Dear Ladies: listen to your mate (for your own good).

[2sure]

I am not proud of hurting anyone.

 

This is exactly why I'm requesting help from the people on this website. If I was proud, I would continue to do this without at least considering the ramifications of my actions.

 

I'm only trying to find a better way to communicate this to future women, so I ask asking for help.

 

See? That's how you fool em.

[2sure]

When you get the third date or encounter explain to them again that although you enjoy their company, you are not going to fall in love with them and will continue to look for other partners . Then do just that.

[youaremysunshine]

Hey thanks. It's tough because everyone has non-sexual needs that they want fuffiled by another person, even if they are unorthodox. But if you are using a person for that and not giving anything in return it's unfair.

It's give and take but you are only taking.

 

I admire that you are open and direct about your inability to give in a relationship. Maybe you will find someone in some sort of agreement that will work for both parties, but you might be a alone for a long while

[KraftDinner]

First off OP, your "don't get involved with me, I'm a bad boy" comes off as a line. I get that it's serious but I have to say, it's ridiculous to expect people to take that seriously.

 

It could also come across as, "I'm a bad person...prove me wrong and make me feel better about myself."

 

Anyway.

 

In interactions with new people where things are going well, there is an "implied potential" for progressing the relationship further, irrespective of the empty words you use. The woman will think there's at least a possibility that things can progress; in her head, why would you be hanging out otherwise?

 

It's just like a girl hanging out with a guy and telling him this will never progress to sex. The guy may see this as a challenge and take it on!

 

If she never ends up having sex with him, she's a c0cktease, right? Even if she stated directly that she wouldn't, the guy probably still thought he had a shot, and she was just saying that to protect herself, to impress him, whatever.

 

Well....you're a hearttease!

[Fondue]

First off OP, your "don't get involved with me, I'm a bad boy" comes off as a line. I get that it's serious but I have to say, it's ridiculous to expect people to take that seriously.

 

It could also come across as, "I'm a bad person...prove me wrong and make me feel better about myself."

 

Anyway.

 

In interactions with new people where things are going well, there is an "implied potential" for progressing the relationship further, irrespective of the empty words you use. The woman will think there's at least a possibility that things can progress; in her head, why would you be hanging out otherwise?

 

It's just like a girl hanging out with a guy and telling him this will never progress to sex. The guy may see this as a challenge and take it on!

 

If she never ends up having sex with him, she's a c0cktease, right? Even if she stated directly that she wouldn't, the guy probably still thought he had a shot, and she was just saying that to protect herself, to impress him, whatever.

 

Well....you're a hearttease!

Thank you for the input.

 

I don't mean to give off "lines." In complete honesty, I just offer myself, nothing more. I don't "play game" or follow "rules." I just say what I mean and do what I do. I don't try to come off as something I'm not to impress anyone.

 

That's part of the reason why I can't understand if someone thinks I am trying to just "say a line" that would make me seem attractive, hahaha.

 

I understand what you mean when you say that if interactions are going well, then there is implied "potential." So I suppose my question to you is, how do I keep these interactions great, yet not implying anything?

 

Thank you .

[Imajerk17]

Let me get this straight:

 

"If you tell women you're looking for something serious when you aren't, you're leading them on.

 

If you tell women you AREN'T looking for anything serious when you aren't, you're leading them on."

 

Sorry ladies, but OP was straight with the women all along. What did you expect him to do?

 

I'm also wondering how people would be reacting if the gender roles were reversed.

[Eggplant]

Do you think you could be a sociopath? They're 1-4% of the population. They don't feel any love for people. It isn't your fault if you are one.

 

I agree that the message isn't getting through correctly. Simply tell them that you are only looking for sex, and that you are sleeping with MULTIPLE women. If they know they aren't the only one, they'll have no illusions.

[youaremysunshine]

Imajerk, the point is these women want something he isn't willing to give. He should graciously bow out and find some one happy to be in a one-sided relationship. Anything else is taking advantage.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look Fondue I got your back completely on this one and I think it should be embarrassing that women need things spelled out to their faces so clear cut and easy, that you absolutely have to see it which I feel to your knowledge you are "somewhat" doing. They will absolutely resist taking any responsibility if at all possible, many women hardly never even think to truly blame themselves...sure they blame themselves for having feelings or not backing away...after the fact, but that's only because they're bitter or pissed off that you hurt them or they got hurt in the process....it's about "their" feelings.

 

So you need to understand one thing right now...you are not hurting them because you lied and manipulated them necessarily, because any fool should be able to take a hint at a red flag...I think you're lying to a degree and being manipulative and I think you know when, don't act like a complete fool you know when you're doing things that are poking at their emotions and they're getting sucked in....all men do and you continue on anyway, so take responsibility for that. You are hurting them because in spite of what you are saying, they are getting "mixed signals" because you think that your words gave you the way out so that your "actions" are dismissed as just sexual or enjoying their companionship, they automatically interpret that as being "interested in more", that's never going to change so do yourself a favor and stop that mentality right now...ask your friends, your daddy, and even any man-whore friends, women aren't rational.

 

And that's the problem...many women want to develop their own agenda, opinion and basis to make that decision based on their "feelings", it all derives from the emotions. Regardless of what you say and warn of them will do you absolutely no good at all...If you do not completely chastise yourself than I will guarantee you Fondue that women will still read into it...even for a cold hearted man slut like yourself.

 

Look at the forums, look at the post....all these women have a lot in common and one of the things is seeing the "best intentions" in men, they all shine things in a light they want to see...even when all signs are completely obvious and there should be no reason anyone outside of that little bubble would even have the slightest difficulty in actually seeing through it. No but this is special this is different..of course it is, it always is isn't it!

 

You can give women all the reasons in the world that this guy isn't good for them....and guess what? after whining and complaining...back into the arms they go so what makes you think you're any different and for that matter even special?..they vent to everyone else but then they get over and back with the guy they just whined about for the last hour...it doesn't make a difference, it doesn't matter...they're still going to put their effort and work into it, many women think they can change men and give them what they need. They want to be that one person who is "special" enough to make it allllll different and worth while, they want to bring out the "good guy" in you that's hiding in there somewhere...they want to "fix" him..and that's a very attractive quality for women alone...I know this from experience and therefore try to keep my feelings and any "brokenness" under wraps.

 

So you "warning" these women is nothing but a challenge that women whether many will admit it or not...looooove. How often do you see the the nice guy that rolls over and kisses the ground a woman walks on get the girl? hardly never, it only happens after a woman typically becomes jaded enough to stop playing with fire...after the millionth time she has learned that fire burns...but guess what? it's still tempting as well and it always will be.

 

I commend you for speaking up and posting about this because many men out there feel just like you, I hate the fact that men even retain the facade even on an online forum just to they don't get beaten up by the ladies...they just don't have the balls to say it out loud or admit to themselves...instead they fake interest, fake genuine emotion and women buy the facade...they tell themselves their not doing anything wrong when it's just a bunch of BS...and not because women don't see the cracks in the mirror, but because they insist on ignoring them.

 

Now only If I had your callous and insensitive behavior on your infliction of pain on women (although unintentional - that is irrelevant, you have to be smarter man than that and look at the results, not the intention) would I be a happy camper myself, unfortunately I cannot disconnect at your level therefore If you intended not to hurt women you would have to chastise yourself and not sleep with them...it sucks, it's a punishment on yourself while mr douchebag runs "game" and is low enough to tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear and he can't even do that right, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, you name it...But that is the only way to truly avoid this situation, otherwise you're going to be the "heart breaker" but then again that's not much of a bad title for most men is there?...most men.

 

Just know that the reason you are so disconnecting emotionally is you are either suffering from some kind of personality disorder so to speak, or have major emotional issues that keep you from opening up and feeling with these women...because I'm certain you have, you just likely disconnect at that point or get out the kitchen when it gets too hot.

 

It's so disappointing to hear how emotionally helpless women victimize themselves to be time and time and again, and yet continue to blame men for that.

 

It's frustrating that even when standing in a run on fire, covered in smoke, and coughing out their lungs....they still....stand there...and hope...and tell them it was something that "man" didn't do or said...or how he "mislead" her...what a completely irresponsible and unaccountable way to think and feel...and then you wonder why they make the same mistake over and over again...but of course and after all...it is automatically our faults...as men and we must arbor that guilt or change our ways to accommodate your feelings, your behavior, and your insecurities and issues that you neglect.

 

And guess what men? at the end of the day....it wasn't even about you and your casanova ways...it was about themselves and their self-esteem issues and insecurities, they made it possible because that's the "love" they think they deserve... after all look at most men, I know a few guys on here that clearly look at themselves as ladies men, I see the tactic, it's been done before believe it or not....and with most guys, average overall performance at best and when a knuckle head gets one or two things right...he puts himself on a mountain and calls himself a king.

 

God forbid a man looks himself as a whole package....instead of what he is good at, or what he can do to women.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Fondue, have you considered that you may be a sociopath? Seriously, look it up. Consider getting help.

[Eggplant]

Fondue, have you considered that you may be a sociopath? Seriously, look it up. Consider getting help.

 

It is not treatable.

[CudLRoo]

I kind of understand him, in the sense that I get completely the opposite effect when I get involved with girls. I'd definitely say you were on the autism/Aspergers spectrum, and I sincerely don't mean that as an insult, if you analyse your logic when it comes to being straight-out about yourself about the sex, you easily overlooked the question of upsetting the girls you lead on, even though you're being honest.

 

You are VERY logic-driven, there is a mental framework you have about sexuality/'love' that is seemingly different to most people's, doesn't mean you're a bad guy, people have manifold differences and these are the spices of life.

 

Interesting, like I said I'm completely the opposite of you in how I feel when I'm with women but your honesty is really refreshing and it's nice to get a perspective a bit different from the norm.

 

Odd question: reckon you'd be a good porn actor? I watched a documentary about a depressed porn actor who was looking for REAL love, but if you don't need that then that'd be a good trait for that field. Anyway, odd question, blame the blunt.

[ThaWholigan]

I kind of understand him, in the sense that I get completely the opposite effect when I get involved with girls. I'd definitely say you were on the autism/Aspergers spectrum, and I sincerely don't mean that as an insult, if you analyse your logic when it comes to being straight-out about yourself about the sex, you easily overlooked the question of upsetting the girls you lead on, even though you're being honest.

 

You are VERY logic-driven, there is a mental framework you have about sexuality/'love' that is seemingly different to most people's, doesn't mean you're a bad guy, people have manifold differences and these are the spices of life.

 

Interesting, like I said I'm completely the opposite of you in how I feel when I'm with women but your honesty is really refreshing and it's nice to get a perspective a bit different from the norm.

 

Odd question: reckon you'd be a good porn actor? I watched a documentary about a depressed porn actor who was looking for REAL love, but if you don't need that then that'd be a good trait for that field. Anyway, odd question, blame the blunt.

Dunno, I'm actually legit autistic (diagnosed), and he doesn't appear to be so to me.

[starla33]

If ONE woman didn't believe him and got hurt, I'd say it was probably HER that had the problem. But he fully admits that this is a COMMON problem that MANY woman have with him, so that tells me that he is NOT being straight with them. Obviously, HE is the one who is not communicating effectively. So my thoughts are that we should give him a way to communicate more effectively with these women in the future.

 

I am NOT about to say, "It's OK to punch someone in the face; It's THEIR fault for not blocking." That's just ridiculous.

 

Whenever I see men acting like this, I have to look suspicously at women. After all, we are the ones raising these cads, right? Why are we telling them it is OK to behave this way?

 

The thing is no matter what or how hard we try to not get attached most women WILL get attached even if they are ok with the casual sex in the start. I know this exact situation recently happened to me. So basically there is not much you can do here since our hormones like to form attachments to people we sleep with.

[Eternal Sunshine]

LOL I have run away from every single guy who said things along the lines of what you say you say to women...so no, not all of us are dumb.

 

I find men to be very simple. If you have to guess whether or not he actually likes you, he does not. Few women believe me on that one though. I take everything guys say to me seriously.

 

You sound a little sociopathic to be honest

 

So have I kimberlydoll, nothing kills the attraction faster.

[tbf]

This was partially my point.

 

I intentionally place landmines for myself to trip over. I TELL women I am not a suitable companion-- that I am NO companion at all. I am abad, stay way, date someone else.

 

It still happens.

 

I feel like yes, I may be partially to blame (seriously, I am pretty fun to be around), but I can't be held responsible for them "falling" for me when I distinctly tell them NOT to.

I applaud your honesty. Fishtaco's like that even though he's a player. I don't have any problems with honest players. It's the ones who pretend to be relationship oriented who jack women around using emotional manipulation who are the sociopaths.

[CudLRoo]

Dunno, I'm actually legit autistic (diagnosed), and he doesn't appear to be so to me.

 

I'm on the spectrum, diagnosed (could read and write at 2, hyperactive), Tourette's, too, but it manifests differently in different people, often people super-recognise certain concepts but under-recognise others, it's really a very unsubtle umbrella term is 'autism'. It's the modus operandi behind it all, there's an inbuilt strategy going on in this guy's workings that is pretty 'different'. I'm not castigating him for that, it's just the broad spectrum of human mentality at work, I just find it interesting when I find viewpoints almost alien to mine, I get drawn in rather than dislike.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm on the spectrum, diagnosed (could read and write at 2, hyperactive), Tourette's, too, but it manifests differently in different people, often people super-recognise certain concepts but under-recognise others, it's really a very unsubtle umbrella term is 'autism'. It's the modus operandi behind it all, there's an inbuilt strategy going on in this guy's workings that is pretty 'different'. I'm not castigating him for that, it's just the broad spectrum of human mentality at work, I just find it interesting when I find viewpoints almost alien to mine, I get drawn in rather than dislike.

I see, similar story to mine too .

 

Its possible, but I'm wary of diagnosing people over the net with only their words to go on. Still, you may be onto something .

[CudLRoo]

^In reality, everyone is just part of a whole spectrum of weird, all these labels serve to do is attempt to classify the innately unclassifiable. We're all 'mental' to some degree, there is such a HUGE array of behaviours to attach words to, and unfortunately nowadays you get lumped into categories comprised of vastly different types of people.

 

I won't say he's autistic, I'll say he's maybe got 'autistic traits', you're right, shouldn't be giving out 'diagnoses' on forums where there are vulnerable peeps.

 

I think the bit about him not really recognising that he was causing upset was what stoked my stoat, there's a VERY autistic guy at work who is the same way with older ladies, loves 'em and leaves 'em, never guilty, yet is 51 and still lives with his mum and dad!

[Soxfaninfl]

I have been having this problem for a while now, with many different women.

 

They don't listen.

 

Every woman that I meet and believe that I may have interest (read: lust) in, I tell them immediately that I am bad person. I am emotionless. Not necessarily "bad" or an "*******," but not a companion.

 

I make this known VERY early on, before anything develops. Women will ignore me telling them this. Either joke it off like I am just being funny, or choose to ignore it all together. This all happens well before AND after sex or any other physical exploration.

 

Before I continue, let me say I am charitable person, I always donate, give money/food to homeless people, hold the door, smile, even help old ladies cross the street. I am a pleasure to be around. I have LEARNED how to be kind, respectful, and an overall "good" person. None of this is genuine, I fake all this. I TELL this to women that may have interest in me.

 

They often go out of their way to tell me how much of a "nice" person I am. I re-iterrate that this is not true and please don't let me fool them.

 

They don't listen again.

 

They get attracted, they start to "like" me, they start to become attached, ask how I feel about them. I tell them again, I do not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything, nor do I want attachment. They get pissed, they get upset, they say I "hurt" them.

 

What the hell? How is it my fault? Why are you blaming me. I even tell them afterwards that I spelled it out to them MANY times over, but they refuse to listen to that, too. As if I "fooled" them.

 

I have yet another woman as of today who probably wants to kill me. I was nothing but kind to her, but through all this, she wants my head. When she asked how I feel about her and whether or not I would be upset if she didn't like me (she was joking obviously), I told her I wouldn't care regardless and that I don't grow emotions for people as a whole. She now is quite upset because she is "invested."

 

How do I avoid this from happening. How do the ladies want me to spell it out to them?

 

If you're a woman who read this, how do you want a man to tell you these things?

 

Stay away from women. Problem solved. Don't use women simply for sex if you don't want a relationship. Get yourself a hooker if that's all you want.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Soxfaninfl

[Divasu]

Don't sweat it. You're upfront/straightforward with who you are and that you're non- commital/just looking for fun so you're not being disingenuous. Believe it or not, some will find that attractive. Though, they are probably moreso attracted to the challenge versus anything else. Sounds like that is the problem you're running into. I'm not sure what more else you could say to prevent the fallout you're experiencing, but rather be mindful of how women operate and that some (a large percentage) do get attached through sex. Can you be more of the "responsible" one in that regard? Or, maybe your better suited to stick to ons with strangers and end the contact there, for your lifestyle.

[CudLRoo]

A hooker is of no use to him...he can not manipulate her and hurt her like he can with a naiive normal woman

 

What I'm wondering is the original intent of the OP - does he *enjoy* hurting women or does he maybe not understand the hurt he may be causing?

 

I think the outcome should ultimately determine the opinions people are having about the guy.

 

It's interesting stuff, anyway, at least to me, though I am a bit 'out there' at times.

[CudLRoo]

^Thanks for the info, it really does help to have a balanced viewpoint on things like this. Damn, I'm one of those wretched 'white knights', one of them sad creatures, and thusly have a bitterness to the jock-types who get the ladies, but this guy is a bit different to those types...maybe. You're a lass, you know the score, your gut instinct will obviously be WAY more powerful than mine.

[KraftDinner]

The thing is no matter what or how hard we try to not get attached most women WILL get attached even if they are ok with the casual sex in the start. I know this exact situation recently happened to me. So basically there is not much you can do here since our hormones like to form attachments to people we sleep with.

 

This.

 

100 per cent bang on, in my opinion.

[tbf]

The thing is no matter what or how hard we try to not get attached most women WILL get attached even if they are ok with the casual sex in the start. I know this exact situation recently happened to me. So basically there is not much you can do here since our hormones like to form attachments to people we sleep with.

If you know you're going to attach, why sleep with emotionally unavailable men? I can't understand this need to set yourself up for a fall.