening to the recording once in a while it would help me stay strong; and maintain NC. The thing is it has worked. I listen to the recording maybe once a week when I feel weak and about to contact her because in that conversation she explained her decision and if I'm being honest, breaking up was the only way if she wasn't happy....while I never make it through the whole recording (it's too long and painful), listening to 10 minutes of it at a time a few days apart has kept me strong until now (along with checking her blog) in terms of NC. However I am coming to realise that it hasn't been helping me with the real issue...staying healthy mentally and emotionally. As you just said, NC should be about me...not about NC for its own sake. So in the past two days I've been on the verge of deleting this awful recording forever twice...but haven't been able to do it because I'm scared I'll want to listen to it again and not finding it, I'll end up trying to contact her (even while knowing full well she'll ignore me as in her mind this has been over for a few months longer than it has for me)...I know because I also regret deleting other things (such as photos of us together), because I am now losing those memories.. I keep telling myself 'I'll listen to it one more time and delete it' but will I ever be strong enough to do so and cut off my last real link to those years...my last conversation with her? (PS I know it's shameful to have this recording and I shouldn't have done it, no need to point that out..) Nutty ! Yet I could've seen myself doing the same thing... Though I wouldn't actually have listened to it, at least not for a good while. But that's pretty cool you recorded it. I love having audio/video documentation of events from my life...
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