Surefire way to kill the fire in your relationship

[neptoon]

I'd like to spell something out here, for guys who wonder why the fire in his relationship has been extinguished very suddenly. And, well, I think the moment has come when my fire has been severely rained on by my bf and I just need to vent.

 

Let's say you're at a restaurant with your girl and the waitress is this firm-breasted, firm-assed babe. Your girl's talking to you but you're distracted and you keep saying, "Pardon me?" Your girl grows a little quiet and you're glad because you just can't stop staring at this waitress and it's too much on your attention.

 

Then, another patron of the restaurant walks by and she's hot, too. Your eyes glaze over as she passes.

 

As you're leaving the restaurant with your girl, you think you've snuck in one more longing look at that waitress' ass.

 

After leaving, you go for a nice romantic walk with your girl on the beach. You think yourself smooth because you just got a feast of eye candy and your girl didn't even notice because she obviously would've said something because she's already said once in the year that you've been with her that this bugs her. The conversation continues along as usual. You've got your arm around your girl. Everything is good...right?

 

Wrong.

 

It's not that we women don't notice. OF COURSE we notice...it's at that moment that we accept what the guy is, what we mean to him, and we are emotionally packing our bags. As a guy, you might argue that "it's natural to look but I'm not doing anything wrong" or "I'm looking but not touching" or "all guys do this." Lame.

 

Perhaps we all do this -- women included -- have a gander at some eye candy. BUT, doing it in the presence of your girl is a huge slap in her face -- first, you insult her intelligence by thinking she won't notice; second, it shows how little you care about how she feels; third, not all guys do this in the presence of his girl; fourth, you've disrespected her in a really deep way and made her feel unattractive and insignificant; fifth, you've just seeded doubt in the mind of your girl; sixth, you've made her feel that she's somehow less than the woman you don't even know (even in light of all the things she perceives she does for you).

 

And you expect your girl to continue wanting to have sex with you while we feel all this? You expect us to be as passionate during sex (when we all know that a woman's passion is derived from how you make her feel about herself at that moment)?

 

Why is the grass always greener on the other side for men? Do these men honestly believe that we cannot get other men and they can disregard our feelings so much that we will put up with it over a long-term relationship? I see some married couples with a guy who's like this and then you see his wife, with apathy in her eyes. He'll gaze upon other women in her presence, eyes glazed over, tongue hanging out like some sort of mindless, stupid animal. I also see couples where the guy has the respect not to do this, especially around his woman, and I see the absolute passion in her eyes for this guy that she's been married to for over 20 years. The latter is what I want. The latter is what all women want.

 

Perhaps the guy has forgotten what loneliness feels like and needs a rude awakening. As women, we look around us and we see the lonely guys that would likely treat us better. We may not leave right away and it may not even be raised as an issue -- we might not even talk about it with the guys because we see the married men with apathetic wives -- why would we want to waste our energies pursuing such an unhappy role and existence in a relationship?

 

A guy may claim "it's natural to look and I'm not doing anything wrong." But he's wrong...he's just extinguished any fire that exists in the relationship. Ever try to re-kindle a fire with charred, wet wood? Not an easy task.

[emra]

I love that post, It was awesome and all well put. I agree with all of it!

I don't care if they aren't touching just looking, if the shoe were on the other foot, you know there would be some problems!!!

[neptoon]

The thing that makes us fall head-over-heels, I'd-take-a-bullet-for-this-man in love is not how he looks or what he has -- it's the way he makes you feel about yourself and makes you WANT to better your life to build something with him.

[tokyo]

Well, I finally found my soulmate who understands me

[health]

Another surefire way to kill a relationship is paranoia, and asking angling questions - WHere were you? With who? etc. Thas my problem I need to stop.

[RedSkiGirl9]

I LOVE your post! That is something that I would have said EXACTLY and I usually seem to get a lot of angry, peverted guys saying something like: You're just insecure and CRAP like that.

 

I love your post so much that I'm going to print it out and hand it out to peverted guys who are actually in relationships! Women should never have to put up with that.

 

You're great...

 

RED

[mehim]

i really like ur post, its so true, it really sux to have a man like that. BUT, im a girl that ur post would kind of apply to, not totaly but some of it. i like to looke at other men, the attractive ones. lol. i dont stare, i just look, although i think i have the sexiest bf ever, i love him so much, that every time i see a good looking guy, i tell myself, huh who cares if he was hot i have a sexy bf anyway, but i still cant help the reaction to a good looking guy, which is just to look.

 

on the other hand, if i would be walking with my bf, and pretty girl passes by, i would tell him to look at how pretty she is. it doesnt bother me, because women are beautiful, and ppl can look at them. anyways i do agree with ur post the some men are preverts, i get them all the time.

[Grinning Maniac]

"After leaving, you go for a nice romantic walk with your girl on the beach. You think yourself smooth because you just got a feast of eye candy and your girl didn't even notice because she obviously would've said something because she's already said once in the year that you've been with her that this bugs her. The conversation continues along as usual. You've got your arm around your girl. Everything is good...right?"

 

Congratulations, in these few sentences alone, you've proven yourself just as clueless about the mindsets of men as you think we are about the mindsets of women. Do you honestly think we're sitting there smiling to ourselves about how we "got away" with looking at a woman's ass earlier while we're hanging out with you? Do you think we even remember the girl at all a half hour later?

 

I'm not a gambling man, but I'll bet if you took an average guy and let him walk around a crowded mall with his girlfriend, then took him aside 30 mins or so afterward and asked him to write down how many chicks he looked at, and a description of as many as he could recall...you would get a really bad list. It's absolutely nothing to us. It's not like we're storing the images "for later".

 

When I'm out with a girl, I tend not to look at women's bodies as much when I'm on my own, but I still look. We can't really help it. We can choose not to stare continuously, sure. That's common sense when you're out with someone. But to expect us not to look at all is a bit much. It's like demanding we ignore the gorilla in the room.

 

You're pretty nieve for assuming that we are, or should be, thinking about your feelings 24/7. As if we are totally aware that the glimpse we took at the girl we passed at the movies has pissed you off, and we just don't give a f*ck that it does. For one thing, most women don't bother to actually say anything. You said that yourself. You'd prefer to file it away to use in an argument sometime. Secondly, we aren't thinking about the fact that we glanced at another woman in long enough for "I wonder if this is making her feel bad" to even go through our heads.

 

Perhaps the guy has forgotten what loneliness feels like and needs a rude awakening. As women, we look around us and we see the lonely guys that would likely treat us better.

 

I love this part. You look around and see the "lonely guys" that would treat you better? Right. Glad you came to this conclusion. Gee..I wonder why they're so lonely? It couldn't be because they've been shot down by girls who wanted to date the risky dude who was a jerk, but "lit their fire", could it? Nah... I love how women can date pricks, then complain about it and eventually look to the same types of "lonely guys" they used to reject now that they're frustrated. Gotta throw some leftovers to the nerds eventually, huh ladies?

 

Anyway, I'm ranting. This sort of thing is blown up far too much. It sucks that you're offended by it, but you can't really ask a guy to change unless he's being a complete douche about it. You make it out to be a terribly lecherous and conscious offence, like we're nonchalantly fondling your breasts in front of your family. If a guy does nothing but stare and drool at women when he's with you, and ignores you completely for a peek at some cleavage...ok, be mad. Be insulted. Leave him if you wish. But this idea that we can only be aroused by you, and you alone, for the exact period of time in which we date you, needs to go. Looking at women is reflex action for us. We observe the bodies of passing women with the same mild, fleeting, compulsory interest we give a Corvette racing down the street. So, why don't you try and be more like my car, and not get offended by it?

 

[Papillon]

Congratulations, in these few sentences alone, you've proven yourself just as clueless about the mindsets of men as you think we are about the mindsets of women. Do you honestly think we're sitting there smiling to ourselves about how we "got away" with looking at a woman's ass earlier while we're hanging out with you? Do you think we even remember the girl at all a half hour later?

 

 

In any event, the whole post has a glass-half-empty feel to it.

[moimeme]

The ladies who posted so far seem all to be extremely young. A few more years should take care of a lot of that insecurity. At least I sure hope so!

[Adunaphel]

Neptoon,

 

I don't agree with the

"You think yourself smooth because you just got a feast of eye candy and your girl didn't even notice",

(I don't think such thoughts even cross a guy's mind)

 

but I really liked the rest of your post. I can relate pretty well.

 

Surely your partner oogling blatantly other girls when he is with you is a great turn off (yeah, sure, not for some very self-confident women. It's not them I'm talking about).

 

Guys can look at girls all they want when they are on their own or with their male buddies, but staring at other ladies while you are with your partner -and, if your partner minds- is *rude*.

[neptoon]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

You're pretty nieve for assuming that we are, or should be, thinking about your feelings 24/7. As if we are totally aware that the glimpse we took at the girl we passed at the movies has pissed you off, and we just don't give a f*ck that it does. For one thing, most women don't bother to actually say anything. You said that yourself. You'd prefer to file it away to use in an argument sometime. Secondly, we aren't thinking about the fact that we glanced at another woman in long enough for "I wonder if this is making her feel bad" to even go through our heads.

YOU'RE naive in thinking that I'm angry about it. Not at all. It has nothing to do with insecurity and more to do with respect. It doesn't make me angry...it makes me fall out of attraction. It makes me look at my partner with repulsion.

 

It doesn't make me feel angry. I never said that. It makes me never feel like having sex with him anymore. It makes me feel apathy. It makes me feel nothing. I never said that he had to be considerate of my feelings. I just don't want to have sex with him anymore. It gives me fanciful daydreams about other guys.

 

I'm not asking for anything. I'd just like it if he stopped telling me he loves me if he's going to do this -- make it easier for me to walk away later. I don't want him to change what he does or anything. I don't want him to touch me anymore. I get annoyed when he puts his arm around me. And it all started with the gawking...before that, I believed I was in love with him and the sex was ok. I can't help what I'm feeling.

 

The glass is neither half full nor empty -- it's just there and food for thought.

[neptoon]

I love this part. You look around and see the "lonely guys" that would treat you better? Right. Glad you came to this conclusion. Gee..I wonder why they're so lonely? It couldn't be because they've been shot down by girls who wanted to date the risky dude who was a jerk, but "lit their fire", could it? Nah... I love how women can date pricks, then complain about it and eventually look to the same types of "lonely guys" they used to reject now that they're frustrated. Gotta throw some leftovers to the nerds eventually, huh ladies?

Are you kidding? Nerdy guys rock.

 

And no, they're not lonely because they've been "shot down by girls" -- these men are passionate. It's their passion for whatever they do that makes them sometimes socially inept.

 

Oftentimes, I try to go out with these guys you label nerds only to find out that the guy isn't nerdy enough.

[tokyo]

Grinning Maniac,

 

you had some good points, I never looked at it this way, but I still think a guy can control himself a bit. He can look as much as he can when he´s alone, but not when he´s with his girlfriend. I think in general it´s very inpolite to be with someone (doesn´t need to be your boy/girlfriend) and show lack of interest to the person you´re with. I also knew women who were sitting with me somewhere (I´m a woman) and her eyes were wandering around, that´s rude. And if you are with someone who likes and cherishes you, it´s even more rude. If you were having a talk with your boss, you would also be able to keep yourself from staring at attractive woman who walk by. There´s a difference between noticing someone attractive and having your eyes fixated on them.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by neptoon

YOU'RE naive in thinking that I'm angry about it. Not at all. It has nothing to do with insecurity and more to do with respect. It doesn't make me angry...it makes me fall out of attraction. It makes me look at my partner with repulsion.

 

It doesn't make me feel angry. I never said that. It makes me never feel like having sex with him anymore. It makes me feel apathy. It makes me feel nothing. I never said that he had to be considerate of my feelings. I just don't want to have sex with him anymore. It gives me fanciful daydreams about other guys.

 

I'm not asking for anything. I'd just like it if he stopped telling me he loves me if he's going to do this -- make it easier for me to walk away later. I don't want him to change what he does or anything. I don't want him to touch me anymore. I get annoyed when he puts his arm around me. And it all started with the gawking...before that, I believed I was in love with him and the sex was ok. I can't help what I'm feeling.

 

The glass is neither half full nor empty -- it's just there and food for thought.

 

I know you can't help it. If you're not angry about it, fine. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, it's not normal to be so offended by it, that you no longer are attracted to a person and want to dump them. If he happens to look at someone else you'd like for him to stop telling you that he loves you, you no longer want to touch him, and are repulsed? You don't think that's a little extreme? I understand that it hurts your feelings. But maybe you should start wondering why exactly it illicts such a powerful response from you. To be very honest, if a girl said she was dumping me because two days ago, I took a look at another woman and she is now repulsed by my touch, I'd look at her for a moment and then start laughing, wondering what the hell is her malfunction.

 

Perhaps you just dated a guy who really was as obvious and callous about it as you mentioned in your first post. I just assumed you were making an exaggerated example. However, some ladies seem to take even a casual glance to be in the same ballpark. "OMG J00 LOOKD AT H3R EWW I HAET JOO!!!" That's just silly. I really hope you learn to calm down a bit...or else you're probably going to be dumping a lot of guys.

 

PS: About the nerd thing...glad you feel that way. While I'm not a nerd, more of a geek, that brings warmth to my heart... We're all brothers. *fake teardrop* Sorry I took your post wrong. It just smacked of typical "why are the bad guys bad???" girl idiocy at first glance. My mistake.

[RedSkiGirl9]

Hi,

 

I just read your post and that is so rude of you to say that a girl has a "malfunction" if she dumps you for looking at another woman. When you date someone, you're dating them, giving your attention to them, looking at other women does none of the sort of thing.

 

I just think it's rude and so offensive to do to someone. How would you like it if she kept looking at guys that were better looking than you? Hotter guys, more sensitive and caring...hmmm...

 

RED

[BurningBright]

There is a difference between staring at someone and checking them out. A glance is fine. Even a slightly extended look is cool too.

 

It becomes an issue if the partner goes out of their way to walk in the direction of a good looking individual (Ie. Going down a grocery store aisel in which you have already been down, etc.), if they continually stare at someone else WHILE they are in the company of yourself, or if they begin to make comments such as "Oh I wish you had an a$$ like that!".

 

If they are alone, hell, they can stare all they want. It isn't hurting anyone!

 

If I noticed my partner never checked out any other women, I would think something was wrong!!! I know I notice and check out other men. It's a natural thing to do!!!

 

I believe it becomes a concern if they have the disrespect to continuously STARE at another individual while they are in your presence. Then it's just plain RUDE!

 

~BurningBright