Come on now!

[AlisaMarie]

Why WHY WHY?

I finally had enough of being second... hell, tenth on my not so serious boyfriend's list. I told him I wanted to be a girlfriend and this FWB crap isn't enough for me. He expressed that's not what I am, but anyone on the outside looking in would clearly disagree.

 

He said he didn't see us long term, and we both verbally agreed there was no point in continuing this "relationship."

 

Not even 24 hours later, he texts, calls, leaves messages expressing what a mistake he made. He doesn't want to lose me and was foolish for even thinking we wouldn't work out.

 

This was a week ago. He came over twice since then, we had talks and dinner. The truth is- I feel like deep down inside this isn't going to be any better. He never calls, I feel like I am annoying him when I text... he's not here for me. I just feel flat out alone.. always. I barely talked to him today. He doesn't text or call to say goodnight.

 

How do I, after over a year, begin to set out boundaries without scaring him or pushing him away. I feel like I will just keep settling and will be stuck in this relationship doldrum forever.

[Minneloa]

This sounds very unsatisfying. What do you think is keeping you in a situation where your needs are not being met?

[outsidethebox]

why do you care about someone who doesn't care about you?

[venusianx13]

Aw, I'm sorry...

 

He snuck back in there, didn't he? That is what happens, and that was exactly his intention. This cycle is going to repeat itself if it isn't broken. And I think at this point, the only way to break it is to go no contact with him. Easier said than done, I understand, I've been there. Someone who really wants to change won't do so overnight, and it won't be some short-lived charade such as the one he displayed to you after your falling out. Really, days later, he was back to his old habit of neglecting you? That is simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Please, mark my words - he has already shown you that it will not get any better than this.

 

You deserve far more, and you know you do. I was in a 6 year relationship with a guy of similar quality and similar behavior. It was nothing but a horribly painful, long, drawn-out dead end of a relationship. At the end, I went through hell. But I recovered, and felt somehow blessed (that he was gone) when I finally came out of the dark emotions. And then, I met somebody better than I ever imagined could exist (at least for me!) It happened to be good timing for the both of us, but I am certain that there were other "good guys" out there and the only reason I never knew they existed is because the guy I was with cast such a dark cloud over my life. You're missing out on opportunities to meet someone far better for you. Please know that.

[kaylan]

Cut him off. He doesnt see you as someone hed date long term. He likes you, but just doesnt feel youre compatible with him.

 

Move on or continue to be used for physical and emotional intimacy without the commitment.

[nessaaa]

Youre gettingg nothing out of this relationship... does he have good dick or something?

Why do u care to stick with this guy?[/b][/b]

Why WHY WHY?

I finally had enough of being second... hell, tenth on my not so serious boyfriend's list. I told him I wanted to be a girlfriend and this FWB crap isn't enough for me. He expressed that's not what I am, but anyone on the outside looking in would clearly disagree.

 

He said he didn't see us long term, and we both verbally agreed there was no point in continuing this "relationship."

 

Not even 24 hours later, he texts, calls, leaves messages expressing what a mistake he made. He doesn't want to lose me and was foolish for even thinking we wouldn't work out.

 

This was a week ago. He came over twice since then, we had talks and dinner. The truth is- I feel like deep down inside this isn't going to be any better. He never calls, I feel like I am annoying him when I text... he's not here for me. I just feel flat out alone.. always. I barely talked to him today. He doesn't text or call to say goodnight.

 

How do I, after over a year, begin to set out boundaries without scaring him or pushing him away. I feel like I will just keep settling and will be stuck in this relationship doldrum forever.

[AlisaMarie]

This sounds very unsatisfying. What do you think is keeping you in a situation where your needs are not being met?

 

I feel as if I "wait" what I want will be reveled. I get a high off of the bread crumbs and uncertainty. I don't know why. It's unhealthy, I know, but I know what I want and need from a relationship- I am just too much of a coward to express AND enforce it.

[AlisaMarie]

why do you care about someone who doesn't care about you?

 

I am sure he "cares," just not as much as I do, I suppose.

[AlisaMarie]

Aw, I'm sorry...

 

He snuck back in there, didn't he? That is what happens, and that was exactly his intention. This cycle is going to repeat itself if it isn't broken. And I think at this point, the only way to break it is to go no contact with him. Easier said than done, I understand, I've been there. Someone who really wants to change won't do so overnight, and it won't be some short-lived charade such as the one he displayed to you after your falling out. Really, days later, he was back to his old habit of neglecting you? That is simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Please, mark my words - he has already shown you that it will not get any better than this.

 

You deserve far more, and you know you do. I was in a 6 year relationship with a guy of similar quality and similar behavior. It was nothing but a horribly painful, long, drawn-out dead end of a relationship. At the end, I went through hell. But I recovered, and felt somehow blessed (that he was gone) when I finally came out of the dark emotions. And then, I met somebody better than I ever imagined could exist (at least for me!) It happened to be good timing for the both of us, but I am certain that there were other "good guys" out there and the only reason I never knew they existed is because the guy I was with cast such a dark cloud over my life. You're missing out on opportunities to meet someone far better for you. Please know that.

 

That's exactly correct my dear! I even told him when we "broke up" that as long as I am clouded by him there is no chance in hell for someone that will really love me to come along. I am a smart person and very independent, but seriously, I don't want to be any more (independent that is- I want cared for and loved). I am tired of being alone, most importantly, I am tired of feeling alone!

[AlisaMarie]

Cut him off. He doesnt see you as someone hed date long term. He likes you, but just doesnt feel youre compatible with him.

 

Move on or continue to be used for physical and emotional intimacy without the commitment.

 

I may text him this exact line. Wow, thank you.

[AlisaMarie]

Youre gettingg nothing out of this relationship... does he have good dick or something?

Why do u care to stick with this guy?[/b][/b]

 

HAHAHA, he may! But I don't think I am the one using him! I want a relationship that is loving and caring. Setting sex aside, I suppose nothing else is being offered to me. I don't ask for much- all I want is love and respect.

[AlisaMarie]

your mistake was not cutting him off sooner. it'll be impossible to have a satisfying relationship as long as you are with this loser.

 

I wanted to a couple times. My problem is that I am a very forgiving person. I believe people when they say the "mess up." I feel like maybe losing me, even for a day will make them realize, then it does, and they go back to their old ways. I've been in relationships with patterns like this before- it's agonizing. It's my fault.

[Minneloa]

I feel as if I "wait" what I want will be reveled. I get a high off of the bread crumbs and uncertainty. I don't know why. It's unhealthy, I know, but I know what I want and need from a relationship- I am just too much of a coward to express AND enforce it.

 

I appreciate your frank response. Unfortunately, given what you have posted about this situation, it seems highly unlikely that this man is ever going to give you what you need. It's not a matter of "enforcing" your needs; it appears that he simply doesn't wish to comply with them, which is his prerogative. So the waiting game seems like a near-guarantee of the unhealthy status quo.

[AlisaMarie]

I appreciate your frank response. Unfortunately, given what you have posted about this situation, it seems highly unlikely that this man is ever going to give you what you need. It's not a matter of "enforcing" your needs; it appears that he simply doesn't wish to comply with them, which is his prerogative. So the waiting game seems like a near-guarantee of the unhealthy status quo.

 

I guess there are no compromises in things like this- or boundaries. Although I know I can walk away with my head held high, my heart is going to be shattered.

[Minneloa]

I don't know you, OP, but having your heart shattered by the situation you have described here seems a bit out of proportion to me.

 

Think how much more heart-shattered you will be if you continue to settle and self-sabotage.

[venusianx13]

I feel as if I "wait" what I want will be reveled. I get a high off of the bread crumbs and uncertainty. I don't know why. It's unhealthy, I know, but I know what I want and need from a relationship- I am just too much of a coward to express AND enforce it.

 

 

This is called co-dependency. It's like an addiction. I was in a relationship like this for 6 years. Please, research this term. I think you'll find that you fit the bill for it. Also, I am not saying this to insult you... it's a dynamic that is created between two people of specific personas. You sound a lot like I did. Your ex sounds a lot like mine (i.e. a narcissist, at least to some extent).

[curlygirl40]

If nothing changes then nothing changes.

 

You have set up this 'relationship' a certain way and it will continue that way as long as you allow it to.

 

A day of him worrying that he has lost you will not make him act differently. And you want him because you know you can't really, truly have him (in a relationship) so round and round you go.

 

Something needs to give, because as long as you allow this 'relationship' to continue this way, he will continue to take whatever you give him, but it will always leave you wanting more. You lose that way. Your dignity, your respect, your boundaries. It's all up for grabs.

 

Draw a line in the sand and stick with it. If he really wants to be in a committed relationship with you, then make him prove it. Stop taking the crumbs and trying to make a whole cookie with it. Remind yourself that you deserve better.

 

As Ninja's line says at the bottom of his posts, men aren't going to treat you with the respect you deserve, but what you demand. Paraphrasing here, but something like that and I wanted to make sure I gave him credit for it.

[baRx]

I wanted to a couple times. My problem is that I am a very forgiving person. I believe people when they say the "mess up." I feel like maybe losing me, even for a day will make them realize, then it does, and they go back to their old ways. I've been in relationships with patterns like this before- it's agonizing. It's my fault.

 

...and that's where you went wrong. forgiving people who say "i messed up, sorry! it won't happen again"

 

words and actions are two very, very different things.

 

I feel like maybe losing me, even for a day will make them realize

that never happens. trust me. remember when i told you i dealt with stuff like this for 3 years from this one girl? every time i showed her she was going to 'lose me', she 'realized' and came back wanting to 'fix' things.

well it never got fixed. here it is 4 years later and i haven't spoken to her in months. apparently now she's engaged to someone. someone she lied to me about 3 years ago.

 

fact is, they don't ever realize anything. whatever they do think they realize, is just temporary and it will go back to the same pattern. history will forever repeat itself. humans are known for their patterns.

 

good luck.

 

 

PS

If nothing changes then nothing changes.

 

excellent quote, by the way. it's been a long time since i've heard that one.

[AlisaMarie]

I don't know you, OP, but having your heart shattered by the situation you have described here seems a bit out of proportion to me.

 

Think how much more heart-shattered you will be if you continue to settle and self-sabotage.

 

Well, I care a lot for him, and I have also known him for a long time non romantically. I would be shattered... I'd lose my drug! Have you ever quit an addiction? This is comparable.

[AlisaMarie]

This is called co-dependency. It's like an addiction. I was in a relationship like this for 6 years. Please, research this term. I think you'll find that you fit the bill for it. Also, I am not saying this to insult you... it's a dynamic that is created between two people of specific personas. You sound a lot like I did. Your ex sounds a lot like mine (i.e. a narcissist, at least to some extent).

 

I agree with you! As independent and capable to survive alone, I just have a hole that won't be filled. I fill it with bad relationships. It's just a fix, not a solution.

[AlisaMarie]

If nothing changes then nothing changes.

 

You have set up this 'relationship' a certain way and it will continue that way as long as you allow it to.

 

A day of him worrying that he has lost you will not make him act differently. And you want him because you know you can't really, truly have him (in a relationship) so round and round you go.

 

Something needs to give, because as long as you allow this 'relationship' to continue this way, he will continue to take whatever you give him, but it will always leave you wanting more. You lose that way. Your dignity, your respect, your boundaries. It's all up for grabs.

 

Draw a line in the sand and stick with it. If he really wants to be in a committed relationship with you, then make him prove it. Stop taking the crumbs and trying to make a whole cookie with it. Remind yourself that you deserve better.

 

As Ninja's line says at the bottom of his posts, men aren't going to treat you with the respect you deserve, but what you demand. Paraphrasing here, but something like that and I wanted to make sure I gave him credit for it.

 

What cracks me up is that things are fine to him! He tells me I know I deserve more and he's a fool for neglecting me... but then the games begin. What is this vicious cycle? If I were giving my friend advice in this same situation, I would say get the eff out.

[AlisaMarie]

...and that's where you went wrong. forgiving people who say "i messed up, sorry! it won't happen again"

 

words and actions are two very, very different things.

 

 

that never happens. trust me. remember when i told you i dealt with stuff like this for 3 years from this one girl? every time i showed her she was going to 'lose me', she 'realized' and came back wanting to 'fix' things.

well it never got fixed. here it is 4 years later and i haven't spoken to her in months. apparently now she's engaged to someone. someone she lied to me about 3 years ago.

 

fact is, they don't ever realize anything. whatever they do think they realize, is just temporary and it will go back to the same pattern. history will forever repeat itself. humans are known for their patterns.

 

good luck.

 

 

PS

 

 

excellent quote, by the way. it's been a long time since i've heard that one.

 

Right! They only realize that they are going to be lonely for a minute... and they don't want to deal with that. It's much easier to wipe your feet on the doormat.

[venusianx13]

What cracks me up is that things are fine to him! He tells me I know I deserve more and he's a fool for neglecting me... but then the games begin. What is this vicious cycle? If I were giving my friend advice in this same situation, I would say get the eff out.

 

That's where you need to start. You need to be a friend to yourself, to LOVE yourself. If telling you to walk away, to cut him off, is too difficult for you to even fathom right now (I understand, I've been there) then start by doing things that make you feel good that don't involve him. Refuse to wait for those breadcrumbs...just go about your business doing things you enjoy, finding other ways to spend your time besides waiting on his texts or calls or invitations. Dote on yourself, go out with friends, plan adventures, or volunteer for a cause that you believe in. I guarantee that once you start to love yourself more, your perspective will change and you will find strength within yourself that you never knew existed.

[iKING]

That's where you need to start. You need to be a friend to yourself, to LOVE yourself. If telling you to walk away, to cut him off, is too difficult for you to even fathom right now (I understand, I've been there) then start by doing things that make you feel good that don't involve him. Refuse to wait for those breadcrumbs...just go about your business doing things you enjoy, finding other ways to spend your time besides waiting on his texts or calls or invitations. Dote on yourself, go out with friends, plan adventures, or volunteer for a cause that you believe in. I guarantee that once you start to love yourself more, your perspective will change and you will find strength within yourself that you never knew existed.

 

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

[outsidethebox]

This is just thinly veiled male bashing. Addicted to what? Addicted to being mistreated, bad relationships, acquaintances you pursue that don't care about you, all of the above?

 

Men are just bad news I think is your bottom line.