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Here are the options for action I've come up with. Which would you do?

BrokenPrincess

By BrokenPrincess
in The Other Man / Woman

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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
Posted

I am still reeling. Literally my head is all over the place, depending on the hour. I am at least going to give myself a few more days to try & stabilize a bit before I possibly do anything. Maybe by then I will have moved on like no setback happened, but for now at least, I need an outlet :)

 

Here are some options for action that I've come up with. What do you think I should do?

 

(1) Do nothing now. If he calls again:

A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

B. Talk and ask for strict NC so we can both focus on our M

C. Talk and enjoy the brief happiness from being friends again, then come to LS, my therapist crying and hurt because he didn't say what I hoped to hear.

 

(2) Email him this week and tell him I need strict NC so I can focus on my M

 

(3) Contact him and tell him I am prepared now to tell him what I wasn't on Friday. Give him or read prepared statement about my feelings, including some or all of the below thoughts:

A. His call confused me and has prompted a range of emotions.

B. Admit that I love(d) him. If he doesn't feel the same, please don't tell me these were some of the happiest memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. That hurts worse.

C. I can't handle just being occasional friends

D. Ask for strict NC

eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
Posted

A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

 

^^^ casting my vote for this tactic.

  • Like 7
wisernow Established Member

wisernow

Posted
Posted
I am still reeling. Literally my head is all over the place, depending on the hour. I am at least going to give myself a few more days to try & stabilize a bit before I possibly do anything. Maybe by then I will have moved on like no setback happened, but for now at least, I need an outlet :)

 

Here are some options for action that I've come up with. What do you think I should do?

 

(1) Do nothing now. If he calls again:

A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

B. Talk and ask for strict NC so we can both focus on our M

C. Talk and enjoy the brief happiness from being friends again, then come to LS, my therapist crying and hurt because he didn't say what I hoped to hear.

 

(2) Email him this week and tell him I need strict NC so I can focus on my M

 

(3) Contact him and tell him I am prepared now to tell him what I wasn't on Friday. Give him or read prepared statement about my feelings, including some or all of the below thoughts:

A. His call confused me and has prompted a range of emotions.

B. Admit that I love(d) him. If he doesn't feel the same, please don't tell me these were some of the happiest memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. That hurts worse.

C. I can't handle just being occasional friends

D. Ask for strict NC

 

I vote for 1a. Anything else leaves the door open., if only a crack. Take (keep) your power back. If you don't acknowledge him, even if he tries, he will eventually get the message.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
(1) Do nothing now. If he calls again:

A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

B. Talk and ask for strict NC so we can both focus on our M

C. Talk and enjoy the brief happiness from being friends again, then come to LS, my therapist crying and hurt because he didn't say what I hoped to hear.

Ignore his calls. DO NOT answer.

 

(2) Email him this week and tell him I need strict NC so I can focus on my M

 

After he calls, you email him and tell him that you've changed your mind, you're in a good place right now and do not want him in your life anymore. Tell him to please respect your decision and to lose your number and email address, that you wish him well but never to contact you again. No need to say a word about your marriage or life PERIOD as it's none of his business. The less you say, the better. Make it short and to the point.

(3) Contact him and tell him I am prepared now to tell him what I wasn't on Friday. Give him or read prepared statement about my feelings, including some or all of the below thoughts:

A. His call confused me and has prompted a range of emotions.

B. Admit that I love(d) him. If he doesn't feel the same, please don't tell me these were some of the happiest memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. That hurts worse.

C. I can't handle just being occasional friends

D. Ask for strict NC

 

You do NOT owe him any explantion, nor should you tell him your thoughts, feelings or anything. That gives him power. The less he knows about what you think, and feel the better.

 

Just email him and tell him to not contact you again. PERIOD. End of story.

  • Like 1
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

 

^^^ casting my vote for this tactic.

 

I would have said that too, but she already told him it's ok to call once in a while, so I think telling him she's changed her mind is the proper thing to do under the circumstances, especially she left the door open a crack for him, now she needs to close the crack and make sure he knows the door is locked forever.

  • Like 1
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted

How about you either focus on the marriage and let him go....or divorce your spouse and carry on with contact. There is not other option!!!! You either want your marriage or you don't. Talk with him will not change that. In fact it will only confuse you further. There is no closure when an affair is discovered...if someone is truly focused on reconciling with their spouse.

Furious Established Member

Furious

Posted
Posted
I am still reeling. Literally my head is all over the place, depending on the hour. I am at least going to give myself a few more days to try & stabilize a bit before I possibly do anything. Maybe by then I will have moved on like no setback happened, but for now at least, I need an outlet :)

 

Here are some options for action that I've come up with. What do you think I should do?

 

(1) Do nothing now. If he calls again:

A. Do nothing. No response, return call, or acknowledgement

B. Talk and ask for strict NC so we can both focus on our M

C. Talk and enjoy the brief happiness from being friends again, then come to LS, my therapist crying and hurt because he didn't say what I hoped to hear.

 

(2) Email him this week and tell him I need strict NC so I can focus on my M

 

(3) Contact him and tell him I am prepared now to tell him what I wasn't on Friday. Give him or read prepared statement about my feelings, including some or all of the below thoughts:

 

A. His call confused me and has prompted a range of emotions.

B. Admit that I love(d) him. If he doesn't feel the same, please don't tell me these were some of the happiest memories that you will remember for the rest of your life. That hurts worse.

C. I can't handle just being occasional friends

D. Ask for strict NC

 

 

 

Perhaps you can consider asking your husband how to best handle this situation.

  • Like 3
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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I would have said that too, but she already told him it's ok to call once in a while, so I think telling him she's changed her mind is the proper thing to do under the circumstances, especially she left the door open a crack for him, now she needs to close the crack and make sure he knows the door is locked forever.

 

That's what my therapist asked me to consider doing too, but by that point I was sobbing, and told her I needed more time to think.

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted

I'd send him an email and tell him something like this. 'I no longer wish to have ANY contact with you and any contact will be brought to the attention of your wife.'

 

I doubt he'd take the chance you were bluffing. He wouldn't tell your H because that would ensure his W finding out. Of course I still think you should tell your H but that's a decision you need to make and live with.

 

Do whatever you need to so he'll leave you alone. I hate seeing you shaken up like this.

  • Like 1
LFH Established Member

LFH

Posted
Posted
Ignore his calls. DO NOT answer.

 

 

 

After he calls, you email him and tell him that you've changed your mind, you're in a good place right now and do not want him in your life anymore. Tell him to please respect your decision and to lose your number and email address, that you wish him well but never to contact you again. No need to say a word about your marriage or life PERIOD as it's none of his business. The less you say, the better. Make it short and to the point.

 

 

You do NOT owe him any explantion, nor should you tell him your thoughts, feelings or anything. That gives him power. The less he knows about what you think, and feel the better.

 

Just email him and tell him to not contact you again. PERIOD. End of story.

 

I have to agree with this. Don't give him back your power.

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted
I have to agree with this. Don't give him back your power.

 

I agree but one step further and put a threat in place for future contact.

 

Finding and keeping your power is absolutely the biggest thing to do though.

  • Like 1
Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted
Perhaps you can consider asking your husband how to best handle this situation.

 

I agree.

 

I think you will stop ruminating on this MM when you have to shift your focus to your marriage and family.

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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I had been thinking in reality I would do 1B, Not the popular choice, but still better than #3, right? As much as I felt like I wanted to do #3 (and even wrote it out, then deleted it all), in the end, I decided that if he really did care about me, he should overcome any fear of rejection and find the guts to tell me. And if he couldn’t do that, then I guess it was all “affair fog” and I betrayed my H for someone who was just enjoying some strange.

 

I saw the incoming call yesterday, and felt nothing. Not shocked, not punched in the stomach anxious, not excited, just very regular. So I answered. I kept it platonic, didn't mention anything about feelings, just answered honestly that I had a nice vacations, etc.

 

But it turns out HE was basically calling with #3. He said as soon as we hung up last week, he wanted to call back and keep talking. He said that afterward and the next day passed, and then the next, and then a few more, and then he decided he just couldn’t wait any longer to call me. He certainly wasn’t going to wait another 4 months, and he wanted to have a chance to tell me all the things he wanted to say on Friday but was too nervous and didn’t want to overwhelm me with everything given the randomness of his call to begin with.

 

He poured out everything I’d wished he would’ve said on Friday and a whole lot more. A LOT more.

 

I feel better (validated?) than these months I had felt extra sh*tty for really falling for someone outside of my M who in the end, could just cut me out of his life without a care and lived happily ever after with his family. You know, I think about my past posts (and the other OW on here) wondering what xMM was doing, thinking, feeling post A, and I felt like I truly got some insight to that yesterday.

 

So what happens now? I think nothing. We don’t have plans for another call or anything like that. We both want to stay married. Nothing's changed, except at least now I know how he really feels and that has somewhat soothed some of my pain.

 

Last night I felt a wave of overwhelming guilt when I got in bed with my H. It was different than the general looming guilt I’ve felt post-A. This was more like hitting a wall. But I wanted to embrace being content & warm in my bed with my H, thinking of our child in the other room. My H must’ve sensed it on some level and was being extremely affectionate. He fell asleep, and I thought about the conversation earlier with xMM for a while before drifting off, but almost with a sense of detachment.

 

Is this the “high” from getting a fix? It doesn’t seem like that…I didn’t feel exhilarated or frenzied or flushed. Not completely anxious or distressed. It’s almost like I just feel at peace. Is that the fix, the band-aid? The validation finally that I, and our relationship, was not meaningless to him?

 

So now it’s a new day, and I still feel ok. I had breakfast and laughed my family, went to work, all like it was a week ago before he ever called.I haven’t been obsessing about the conversation, what it all means, what might happen next, etc. No urges to contact him.

 

Figured I’d post an update anyway. At a minimum, I will have this to read to remind myself what happened this week and what it felt like. I don’t know if this is how everyone feels when they first hear from their xAP again?

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