Lisa_Lisa Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 This guy is my brother's friend. I've known him casually for several months now. Recently he, my brother, and I went to a bar, and we exchanged cell phone numbers. We texted back and forth; it got flirty. Then he came over to my house to help my brother with something and we ended up sneaking kisses all day long. He made it clear he wanted to take it to the bedroom. Since I'm not looking for anything serious, I agreed I wanted to as well. But since he's been at my house day after day, we've begun to talk. I recently got out of a relationship - maybe I spoke about it too much? Then I asked him if he wanted to meet me for coffee. He agreed, but when I asked him if we were going to see each other tonight, he said his cousin reminded him of something he had to do and he doesn't know. If he finishes early, maybe. I got mad 'cause he had already agreed to the date or whatever it is. And now it's not gonna happen. He said I'm a cool girl and he likes hanging out with me. All of this was through text. I haven't answered him at all since he broke the date. Should I be angry? Should I pretend it doesn't bother me? He hasn't asked for another date. Maybe somebody could clarify what's going through his mind.
FitChick Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 He is a friend of your brother and doesn't want to lose his friendship by getting involved with you.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I don't know. He's a 21 year old kid. He's gonna want it however he can get it. I know if things go sour it'll be awkward when I see him again. But he pursued me. I was taken aback by the whole thing. I really do think he likes me, but I don't understand the flakiness. Maybe he just wants to get straight to the sex.
veggirl Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah, he wants sex, not coffee. Invite him out for a drunken night or something and I am sure he'll show up. 2
Kamille Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) I'm confused. On two fronts. 1. Then I asked him if he wanted to meet me for coffee. He agreed, but when I asked him if we were going to see each other tonight, he said his cousin reminded him of something he had to do and he doesn't know. If he finishes early, maybe. Did he break the first date? To me it sounds the plans for coffee were somewhat undetermined. Had you agreed to meet that evening for coffee at any point? Were the plans firm? 2. Since I'm not looking for anything serious, I agreed I wanted to as well. If you're not looking for anything serious, why is this a big deal? I mean, I don't really fully understand casual relationships, but your reaction sounds out of line with the expectations you set up. Edited March 5, 2013 by Kamille 1
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I asked him last night if he was doing anything Tuesday (tonight). He said, nothing, so I asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He agreed, but he said he was a bit embarrassed because his boss hadn't paid him yet. (I know this is true because he works for my brother and my brother hasn't been paid either). I said, don't worry, coffee's cheap. So I thought then that we had confirmed things. So that's why I was disappointed that he suddenly remembered his cousin had asked him to do something, which something that is, I don't know. He was vague. And yes, I also want just sex, but now that I offered coffee and he rejected it, why should I give him my body?
SJC2008 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 (edited) And yes, I also want just sex, but now that I offered coffee and he rejected it, why should I give him my body? Becuae you want your cake and to eat it too. Your're not emotionally aviailable for a relationship but want to have sex which I cool, I'm not judging you. BUT you also need/want attention in the form of dates. Why should he go on dates with you and risk getting attached to someone who isn't looking for more? If you're gonna do casual keep it casual, the more couply yall act the more likely someones gonna get hurt. Sounds like your not too cut out for casual in that your disappointed he won't go out with you. This is a rebound situation but it does seem like there's a couple of quasi relationships evolving nowadays where people hook up and go out but aren't monogmous, fwb+. And then there's the mongomous fwb?? Strange times we live in. Edited March 6, 2013 by SJC2008 add
CC12 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 Your post made it sound like you've already been sleeping together, but after re-reading it, I'm not so sure. Have you guys had sex yet? For some reason, it makes a difference, in my opinion. If you haven't had sex with him, then this was kind of a first date, or a prelude to the sex-having, if you will. It's just common courtesy to show up. You've got to start somewhere. But if you've already hooked up with him a few times, and you've established a relationship that solely consists of hooking up and nothing else, then you can't really expect him to prioritize having coffee with you. That's what a boyfriend does. And you just kind of can't care that much in a FWB situation. If you're going to be hurt that he doesn't do boyfriendy things, then maybe an "only sex" thing isn't for you. In any case, your plans were vague. When you don't set a time and a specific place and get a yes, there's too much room for miscommunication and it's too easy to blow off the plans.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 Yeah, we haven't had sex yet. When we made out, it was hot and heavy, and of course, sex was on both our minds. So we did agree to have sex on Thursday. It was my idea to invite him for coffee since he was at my house on Monday and we were talking and getting to know each other. He said I was cool. He likes older girls and I'm fun. Maybe the coffee thing was too vague, but he did agree to it. I think that's what pissed me off. And if I didn't ask him if we were going to see each other, would he have even told me he couldn't go? I do believe I made a HUGE mistake in talking about a past relationship. Freakin' huge mistake. Maybe he was put off by it. I don't know. Weird thing is, I can't stop thinking about him. I go to bed, I think of him. I wake up, I think of him. But I'm not thinking marriage, house, and kids. I'm thinking sex. But will I get attached after I do it? I feel like I'm already sort of attached.
veggirl Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 This sounds like a terrible idea. You are already getting worked up about it before sex, you'll be a mess afterwards!
JennaMax Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I think you are a bit harsh because he might have had a valid reason to say "he wasn't sure". It's not like he blew you off or something. Also, you gotta remember that he's aware that he'd be dating his best friend's sister so I wouldn't surprise if he's getting cold feet. Just talk to him and see what he says;)
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I think you are a bit harsh because he might have had a valid reason to say "he wasn't sure". It's not like he blew you off or something. Also, you gotta remember that he's aware that he'd be dating his best friend's sister so I wouldn't surprise if he's getting cold feet. Just talk to him and see what he says;) Maybe he did have a valid reason. It just seemed vague to me. Or maybe he was just really embarrassed about not having money. Either way, I've thought about it. I'm attracted to him. He's attracted to me. And I do want to sleep with him so I will. But he'll have to get in contact with me first. I'm not gonna put it on a silver platter. He says he won't share anything with my brother - I don't know if my brother suspects or even cares, frankly. He doesn't get in my business. Here's something weird that the guy told me. I don't know if I should pay attention to it or not. But he likes it when after sex the girl calls or texts first because he hates that "rule" that a guy has to do it. And the 3 day thing, too. So now I think even if we do it, I might have to contact him the morning after or something. And then he says he hasn't stuck around with a girl for more than 3 months mostly because he hasn't met anyone interesting. Then he alluded that I was interesting. This kid has got me confused.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Ok, he reached out to me and apologized about breaking the date. He said he did have to help his cousins, but mostly he was embarrassed because he hadn't been paid, and if he had the money - which he will soon - he will take me out. He said he likes me a lot, that I keep him interested, whatever that means. So, I'm excited. I love the newness of it.
Janesays Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If you're interested in turning this into a relationship, don't waste your time. He's not interested in more than easy sex. You didn't make mistake about talking to him about a past relationship. If he was interested in you as a person, he'd want to know about you, past relationships included. It's not because of your brother. If he was interested in you, he'd be drilling your brother for info about you. He just wants to hit it and quit it, yo. I think sleeping with him will get you nothing but pain. You're still going to do it, though. Le sigh.
CC12 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 OP, something about the way you're going about this seems really off. You keep saying stuff like, "I'm not looking for anything serious, it's just sex, I want it and he wants it too, so whatever, it's happening." And then in the next breath, you're like, "Well, he canceled our coffee date so why should I give him my body? I ain't just gonna put this on a silver platter." It's like, sexual bartering and it seems really unnecessary. Why does he have to "earn" it if you want to keep it to sex only? If you would rather have the kind of friendship/relationship that involves coffee dates and certain expectations, then you're going about it the wrong way. This is not the kind of relationship you've set up. If you just want to **** him, then go **** him. He's totally down for that, from what I gather. This is the friendship/relationship you've set up with him. You're trying to blur the line between a FWB and a boyfriend-type. Pick one or the other. Doing both doesn't work. Also, you two had a Thursday night sex date planned, right? Is that still on?
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Yes, the Thursday night sex thing is still on. (Tonight) We had an hour long phone conversation last night. And I think the reason I want to blur the lines with him a bit is because I've known him for several months already. We've talked about the girls he was seeing, his interests, his money problems, his job, and his education. And this was before I knew he had any sexual feelings toward me. My point is, once we have sex I want to keep the friendly banter. I've had sex with guys for whom I've felt nothing. I know I am capable of it. I just don't want our current dynamic to change once we do the deed. He assured me that it won't. And I'm completely aware he just wants to get laid. I was a bit disappointed because maybe I put too much expectation into the coffee date, but once we got to talking, I realized we didn't really need to go out in the first place. Just getting to know him on the phone became enough for me.
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