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Why do people say they want to be friends if they don't mean it?

SinceYou'veBeenGone

By SinceYou'veBeenGone
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SinceYou'veBeenGone Member

SinceYou'veBeenGone

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I left things off with my ex that he wanted to remain friends. However we don't talk at all and he has no desire right now. I don't understand the cold war feeling and him ignoring me. How is that a friendship? Do people really mean it when they say they want to be friends after a breakup? What is usually meant by it? We broke up in Jan.

 

My impression of it is that he wants to maintain that "connection" with me just for future...because you never know what the future holds and he might want to know what I'm up to one day... but that he doesn't mean friend in the literal sense like the other ones in his life that he actually hangs out with.

 

I thought he cared and I feel like most of it was just a front.

lemonlegs Established Member

lemonlegs

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I left things off with my ex that he wanted to remain friends. However we don't talk at all and he has no desire right now. I don't understand the cold war feeling and him ignoring me. How is that a friendship? Do people really mean it when they say they want to be friends after a breakup? What is usually meant by it? We broke up in Jan.

 

My impression of it is that he wants to maintain that "connection" with me just for future...because you never know what the future holds and he might want to know what I'm up to one day... but that he doesn't mean friend in the literal sense like the other ones in his life that he actually hangs out with.

 

I thought he cared and I feel like most of it was just a front.

 

Yes, I believe your thought may be true, they want to keep that connection on the back burner in case they decide to come back. Or it simply is just a way of letting you down easier. "I don't love you/want to be in a relationship with you, but I'll be your friend because I enjoy your company." Take that as a compliment if you like.

 

Usually, it's for self-motivated interests, like you said, or they are too afraid to abandon you completely. But since your ex-SO hasn't maintained contact, it was more than likely just a way to let you down nicely. You don't want to be friends with him anyways... it'd be too hard if you weren't over him.

lovnlost Established Member

lovnlost

Posted
Posted (edited)

I cant remain "friends" with an ex that I was in love with or at least havent managed to. I would never be friends with my current ex because I want to be her friend while being her lover. I wont be the shoulder she cries on when her rebound is treating her bad or give her advice to fix it. Im great at these things but refuse. Partly because it would be selling myself out and manipulative in that I would in some way use friendship as a a way of getting what I want. No thanks. Thats not allowing true love to work in my circumstances currently. However I suppose if enough time elapsed and there were no more feelings......sure. Im semi friends with one ex because I share my kid with her lol. But even that contact is limited. She is a good person and a good mother.

Edited by lovnlost
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Thunderchild Established Member

Thunderchild

Posted
Posted
I left things off with my ex that he wanted to remain friends. However we don't talk at all and he has no desire right now. I don't understand the cold war feeling and him ignoring me. How is that a friendship? Do people really mean it when they say they want to be friends after a breakup? What is usually meant by it? We broke up in Jan.

 

My impression of it is that he wants to maintain that "connection" with me just for future...because you never know what the future holds and he might want to know what I'm up to one day... but that he doesn't mean friend in the literal sense like the other ones in his life that he actually hangs out with.

 

I thought he cared and I feel like most of it was just a front.

 

It's usually self-serving. Guilt is a biggie as is an ego-boost knowing that you're still on the end of the chain and will make yourself available for whatever, whenever Letting you down gently/sparing your feelings - read 'cowardice'. Leaving you with 'false hope', but with no intention of ever fulfilling - that's simply cruelty.

 

Sometimes, they want something from you - shoulder to cry on for future relationships, or something more material eg ability to fix things etc

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

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Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to? EVERYONE who has been dumped knows the answer: they say "let's just be friends" to both 'soften the blow' of dumping you as they think it will make it 'easier' for you if they extend this so-called olive branch of goodwill, the offer of remaining friends.

 

They also do it to ease their conscience over any guilt they may feel about dumping you. by saying "let's stay friends" it allows them to convince themselves that they were nice and kind to you and that they were not too hard on you, and it helps them sleep better at night.

 

it is also a huge ego boost for them as they believe they are so great that you will just jump at the chance of remaining friends, because being in their presense as just a friend is apparently such an awesome thing.

 

In short, it is a load of crap. No girl whoever said it to me ever attempted to maintain a platonic friendship. One girl even said right to my face that she wasn't just giving me "a line" and that she REALLY WANTED TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH ME and that she would be in touch "real soon" so that we could go out again as friends. that was over a year ago and nope, I NEVER HEARD A SINGLE WORD FROM HER AGAIN. It is a load of crap.

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SinceYou'veBeenGone Member

SinceYou'veBeenGone

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Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to? EVERYONE who has been dumped knows the answer:

 

This was my first relationship. I've never been dumped before. Don't jump to conclusions. I am asking a legit sincere question.

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

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Posted

Sadly it is just a stock standard phrase people say without meaning. Kind of like how when you go to the supermarket the girl who serves you will say "have a nice day" when she honestly probably does not care whether your day is nice or not. People say things without meaning them

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SinceYou'veBeenGone Member

SinceYou'veBeenGone

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Sadly it is just a stock standard phrase people say without meaning. Kind of like how when you go to the supermarket the girl who serves you will say "have a nice day" when she honestly probably does not care whether your day is nice or not. People say things without meaning them

 

But in my case it had felt very sincere. The way he said it... I can't explain...

CC12 Established Member

CC12

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Posted
But in my case it had felt very sincere. The way he said it... I can't explain...

 

I think most people who say, "Let's still be friends" actually are sincere and they do mean it at the time they say it. But then things easily change and they end up feeling differently.

 

If they don't want to be friends, that doesn't mean that they don't care about you and never did. It's probably not personal at all, they just need time to themselves. It's understandable. Try not to have any hard feelings, and just move on to the next big thing in your life.

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mutant Established Member

mutant

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Posted
Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to? EVERYONE who has been dumped knows the answer: they say "let's just be friends" to both 'soften the blow' of dumping you as they think it will make it 'easier' for you if they extend this so-called olive branch of goodwill, the offer of remaining friends.

 

They also do it to ease their conscience over any guilt they may feel about dumping you. by saying "let's stay friends" it allows them to convince themselves that they were nice and kind to you and that they were not too hard on you, and it helps them sleep better at night.

 

it is also a huge ego boost for them as they believe they are so great that you will just jump at the chance of remaining friends, because being in their presense as just a friend is apparently such an awesome thing.

 

In short, it is a load of crap. No girl whoever said it to me ever attempted to maintain a platonic friendship. One girl even said right to my face that she wasn't just giving me "a line" and that she REALLY WANTED TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH ME and that she would be in touch "real soon" so that we could go out again as friends. that was over a year ago and nope, I NEVER HEARD A SINGLE WORD FROM HER AGAIN. It is a load of crap.

 

This is not always the case. Some exes just want to remain friends with you so that you can be the fall-back guy when things go wrong, a shoulder to cry on. They may even temporarily come back to your life if you let them. But it's always a huge ego boost which makes them feel great being the bigger person. Either way its a very pathetic move.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted
Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to? EVERYONE who has been dumped knows the answer: they say "let's just be friends" to both 'soften the blow' of dumping you as they think it will make it 'easier' for you if they extend this so-called olive branch of goodwill, the offer of remaining friends.

 

They also do it to ease their conscience over any guilt they may feel about dumping you. by saying "let's stay friends" it allows them to convince themselves that they were nice and kind to you and that they were not too hard on you, and it helps them sleep better at night.

 

it is also a huge ego boost for them as they believe they are so great that you will just jump at the chance of remaining friends, because being in their presense as just a friend is apparently such an awesome thing.

 

In short, it is a load of crap. No girl whoever said it to me ever attempted to maintain a platonic friendship. One girl even said right to my face that she wasn't just giving me "a line" and that she REALLY WANTED TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH ME and that she would be in touch "real soon" so that we could go out again as friends. that was over a year ago and nope, I NEVER HEARD A SINGLE WORD FROM HER AGAIN. It is a load of crap.

 

Well, this is CLEARLY not always the case. I have relationships with a couple of my exes and we talk almost daily and meet up on occasion. We're all dating someone else and have moved on.

 

Some, perhaps not many, people are truly interested in establishing a friendship component to their dating. Some people actually want to be friends with the person they're dating. If true, it shouldn't be surprising that if it ends, that it ends in friendship. Not too common, but it clearly happens.

AlexB Member

AlexB

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I'd say it's to let us down gently, perhaps make themselves feel better. Less guilty because they're offering you friendship even if they have no intention of actually being your friend. I am yet to become friends with an ex. I just don't see it happening with someone i've been in love.

 

My recent ex gave me the "you've become one of my best friends, i still want you in my life, i care about you" while she was breaking up with me via text.

 

Uhh how 'bout shove your friendship up your a.. you f...... coward. You couldn't even break up with me to my face! That's not something you do to someone you care about. So i say it's all BS.

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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I just don't see it happening with someone i've been in love.

 

I find this statement to be ironic and peculiar. You don't see yourself being friends with someone you've been in LOVE with....really? Was it really love? Did you see that person as someone you could and would have spent the remainder of your life with? But not as a friend???

 

I often wonder what we are all looking for in a mate, if not friendship. A soulmate who is not a friend?

 

I suppose there are those who don't want to be friends with their lover, mate, partner.....

AlexB Member

AlexB

Posted
Posted
I find this statement to be ironic and peculiar. You don't see yourself being friends with someone you've been in LOVE with....really? Was it really love? Did you see that person as someone you could and would have spent the remainder of your life with? But not as a friend???

 

I often wonder what we are all looking for in a mate, if not friendship. A soulmate who is not a friend?

 

I suppose there are those who don't want to be friends with their lover, mate, partner.....

Because i can't go from lover to friend. I think most people would agree with me here.

 

My friends are my friends because i don't feel anything romantic towards them. My ideal partner would be my best friend who i am in love with.

 

Perhaps it was because this person broke my heart and i no longer trust them. But i can't switch feelings. If you can, more power to you.

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SinceYou'veBeenGone Member

SinceYou'veBeenGone

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To add to this... Why would a person not even bother to reply?

 

Is it because they don't care and feel bad about telling you directly...

Or simply don't feel like being bothered...

 

Or could they possibly care and it hurts to get into conversation and risk having to turn down something you might ask or say to them....

 

Is it smart to just make the full assumption they don't care and that is how they are letting you know?

 

If I call someone my friend, I'd at least be friendly with keeping contact from time to time and reply. I'm a nice person... I don't understand the other side...

emmalynro Established Member

emmalynro

Posted
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Why people say "let's be friends":

 

1) You had a solid friendship before, you tried dating and it was hella awkward, so you both laughed about it and decided to stay friends.

 

2) They don't want to feel like a total jerk.

 

3) They weren't really that invested in the relationship, so the switch from lovers to friends again isn't a big deal.

 

Why people don't reply:

 

1) They don't care.

 

2) They don't want to lead you on.

 

3) It hurts too much. They will ALWAYS tell you this. I've told exes when it hurts too much to talk to them, and they've told me. If they don't tell you it hurts then I wouldn't believe it...besides, you would know. If he was crying or looked like a wreck when you broke up, then you could assume it probably hurts too much.

 

What to do at the end of your first relationship:

 

1) Cry your eyes out if you want, or not

 

2) Keep a journal to sort through your feelings

 

3) Get excited for all the crazy relationships you'll have in the future

 

4) Order a pizza (optional but recommended)

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na49 Established Member

na49

Posted
Posted

I'm not really sure what a "friend" is.

 

A friend should be someone who is there for me. Someone who I want to be there for. Someone who I respect and gives me the same level of respect in return. It shouldn't be someone who is going to talk about me with her other friends. It shouldn't be someone who lies to me. It shouldn't be my ex.

 

and it's not. Think about it, would you really go hang out with them on weekends? Tag along for lunch while they're with their new partner? No thanks. My heart's been hurting enough as is.

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mutant Established Member

mutant

Posted
Posted
I'm not really sure what a "friend" is.

 

A friend should be someone who is there for me. Someone who I want to be there for. Someone who I respect and gives me the same level of respect in return. It shouldn't be someone who is going to talk about me with her other friends. It shouldn't be someone who lies to me. It shouldn't be my ex.

 

and it's not. Think about it, would you really go hang out with them on weekends? Tag along for lunch while they're with their new partner? No thanks. My heart's been hurting enough as is.

 

Exactly. An ex ceases being a friend the moment she loses your trust. Unless in situations where a breakup was mutual, I don't see why we should be friends with someone who we don't trust. I know the term "friends" is loosely applied and almost means the same as Facebook friends even in real life situations however for me friend means someone I can count on just as much as they can count on me.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted
In a way you are saying you can have romantic feelings with your friends...which is not a good thing.

 

I actually respect my ex cuz she stood by what she said earlier though I hate her for what she did to me.

 

Not certain how to respond to your first statement. What I'm saying is that it shouldn't be surprising if exes become friends (w/o the romantic feelings) if real friendship was ever an important element/component of the relationship. It may take time, but people have and do maintain friendships with exes.

 

Actually, come to think of it, I am not saying that it's okay to have romantic feelings for a friend. I know all too well that it's a difficult proposition.

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SinceYou'veBeenGone Member

SinceYou'veBeenGone

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you would know. If he was crying or looked like a wreck when you broke up, then you could assume it probably hurts too much.

 

 

I don't know because it was over text and he never wanted to talk about it.

 

I have been eating a lot of pizza lately. Maybe this is why.. ty

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