Dear Ladies: listen to your mate (for your own good).

[Fondue]

I have been having this problem for a while now, with many different women.

 

They don't listen.

 

Every woman that I meet and believe that I may have interest (read: lust) in, I tell them immediately that I am bad person. I am emotionless. Not necessarily "bad" or an "*******," but not a companion.

 

I make this known VERY early on, before anything develops. Women will ignore me telling them this. Either joke it off like I am just being funny, or choose to ignore it all together. This all happens well before AND after sex or any other physical exploration.

 

Before I continue, let me say I am charitable person, I always donate, give money/food to homeless people, hold the door, smile, even help old ladies cross the street. I am a pleasure to be around. I have LEARNED how to be kind, respectful, and an overall "good" person. None of this is genuine, I fake all this. I TELL this to women that may have interest in me.

 

They often go out of their way to tell me how much of a "nice" person I am. I re-iterrate that this is not true and please don't let me fool them.

 

They don't listen again.

 

They get attracted, they start to "like" me, they start to become attached, ask how I feel about them. I tell them again, I do not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything, nor do I want attachment. They get pissed, they get upset, they say I "hurt" them.

 

What the hell? How is it my fault? Why are you blaming me. I even tell them afterwards that I spelled it out to them MANY times over, but they refuse to listen to that, too. As if I "fooled" them.

 

I have yet another woman as of today who probably wants to kill me. I was nothing but kind to her, but through all this, she wants my head. When she asked how I feel about her and whether or not I would be upset if she didn't like me (she was joking obviously), I told her I wouldn't care regardless and that I don't grow emotions for people as a whole. She now is quite upset because she is "invested."

 

How do I avoid this from happening. How do the ladies want me to spell it out to them?

 

If you're a woman who read this, how do you want a man to tell you these things?

[Drseussgrrl]

So uh - are you proud of being an emotionless void who hurts women?

 

I think you need some serious therapy. It's not normal to go through life without forming emotional bonds with people.

[Janesays]

I think many women assume you're joking because you purposely use a 'glib' or 'joking' tone or only tell them these things in a context where the rest of the conversation was lighthearted. You do this so you don't come across as a jerk and so she'll keep hanging out/sleeping with you.

 

I think you need to say, in your most serious voice, during a serious interaction, this simple sentence, "I will never love you. I am only using you for sex." (Or: I only plan to use you for sex" if you haven't had sex yet.)

 

If you don't lay it on a girl just like that, as raw and honest as possible, then let's face it: You don't care if she gets hurt because you know she'll never let you sleep with her after you utter these words. You just don't want to deal with the fallout once your actions have hurt her. And no, this isn't HER fault. It's YOURS.

 

If you truly cared whether or not you hurt these women, you'd just quick hanging out/sleeping with them altogether.

[Toddbt12y1]

I feel bad, for any woman(singular), who will listen to you. More to a woman, then her vagina. You sound controlling...no, they don't need to listen to you. Their choice.

[Fondue]

So uh - are you proud of being an emotionless void who hurts women?

 

I think you need some serious therapy. It's not normal to go through life without forming emotional bonds with people.

I am not proud of hurting anyone.

 

This is exactly why I'm requesting help from the people on this website. If I was proud, I would continue to do this without at least considering the ramifications of my actions.

 

I'm only trying to find a better way to communicate this to future women, so I ask asking for help.

[Fondue]

I think many women assume you're joking because you purposely use a 'glib' or 'joking' tone or only tell them these things in a context where the rest of the conversation was lighthearted. You do this so you don't come across as a jerk and so she'll keep hanging out/sleeping with you.

 

I think you need to say, in your most serious voice, during a serious interaction, this simple sentence, "I will never love you. I am only using you for sex." (Or: I only plan to use you for sex" if you haven't had sex yet.)

 

If you don't lay it on a girl just like that, as raw and honest as possible, then let's face it: You don't care if she gets hurt because you know she'll never let you sleep with her after you utter these words. You just don't want to deal with the fallout once your actions have hurt her. And no, this isn't HER fault. It's YOURS.

 

If you truly cared whether or not you hurt these women, you'd just quick hanging out/sleeping with them altogether.

I see your point, but I can't help but imagine how painful that is to hear to someone who actually cares or wants to care. This sounds like a huge emotional punch to the face.

 

It is true, yah, I want to sleep with women. I suppose you are right though, If I say THAT, then I'll probably just never get "lucky" again. It is weird. Is it odd that I justify my sleeping with them by saying that they had a wonderful time with me? Enjoying the passionate sex, multiple orgasms, etc. etc.? Does the physical aspect of good sex outweigh the emotional void?

 

Thanks for your input, you actually proved a solid point. I wouldn't be having sex if I chose to say it that way.

[Fondue]

I feel bad, for any woman(singular), who will listen to you. More to a woman, then her vagina. You sound controlling...no, they don't need to listen to you. Their choice.

That's the one thing I am not: controlling.

 

Many women find it odd that I actually ENCOURAGE them to explore other men/options/dates/etc. I always advocate for them to find what they like, and even give them advice with dates and other men they are talking to.

 

I do believe this is the opposite of controlling. All of them have a hard time understanding why I choose to promote them in finding another companion other than myself.

 

I think all this sends them a clear message: I am not interested in them in THAT way. I don't know how people can't understand that :/.

[Janesays]

I see your point, but I can't help but imagine how painful that is to hear to someone who actually cares or wants to care. This sounds like a huge emotional punch to the face.

 

It is true, yah, I want to sleep with women. I suppose you are right though, If I say THAT, then I'll probably just never get "lucky" again. It is weird. Is it odd that I justify my sleeping with them by saying that they had a wonderful time with me? Enjoying the passionate sex, multiple orgasms, etc. etc.? Does the physical aspect of good sex outweigh the emotional void?

 

Thanks for your input, you actually proved a solid point. I wouldn't be having sex if I chose to say it that way.

 

No, this is just you trying to justify hurting them to yourself. You are doing this ON PURPOSE. You just want us all to give you a pass and say, "Well, Fondue, you are off the hook for your crappy behavior because you WARNED them!"

 

Sorry, no dice. You did NOT warn them. You purposely manipulated them into the sack, used them, and toss them aside. And now, you want to escape the blame and the guilt. Sorry, that's cowardly. If this is the way you're going to treat people, as least be a man and OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR.

[nessaaa]

Why dont you deal with strippers and escorts only then?

Im assuming you talk to these women for one thing (sex) since you cant bond with them.

[Absewarrior]

Fondue:

If this is merely about sex then why did you title the post....Dear Ladies:listen to your MATE

If you are a Cassanova who is only after sexual relations, then you would not be calling yourself their mate. You are the one who is sending mixed messages, but nice job in trying to put the onus on them.

AW

[Bengal Tiger]

You do share some of the responsibility bro. If you want them to not get hurt, then leave them before they get too attached.

 

I broke up with someone who was significantly younger and more pliant/impressionable because she was the most submissive person I have ever met and I felt like I was taking advantage. I had responsibility over someone else who couldn't or wouldn't do it on her own for whatever politically incorrect reason.

 

Do the right thing. You know what to do.

[Toddbt12y1]

I see.

 

Sorry for the asumption. I gathered it from the title, really.

 

So...what you are trying to ask, is "how can I let women go, in a more proper way?"

[Fondue]

No, this is just you trying to justify hurting them to yourself. You are doing this ON PURPOSE. You just want us all to give you a pass and say, "Well, Fondue, you are off the hook for your crappy behavior because you WARNED them!"

 

Sorry, no dice. You did NOT warn them. You purposely manipulated them into the sack, used them, and toss them aside. And now, you want to escape the blame and the guilt. Sorry, that's cowardly. If this is the way you're going to treat people, as least be a man and OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR.

 

I seriously do not manipulate anyone into sex. I avoid sexually toned conversations in general. Many men that I know attempt to start teh "sexy texts" to get a woman to sleep with them. I avoid this COMPLETELY. I do not initiate any sex conversations in person, phone, text. I avoid it. If they try to bring it up and make flirtatious things, I just ignore it.

 

It just so happens that sex eventually makes it way when you're hanging out in person. It is weird. One thing leads to another and clothes are off.

 

Why dont you deal with strippers and escorts only then?

Im assuming you talk to these women for one thing (sex) since you cant bond with them.

 

I don't talk to women about sex at all, or try to get them to intentionally sleep with me.

 

I don't want to spend money on sex. There is nothing wrong with escorts, I don't care if men or women use them (or are the worker themselves), but it is not for me.

[FitChick]

Are you Aquarius or Capricorn?

[Fondue]

Fondue:

If this is merely about sex then why did you title the post....Dear Ladies:listen to your MATE

If you are a Cassanova who is only after sexual relations, then you would not be calling yourself their mate. You are the one who is sending mixed messages, but nice job in trying to put the onus on them.

AW

Bah, I didn't mean it that way. It was just poor wording. My bad!

You do share some of the responsibility bro. If you want them to not get hurt, then leave them before they get too attached.

 

I broke up with someone who was significantly younger and more pliant/impressionable because she was the most submissive person I have ever met and I felt like I was taking advantage. I had responsibility over someone else who couldn't or wouldn't do it on her own for whatever politically incorrect reason.

 

Do the right thing. You know what to do.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll try and gauge their attachment better and attempt to remove myself earlier in the situation .

[Janesays]

I seriously do not manipulate anyone into sex. I avoid sexually toned conversations in general. Many men that I know attempt to start teh "sexy texts" to get a woman to sleep with them. I avoid this COMPLETELY. I do not initiate any sex conversations in person, phone, text. I avoid it. If they try to bring it up and make flirtatious things, I just ignore it.

 

It just so happens that sex eventually makes it way when you're hanging out in person. It is weird. One thing leads to another and clothes are off.

 

 

If you sleep with them before telling them the sentence I just posted, you manipulated them into sex. Heck, you fully admit that you have NO feelings or NO bond with them whatsoever. So why are you bothering to hang out with them? Especially when you know what is going to happen in the future? WHY? Because you hope to have sex with them. The very act of hanging out with them, creating with them this 'false bond' and letting them 'hope' for a relationship is manipulating them into sex.

[xxoo]

It just so happens that sex eventually makes it way when you're hanging out in person. It is weird. One thing leads to another and clothes are off.

 

If you want to avoid this situation happening again, that would be the point to tell them, very directly, "This is just sex. Agreed?" with a dead-serious, "I want to make clear that we are clear" attitude.

[Drseussgrrl]

I don't know.

 

I think women need to be smarter about this stuff. If a guy is telling me I should be dating other people, then clearly that's a huge red flag to not get involved with him emotionally.

[pteromom]

I don't think you should say "I'm just using you for sex", but you should DEFINITELY say "I am only interested in having fun and have no desire at all to get into a relationship or fall in love or get married."

 

You could still get laid, but you'd be getting laid by girls who wanted the same thing.

 

The deal with saying that you don't fall in love or form emotional bonds is it makes you sound like some kind of freak, so the girls don't take it seriously. They think you are kidding.

 

Instead of being honest about your lack of ability to have feelings, you should be honest about your intentions.

 

And I second "therapy". If what you are saying about yourself is true, you are missing out on a lot of being human. Why go through life as a robot? Connection with others is one of the best things in life. (whether it is romantic or friendship or family)

[Fondue]

I see.

 

Sorry for the asumption. I gathered it from the title, really.

 

So...what you are trying to ask, is "how can I let women go, in a more proper way?"

I think what I want to know is why are my attempts at telling women the truth of my character get so easily ignored :\.

 

Are you Aquarius or Capricorn?

 

Neither. Taurus. But I don't follow astrological signs. I dunno if it means anything?

 

If you sleep with them before telling them the sentence I just posted, you manipulated them into sex. Heck, you fully admit that you have NO feelings or NO bond with them whatsoever. So why are you bothering to hang out with them? Especially when you know what is going to happen in the future? WHY? Because you hope to have sex with them. The very act of hanging out with them, creating with them this 'false bond' and letting them 'hope' for a relationship is manipulating them into sex.

 

So people cannot have unattached sex? I was under the impression that this happens all the time. I'm not sure if I am manipulating people into sex when I purposefully do not engage in any emotional behavior.

 

So the only way to ensure that they understand my detachment is to spell it out in a harsh way? Anything that sounds a little more pleasant?

[Janesays]

I don't know.

 

I think women need to be smarter about this stuff. If a guy is telling me I should be dating other people, then clearly that's a huge red flag to not get involved with him emotionally.

 

A despicable man leaves 'red flags." And honorable man just honestly tells a woman how he feels. The OP gets to choose which man he wants to be. But he does NOT get to ACT like a despicable man while simultaneously pretending to be honorable.

[xxoo]

So people cannot have unattached sex? I was under the impression that this happens all the time.

 

it does, but they are upfront about. Very!

[Fondue]

If you want to avoid this situation happening again, that would be the point to tell them, very directly, "This is just sex. Agreed?" with a dead-serious, "I want to make clear that we are clear" attitude.

I like this idea more than the previously posted one. Thank you, ma'am!

 

I don't know.

 

I think women need to be smarter about this stuff. If a guy is telling me I should be dating other people, then clearly that's a huge red flag to not get involved with him emotionally.

This is exactly my point. I make it rather evident that I am not interested in dating them. Thank you for understanding .

 

I don't think you should say "I'm just using you for sex", but you should DEFINITELY say "I am only interested in having fun and have no desire at all to get into a relationship or fall in love or get married."

 

You could still get laid, but you'd be getting laid by girls who wanted the same thing.

 

The deal with saying that you don't fall in love or form emotional bonds is it makes you sound like some kind of freak, so the girls don't take it seriously. They think you are kidding.

 

Instead of being honest about your lack of ability to have feelings, you should be honest about your intentions.

 

And I second "therapy". If what you are saying about yourself is true, you are missing out on a lot of being human. Why go through life as a robot? Connection with others is one of the best things in life. (whether it is romantic or friendship or family)

Despite being a healthcare professional and often recommending behavioral health evaluation/treatment, I honestly choose to believe that it doesn't solve any issues. Rather yet, I am not sure there is even an underlying issue. I never felt weird about the way I process emotions (or lack their of). If there is a serious mental condition that I am not aware of, then maybe I have to look into professional help.

 

I don't think I have Aspergers, as I am not socially awkward, if that is what you are thinking.

[Drseussgrrl]

A despicable man leaves 'red flags." And honorable man just honestly tells a woman how he feels. The OP gets to choose which man he wants to be. But he does NOT get to ACT like a despicable man while simultaneously pretending to be honorable.

 

You can't control what other people do. While yeah it would be great for men to not act like *******s, the only responsibility I have is to myself and making decisions based on what's presented to me.

 

Again, women need to smarten up. Let's be honest men are RARELY completely up front about their intentions. Gotta be smarter than the fox.

[Janesays]

You can't control what other people do. While yeah it would be great for men to not act like *******s, the only responsibility I have is to myself and making decisions based on what's presented to me.

 

Again, women need to smarten up. Let's be honest men are RARELY completely up front about their intentions. Gotta be smarter than the fox.

 

We are here to advise the OP. If the woman he ruined were here posting, your advice would be appropriate. But this is the OP we're talking to. And I don't think saying to him, "It's OK to be horrid to stupid people who should know better" is necessarily a message that needs to be sent. To anyone.